Time is a river,
Constantly on the move.
Turning and gushing,
Surging and rushing.
Time is a wheel,
No beginning, no end.
Turning and spinning,
From end to beginning.
Time is a flame,
Unpredictable at best.
Flashing and hissing,
Can’t stop for reminiscing.
Time is what it wants to be,
You can never tell.
Just go along with the flow,
What comes next, you’ll never know.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow.
Never coming
But always near.
I look in the sky-
See nothing but gold.
Joy and happiness,
And death and sorrow:
Existing together
In one world.
Everything changes
Yet remains the same.
The sun disappears .
Stars creep into the sky.
The moon rises.
The sky is black.
The end of today:
The coming of tomorrow.
Yet tomorrow
Never comes.
Carved in Stone
Their names stand,
Carved in stone.
Those who died
For our freedom.
Their sacrifices;
For our lives.
Remembered
As warriors
And as heroes.
Their deaths
Were in honor,
And we grieve.
They died
To free us
From torture,
From slavery.
Their names are
Carved in stone.
A reminder,
Of whom we should thank
For our freedom.
And as life goes on,
Their names shall stand;
Carved in stone
For all eternity.
This is what I wrote a year or two ago. I dug up the poem 'Tomorrow' recently. I've gotten a critique for Carved in Stone, nothing for Time so far. But Tomorrow is really the only one unchanged. I just added a bit of punctuation. I'm not entirely sure with that, but oh well. Criticism (especially constructive) greatly appreciated.
Just one question: Do you think I should add line breaks in Carved in Stone?
There once was a cat. He wasn’t particularly fat. Fuzzy was his favorite mat. And really, that was that.
Oh, but did you really think so? Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show! And as for how far this tale will go… Well, even the cat doesn’t know.
Time is a river,
Constantly on the move.
Turning and gushing,
Surging and rushing. I like how only the last two lines rhyme. Let's see if you can keep that up.
Time is a wheel,
No beginning, no end.
Turning and spinning,
From end to beginning. I like this so far! Especially how, instead of beginning to end, you start with the end and end at beginning. Even though you probably just did that for the rhyme, the effect is nice also.
Time is a flame,
Unpredictable at best.
Flashing and hissing,
Can’t stop for reminiscing. This last line has one too many syllables, I believe. If you take out the 'for' it would work, but that would be a different definition now, wouldn't it?
Time is what it wants to be, Very true. You can never tell.
Just go along with the flow,
What comes next, you’ll never know.
These last too lines seem childish. The whole 'go with the flow' thing gives off hippie vibes. I don't know. But consider changing them for a stronger finish.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow.
Never coming
But always near. Maybe add something like, 'Always just out of reach' or something of the sort?
I look in the sky-
See nothing but gold.
Joy and happiness,
And death and sorrow:
Existing together
In one world. What does this have to do with tomorrow?
Everything changes
Yet remains the same.
The sun disappears .
Stars creep into the sky.
The moon rises.
The sky is black.
The end of today:
The coming of tomorrow.
Yet tomorrow
Never comes.
I like this concept, especially the last two lines. But, in the middle, you start rambling on about stuff irrelevant to the subject 'tomorrow'. Black skies, joys and happiness; it's all very nice, but it has nothing to do with your title or topic. Just think about that.
Carved in Stone
Their names stand,
Carved in stone.
Those who died
For our freedom.
Their sacrifices;
For our lives.
Remembered
As warriors
And as heroes.
Their deaths
Were in honor,
And we grieve.
They died
To free us
From torture,
From slavery.
Their names are
Carved in stone.
A reminder,
Of whom we should thank
For our freedom.
And as life goes on,
Their names shall stand;
Carved in stone
For all eternity.
[b]I think, and I know this would be a big edit, that you should connect the lines to make it about half as long. Like, connect one and two to make one longer line, and so forth. The choppiness is distracting, and I think you'd benefit from more of a flow instead of this cut-off. It would pack more emotion too, I think. Just consider?
So, my favorite out of all of these was Time, the first one. I hope this was helpful! Good job!
~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
