The Pyre-Men.

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They arent really there.

I know that much.

They dance above the cemeteries and race the sun.

The branches of dead trees reaching out to them, trying to keep them of this world.

Swollen oaks burdened by the trail of memories and regrets left in their wake.

They arent really there.

It seems that way.

Their fine suits pressed and as black as midnight.

With a great wax candle atop a derby that bounces upon their heads.

While they dance.

While they leap.

While they enjoy their silent laughing.

They arent really there.

I'd like to think that.

They never tire, and never frown, their faces painted like a macabre mime.

I never hear them speak.

I've never heard them speak.

Not when they came for father.

Nor when they came for mother.

I just heard the soft tap tap tap of their careful feet on hard wood.

And the relaxed sigh of the dead's final rest.

They arent really there.

I still say to myself.

Its not long before I hear them in my hall, coming for me.

The same silent laughter going amongst them.

The same comforting smile upon their faces.

The same caring handling they afforded my loved ones.

And the same lovely dance that I've wanted to take since I was a child.

They arent really there.

And when the time for your own waltz with them comes.

You'll wonder the same thing about yourself.
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
Look Mexico.




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This is brilliant. It's almost as good as reading through the lyrics of a Tool song.

The only thing I would advise is to just get rid of the periods at the end of every sentece. Only a few would be necessary if you're trying to make a point, but putting one at every end of the line only makes it appear strange and is unwieldy-looking.

Great stuff though man.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.




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Wow, I loved this. Dark, beautiful, some great images. My only critique: put apostrophes in "aren't". I might also suggest stanzas, just because I happen to like those, but it really doesn't need them. I do agree with Krupp, though, that you should standardize the punctuation. Just punctuate it as you would prose, otherwise it gets distracting.

Oh, and a dumb question here: What's a derby? That kind of threw me off.

Aside from that, fantastic! You get a gold star!
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>




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Hey this is wonderful, a lot more focused than the last one i reviewed, the only thing critique I can think of is that your ending is really disappointing!
Here we have this rather amazing poem, and the end just doesn't work, it's very banal, try thinking up something more striking that will leave us hanging there thinking about it all day, something more memorable!
Try something along the lines of "they aren't really there, but if you were waiting as I am, waiting for you last waltz, you would see them as I see, and fear as I do"....
I don't know, this is just a suggestion and i wouldn't want to rewrite it so just play around with it a bit
xx
Velvet
*star*




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I certainly enjoyed this! I would, however, advise you to change up the punctuation now and again and get ride of having the "period at the end of every line" thing. A little change in structure and BOOM! You have yourself a masterpiece, loved the imagery!
- - No one is free while others are oppressed - -
Gandhi.



maybe the backs are the stories we made along the way
— soundofmind