Break through the Barriers (edited)

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quietloud798
Gender Female
Points 1610
Reviews 47
Sat Jan 31, 2009 4:45 am
quietloud798 says... · Sat Jan 31, 2009 4:45 am
Push
Through the tough barriers
The steel exteriors
The far fetched hides
Run
Though closed doors yield
Wear my heart and sheild
Ram my feet down on the pavement
Fight
All of those who tried
Seemed to deny
What we all want to fight for
Mourn
For the ones who died
Who took their lives
When they couldn't hold on anymore
Passion
Of love for the lonely
Lead our lives somberly
Before we find our other half
Volitale
Let emotions run wild
Like a young child
Live with all you have
Fierce
Attack your agressors
While diving in your pressures
And don't ever give up
Push
Run
Fight
Mourn
Passion
Volitale
Fierce
Last edited by quietloud798 on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
NaNoWriMo, ftw.
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Rosendorn
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Sat Jan 31, 2009 6:46 pm
Rosendorn says... · Sat Jan 31, 2009 6:46 pm
Hiya! You said other poetry, so here I am!

Um, wow. After reading this out loud I have no nit-picks. It's so beautiful.

One thing I have to say though, is I would like to see a stanza about each of the words you have bellow. "Passion," "Volatile" and "Fierce" are missing stanzas.

I would also add some words in that list. This poem seems to be about elements of life, and you're missing "love" in there. What I'd like to see is all those words with stanzas, then repeated, and the word "life" or "live" at the end as it's own stanza. I think that would really improve this already great poem. But, that's just an idea.

As for where it fits, this might be able to fit in Dramatic, but I'm not sure. I think it's fine where it is.

Hope I helped! You get a gold star for amazingness!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
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esteria
Gender Female
Points 1408
Reviews 20
Sat Jan 31, 2009 6:47 pm
esteria says... · Sat Jan 31, 2009 6:47 pm
Hi there
I'm not very good at being a critic but here is my two pence.Your style of writing is great and fun to read. The words such as Push, Run,Fight just before a stanza are attractive but It took me a while to get an idea of what your poem was saying and to be honest I still dont think the idea I got is what you wanted your readers to get!

"...Through closed doors yeild

My heart and my sheild

Ram down on the pavement

Fight..."
This part especially was very confusing and I think you also misspelled yield. Happy writing...
unhappy people hate to be reminded that happiness exists. Save your energy.
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