A Titleless Story (7)

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

Hey again! This, like the chapters before it, is pretty good. However, there are a couple things that confused me. First of all, I never really understand quite why she left for America in the first place. Second, when do they find out their brother is getting married? Third,

Hey again! This chapter, like the others before it, is pretty good. However, they are a couple things that confused me a little bit. First, when do we find out that their brother is getting married? Second, why does Rosaline go to America in the first place? That never really made much sense to me. Third, when Jared says "she looks so much like Rosaline", to me, that makes it sound like Cerise is just a replacement for Rosaline. It sounds kind of cold if you read it the wrong way. You might want to change that a little bit. Anyways, this sounds good! Can't wait to read more!

Are you ready? I'm so pumped to write this review! Okay so here we go-

“I’m home!” Jared shouted out, slamming the apartment door closed behind him, and flinging his keys onto the floor. “Cerise?”

You don't really need this part, it's clear he's shouting out.

Rosaline couldn’t believe what she just heard Rosetta confess to her, firstly that Jared still loved her – which was totally ridiculous – and that she, she blamed herself for Rosaline’s own stupid actions.

What I bolded isn't really necessary either.

Overall I liked this chapter, although a bit short it still had the homey touch. I'm so happy that you chose to continue it, too. In fact I actually thought you had decided not to. Well I can't wait for more and I really can't express how much I'm happy you're BACK!!!

**Mo**

Hey! Congrats on another excellent chapter!

Mr Stuart was a very insecure man, routing for his get-out-of-jail ticket with the use of Jared, one of the best lawyers in London, even though Mr Stuart didn’t have any faith at all in him.

A bit of an awkward sentence here, and a long one, too. I would suggest instead of "with the use of Jared" just "with Jared" and instead of "even though", "but". Or you could just split it into two sentences after "with Jared".

Jared sighed, the court case was still another two weeks away, so that meant another two weeks having to put up with the whinging, grey haired man.

Semicolon instead of the comma after "sighed".

She looked so gorgeous whilst she was sleeping, her dimples making little indents into her soft cheeks, her blonde hair wild around her face, and her hands scrunched up into tight little fists at her side.

It's "while" she was sleeping, and there is no comma before "and". Unless both fists are on one side you need to say "by her sides" and even if it is just the one it's "by" not "at". Also, I wonder how someone can have tight fists and be peacefully asleep? Wouldn't her fists be loose?

Moving as silently as possible, he moved to the side of the bed, and tugged the duvet cover down as softly as he could.

Too many "move"s! How about getting rid of the "moving" altogether? The sentence wouldn't miss it.

Jared smiled at her, smoothing his hand over Cerise’s soft, blonde hair: she looked so much like Rosaline.

Full stop, not colon.

he whispered, not wanting to wake her up too much.

"Wake her up too much"? This is just strange. How about "startling her" or something?

Rosaline gaped at Rosetta, a spring roll that was making its way into her mouth now hung in mid air in her frozen hand.

You mention that the roll is in her hand far too late; I was under the impression that it was floating by itself! Try "her hand frozen, the spring roll in it halted" or something that indicates from the start that she is holding the spring roll.

It didn’t make sense, but Rosaline couldn’t really ask Rosetta about the new girlfriend, as she wasn’t supposed to of heard them in the first place – she still wish she hadn’t.

It's "supposed to have". I'm sorry, but that is just sloppy. The sentence also holds unsteadily. You could split it after "girlfriend" into two sentences and throw out the "as".

“What... erm, what do you mean?” Rosaline asked her blushing sister, false nonchalance ringing through her voice.

"..." and "erm" are both doing the same thing, showing her discomfort (or at least feigned surprise). Use one only.

Rosaline mumbled, lost for words and avoiding Rosetta’s gaze.

"Lost for words" and "avoiding Rosetta's gaze"? First off I would change "gaze" to "eye" and second I would only use one of the two. Too many actions!

Rosaline looked up from her plate, her mouth a-gape.

"Agape" is one word.

“Don’t look so surprised!” Rosetta carried on, waving her fork in the air, “it was pretty obvious you left because of me and Kenso...”

"Kenso and I" - although you may have done this on purpose to make the speech more realistic.

Rosetta returned the smile and carried on talking,

Period not comma. "Talking" is not a talking verb - that sounds weird. A talking verb is "said", "cried", "yelled", etc.

After all, it was me who insisted on the marriage on a complete impulse in the first place, and then because of that I lost my sister and brother-in-law all at once, as well as breaking both my sister and husband’s hearts...”

"It was I" - again that may be just for speech uniqueness.

Tears were now flowing down Rosetta’s freckled nose and hollow cheeks; she had gotten so thin.

Again, period not semicolon.

Rosaline poked Rosetta’s nose, and she gave a slight giggle,

I thought she was so sad just a second ago! Now she's laughing? How about a "slight smile"?

Rosaline groaned inwardly; the last thing she wanted was a visit to her Mum who would probably go on about how much she’d missed her and ask her why Rosaline never called her whilst she was in America, making her feel doubly guilty. But she would be pleased to see her big brother again; she missed him and his advice so terribly, and she was desperate to meet the girl who had convinced him to marry: something she thought Jase would never do.

"While" not "whilst". Comma after "Mum". "She" not "Rosaline". Don't start sentences with "but". Semicolon or a dash (-). Period not semicolon after "again".

“Well, no, but I promise to talk to Mum and Dad soon,” Rosaline added quickly at the reproachful look Rosetta gave her.

Unless Rosetta is reproachful about talking to their parents soon, you should end the speech at "no," and put Rosetta's reproachful look in there, then start again with "but" (because that's not starting a sentence ) and put the period after "quickly".

“And Jase?” Rosetta asked, raising her eyebrows, convinced she knew the answer to this.

How about instead of the awkward "convinced", you put a period after "eyebrows" and change "she knew..." to a new sentence.

Rosaline looked at Rosetta, who just burst out laughing: that was exactly the answer she had been expecting.

Get rid of the "Rosaline looked at Rosetta". Start with "Rosetta burst out laughing", put a semicolon instead of the colon and you have a punchy finishing line!

Love to hear that you are keeping your voice but be careful: sometimes you go to somewhat extreme lengths to not use that personal-ish third person, like writing thoughts as sentences. Overall, keeping up with your regular standard!

Thank you all for your reviews...

1stViolinS.C. - The reason Rosaline left for America, will become clearer in the next few chapters, but as you've asked I may as well tell you . Because Rosetta and Kenso were getting married, Rosaline felt that it was wrong to carry on dating Jared (as he ends up being a brother-in-law to her by marriage), so they agree to stop dating, but simply put they couldn't stay away from each other, so Rosaline thought that the best solution was to move to America, where she could no longer carry on hurting herself and Jared. Makes sense? It does become clearer; I've actually written the chapter where she expains to Jared why she did what she did, so it should make better snesne then

Mo - haha, thank you, your reviews always make me happy. Thank you also for following this story so faithfully - I can't tell you how much I appreciate it

Chichi - thanks for the detailed review - it will come in extra handy!!

Thank you all again for taking your time to read and review my work and also for following this story throughout - you guys make me very happy
--Lucyy xx

Hey lucy-lu, my british friend-o-mine! I'm sorry I won't be able to get to Chapter 8 tonight like I said I would but I am going to finish this one. I promise, though, that I'll get to it by this weekend ^_^

Okay, but let's get this one rolling first...

Jared turned his attention back to his sleeping Cerise. She looked so gorgeous whilst she was sleeping, her dimples making little indents into her soft cheeks, her blonde hair wild around her face, and her hands scrunched up into tight little fists at her side.

You mention sleeping too often here. We already know that. I like how you go into detail about what she looks like but maybe describe something else instead of telling us that she's asleep, you know?

Jared smiled at her, smoothing his hand over Cerise’s soft, blonde hair: she looked so much like Rosaline.

Whoa... wouldn't that send warning signs off in his head that he might be a tad obsessive at this point? Isn't he worried about that part? Or is that just normal thinking for him... because I would think being with another person that looks like your ex would be painful. I would elaborate more on what he thinks, what he's feeling, ect.

~ ~ ~ ~

I liked this chapter. It was very easy going and relaxed with the two sisters having a little lunch-in at a Chinese place - very normal I could picture it perfectly in my mind.

The only issue I have is the beginning. I felt you didn't have enough information to keep it alive. It started good with the lawyer-talk but then it kind of fizzled when you talked about Celie. I want to really understand Jared and his thoughts. I wanna know him and how much it hurt him and how much he's still hurting after Rosaline left. Really bring that across and I think the reader will feel more for him, you know?

Otherwise, another great piece, lucy! I can't wait to read the next installment tomorrow

See ya!