Love?

I wrote this on a whim, it is very unpolished and any constructive criticism is greatly needed, I just don't know what to correct to make it better, however, i hope you enjoy it anyway!
This has some strong language which makes it an PG-13 right? i think it does, anyway, and same sex stuff, if you find it uncomfortable to read such things than i advise you to stop reading.
so here we go...
Plain and simple love.

Chapter 1

The first day of every college or school year is a momentous event for my mother. She gets all worked up about it and half the time ends up crying. Its stupid really, I mean, its only my second year at college. Nothing major.
“Honey, this way, look this way!” Cries my mother, taking picture after picture in many different angles, all “Capturing my beauty!” As put in my mother's words. Quite suddenly there was a loud HONK from outside, smiling in relief I grab my suitcase from the hallway, flung the door open and ran outside with a rushed “Gottogoi'llringyoulaterloveyou!” The front door swung shut on a rather disappointed but resigned mother, I was too busy, however, admiring my best friend Holly's new Volvo she had got for her birthday. I whistled loudly and circled it, expressing my sheer amazement at the car.
“Like it? I think its alright, be better if it was pink but...” She trailed off, shrugging. You could see her bright blue eyes and dazzlingly blonde wavy hair through the open window which she was leaning towards.
“Pink?! No way! Pink is for girls.” I snort, throwing my bag into the back-seat alongside Holly's, then opening the door and clambering into the passenger's seat.
“Err, if you haven't noticed, I.AM.A.GIRL!” She hits me playfully, then, turns on the radio to almost full blast and reverses. Once on the road I practically shout to her,
“Did you have a nice holiday? You went skiing right?” I had to repeat myself a few times to get her attention.
“DID I HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY? YEAH, I DID, I KIND OF...MET SOMEONE.” She smiled a little in my direction.
“What's his name? How old is he?” I asked, flicking my dark blonde hair from my eyes.
“HUH?”
“I SAID...What's his name and how old is he?” I asked again, screaming towards her. She gave me a confused sort of look and then turned back to the road, and obvious gesture that she had either not heard me or did not want to answer my question. I sighed heavily and looked out the window, trees zoomed past and some familiar blurs which meant we would be nearing college soon.

After parking the car, me and Holly walked toward the entrance, both hauling huge bags over our shoulders. There were many students in the car park already, most hauling bags like us or casually talking to friends, however, as we passed heads turned to stare at Holly who has been regularly called a “Bomb Shell” and “A younger Reese Witherspoon!”. Guys gave me envious looks for they were probably thinking that we were together, girls gave Holly envious looks for having the body they have always dreamed of. I smiled to myself as wolf whistles bombarded Holly and she blushed a deep shade of scarlet.

As we entered the vestibule and got out our room keys I told Holly that I would meet her at this very spot in 1 hour to go and play some tennis. I walked towards the lift which was cram packed, so I took the stairs. It took ages. I seemed to have forgotten how incredibly time consuming taking the stairs was, especially with a heavy bag. Once I had finally reached the landing I had to stop and catch my breath. A group of boys went past, grimacing in sympathy at the boy who was crouched over panting, leg muscles aching. Ok so yeah, I'm not that fit, why did you think I played tennis? I Suppose it isn't the best sport to pick to get fitter but ah well.
Once I had finally regained my breath I stood up, hoisted my bag over my shoulder and walked to room 301 which was my allocated bedroom. Hopefully, I would have the room to myself like last year, but we shall have to see.
As I reached my room I saw that the door was already open, I pushed it aside, all my hope for having the room to myself gone and instead hope for a cool room-mate. The room was fairly large with two beds on opposite walls. A door led off to the side which I presume was where the ironing board folded out from. The walls were a light shade of green and the curtains were blue, the carpet was also a blue colour. It was littered with boxes and strewn clothes which I assumed belonged to my new room-mate. I glanced around. There, amongst the other boxes, gosh was he bringing his whole life with him?
“Hey, you must be my room-mate, I'm David Hampson.” I walked over and held out a hand. The guy stood up and turned around to face me. He was stunning. He had floppy brunette hair which fell to a few inches above his shoulder, he had intelligent dove grey eyes which seemed to invite me into the depths of his soul. His cheek bones were prominent and his skin had a faint tanned glow. He wore baggy scuffed jeans and a blue t-shirt with some unknown scribble on it. My heart had almost stopped beating. I quickly tried to cover up my sudden desire to throw myself at him and smiled nervously.
“Hey, I'm Jake.” He took my hand and gave it a brisk shake as if he couldn't wait to be away from me. As soon as I let go, he turned his back on me and returned to his rummaging. I shuffled over to my bed and sank down heavily, trying to busy myself with sorting out my few possessions I had brought with me whilst I had a raging battle inside my mind.
What the fuck was that? Why did I have that feeling. I don't even believe in the love at first sight rubbish. Plus, HE'S A GUY! I ain't gay! Am I? But he was gorgeous, and his hand was so strong and warm...NO, no, he is my room-mate and a guy, plus he took his hand back so fast that he must have felt my feelings towards him through that handshake. Can you show feelings through a simple hand shake? Maybe you can...I shall have research it later and...
“Hey David right?” I jumped and spun round, nearly flinging half of my unpacked belongings across the room.
“D-Dave. You can call me Dave.” I stuttered, kicking myself inwardly for being so uncool.
“Ok, Dave, I'm gonna go and grab a bite with some friends, you wanna come?” Jake asked, whilst removing his shirt and attempting to pull on a different one. His chest was also slightly tanned, he had a six-pack. A six-pack. I couldn't stop staring and the t-shirt was cutting off precious skin viewing accession. His chest was almost completely covered by now, but I didn't want it to be, I wanted to gaze at his beautiful body for hours on end...
“No...” I moaned as the t-shirt blocked my view completely.
“Pardon?” Asked Jack, turning and inquisitive, yet slightly amused face towards him. SHIT!
“Ah, I mean, I can't, I've got to go an meet a friend for some tennis practise, maybe some other time?” I asked rather hopefully, kicking myself yet again for acting like an utter prat in front of this God of a guy.
“Oh ok, sure. So you play tennis do you?” He asked distractedly, pulling out a mobile phone from some unknown place among the utter mess which underneath somewhere his bed must be located.
“Only a little, but I have won many matches before, I've even won a trophy!” Ok so maybe only a certificate for good team effort at primary school, but a little bluffing wouldn't hurt right?
“Really? Cool, I play a little tennis myself, I was thinking about going out a little later, maybe you could join me and show me some new moves, I'm not very good see.” Jack grinned over at me and produced a racquet of his own. DOUBLE SHIT!
“O-Ok, maybe later then.” I stuttered, feeling as though I had just made the biggest idiot out of myself, possible.
“See ya on the courts Dave!” And he left, leaving a rather dishevelled me behind.



please comment!

First off,great story.I really like it as it is really good,but,could be so much better.One thing i noticed some of your sentences come off a little long.What i mean is, theirs one sentence where you use the word (i still haven't figured out how to quite yet lol) 'I' twice and 'my' twice in the same sentence. It would be nice if added a shorter sentence after that,so the paragraph doesn't look congested.That one short sentence could be used to dazzle readers with scenery. What i really like is the fact that each of those character's are so colorful i feel like Ive met them.I don't really see anything wrong with the spelling save for a few missing quotations. Overall,good job.

Alright. This is interesting. Maybe it's just me, but it took me a while to figure out that the main character is a guy. Unless I skipped over it, you don't really mention that until he meets Jack. Once I figured that out, the part in the chapter where it says something to the effect of ' maybe they thought we were together' (not exact quote), then it made more sense. Try to make it more prominent that the main character is a male. Other than that, I like it, and it's interesting!

-Elle.

The first day of every college or school year is a momentous event for my mother. She gets all worked up about it and half the time ends up crying. Its stupid really, I mean, its only my second year at college. Nothing major.

-Make up your mind - college or school year? It sounds awkward when you use both.

-I wouldn't keep this paragraph, and just write a new one. Start out by telling us the setting, and as you're describing the inside of your house, your mother jumps in the way and starts shoving her camera in your face (like below).

-The first paragraph is one of the most important, so craft it carefully. This is a love story, so maybe attempt some foreshadowing, or throw in a metaphor or something. Write something deep, something personal, coming straight from the protagonist's heart. If you absolutely have to keep this, you should make it like, the second or third paragraph. Just a suggestion.

“Honey, this way, look this way!” Cries my mother, taking picture after picture in many different angles, all “Capturing my beauty!” As put in my mother's words. Quite suddenly there was a loud HONK from outside, smiling in relief I grab my suitcase from the hallway, flung the door open and ran outside with a rushed “Gottogoi'llringyoulaterloveyou!” The front door swung shut on a rather disappointed but resigned mother, I was too busy, however, admiring my best friend Holly's new Volvo she had got for her birthday. I whistled loudly and circled it, expressing my sheer amazement at the car.

-Try never to do that, the jumbling of the words to imply that the character is speaking fast. It breaks the reader away from the story as they try and decipher what they said. At first glance I can't tell what the hell David just said, and I have to go over it so I can see it says, "Gotto go, I'll ring you later, love you!" Just write, "I hastily shouted my goodbye as I darted out the door" or something.

-That last sentence is the worst run-on sentence I've ever seen, so I'd recommend throwing a period or two in there.

-Make up your mind - is this past tense or present tense? "I grab my suitcase from the hallway..." "I whistled loudly and circled it..." Try to switch to past tense (the second one), as I can see this is in the present, because it seems it'd be easier for you.

-Just write, "Cries my mother, taking picture after picture." No more. Don't write too much, as it makes a story boring.

-You don't have to put an adjective with everything. "Sheer amazement," "New Volvo," "Loud HONK," "Rather disappointed but resigned mother," see where I'm going?

“Like it? I think it's alright, be better if it was pink but...” She trailed off, shrugging. You could see her bright blue eyes and dazzlingly blond[s]e[/s] wavy hair through the open window which she was leaning towards.

Wait, was her "dazzlingly blond hair" falling through the open window, or was she in the car? And again, hold off on the adjectives, sheesh. And try to make the dialogue more realistic - most people would be psyched about their new car, not shrugging and wishing it was a different color.

“Pink?! No way! Pink is for girls[s].[/s],” I snort, throwing my bag into the back-seat alongside Holly's, then opening the door and clambering into the passenger's seat.

“Err, if you haven't noticed, I.AM.A.GIRL!” She hits me playfully, then[s],[/s] turns on the radio to almost full blast and reverses reverses?. Once on the road I practically shout to her,

“Did you have a nice holiday? You went skiing right?” I had to repeat myself a few times to get her attention.

- I.AM.A.GIRL! This is obnoxious - just write, "I am a girl." If you want to put emphasis on it, italicize it, don't capitalize it and then put periods between each word. I don't even know if that's proper grammar.
-Detach "Once of the road I practically shout to her," because it just looks weird. And don't tell us he had to repeat himself, show us him shouting, "Hey, Holly! Holly!" And tell us how she turns around and raises her eyebrows to question what he wants. Show, don't tell =]

“DID I HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY? YEAH, I DID, I KIND OF...MET SOMEONE.” She smiled a little in my direction.

Don't do this! Do you know how obnoxious it is when people put dialogue in caps, or anything besides abbreviations? Just write that she yelled it across the car and smiled and she did so. And in his direction? What other possible direction would she be smiling in?

“What's his name? How old is he?” I asked, flicking my dark blond[s]e[/s] hair from my eyes.

"Blond" doesn't have an e.

“HUH?”

*wants to shoot the monitor*

“[s]I SAID...[/s]What's his name and how old is he?” I [s]asked again,[/s] scream[s]ing towards her[/s]. She gave me a confused [s]sort of[/s] look and then turned back to the road, and [the] obvious gesture that she had either not heard me or did not want to answer my question. I sighed heavily and looked out the window, [staring/looking/watching the]trees zoom[s]ed[/s] past and some familiar blurs, [s]which[/s] meaning[s]t[/s] we would be nearing the college soon.

[s]After parking the car, me and Holly walked toward the entrance[/s]Holly and I park the car and walk toward the entrance, both hauling huge bags over our shoulders. There [s]were[/s]are many students in the car park already, most [of them] hauling bags like us or casually talking to friends[s],[/s]. [s]h[/s]However, as we passed, heads turned to stare at Holly [s]who has been regularly called a “Bomb Shell” and “A younger Reese Witherspoon!”[/s]. Guys gave me envious looks, for they were probably thinking that we were together, andgirls gave Holly envious looks for having the body they have always dreamed of. I smiled to myself as wolf whistles bombarded Holly [s]and[/s]as she blushes[s]d[/s] a deep shade of scarlet.

As we entered the vestibule (what the hell's a vestibule?) and got out our room keys, I [s]told[/s]tell Holly that I would meet her at this very spot in 1 hour to go and play some tennis. I walk[s]ed[/s] towards the lift, which was cram packed, so I [s]took[/s]take the stairs. It [s]took[/s]takes ages. I seem[s]ed[/s] to have forgotten how incredibly time consuming taking the stairs was, especially with a heavy bag. Once I [s]had[/s] finally reach[s]ed[/s] the landing I [s]had to[/s] stop and catch my breath. A group of boys [s]went[/s]go past, grimacing in sympathy at the boy who was crouched over panting, leg muscles aching. Ok[ay], [s]so yeah[/s], I'm not that fit, why did you think I played tennis? I Suppose it isn't the best sport to pick to get fitter but ah well.[/b]

Don't talk directly to the reader. It takes us away from the story.

Once I had finally regain[s]ed[/s] my breath I [s]stood[/s]stand up, hoist[s]ed[/s] my bag over my shoulder and walk[s]ed[/s] to room 301, which [s]was[/s]is my allocated bedroom. Hopefully[s],[/b] I [s]would[/s]will have the room to myself like last year[s], but we shall have to see[/s].

As I reach[s]ed[/s] my room, I [s]saw[/s]see that the door [s]was[/s]is already open, I push[s]ed[/s] it aside, all my hope for having the room to myself gone and instead hope for a cool room-mate[/s]. The room [s]was[/s]is fairly large, with two beds on opposite walls. A door [s]led[/s]leads off to the side, which I presume was where the ironing board folds[s]ed[/s] out from. The walls [s]were[/s]are a light shade of green and the curtains [s]were[/s]are blue, the carpet [s]was[/s] also a blue colour. It was littered with boxes and strewn clothes, which I assume[s]d[/s] belong[s]ed[/s] to my new room-mate. I glance[s]d[/s] around. There, amongst the other boxes[s],[/s]- gosh was he bringing his whole life with him?

“Hey, you must be my room-mate[s],[/s]. I'm David Hampson[s].[/s],” I walk[s]ed[/s] over and [s]held[/s]hold out a hand. The guy [s]stood[/s]stands[b] up and turn[b]s[s]ed[/s] around to face me. He was stunning. [i]He had floppy brunette hair which fell to a few inches above his shoulder, he had intelligent dove grey eyes which seemed to invite me into the depths of his soul. His cheek bones were prominent and his skin had a faint tanned glow. He wore baggy scuffed jeans and a blue t-shirt with some unknown scribble on it. My heart had almost stopped beating. I quickly tried to cover up my sudden desire to throw myself at him and smiled nervously.

Try not to describe the character in one shot, because it bores people. Mention how his hair flops over when he goes to pick up a box, and when he looks up his incredible *gray eyes surprise you. I really don't care right now about what he looks like - in fact, leave some of the imagination to the reader, as if they start out thinking he's gorgeous, they'll just add his features to what they think is the image of an incredible looking boy, if you get what I'm saying. Just, if you could, delete everything I italicized. Sorry!

And woah! "Throw myself at him?" Dearie me.

“Hey, I'm Jake[s].[/s],” He [s]took[/s]takes my hand and [s]gave[/s]gives it a brisk shake as if he couldn't wait to be away from me. As soon as I let go, he [s]turned[/s]turns his back on me and [s]returned[/s]returns to his rummaging. I shuffle[s]d[/s] over to my bed and [s]sank[/s]sink down heavily, trying to busy myself with sorting out my few possessions I had brought with me whilst I had a raging battle inside my mind.

What the fuck was that? Why did I have that feeling[s].[/s]? I don't even believe in the love at first sight rubbish. Plus, HE'S A GUY! I ain't gay! Am I? But he was gorgeous, and his hand was so strong and warm...NO, no, he is my room-mate and a guy, plus he took his hand back so fast that he must have felt my feelings towards him through that handshake. Can you show feelings through a simple hand shake? Maybe you can...I shall have research it later and...

I'm so freaking tired of converting everything to present tense, so you're going to have to do the rest on your own. And David seems to run over the being gay part pretty quickly. Also, is this the first time ever he's felt these feelings? He's probably nineteen or twenty years old, and this seems like a huge shock. He's never seen a gorgeous boy before?

“Hey, David right?” I jumped and spun round, nearly flinging half of my unpacked belongings across the room.

“D-Dave. You can call me Dave,” I stuttered, kicking myself inwardly for being so uncool.

“Ok[ay], Dave, I'm gonna go and grab a bite with some friends, you wanna come?” Jake asked, whilst removing his shirt and attempting to pull on a different one. His chest was also slightly tanned, [and]he had a six-pack. A six-pack. I couldn't stop staring and the t-shirt was cutting off precious skin viewing accession. His chest was almost completely covered by now, but I didn't want it to be, I wanted to gaze at his beautiful body for hours on end...

Ay yi yi. You know what the problem with this is? You're making your character think like a girl, because you are a girl. Usually a guy would be focusing all his energy on telling himself he isn't gay, and wondering why he's having such feelings. Your guy is just... ogling like a girl would. He's never seen a six pack before? Come on!

“No...” I moaned as the t-shirt blocked my view completely.

“Pardon?” Asked Jack, turning and inquisitive, yet slightly amused face towards him. SHIT!

Wait, what?

“Ah, I mean, I can't, I've got to go and meet a friend for some tennis practise. Maybe some other time?” I asked rather hopefully, kicking myself yet again for acting like an utter prat in front of this God of a guy.

“Oh okay, sure. So you play tennis, do you?” He asked distractedly, pulling out a mobile phone from some unknown place among the utter mess which[s] underneath somewhere his bed must be located[/s].

“Only a little, but I have won many matches before, andI've even won a trophy!” [s]Ok[/s] So maybe only a certificate for good team effort at primary school, but a little bluffing wouldn't hurt, right?

“Really? Cool, I play a little tennis myself, and I was thinking about going out a little later, so maybe you could join me and show me some new moves - I'm not very good, see.” Jack grinned over at me and produced a racquet of his own. DOUBLE SHIT!

“O-Okay, maybe later then,” I stuttered, feeling as though I had just made the biggest idiot out of myself[s], possible[/s].

“See ya on the courts Dave!” And he left, leaving a rather [s]dishevelled[/s]disheveled me behind.

~*~~*~*

CHARACTERS

DAVID
The protagonist who may be gay, but is too busy ogling his roommate to argue with himself about it. He totally breaks down in front of Jake, who seems rather accepting of this behavior. The problem is, I didn't know David was a boy until he told Jake his name and then started freaking out. You are a girl, therefore when you write in first person you write and think like a girl. Be aware of this, and next time try to type with more testosterone ;]

HOLLY
We actually don't see much of Holly, but we can assume that she's the pretty, bashful girl on campus that everybody wants to date. She's obviously to be David's support as he sorts out his sexuality, and you can bet your ass she's going to accept him for who he is, because characters like her always do.

JAKE
Jake seemed rather unfazed by Davids blatant ogling, which would sort of annoy me, even if I were gay and attracted to the guy. So forward too - he knew the guy for twenty seconds before inviting him out with his friends, and then a round of tennis. He's obviously gorgeous, as David lets us know, so give us more details on him. Does he have a girlfriend? Does he have a boyfriend? Is he gay, bi, or a cruel straight guy who's leading poor David on? If he is gay, is it known?

TENSE

God Dammit girl, make up your mind! Are you in present tense or are you in past tense? In the beginning you write pretty much in present tense. Here's an article I want you to check out: http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitcho ... es-sh.html

GRAMMAR

You need to work on it. A lot. Learn where to put commas and where to put a period, and I would definitely work on run-on sentences. Not many spelling mistakes, and in all it was pretty good, but to keep the flow going you need proper grammar.

DIALOGUE

Ehhh. Not very realistic, in the least. Cliche back-and-forth amateur writing dialogue, with over-excited teenagers and easily irritable friends. Try to keep the dialogue short and sweet and definitely original. Also, try to have two friends read the dialogue aloud and see if it sounds real to you. Does the comma belong there? Should there be a comma there? Does it sound natural to ask such a question? And so on.l

OVERALL

Not something I haven't read ever before. You're 14, as your profile says, and you're writing about something you know nothing about, which is college life. I recommend speaking to a college student, or at least doing a bit of research before going any further with this. And remember to always stop and remember not to write like a girl =] Because David is a guy. Not a girl. Like you. So be careful! It's really easy to slip up !

PM me if you think I missed anything, you want to answer/ask any questions, or you want to go over anything. I want to help you as much as possible, and I want this story as great as possible. Thanks, and keep writing!

~*Sara*~

PS: I messed up a lot when it came to italicizing and bolding and quoting, but ignore that =] I do not feel like going over it. Thanks!

Love it love it love it love it love it
You have to pm me when you've written more !! XD

Please continue! It was getting good.

I think there could have been some better word choice...
But im a novice at writing so bleh.(No need to listen to me)

But rrrrrreeeeeeaaaaallllyyyyyy! CONTINUE!
It was... Um.. Getting pretty hawt...

I don't know if we're aloud to make sex scenes on this, but I have one in my head right now that I'm probably gonna post(And its all your fault :P)

Keep writing.
Make them get it on.
And add a twist.

^__^
P3aC3 Ou7<33

I overall really think this story has good potential if you work on the little things. But the plot is good and unexpected. I kinda got confused on some parts but i'm pretty sure the other comments can tell you where. But overall this story is cute and i look foward to reading more of it.

I like the start of it but I think it could be more detailed all the way through. when david walks into the room whats the atmosphere like? what are the walls like? frash air or old gym socks?how is the light just little things like that. and when jake is rummaging what does it sound like? also when jake is stripping off what exactly is happening with David? is he having hot flushes? blushing? is he doing somehting to give him away.

I hope you don't find this offensive =)

I like the start of it but I think it could be more detailed all the way through. when david walks into the room whats the atmosphere like? what are the walls like? frash air or old gym socks?how is the light just little things like that. and when jake is rummaging what does it sound like? also when jake is stripping off what exactly is happening with David? is he having hot flushes? blushing? is he doing somehting to give him away?
itty bitty things make all the difference lol.
I hope you don't find this offensive =)