I actually really enjoy this!
The goodness comes from the simple (yet complex) lines. No need to feel confused about something like this if you've never done it before, which by the way, is an excellent first try! =)
I remember the first time that I tried to write a "story poem", it was actually really confusing and frustrating... things that bothered me like "how can i make this a good read without making it sound really awkward?"
The more you write, the easier it will become, especially with things like story poems.
Also, for your first attempt, your poem is pretty intense! Were you perhaps not in a great mood that day?
Or did you bear some hatred for someone??
Anyhow this was a great poem.
Things i suggest you to improve on would be try to stretch the stanzas, make them longer, that way you can include more information. But i do realize the effect of short and to the point in this poem. It's just something to think about next time.
If you really want a challenge, try to make the stanzas rhyme, while keeping it in meter. It sounds harder than it is, trust me. But it's definitely a great way to boost your poem writing abilities.
As for me, i only write poems that rhyme, i don't know why, it becomes a habit.
Also, if you've read any of my poems, they are more lyrically based, more made for songs than poetry.
Lastly, I hope this helped =)
Don't ever be afraid to try new kinds of poetry.
Even I have fears,
so don't easily shed those tears,
because every smile brings a success that's near,
every loud cheer will be the strength you hear,
and the truth that's hidden will become crystal clear.
May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death. — An Unknown Bride, Leap Year
