Shining Light

Shining Light

This world of darkness,
this world of hate.
This world of cruelty,
this world of fate.

It led me to believe
I was hopeless,
that there was no more
chance for me.
I gave up living,
my life's meaning
was no more.

And then you come along,
and opened up that door.
You shined your light
on my darkness,
and freed me from
my curse.

In the shadows of the night,
you were my brilliant light.
The one who rescued me.

The warmth of yout radiance,
your carefree smile,
make my heart grow wings.
I forget all about my troubles
and smile along with you.

I smile.
I laugh.
I fly.

You are my shining light,
My savior.
My hero
The one I love.
Never let your light die down,
for I will always protect you
my shining light.

This world of darkness,
this world of hate. This isn't a sentence. No period for fragments.
This world of cruelty,
this world of fate. Ditto.

The rhyming here sounds slightly forced. Is there another way you can get across each of these emotions without just stating...'this world of, this world of...'?[/code]

It led me to believe
I was hopeless,
that there was no more
chance for me.
I gave up living,
my life's meaning
was no more.

So...you stopped rhyming? *scratches head* Why? Or, why did you rhyme the first stanza? Rhyming aside, this stanza is your typical 'Oh, woe is me, my life is so suckish, I CAN'T GO ON! kind of stanza. Show us why you gave up, or how you gave up, or where you're life's meaning went.

And then you come along,
and opened up that door. That door? Which door? Don't use demonstratives unless we know what you're thinking of.
You shined your light
on my darkness,
and freed me from
my curse.

This, my love, is starting to sound very much like a perfectly cliche love poem. I'm ever so sorry.

In the shadows of the night,
you were my brilliant light.
The one who rescued me.

So, you're going for the irregular free-form? That's perfectly fine. But, these lines are just a re-wroding of the stanza above. You might want to put more oomph! into these to make them different.

The warmth of yout radiance, 'Yout?' Your, I believe.
your carefree smile,
makes my heart grow wings.
I forget all about my troubles
and smile along with you.

I smile.
I laugh.
I fly.

I actually like the simplicity of this. It would work even better if there was some contrast; more passion in the beginning, more emotion, more imagery-- and then hit us with this soft, gentle stanza. The effect would be nice, I assure you.

You are my shining light, You've already said this. Numerous times, actually. He's light. We get it. Is there any other way you can show this? Try a Thesaurus. Or, use your imagination!
My savior.
My hero
The one I love. We gathered this already. No need to state the obvious.
Never let your light die down,
for I will always protect you(comma here)
my shining light.[/quote]

So! Hi Shina, my name's Evi. If you add an 'L' to the end of my username, you get Evil. There's a reason for that.

So, this poem is, as of now, quite cliched. You use the same words over and over again; light, life, blah de blah de blah. This is going to sound rude and harsh, but, right now, it has no meaning. It gets across no emotion. Do you want us to feel her darkness, feel her curse, feel his brilliance warming her soul? Then do! Give us something more than, 'I was in shadows, you are my light, I love you'. Many poems can give us that. Your job is to make us (a) believe it, and (b) care. Because, the poem above makes me neither believe in this pain and discovery, or care about it.

So, your task is hard. I hereby challenge thee to make us care. Tell us about how her world was deteriorating into wisps of shadows, or how his glorious light was like a beacon from a far away fairytale. Imagery! Passion! We want it all!

The subject has potential, and I have full faith in your abilities to edit and give us something more. Hope this wasn't too harsh. PM me if you need me to take a look at the edit!

~Evi