I Am Me

3 posts
User avatar
hhrockstarz
Gender Female
Points 1617
Reviews 28
Sun Feb 01, 2009 5:48 am
hhrockstarz says... · Sun Feb 01, 2009 5:48 am
:// I Am Me \\:

[Verse 1]

There you are,
Far from me.
Can you hear my thoughts?
Can you see my dreams?
My dreams of us,
Of what we’re to be!
Do you look past me?
Do you look past me?

I guess it’s not a fairy tale,
if it was you’d be mine for real!
I guess i wont get my prince charming

[Chorus]

Why can’t it just be like Cinderella?
Prince Charming and all but what can I tell ya!
Nothing is as it seems! this is the real world not a dream!
Why can’t it be just like snow white?
Eight tiny men save me but in your arms i lie
Nothing is as it seems! this is a real world not a dream!
And I am I am me I’m Cinderella.

[Verse 2]

There you are,
With her.
Can you see me dieing here?
Can you see me at all my dear?
I see you,
I see us.
Do you see what we’re to be?
Do you look past me?

I guess it’s not a fairy tale,
if it was you’d be mine for real!
I guess I’ll just dream of prince charming.

[Chorus]

Why can’t it just be like Sleeping Beauty?
Take a long sleep, wake up in the arms of a cutie.
Nothing is as it seems! this is the real world not a dream!
Why can’t it be just like Jasmine?
You might be poor, but you have the strongest passion.
Nothing is as it seems! This is the real world not a dream!
And I am I am me, I’m Cinderella.

I am Mulan all alone,
I Am Pocahontas away from home.
I Am tinkerbell floating around,
I am Ariel land bound.
I am Alice dazed and confused,
I am Bella falling into you,
And I am wishing I was with you!


Why can’t it be like Cinderella?
Why won’t my prince charming come?
This is the real world that’s all I can tell ya.
This is the real world not a dream and I am Cinderella!
Why can’t it be like Cinderella?
Nothing is as it seems! this is the real world not a dream!
And I am I am me...

I am Cinderella


___________________________________

Note: *I corrected the grammar,
*I changed the tinker bell part and the Bella part for the emotions to stay in check
* Tell me if "Eight tiny men save me but in your arms i lie" Makes more sense then "Eight tiny men to feed but i'm yours tonight" for Snow white
Last edited by hhrockstarz on Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:05 am, edited 2 times in total.
Quote




Random avatar
JustDance
Gender Female
Points 7273
Reviews 45
Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:09 pm
JustDance says... · Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:09 pm
Well that was pretty good.
make sure to put commas and you spelled dying as "dieing".


I’m am Mulan all alone
I’m Am Pocahontas away from home
I am Ariel who dreams of legs
I am tinker bell just friends I guess
I am Alice dazed and confused
I am Bella with my sparkling dude
And I am wishing I was with you
I wish upon a star
But this aint no fairy tale and I am
I am me

this part is good, but the tinker bell part i don't really get.
also it kinda went from sad\loving to like funny\loving with this verse.
Try to keep the same emotions, unless you are meaning to that.
if you are try a bit harder on making it a bit more obvious and also try to end it with the different emotion instead of going from happy to sad back to happy. it works good in most songs, but for some reason just not on this one.
Quote




User avatar
*DaughteroftheMoon*
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 51
Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:35 pm
*DaughteroftheMoon* says... · Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:35 pm
I had just gotten done with a thirty minute review on yours when my computer shut down, so, I will attempt to recall from memory what I wrote down the first time.

Rhythm:
I think that your beat is a bit off in places, but this is lyrics and I migt have had a different beat imagined that what you intended. Generally it was all consistant, there were just a few places that I didn't agree with them very well and they were not comfortable to me and they stood out...and not in a good way. I suggest that you sing this out loud and see if it maintains a steady beat, if yes then thats great.

Grammar and Punctauation:
I saw that you had a few misspellings throughout your poem. For this I would suggest the spelling check that YWS offers. Its there for a reason (please ignore my outbursts like that) Anyways, go back and get those buggers. Your punctuation needs to be added. All I see are question marks. There are no commas, periods, or exclamation marks, or any other such punctuation. I know that it may not seem important but it is. It can emphasize a point, or give different meanings. Oh the lines starting with "I'm am" should be changed to A am or I'm. Not both, but that was probably a typo.

Consistancy:
I found that in some lines you bouncing off the walls of ideas. In the lines with the dwarfs, you should probably take out the last half of that sentance of put it in a different lines, becuase they don't really relate that well. Same with tinkerbell. There are a few lines like that where you stop abd think, How are they related? So, please, look over these lyrics for that. Also, you also change emotions rather quickly, and there are a variety in them. I think that starting out, you should pick one main emotion and stick with it. Take out "Bella's sparkling dude" or use a different word than that. It sticks out of that verse like a sore thumb.

Overall:
I think that this song has alot of potentail. With some editing, this could actually go pretty dang far. Of course, it needs some major looking at and nickpicking. I liked the idea of the overall lyrics, and like the way you incorporate more recent love stories into it. So good luck and remember that practice makes perfect! Just stay consistant.
~Alyss
Amor Vincit Omnia
Quote

3 posts


You have been de-shenaniganed.
— WaffleCat