Guess the name

Gosh, I just felt that I had to write something. The heat is frying my brain and making me write crazy things though. Hope it's not too terrible.


Casually tiptoeing on the edge of decency,
Always reaching for a tranquil star.
The hot lights beat down upon me
Heavy moments sucking all my air.
Anticipation fizzes in my blood,
Retching resentment, bitter distress;
Searching for a reason to exist.
In this, I have found my resolution,
Safe, in my snug web of shame.

Hey Ducati! I've seen you around a lot, and you were in chat with me, and then I saw that this lovely little poem of yours had no reviews! I am here to remedy that. And, I'm bored, so this is going to be painfully in-depth and lengthy.

First of all, the very first thing I thought when I looked at this was the following, and I quote my mind exactly:

"Wow! It's so short, but each line has so many big words and complex phrases!"

Now, you may be wondering if that's good, bad, or just a nuetral poetic choice. I'm not quite sure yet. I'll wait to tell you my opinions on that until the end.

We shall begin.

Casually tiptoeing on the edge of decency,
Always reaching for a tranquil star.
The hot lights beat down upon me
Heavy moments sucking all my air.
Anticipation fizzes in my blood,
Retching resentment, bitter distress;
Searching for a reason to exist.
In this, I have found my resolution,
Safe, in my snug web of shame.

I just quoted that for a reference.

The first line is a good opener in my opinion. It's mysterious enough to have us intriged, but not so ambiguous as to leave us utterly confused. However, I don't think 'casually' is the word your looking for. Later, you state that you're anticipating something, you're filled with retching resentment and bitter distress and shame, and there are heavy moments...what I'm saying is, this seems way more powerful than 'casually'. More passionate than 'casually'. You know? 'Carefully' might work, or 'cautiously', or 'slowly' even. It doesn't seem casual at all.

Line two!

'Tranquil star'. It sounds impressive, and it certainly flows beautifully, but is that really the meaning you're trying to express? A star (which could symbolize anything from a farawy dream to your true love) that's peaceful and serene? The two, when placed together, don't necessarily get across a concrete image in our heads. But, then again, it sounds pretty. It's nothing big. I'm just going super crazy nitpicky and in-depth on you.

Line three!

Earlier, you used 'tranquil star'. Then you say 'hot lights'. Are they the same? Or, could the hot lights be the 'heavy moments' in the next line? Either way, this line flows nicely with the lines beside it. No insane paragraph on word choice here!

Four!

Is 'sucking all my air' really the phrase you want? If it is, the proper way to state it would be 'sucking in all of my air', but that's a little too long for my taste. The 'heavy moments' is beautiful, but think about exactly what those moments are doing. If your trying to say 'taking my breath away' then think of a prettier and more gentle word to use than 'sucking'. Perhaps?

More than half-way done now!

I love line five. It truly does describe how anticipation feels. Kudos on using the word 'fizzes' which is a generally awesome word.

To line six!

I think you could replace the comma with 'and' just to help the flow a bit.

And seven!

This line seems precariously close to rhyming with the previous one, and it's probably my least favorite line of the whole poem just because it's so cliched. Reason for existance, you know? What else could you search for that's a bit more creative?

Line eight, and, just for the heck of it, nine!

You don't really 'find' resolutions, do you? You make them. And what is this resolution? I think, if my interpreting skills are on target today, that you're making a resolution to leave life's troubles behind and instead bury yourself in a safe web. But this is shameful, running away from your feelings and the world.

Am I close?

I love the last line, but I'm not sure what this poem means as a whole. Depending on how you look at it, there can be lots of different meanings to it. Although I liked poems with a concrete emotion they're trying to get across, I liked this because of it's complexity.

So, back to the beginning. I like the short poem-long phrases thing.

PM if you have any questions or want another insanely in-depth review on something else of yours. This is great to review, and wonderful to read!

~Evi

EDIT: It needs a title! Don't tell us to guess it's name. Name it something confusing and mysterious, or 'Web of Shame' or something. It needs a title!

Wow. It sounds really good, and it flows well. I agree though, that "Heavy moments sucking my air" is a bit awkward sounding. Maybe "Heavy moments suck away my air"?

Aside from that, lovely. Keep it up! Oh, and Evi, look again at the first letters.

Oops. I get it now. I'm just slow that way.