Emily

Emily

This isn't what I want to be. This isn't how I want people to see myself. So many negative thoughts are swirling in my head while I'm trying to make sense of all of this. Years of suppressed feelings have all built up to this mere moment, and while staring into her eyes, for a second, I don't regret it at all.

Ever since I met Emily, over a year ago, I was drawn to her. She is stunning, and I immediately recognized it, and with a dear, sweet heart to match. At first, I didn't exactly understand what I was feeling towards her or why. Then it was the day she consulted to me that she was going on date with someone she met at the mall one Saturday.

My first reaction was "Is he cute?"

Emily chuckled and then slowly shook her head at me, I didn't understand why.

"It's a girl." Emily said, looking back at me.

The words she said pierced inside of me like knives. I was jealous. I was jealous that Emily found interests beyond friendship with another person, another girl.

She then began to tuck my dark-blond hair behind my right ear and started to lean in for both of our lips to collide, pressing together once again. How badly I want to fulfill her wants, and to touch, kiss, and feel her body all over, though my conscious yelped at me to put it to a stop.

"Christina," she spoke, her voice beginning to quake. "I thought..."

"No." I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth and avoiding the sight of her marvelous, hazel eyes, both growing wide as moons.

Emily quickly stood up, glared at me with a stare of both admiration and loath, and soon darted out of the door and out of the house. I tried to call back after her, but she was already gone, and the small, soft cry I had let out would've been enough for her to notice. I want to be with her, I really do, but I don't dare want to be different or a disappointment to anyone special in my life. Yet, I have become a disappointment to her; my best friend, the person is always there for me, and the person I am in love with.

The day swiftly came to a close after Emily stormed off. The weight of the world, feeling compressed and heavy on top of me, clashed with the sheets of my bed, never feeling so comforting. I wish to lay here until all my worries wash away into the majestic, foamy sea, and when I can suddenly control my feelings and thoughts, and be normal. The crudeness and jokes that gets tossed at Emily on a regular basis is enough to keep me quiet about this all, and to pretend to be the norm of everyone around me and be completely, one-hundred percent, and strictly heterosexual.

Though I had wished to stay in bed for as long as I desired, I know I have to wake up and head off to a dreaded-unanticipated day of school, knowing I would bump into her. Hopefully, I embarrassed her enough for her to not tell anyone of the events that took place the previous day in my room. The last thing I need in my life is being the hated "B word", and others actually knowing of it.

The bus started to sooth me, I have never been so in touch with my thoughts than the moment after Emily kissed me, and the only time my secret feelings could have interfered with every external aspect of my life. What if I do decide to embrace myself, and to be with Emily, I thought. I would be ecstatic, certainly, but would it be worth possibly being disowned by any or all of my loved ones? I imagined of the best and worst outcomes of the great decision that was ahead of me. Before weighing all of the possibilities out, the bus went to a stop, I have now arrived at the place where my choice would take place at. It will be decided by today, I promised.

I quickly navigated straight to the gymnasium, where Emily and I usually hangs out in the mornings, the room being crowded as usual, made it quite tough for me to find her. Catching a glance at a lengthy, thin figure with draping beautiful, wavy, dark hair, I knew it was her. My legs, several inches shorter than hers, made it harder for me to move towards her faster. Moving nearer to Emily, I noticed she was with someone else, a guy. Both of them also appeared to look pretty close with one another, and holding hands. Once again, the knives carved inside of me. How fast the girl moves on. Just last night she was whispering in my of how much she longed to be with me, how I made her feel, and now she's cuddling with a curly haired ginger kid with horrendous freckles and terrible acne. All of sweet-nothings she told me yesterday must have been lies.

The bell's ring indicated that first period would be in session in a couple of minutes. While heading down to my Biology class, which Emily and I shared, I heard her voice yelling after me.

"Christina, wait!"

I obeyed the call and stopped right in my tracks, though my heart was still very bitter and wanted to continue walking.

"What is it?" I said, crossing my arms, and trying to hold up the tone of my voice to sound the least bit sad.

"I caught you looking at me and Drew,"

"That's the ogre's name?" I grumbled.

Emily giggled and my response. "I was using him. You made me feel so horrible when you turned me down, so I tried to make you jealous in a way, to make you realize you want me, because I know you do."

I nodded in silence and said "You're right, Em, I do want you, more than anything actually."

A large smile grew across her face, making her even more pleasant to look at. "Is this official, Christy?" She asked.

All the thoughts and speculations of the negative aspects of being with Emily drifted away, in that metaphorical sea I longed for it to go. It's funny how jealous makes me realize important things my heart knows, but my conscious fights off. "Of course," I said.

Plenty of other students are surrounding us, and probably eaves dropping, but I could care less. I should have had this state of mind since the start, being who I really am, and being with the person I adored. Even though this wasn't nor the time or place, I was kissing her, and kissing her the way I always day-dreamed of while it was safe in my head, and to make up for the suffering I made her endure. This act will have backlash, I thought, but it's completely worth it. Anything for my Emily.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:Emily

This isn't what I want to be. This isn't how I want people to see myself. (How I want people to see me.) So many negative thoughts are swirling in my head while I'm trying to make sense of all of this. Years of suppressed feelings have all built up to this mere (You're making it sound like a big deal, not a merely insignificant momet.) moment, and while staring into her eyes, for a second, (cut this comma) I don't regret it at all.

Ever since I met Emily, (cut this comma) over a year ago, I was drawn to her. She is stunning, and I immediately recognized it, and with a dear, sweet heart to match. At first, I didn't exactly understand what I was feeling towards her or why. Then it was the day she consulted to me that she was going on date with someone she met at the mall one Saturday.

My first reaction was "Is he cute?"

Emily chuckled and then slowly shook her head at me, I didn't understand why.

"It's a girl." Emily said, looking back at me.

The words she said pierced inside of me like knives. I was jealous. I was jealous that Emily found interests beyond friendship with another person, another girl.

She then began to tuck my dark-blond hair behind my right ear and started to lean in for both of our lips to collide, pressing together once again. How badly I want to fulfill her wants, and to touch, kiss, and feel her body all over, though my conscious yelped at me to put it to a stop.

"Christina," she spoke, her voice beginning to quake. "I thought..." You never showed us Christina's actions. What is Emily reacting to?

"No." I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth and avoiding the sight of her marvelous, hazel eyes, both growing wide as moons.

Emily quickly stood up, glared at me with a stare of both admiration and loath, and soon darted out of the door and out of the house. We didn't know where they were until now. Perhaps set up the setting before this?I tried to call back after her, but she was already gone, and the small, soft cry I had let out would've been enough for her to notice. I want to be with her, I really do, but I don't dare want to be different or a disappointment to anyone special in my life. Yet, I have become a disappointment to her; my best friend, the person who is always there for me, and the person I am in love with.

The day swiftly came to a close after Emily stormed off. Stormed off? I didn't get the impretion that she exactly stormed off. If she did, tell us that a bit more so it's more obvious her anger. The weight of the world, feeling compressed and heavy on top of me, clashed with the sheets of my bed, never feeling so comforting. I wish to lay here until all my worries wash away into the majestic, foamy sea, and when I can suddenly control my feelings and thoughts, and be normal. The crudeness and jokes that gets tossed at Emily on a regular basis is enough to keep me quiet about this all, and to pretend to be the norm of everyone around me and be completely, one-hundred percent, and strictly heterosexual.

Though I had wished to stay in bed for as long as I desired, I know I have to wake up and head off to a dreaded-unanticipated day of school, knowing I would bump into her. Hopefully, I embarrassed her enough for her to not tell anyone of the events that took place the previous day in my room. The last thing I need in my life is being the hated "B word", and others actually knowing of it.

The bus started to sooth me, I have never been so in touch with my thoughts than the moment after Emily kissed me, and the only time my secret feelings could have interfered with every external aspect of my life. What if I do decide to embrace myself, and to be with Emily, I thought. I would be ecstatic, certainly, but would it be worth possibly being disowned by any or all of my loved ones? I imagined of the best and worst outcomes of the great decision that was ahead of me. Before weighing all of the possibilities out, the bus went to a stop, I have now arrived at the place where my choice would take place at. Don't end a sentence with 'at'. I'm sorry, it's grammatically incorrect and it's a pet peeve of mine. It will be decided by today, I promised. Your tenses are getting confused. Promised, want...decide on one and stick to it.

I quickly navigated straight to the gymnasium, where Emily and I usually hang[s]s[/s] out in the mornings, but] the room being crowded [b](as usual)[s],[/s] made it [s]quite[/s] tough for me to find her. Catching a glance at a lengthy, thin figure with draping beautiful, wavy, dark hair, I knew it was her. My legs, several inches shorter than hers, made it harder for me to move towards her faster. Moving nearer to Emily, I noticed she was with someone else, colon here, not comma a guy. Both of them also appeared to look pretty close with one another, and holding hands. Once again, the knives carved inside of me. How fast the girl moves on. Just last night she was whispering in my ears of how much she longed to be with me, how I made her feel, and now she's cuddling with a curly haired ginger kid with horrendous freckles and terrible acne. All of sweet-nothings she told me yesterday must have been lies.

The bell's ring indicated that first period would be in session in a couple of minutes. While heading down to my Biology class, which Emily and I shared, I heard her voice yelling after me.

"Christina, wait!"

I obeyed the call and stopped right in my tracks, though my heart was still very bitter and wanted to continue walking. What is maing her stop? What does she have to gain by stopping?

"What is it?" I said, crossing my arms, and trying to hold up the tone of my voice to sound the least bit sad.

"I caught you looking at me and Drew,"

"That's the ogre's name?" I grumbled.

Emily giggled and my response. "I was using him. You made me feel so horrible when you turned me down, so I tried to make you jealous in a way, to make you realize you want me, because I know you do." Whoa. I didn't see this coming, and it doesn't really make sense. Think about it: if you're best friend/love caught you with a guy, you probably wouldn't giggle and come right out and say this. Think of more original dialogue.

I nodded in silence and said "You're right, Em, I do want you, more than anything actually." And you wouldn't say this immediately. You'd have thoughts running through your mind, trying to understand your feelings, making a decision. Not this automatic affirmation.

A large smile grew across her face, making her even more pleasant to look at. "Is this official, Christy?" She asked.

All the thoughts and speculations of the negative aspects of being with Emily drifted away, in that metaphorical sea I longed for it to go. It's funny how jealous makes me realize important things my heart knows, but my conscious fights off. Re=read this sentence to yourself. Something's missing. The structure doesn't make sense. "Of course," I said.

Plenty of other students are surrounding us, and probably eaves-dropping, but I could care less. I should have had this state of mind since the start, being who I really am, and being with the person I adored. Even though this wasn't [s]nor[/s] neither the time nor place, I was kissing her, and kissing her the way I always day-dreamed of while it was safe in my head, and to make up for the suffering I made her endure. This act will have backlash, 'the act will backfire' sounds better I thought, but it's completely worth it. Anything for my Emily.

So. This is a good attempt at tackling such a controversial and difficult topic, but you need to add more passion. At the beginning there was no hint of internal conflict, and you don't mention these feelings ever appearing before. Why now? Why Emily? You didn't tel us they were best friends until later, which is a fact we needed to know earlier. Christina portray's emily as just a perfect beautiful goddess, but she can't be. She has faults. Show them, and show Christina's too. How does Christina feel about rejecting her? Emily's response should be much more passionate, whether you go the sad direction or the more furious direction. I sugest rereading this yourself and making sure that, in every emotional reaction, thought, word, or event, you have the approproate description placed there. Let us know everything about their relartionship, and let us know if things have been heading towards this direction for a while, or if this is new.

This was good, you just need to keep working on it. Put yourself in each girl's position. And be aware of the other students in the hallway; Christina will be bervous about them the whole time, not just in that one sentence. Give us more!

Good luck,

~Evi

"No." I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth and avoiding the sight of her marvelous, hazel eyes, both growing wide as moons.

"Growing wide as moons" is a bit of a cliche.

Emily quickly stood up, glared at me with a stare of both admiration and loath,

"both admiration and loath"? It should be loathing, but I don't think you should use this expression, tey to show, don't say, how can someone look at someone in this way?

The weight of the world, feeling compressed and heavy on top of me, clashed with the sheets of my bed, never feeling so comforting

Repetition of feeling here, should be changed for variety.

a dreaded-unanticipated day of school

Unanticipated? She goes there every day, surely it can't be a suprise?

The last thing I need in my life is being the hated "B word", and others actually knowing of it.

What's the "B word"?

Before weighing all of the possibilities out, the bus went to a stop, I have now arrived at the place where my choice would take place at.

Maybe just "the bus stopped"? Or the bus "pulled to a stop"? The last sentence is also a little dry, and doesn't really encourage me to read on.

where Emily and I usually hangs out in the mornings

Should be "hang".

I obeyed the call and stopped right in my tracks, though my heart was still very bitter and wanted to continue walking.

I like the idea of the bitter heart, but it could be written better. Maybe put the bitter heart sentence at the end for more effect?

"That's the ogre's name?" I grumbled.


Emily giggled and my response. "I was using him. You made me feel so horrible when you turned me down, so I tried to make you jealous in a way, to make you realize you want me, because I know you do."

I personally didn't like this part. Firstly, ogre is a strange word to use in this day and age in my opinion, but maybe that's just a cultural thing? However, I feel that Christina as a character would try to hide her emotions more, and not show her disdain for the "ogre". Similarly, I'm suprised that Emily just came right out and admitted her intentions, unless she is lying (which I assume so) and is just playing more games. Because I can't imagine anyone just saying that outright.

It's funny how jealous makes me realize important things my heart knows,

Either "funny how being jealous" or "jealousy"

probably eaves dropping

I could be wrong, but I think "eavesdropping" is one word?

Honestly, all in all, the mysterious beginning was intriguing and encouraged me to read, but after that it was just generic cliches and your sentenc structure bored me a little so I felt it was hard to read on. It seems a bit like you're babbling and don't really have that much plot in between the initial kiss and the inevitable relationship. Similarly, the characters seem slightly one-dimensional, especially Emily. The ending was a bit rushed too, I feel there should be some more thinking on Christina's part.

It was an emotional piece, and seemed to stem from the heart. It definitely has potential, just to keep the momentum going throughout the story to keep the reader interested.

Thanks, for all the critiques. I would edit and revise this, but I'm really can't find the state of mind to write well for the last couple of weeks. I wrote this to kinda fight against that, and, as you can see, it did not work out very well.

This story has potential.
However, things you need to improve on:
1) I know same-gender romances aren't as common as boy meets girl type of stories,
But within your category, it is too cliched. It got boring as the story progressed.
2) You should elaborate and stretch the story more. Give us more details and insight on your characters. You seemed to be in a rush.

Your vocabulary was not bad, so thumbs up for that,
But add some twists to the plot!
From the moment they kissed, I could predict that
The girl would storm off, then they'd make up, and poof! your happy ending.

Best of luck with editing it!

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:Emily

This isn't what I want to be. This isn't how I want people to see myself. So many negative thoughts are swirling in my head while I'm trying to make sense of all of this. Years of suppressed feelings have all built up to this mere moment, and while staring into her eyes, for a second, I don't regret it at all.

Ever since I met Emily, over a year ago, I was drawn to her. She is stunning, and I immediately recognized it, and with a dear, sweet heart to match. At first, I didn't exactly understand what I was feeling towards her or why. Then it was the day she consulted to me that she was going on date with someone she met at the mall one Saturday.

My first reaction was "Is he cute?"

Emily chuckled and then slowly shook her head at me, I didn't understand why.

"It's a girl." Emily said, looking back at me.

The words she said pierced inside of me like knives. I was jealous. I was jealous that Emily found interests beyond friendship with another person, another girl.

She then began to tuck my dark-blond hair behind my right ear and started to lean in for both of our lips to collide, pressing together once again. How badly I want to fulfill her wants, and to touch, kiss, and feel her body all over, though my conscious yelped at me to put it to a stop.

"Christina," she spoke, her voice beginning to quake. "I thought..."

"No." I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth and avoiding the sight of her marvelous, hazel eyes, both growing wide as moons.

Emily quickly stood up, glared at me with a stare of both admiration and loath, and soon darted out of the door and out of the house. I tried to call back after her, but she was already gone, and the small, soft cry I had let out would've been enough for her to notice.
The day swiftly came to a close after Emily stormed off. The weight of the world, feeling compressed and heavy on top of me, clashed with the sheets of my bed, never feeling so comforting. I wish to lay here until all my worries wash away into the majestic, foamy sea, and when I can suddenly control my feelings and thoughts, and be normal. The crudeness and jokes that gets tossed at Emily on a regular basis is enough to keep me quiet about this all, and to pretend to be the norm of everyone around me and be completely, one-hundred percent, and strictly heterosexual.

Though I had wished to stay in bed for as long as I desired, I know I have to wake up and head off to a dreaded-unanticipated day of school, knowing I would bump into her. Hopefully, I embarrassed her enough for her to not tell anyone of the events that took place the previous day in my room. The last thing I need in my life is being the hated "B word", and others actually knowing of it.

The bus started to sooth me, I have never been so in touch with my thoughts than the moment after Emily kissed me, and the only time my secret feelings could have interfered with every external aspect of my life. What if I do decide to embrace myself, and to be with Emily, I thought. I would be ecstatic, certainly, but would it be worth possibly being disowned by any or all of my loved ones? I imagined of the best and worst outcomes of the great decision that was ahead of me. Before weighing all of the possibilities out, the bus went to a stop, I have now arrived at the place where my choice would take place at. It will be decided by today, I promised.

I quickly navigated straight to the gymnasium, where Emily and I usually hangs out in the mornings, the room being crowded as usual, made it quite tough for me to find her. Catching a glance at a lengthy, thin figure with draping beautiful, wavy, dark hair, I knew it was her. My legs, several inches shorter than hers, made it harder for me to move towards her faster. Moving nearer to Emily, I noticed she was with someone else, a guy. Both of them also appeared to look pretty close with one another, and holding hands. Once again, the knives carved inside of me. How fast the girl moves on. Just last night she was whispering in my of how much she longed to be with me, how I made her feel, and now she's cuddling with a curly haired ginger kid with horrendous freckles and terrible acne. All of sweet-nothings she told me yesterday must have been lies.

The bell's ring indicated that first period would be in session in a couple of minutes. While heading down to my Biology class, which Emily and I shared, I heard her voice yelling after me.

"Christina, wait!"

I obeyed the call and stopped right in my tracks, though my heart was still very bitter and wanted to continue walking.

"What is it?" I said, crossing my arms, and trying to hold up the tone of my voice to sound the least bit sad.

"I caught you looking at me and Drew,"

"That's the ogre's name?" I grumbled.

Emily giggled and my response. "I was using him. You made me feel so horrible when you turned me down, so I tried to make you jealous in a way, to make you realize you want me, because I know you do."

I nodded in silence and said "You're right, Em, I do want you, more than anything actually."

A large smile grew across her face, making her even more pleasant to look at. "Is this official, Christy?" She asked.

All the thoughts and speculations of the negative aspects of being with Emily drifted away, in that metaphorical sea I longed for it to go. It's funny how jealous makes me realize important things my heart knows, but my conscious fights off. "Of course," I said.

Plenty of other students are surrounding us, and probably eaves dropping, but I could care less. I should have had this state of mind since the start, being who I really am, and being with the person I adored. Even though this wasn't nor the time or place, I was kissing her, and kissing her the way I always day-dreamed of while it was safe in my head, and to make up for the suffering I made her endure. This act will have backlash, I thought, but it's completely worth it. Anything for my Emily.

Okay so this story has a TON of potential. It's very close to my heart to hear a story like this because it is very uncommon and one of my closest friends is bisexual, so i found this very meaningful but i am going to make a good critique for you.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:This isn't what I want to be. This isn't how I want people to see myself. So many negative thoughts are swirling in my head while I'm trying to make sense of all of this.

Okay so with this little area, i can understand the first sentance being choppy but when reading it it doesnt quite flow well. Try re-reading it by speaking it allowed and see how it flows. It'll make a difference. Lovely first sentence though, very catching.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:
"No." I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth and avoiding the sight of her marvelous, hazel eyes, both growing wide as moons.

This one isnt that bad and i guess i could be a little nit-picky but you tend to use a lot of comma's and make sentences run on for awhile. This one could have bee shaped more like 'I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth. I tried to avoid the sight of her marvelous hazels eyes, both growing wide as moons, with all of my being' or something like that. makes it long and flowing but cuts down on the commas and such. Makes it more like your talking instead of getting through the paces.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:
I want to be with her, I really do, but I don't dare want to be different or a disappointment to anyone special in my life. Yet, I have become a disappointment to her; my best friend, the person is always there for me, and the person I am in love with.

I love the way you used the ; in there but the sentences before it sounded... well the yet could have just been a comma. I know you probably tried to split the sentence up with a period but it stills gives it a sense of run-on. Maybe you could use something like '...disappointment in my life. The sad truth was, was that i had become a disappointment to her; etc. ' it gives it more of a 'ouch my heart' feel to it.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:
The weight of the world, feeling compressed and heavy on top of me, clashed with the sheets of my bed, never feeling so comforting. I wish to lay here until all my worries wash away into the majestic, foamy sea, and when I can suddenly control my feelings and thoughts, and be normal.

I like the idea of the analogies and such, but it seems very... mismatched, like you were trying too hard to make connections. I'm confused on the sheets never feeling so comforting. Does that mean the weight of everything made her sleep and feel safe in her bed or made her restless and her bed not even a safe place for her to rest her worried mind? Also, i found the line with the majestic foamy sea kind of cliche and random. it didnt really fit the storyline whatsoever but i can see where your coming from when you write it.



Alright so now's my basic overview of the story. It has an interesting plotline but it feels extremely rushed. You get a little bit of the emotion across but mostly you just got through the paces and try to get the basic idea of it down without really getting into the turmoils that we want to feel when we read. Reading is an escape and running through the paces isnt easy to escape with. If you spent more time trying to connect the reader with the piece of literature im sure you'd have quite something going for you.

also the plotline is a little... shall we say cliched? Not that its bad or anything, i believe that every story in the end has some sort of cliche plotline but it is the writer themselves who makes the storyline believable. Like an artist uses paints to create a picture, we use words. Use yours carefully and wisely, tame them to your understanding, and they shall flow so easily onto paper. Use your words to create the picture the reader wishes to escape to and you'll do just fine with your writing abilities.

Theres also a few small grammatical mistakes, that re-reading again could fix up, but mostly you did a pretty good job and i did enjoy it. It's not everyday you get to read a story that hits pretty close to home yah no? Well keep writing and improving and in time you'll do great!

Okay so this story has a TON of potential. It's very close to my heart to hear a story like this because it is very uncommon and one of my closest friends is bisexual, so i found this very meaningful but i am going to make a good critique for you.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:This isn't what I want to be. This isn't how I want people to see myself. So many negative thoughts are swirling in my head while I'm trying to make sense of all of this.

Okay so with this little area, i can understand the first sentance being choppy but when reading it it doesnt quite flow well. Try re-reading it by speaking it allowed and see how it flows. It'll make a difference. Lovely first sentence though, very catching.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:
"No." I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth and avoiding the sight of her marvelous, hazel eyes, both growing wide as moons.

This one isnt that bad and i guess i could be a little nit-picky but you tend to use a lot of comma's and make sentences run on for awhile. This one could have bee shaped more like 'I lied, digging into my bottom lip with my front teeth. I tried to avoid the sight of her marvelous hazels eyes, both growing wide as moons, with all of my being' or something like that. makes it long and flowing but cuts down on the commas and such. Makes it more like your talking instead of getting through the paces.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:
I want to be with her, I really do, but I don't dare want to be different or a disappointment to anyone special in my life. Yet, I have become a disappointment to her; my best friend, the person is always there for me, and the person I am in love with.

I love the way you used the ; in there but the sentences before it sounded... well the yet could have just been a comma. I know you probably tried to split the sentence up with a period but it stills gives it a sense of run-on. Maybe you could use something like '...disappointment in my life. The sad truth was, was that i had become a disappointment to her; etc. ' it gives it more of a 'ouch my heart' feel to it.

KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:
The weight of the world, feeling compressed and heavy on top of me, clashed with the sheets of my bed, never feeling so comforting. I wish to lay here until all my worries wash away into the majestic, foamy sea, and when I can suddenly control my feelings and thoughts, and be normal.

I like the idea of the analogies and such, but it seems very... mismatched, like you were trying too hard to make connections. I'm confused on the sheets never feeling so comforting. Does that mean the weight of everything made her sleep and feel safe in her bed or made her restless and her bed not even a safe place for her to rest her worried mind? Also, i found the line with the majestic foamy sea kind of cliche and random. it didnt really fit the storyline whatsoever but i can see where your coming from when you write it.



Alright so now's my basic overview of the story. It has an interesting plotline but it feels extremely rushed. You get a little bit of the emotion across but mostly you just got through the paces and try to get the basic idea of it down without really getting into the turmoils that we want to feel when we read. Reading is an escape and running through the paces isnt easy to escape with. If you spent more time trying to connect the reader with the piece of literature im sure you'd have quite something going for you.

also the plotline is a little... shall we say cliched? Not that its bad or anything, i believe that every story in the end has some sort of cliche plotline but it is the writer themselves who makes the storyline believable. Like an artist uses paints to create a picture, we use words. Use yours carefully and wisely, tame them to your understanding, and they shall flow so easily onto paper. Use your words to create the picture the reader wishes to escape to and you'll do just fine with your writing abilities.

Theres also a few small grammatical mistakes, that re-reading again could fix up, but mostly you did a pretty good job and i did enjoy it. It's not everyday you get to read a story that hits pretty close to home yah no? Well keep writing and improving and in time you'll do great!

hey, this is definitely not a failed piece! i saw what u wrote on one of ur other stories, n that's not true! i loved it. u described the characters and their feelings pretty good and you put a spin on the best friend falls in luv with best friend plot.ive been thinking about doing something like this. anywayz, awesome job tho. great story.zzzzzzzz