In the "big blue"

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Hey, this isn't the beginning of some series or anything. I just felt like writing this little piece, based on a dream I had, because I wanted to. So, judge it as you want. If it's bad, please notify me and help me with the things you think it needs work on. Thanks! Oh, and reviews are much welcome (I'm giving out points to who ever replies, depending on the length. Don't take as bribery, take it as a motivation!)





My love,

I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams. You were there too.
Where your life ended was were the dream began, in the middle of the “big blue”. I dreamed of how our relationship developed. It was like a metaphor.
I was drowning, just like you did some years ago. I couldn’t swim to the surface; something was holding me back. I looked to my left side, and, my darling, you were there. In all your greatness, you were there! Your green eyes stared at me, piercing through my heart. I knew it was a dream when you talked clearly. Under water, the sound always comes disturbed. I understood every word that came out of your desirable lips. Your hand was wrapped around my arm. You were the one holding me back. I heard the words: “A kiss for air”. I still hesitated. It was dream, for God’s sake! I could not get my hopes up for only a dream! But my lungs despaired for the so longing pure air. A quick kiss and you let my arm go. I swam frenetically until I felt the fresh air again. The salty water burned my throat.
I saw you once more, next to me, breathing too. I closed my eyes; the emotions were too strong. It took you a second to disappear under the water. The flash back of the accident four years ago came and pushed its way into my mind. You disappeared again. The same kind of panic came over me. How many times have I dreamt of that horrible night? How many times have I cried myself to sleep, knowing the kind of dreams that were coming?
Suddenly, something pulled me back down. You asked the same question. That kiss was stronger; it took more time, more breath away. To hell with my broken heart! I just wanted to feel you. I missed you too much. I hesitated, but still swam up to the surface, leaving you behind.
I inhaled the air, touching my lips softly. Your warmth still lingered, but your lips were marked on my soul, for eternity. You were by my beside again, needing air too.
You did not have to pull me anymore. Your hand touched my leg, as for asking for permission. I swam into the water again. My eyes were locked in yours. There was no need for any words. I approximated slowly; our eyes still chained to each other. I kissed you in my own initiative. That kissed lasted for what seemed like hours. Air was missing again. We stepped away from each other and swam up again. After a few seconds of air, you were already waiting for me. No sign was needed. I dived in because I wanted to. Under water was more private, more unrealistic. Just the two of us and the “big blue”. We kissed again. Your lips moving softly around mine. The passion increased. It was too strong. Air was missing again. This time we did not separate.
I died with you, my ultimate wish. It was my first thought, when I woke up. Tears rolled down my face, while I screamed in frustration.
Dear love, I know it’s pointless to write to someone who died since you won't be able to answer, but it keeps you close to me. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Please, wait for me.
Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:44 am, edited 3 times in total.
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Hello!
I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams. My love, you were there too.

I don't know. This sentence seems a little off. Maybe say something like, "I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams and in this dream, your were there too." I'd cut out "my love" because it's repetitive.
We were where your life ended[s];[/s], in the middle of the “big blue”

I couldn’t swim to the surface[s];[/s], something was holding me back.

You seem to add semi-colons to seperate ideas when you should only use commas. Semi-colons work in a compound sentence. Compound sentences are usually composed of words like and, but, yet, nor, etc. In the sentences that you use semi-colons in, these are complex snetences. For instance, "I couldn't swim to the surface, and something was holding me back." It doesn't make sense with "and", "but", or "nor" in it, so it can't be a compound sentence. Which means that you can't use a semi-colon.
Your green eyes stared at me, piercing [s]trough[/s]through my heart.

Your hand was wrapped around my arm.

I closed my eyes[s];[/s], the emotions were too strong.

The flash back of the accident 4 years ago came [s]like[/s]and pushed [s]pushing[/s] its way into my mind.

You disappeared again, just like in that [s]day[/s]dream.

How many times have I [s]dreamed of[/s]dreamt that horrible night?

Your warmth still lingered, but your lips were marked on my soul, [s]probably[/s], to eternity.

I would get rid of probably because, to me, it just ruins this sentence.
That kissed lasted for what [s]it[/s] seemed like hours.


Overall:
This was depressing, but also good. You did a nice job explaining how she was attached to him and why they were there. But, I'd also like to see more characterization. I don't know anything about these characters, and I know you don't want to do a series or something of that sort, but to make this piece better, you should just describe the characters. Not too many grammatical errors, which is good. Just make sure to profreed your work.

I really liked this piece. You should consider stretching it out into a series or a book. :)
-Lindsey
"Next year I'll be transferred to Pigfarts."
<3




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I dreamed.

this seems uneeded and a bit awkward I would try getting rid of it.

I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams. My love, you were there too.

I know this is suppose to be a love letter of sorts, but it still needs to draw the reader in. By thids point it seems almost boring.

We were where your life ended

this is hard to read. Took me 3 times before I could understand it. You could try "Where your life ended is where it all began" Or some thing like that

; in the middle of the “big blue”.

I love the mysteriousness (Ahah is that a word)

It was like a metaphor

How so?
.
Your green eyes stared at me, piercing through my heart.

You have many spelling mistakes that are distracting from your letter. I'll point them out, but I may not catch all of them.

Your hand was wrapped around arm.

Are you missing a word in there somewhere? Because if you aren't then that makes no sense :)

But my lungs despaired for the so longing pure air.

Ok So I'm a never put the words but, and or because in the beginning of a sentence Nazi. In this cause it's not needed.

I swam frenetically until I felt the fresh air again.

Spelling mistake this time I don't know how to spell this word... A dictionary would be of some use :)

The flash back of the accident 4 years ago came like pushing its way into my mind.

You seem to be missing a few words here also. Maybe at me should go inbetween the words came and like

You disappeared again, just like in that day.

The second part of this sentence needs to be reworded. Its uneasy to read and a bit awkward.

How many times have I dreamed of that horrible night? How many times have I cried myself to sleep, knowing the kind of dreams that were coming? [s]Innumerable times.[/s]

The questions being asked to the reader sort of imply that you have dreamt of this before many times so the last sentence in the quotation isn't needed.

Your warmth still lingered, but your lips were marked on my soul, probably, to eternity.

Misspelling

You did not have to pull me anymore.


as for asking for permission. I dived into the water.

Needs to be reworded so its easier to read

I approximated slowly

Approximated doesn't seem to fit here, maybe you should try approached

That kissed lasted for what it seemed hours.

This seemes to be hard to read, and would fit better reworded.

Air was missing again.

This seems to be a hard thing to follow, can you elaborate on this

I dived because I wanted to.

You never want to leave the reader questioning so always be a bit obviously. myabe you could put I dived in, or some thing like that.

Tears rolled down my face, while I screamed in frustration.

I love the description here, there isn't much of that in your letter

Dear my love

With out the my it sounds a heck of a lot better

, I know it’s stupid to write to someone who died,

Says who? This needs more elaboration

Please, wait for me.

Awesome ending! :)

OverAll:

I loved the concept! You seem to rush through alot of things, and we as readers miss out on the great descriptions, and such that could be put in. There were a few grammatical errors that were haphazardly put in place; easily fixable.
If you have any more questions please feel free to PM me

~Tiff

p.s awesome job :) :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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*writewatiwant* wrote:Your green eyes stared at me, piercing through my heart.




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Hey *writewatiwant*!
I'm here to return the favour, for all your reviews :D

I shall skip the nitpicking, as the mistakes I could find have already been pointed out.

Interesting.
What a morbid dream...or nightmare, it must have been.
The tone of the MC: 3Ds.
Dreamy, dreary, depressing.
Such despair D:
But in this story, it plays out well.
Brilliant & Touching.
You can sense and feel her longing and desolation.
I could picture everything in my head.
Good ending!

My overall verdict: 7.5/10.
:D
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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*writewatiwant* wrote:
My love,

I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams. You were there too.

Where your life ended was were the dream began, in the middle of the “big blue”. I dreamed of how our relationship developed. It was like a metaphor. 'It began where your life ended, in the middle of the "big blue". We already know it's a dream, so you don't have to repeat 'dream'.

I was drowning, just like you did some years ago. I couldn’t swim to the surface, (semi-colon here, not comma) something was holding me back. I looked to my left side, and, my darling, you were there. In all your greatness, you were there! The repitition here is actually nice, I think. Your green eyes stared at me, piercing through my heart. I knew it was a dream when you talked clearly. Under water, the sound always comes disturbed. I understood every word that came out of your desirable lips. Under the water, sounds always come disturbed, but I understood every word from your desireable lips'. Your hand was wrapped around my arm. You were the one holding me back. I heard the words: “A kiss for air”. I still hesitated. It was dream, for God’s sake! I could not get my hopes up for only a dream! But my lungs despaired for the so longing pure air. The 'so longing pure air'? This doesn't make sense. What do you mean by this? A quick kiss and you let my arm go. I swam frenetically until I felt the fresh air again. The salty water burned my throat.


So, the description here is nice, but I had to reread the whole paragraph a couple times to really get what's going on. Is there any way for you to make it clearer what's going on? In the dream, he's trying to kiss her. But why is that a problem?[/quote]

I saw you, (no comma needed here) once more, next to me, breathing too. I closed my eyes, (semi-colon) the emotions were too strong. It took you a second to disappear under the water. The flash-back of the accident 4 (Eek! Spell with out 'four'!) years ago came and pushed its way into my mind. You disappeared again. The same kind of panic came over me. How many times have I dreamet (dreamt) of that horrible night? How many times have I cried myself to sleep, knowing the kind of dreams that were coming?


This isn't clear either. What is she saying is happening? She's remembering the time he died? Is she remembering in real life, or does she relive it through her dream. Has the dream even ended yet?

Suddenly, something pulled me back down. The same bargain happened again. (Bargain? What bargain? Being pulled down is hardly a bargain. That kiss was stronger; it took more time, more breath away. To hell with my broken heart! I just wanted to feel you. I missed you too much. I hesitated, but still swam up to the surface, leaving you behind.


Why would she leave him after just convincing herself 'to hell with her broken heart'? She would be kissing him even more fiercely, loving him more than she ever would have allowed herself before. Explain her thought process behind swimming back to the surface.

I inhaled the air, touching my lips softly. Your warmth still lingered, but your lips were marked on my soul, to eternity. For eternity, I think.

You did not have to pull me anymore. Your hand touched my leg, as for asking for permission. I swam into the water again. My eyes were locked in yours. There was no need for any words. I approximated slowly; our eyes still chained to each other. I kissed you in my own initiative. That kissed lasted for what seemed like hours. Air was missing again. We stepped away from each other and swam up again. After a few seconds of air, you were already waiting for me. No sign was needed. I dived in because I wanted to. Under water was more private, more unrealistic. Just the two of us and the “big blue”. We kissed again. Your lips moving softly around mine. The passion increased. It was too strong. Air was missing again. This time we did not separate.


So, here is a nice passionate love scene that makes more sense. Did he follow her back to the surface when she swam away? Tell us that, if he did.

I died with you. My ultimate wish. To had died with you. Make these one sentence. 'I died with you, my ultimate wish. Then cut out the repetition. It was my first thought, when I woke up. Tears rolled down my face, no comma while I screamed in frustration.
Dear love, I know it’s stupid (How about something besides stupid. Pointless? Silly? Naive? Wishful thinking?) to write to someone who died since you won't be able to answer, but it keeps you close to me. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Please, wait for me.

Love,
Johanna.


I liked this, and the thought put behind it. It's a new take at love and death, and the way you hint at her joining him towards the end is nice and subtle while remaining effective.

My suggestions: make your sentences longer, every here or there. Almost all of them are short and choppy, with little 'ands' or commas to connect thoughts. Lengthening a couple sentences would help it to flow more love-like, and the romance would heighten by making it smoother.

Also, Don't sign it. It doesn't give the impression of a letter, and the 'Johanna' part is completely unnecessary. We don't need to know her name, and it's just distracting to get it as a letter. It's better without the closing signature, I promise. So, please, delete it.

Good luck with editing, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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oh. wow.
writewatiwant, you are soooooo talented!!
seriously, I can't think of anything really to point out critique worthy that the others haven't already.

but your piece totally left me wanting more! good job! It was so sad!
I love stuff like this :D

I hope this encourages you to keep writing, for our benefit, if not yours :wink:

haha 9/10 (that means gold star )

XoXo~AsH
Alone- alone- all- all- alone
Upon the wide, wide sea-
And God will not take pity on
My soul in agony!
- Mary Shelley




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This was really touching. I mean, honestly, there are so many thingsI want to list that I'm going to do point form :)

-It was romantic and passionate with the right hint of fantasy.
-It was sad and touching
-It was an interesting change in writing
-It had a few mistakes, but the people before me just about covered it
-I loved it :)


Keep writing :).




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Hello there, Hun ! :D
I just wanted to read something of yours. Since you reviewed my work,
I'd be more than happy to return the favor.

There were some parts in the 'big blue that confused me.
How they were either downing, or coming up for air, or kissing, just mixed me up in some parts.
That must've been an exceptional dream, if it made you want others
to experience what you saw.
You made some of the pictures very clear; like the boys eyes,
and also the salty water burning her thorat.
But a few questions.
How were they drowning? or dying? How did they know eachother?
What was the nightmare that came to her mind while she was in the water?
If you explained some of those reaons, then it would make it much eaiser to read
and mentally picture.

Overall, It was great ! Big round of aplause ! :smt041
You could really excel in writing if you kept at it.
I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories !
:smt081



We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead