Just What I need.

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What can I improve on?

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One.
Hot, humid, summer air seeped through my window as I awoke from a busy day’s sleep. I forgot to shut the window, again. Thankfully I slept with my door closed so my mother didn’t notice, yet. Climbing out of bed, I noticed I had thrown my covers off and was sweating. I shut the window and changed into some fresh clothes and emerged from my bedroom. The cool, conditioned air smacked me in the face as I stepped into the kitchen, and then I saw it.
A large, angry, black horse stepped into my vision, and instead of my kitchen, I saw an open field. Then there was a boy about my age, he stepped out of the forest that was probably 20 yards off, and smiled at me. He then looked at the horse and whistled, it ran to him, and then they were gone.
I nearly fell over, vertigo swirled in my head and it throbbed as if I had been kicked by the horse that I saw. Mom’s hand fell on my shoulder.
“You okay?” she said softly and then I came back to reality and realized I was hunched over the counter with my head hanging down between the palms of my hands. I was tense, my shoulders so tightly bunched up it took effort for me to look relaxed again.
“Yeah, just another…migraine.” I said in my confused state and rubbed my eyes. Mom took my hair down, it helped the pain a little bit, but not much. She handed me some Tylenol, and shrugged when I looked at her like she was crazy.
“Veda’s coming home.” She stated as she started to get two bowls down from the cabinets. I quickly swallowed the two pills I had and sat down at the table.
“When?”
“Tuesday.” This is how conversations usually go with my mother and I, my sister Veda is failing her first semester of college, and Dad is never home anymore. Mom brought me a bowl of Cheerios and sat down across from me.
“Thanks.” I said and swirled the cereal around unconsciously. “What are you doing today?”
“Going out with Sarah to Christmas shop.” Her chewing was probably not as loud as it felt, but it was driving me up the wall.
“Have fun.” I said half-heartedly and went back to eating my cereal in silence. She sat her spoon down suddenly.
“You know Lesley you could be a little more involved with your family every now and then.” she snapped.
“So could you.” I said quietly.
“Well then.” She left the table and poured her cheerios down the sink. Great. I heard voices in my parent’s bedroom, arguing definitely. A strange man then stumbled out of the room and I nearly choked on my spoon.
“Who the hell are you?!” I yelled, startled. He didn’t answer, just grumbled something, and slammed the front door on his way out. I was utterly fuming, but I wasn’t going to confront her about it. My stupid mother, when will she learn that she should just go ahead and divorce dad. The last thing I heard were squealing tires, but I swear it was a horse at first. I shook my head and put my bowl in the sink and traveled back to my room. My phone was vibrating, somewhere. As I was looking for it, my mother came in.
“I’m guessing you want an explanation.” she said meekly.
“No, not really Mom, I think I get the idea.” I said, and I found my phone in the pocket of my jeans from last night. She walked off, and I could hear her crying in the living room. 6 missed calls, all from Kaihl, no doubt. She had been bugging me about what happened last night since I got home and texted her saying I had just been with a guy for the last 5 hours. I crashed after that. I hit the ‘call’ button on the keypad and shut my door. The ringing echoed in my ears, and then she answered.
“So tell me all about it, who was it, was he a good kisser, EVERYTHING.” My oh so girly best friend really was in for a disappointment.
“It was Tim, my neighbor.” My other best friend.
“Oh geez, Les! You got me all excited for nothing!” yep, disappointed indeed.
“Not exactly nothing, we went out in the woods out behind my house and found this really cool clearing, it was beautiful.” and so was he, I thought. I had known Tim for about two years, since we moved to Arkansas. Although Kaihl is and will always remain my best friend, we haven’t seen each other since the Wisconsin days. Tim has been there for me since day one, and he’s the only one I tell about my family here.
“Did you guys like just talk?”
“Yeah, but he did grab my hand on the way back home.” I blushed thinking about it.
“See, I knew you two would end up together.” she giggled.
“Not technically together yet, Kaihls, don’t get too excited.” I calmed her, I didn’t want her getting her hopes up as high as mine were.
“Okayy, whatever you say. Well I have to go, Tiffany wants breakfast. I love you girl! Bye!”
“Bye.” I spoke to the dead line. I got up and put real clothes on and brushed out my hair. I took the back door out to go see Tim. Walking across the lawn barefooted, I pondered the thing I saw this morning, maybe it was a sign…I don’t know. It made me dizzy to walk. Tim was out of the door before I even knocked and nearly knocked me over.
“How did you know I was out here?” I asked, a little baffled and rubbed my head.
“I didn’t.” he said and smiled. “I was just heading out to feed the dogs, c’mon, you can help.” I let out a fake groan of disappointment and followed him out to the dog pen. It was hot outside.
“Did you sleep at all last night?” I asked, referring to how he had circles under his eyes and that he was still wearing the same clothes as last night.
“Nope. I couldn’t.” He said and I could tell he was smiling even though he wasn’t facing me.
“That’s the difference between you and I. I crashed.” I took the dog food he handed me and poured it into his large german shepherd, Flash’s, bowl. He laughed, and we waited for all five of the dogs to finish eating so we could let them out. I leaned against the fence and closed my eyes. A few seconds later Tim cleared his throat, he sounded closer to me than before. I looked at him, yep, closer.
“What?” I asked. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it and looked down as if to re-think it. His shaggy black hair was only about three inches long, but it was enough to cover his eyes from my vision as he thought.
“Did I, um,” he paused, and put his hand on the back of his neck and looked at me with an expression of confusion and deep thought on his face “freak you out last night?” he kind of shrank back and if I hadn’t been looking at him, I wouldn’t have noticed how he blushed when he mentioned last night. I paused, shocked, I really wasn’t expecting that. He’s not the kind of guy to talk about awkward things. I took a deep breath, and looked back up at him.
“No, I just wasn’t really expecting it…but no, it didn’t freak me out at all.” I could feel the blood burning in my cheeks and cursed myself in my head for being so prone to blushing. I forced a smile through my embarassment, and shrugged. Tim let out a nervous chuckle, and I could tell he was thinking about asking something else. “What is it?” I said after about a minute of listening to the dogs chewing.
“Well, um, I’m just kind of confused…I mean…Where do we go from here?” he said and looked at me desperately for some sort of answer to this question we’d both been asking ourselves. I looked down, not sure what to say. After thinking awhile, I looked at him to find the same dumbfounded expression on his face as before. “What?” he asked after I didn’t avert my eyes for a few seconds.
I laughed a little, “Well I was hoping you had an idea. I’ve got one but it really just depends on where we want to go from here.” I tangled my fingers together behind my back, hoping he would understand what I was saying. I heard two hesitant footsteps come toward me, and then I was in his comforting embrace again.
“I get your drift.” he said and held me tight. I wrapped my arms around him and leaned my head on his chest.
“So, it’s official now?” I asked timidly.
“No, not yet.” He chuckled and paused “Will you be my girlfriend, Les?” I felt the blood rush to my cheeks and the butterflies attack my stomach, I’d been waiting a long time for this. I opened my mouth, but instead of words coming out, all I could do was smile.
I forced my mouth to function and whispered the word “Yes.” Tim hugged me a little tighter and then let go. I saw him grin and then he started letting the dogs out. Tootsie, the little dachsund came to my feet and wagged her tail eagerly. I picked her up and walked out of the dog pen with her. She had always liked me.
Last edited by forgiving.is.easy on Tue Jan 27, 2009 7:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I will forgive you, but it's gonna take some time to forget"
-forgiving.is.easy




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So first the feedback. Take it with a grain of salt.

First, In general you're not really supposed to preface stuff.

Try not to preface poetry or fiction. If you have to explain to your critics what the piece is about, you are not doing your job as a writer.
taken from: submissions.php

The preface seems random, but I'm guessing you're going to continue with the story...?

Now for other feedback:

a busy day’s sleep


that part doesn't really make sense, she just woke up, how do you wake up from a day of sleep?

Mom took my hair down, it helped the pain a little bit, but not much.


No nitpick here, I just thought this was a nice little gesture between her and her mom. :)

“Thanks.” I said and swirled the cereal around unconsciously. “What are you doing today?”


I think here you mean another word instead of unconsciously, I’m drawing a serious blank as to what word I was going to suggest, but if she was unconscious at the table then she wouldn’t be eating cereal.


I was utterly fuming, but I wasn’t going to confront her about it.


It seems more likely that she would immediately demand answers, if some strange man just wondered through her house, chances are she wouldn’t just turn around and drop it. Other then just 'fuming' how does she feel? Her mom just...did the dirty laundry...with some guy, while Lesley was home, while her mom was married. Basically, she just found out her mom is having an affair. What's she thinking when this guy just waltzes through her house? Does it scare her about what's going to happen when her dad finds out? Is she angry at that invasion of space, of some stranger in her house? Is she mad at her mom?

I found my phone in the pocket of my jeans from last night.


She keeps her pants in the kitchen? O_o, I know that’s probably not the case, but unless you narrate it and tell your reader that she’s walking through the house, looking between the couch cushions for her phone or kicking around the clothes on her bedroom floor, your reader isn’t going to know that. Set the scene.

I had just been with a guy for the last 5 hours. I crashed after that.


First write out the number five.

Second, you might want to re-phrase that. One second she's mad because her mom had a slumber-party, and then we find out that Lesley was out for five hours, then came home and crashed? It doesn’t exactly sound tame, it sounds like she went on some sort of drinking binge and passed out on her front steps, or something of that nature. If that’s what your going for then keep it, but saying she was out for five hours with no mention of what they were doing…. Sounds like mother like daughter.

Okayy


Did you mean to put two y’s? it looks like its there for emphasis, so I’d stick one more on the end if I was you so it looks less more like a typo.

Tim was out of the door before I even knocked and nearly knocked me over.


Two seconds ago he was already outside. Also having knocked twice is a little repetitive.


“Nope. I couldn’t.” He said and I could tell he was smiling even though he wasn’t facing me.
“That’s the difference between you and I. I crashed.”


Same clothes from the night before, not sleeping all night, call me crazy but now I’m really not getting the vibe that they went for a walk.


I picked her up and walked out of the dog pen with her. She had always liked me.


Seems random, ending it with the dog instead of with them ‘going out’. Kind of kills the mojo of the moment.

Overall it's an interesting idea, and you're a good writer. :). Is she crazy? Or does she have some sort of psychic powers? You've got a good set up for potential sub-plots. I think you should add more description, more showing and less telling. Show don't tell, is like the golden rule. (or it's in the top five) By showing I mean more imagery, more sensory stuff. You don't add any detail to tell us what her house looks like, or how the other characters look. How does her mom look, sitting in the kitchen? Physical descriptions and body language can speak volumes about people. IE "My mom stirred her coffee, shoulders hunched as if she was too tired to sit upright. Her green eyes were glazed-over focusing on something distant." Right there her mom looks like a depressed mess, but you could obviously do anything you wanted. Also, you might want to build up the relationship up before Lesley and Tim go out, if they have been best friends for so long what suddenly made them go out? What type of friendship do they have?




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Niceee...haha i know a Tim..he's shorttt so I kept on imagaining a shortt guy, which made me laugh a lottt. rofl..i'm so randommm...




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I thought it was really good and interesting. You're a good writer and you use good descriptive words. It's much better then anything I could do. Good job and keep it up. I guess you could elaborate a bit more on why she saw that stuff. :)
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."



Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton