China Doll

Okay, I wrote this poem a month ago. I personally think that it is rubbish, but I decided that I will post it anyway and see what kind of response I get. I was thinking that it might make good lyrics for a song?!

You broke me like a china doll,
Released me from your clutch.
Watched me as I did fall,
I hit the ground
Then you walked away.

It wasn't that it ended badly.
And now and then I wish it had.
Would you have shouted, me crying sadly
Or was this ordeal already hard enough?

The time was short though the days seemed long
As I looked forward to seeing you.
But maybe this time has made me strong
And it will be easier to get over you.

I like this poem! I think that there are some things you can change about it though. ^_^ For example;

I hit the ground

Then you walked away.

I don't think you need to keep the 'then' in there. It moves better if you keep those two lines with the same syllables! ^_^

Would you have shouted, me crying sadly

Or was this ordeal already hard enough?

Hehehe, one of my friends here on YWS had a signature that instructs us never to have characters cry sadly or... something else. xD I mean, if they're crying, it's mostly always 'sadly', right? ^_^ I don't like the last line there either... it kind of seems like it's half in the past tense and half in the present tense! Since you'll need to rework that rhyme anyways, you might come up with something different! ^_^

As I looked forward to seeing you.

But maybe this time has made me strong

And it will be easier to get over you.

Since you're trying to rhyme the first and third lines only {I think that's what you're doing, that's all I've seen... >_>}, then you should try to avoid the second and fourth lines rhyming, ESPECIALLY rhyming them with a word that's the same. xP Try reworking one of the 'you' lines'. ^_^

You broke me like a china doll,

Released me from your clutch.

I really liked this opening line! However, I don't know if this matters all that much, but when I was reading it, I wanted it to rhyme with clutch! xD Like 'much' or something like that. xD That's just what I expected, but obviously that's not what you wanted in your poem. <_< Uhm, so I don't know what good it would do for me to tell you! But I will anyways, give you more feedback to work with.

I like it! I think, however, that you've got nice imagery at the beginning and then let it go. >_< Maybe you can bring some more powerful lines in? -shrugs-

Good work though! ^_^

-Hannah-

Hi! This wasn't terrible, for starters. In fact, it would even be 'pretty good' if I hadn't read essentially the same poem every day for the last two weeks. And I know that's not your fault, but unfortunately it's something you have to be aware of.
Lots of teenagers write about break-ups (which I assume this is about? I could be wrong). And lots of them use the same basic ideas: falling, crying, shouting, walking away, sadness, broken. My recomendation would be to make a list of all such words and ideas and write a break-up poem that doesn't include any of them. Now THAT would be original! My poetry teacher tells us that if the assignment is to write a poem about war, we're not allowed to include the word 'war' in the poem. Sometimes we pull words out of a hat and end up having to incorporate the word 'lovebird' or 'lampshade' or 'petunia' into our poems, just to throw us off-kilter and into the world of originality. One phrase we are never, EVER allowed to use, even in part, is 'dark eternal depths of my soul'.

This poem doesn't completely match the stereotype; there are certainly some merits to it. Number one, it has some imagery. That China Doll idea is great. Basically any metaphor is your friend. Maybe you could extend this one: "You broke me like a China Doll./Would that salty tears could slide across this smooth, cold face;/Would that broken hands could reach out to you, imploring;/Would that these ocean blue eyes could close in defeat;/But they are painted on, open, and have no choice but to rise again." Something like that. Anyway, you get the point. Stretch the image. Or add more imagery and metaphors--you could invent some different ones for further along in the poem.

Number two, you have some form of rhyme scheme. (Yes, I know poems don't have to rhyme, but rhyme takes thought and time, and if someone's put thought and time into a piece, it generally turns out better.) It works ok, but I'm with Hannah: I wanted the second and fourth lines to rhyme, too, when I first started reading it, and the rhyme of 'you' with 'you' doesn't work for me. Also, the five lines in the first stanza, versus four in all the others, is no good. And a little pet peeve of mine: in "Watched me as I did fall", you can take out "as I did", which is doing nothing, and make "fall", "fell". I understand if it's really necessary to keep the meter or the rhythm, but that's not a great line, and it's very close to the beginning, and it's not such a hard rhyme that you can't think of something to replace it. But in this case the extra words do nothing for the piece.

Well, I hope that helped! Sorry if I was being harsh--it's my way of saying a poem has potential. Good luck with this! Keep writing!

-Sophie

Is this better or worse ?



You broke me like a china doll,

Released me from your clutch.

Watched me as I fell

I hit the ground

You walked away.



It wasn't that it ended badly.

And now and then I wish it had.

Would you have shouted, me crying sadly

Or was this ordeal already hard enough?



But my face is chipped,

My eyes, their weeping

There's a hole in my chest

And I almost definitaly have eternal bleeding.



Version two=]

Wow, not bad! I like your use of a 'china doll' as a metaphor. Quite unique.

Rodhead wrote:
You broke me like a china doll,
Released me from your clutch.
Watched me as I did fall,
I hit the ground This line is a too simple and clashes with the whole thing. Try putting something like "smashing/shattering onto the floor" to give the 'china doll' effect.
Then you walked away.

It wasn't that it ended badly.
And now and then I wish it had.
Would you have shouted, me crying sadly Crying is already an action of sadness/despair, so no need to add 'sadly.'
Or was this ordeal already hard enough?

The time was short though the days seemed long
As I looked forward to seeing you.
But maybe this time has made me strong
And it will be easier to get over you.

Anyway, I thought this was really good, but your choice of words are a bit too simple. Try experimenting with colourful language, like similes, metaphors, etc. It'll make your poem more interesting and 'original.' You already have a good idea, so I'm sure after all the revising you'll come up with something better.

Good job, keep it up!

I especially love the title. However if I could suggest a change it would be in the first stanza.

"You broke me like a china doll, (This is a really good starting line)

Released me from your clutch.

Watched me as I did fall,

I hit the ground (You could perhaps replace the word 'hit' with some like 'shatter', 'crash', etc. so "I shatter to the ground")

Then you walked away." (This sentence ends too suddenly. It's pretty much a statement of what (he) did)