Sin

I wrote these lyrics awhile back and was planning on making it into a song
feedback must appreciated.


Verse 1__
In these desolate streets
I find myself creeping..
creeping toward another of my victims.
Praying on the weak
I keep to the shadows
Stalking and waiting
for another to meet their fate
I lay low in anticipation
to strike down those not strong.

Chorus__ (repeat)
Desolation
Isolation
Redemption
Now it's time to rewind.

Verse 2__
These streets are painted
red with blood from my hands
oh my god what have I done
the many innocent lives I've taken
How can I make this right

Chorus__
With my hands
I tried to make it right
But how could I fix a stolen life
hoping it's going to be alright
There's only one choice left

Verse 3__
I cannot allow this demon to live
I realize now the only way to make it right
Is to end it all tonight
now all is done with this noose so tight

Oh wow. Umm... erm... heheheh, uhhh. *Deep breath.*
Don't kill me for saying this but this song was very morbid.
It did however flow very well. I don't know... maybe My Chemical Romance could sing it! Hey my brother could...
*Get's brother*

Brother: What do you want?!

Me: Read this.

Brother: I'm busy okay, don't bother me.

Alright then...

I do think that your word choice was pretty superb. Although it is a bit dark and quite violent. It's about a murderer suffering from the ultimate curse, regret. I would say I liked it but that wouldn't really be what I was trying to say. I fullheartedly respect this set of lyrics. It has a good plot and a nice style.

Peace, Love and apprehensive Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

I guess this is Heeavy Metal (Yay). If it is not Metal then it's propobly rap. I liked the words and the emotions but it was too short for me. Any ways you get a star.

Is it rap? It doesn't seem like rap. Rap would have a more consistent rhyme scheme and a more selective syllable pattern. If it's anything than it should be either heavy metal, emo, or rock. Just my opinion though.

Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

hehe thank you well it is a dark song yes it is metal. I didn't particularly have emotions toward it at first it was just something to write. very dark indeed, I like rap but I don't try to write songs that flow with rap beats. Well thank you all for the input I actually started to make a song with the lyrics. I just wanted some opinions on how it sounded and was conveyed.

I like the morbidity. It's not overly done so it's good. I liked the bit of internal struggle in the verses, you should expand on it.

Vamp_Dollie wrote:I like the morbidity. It's not overly done so it's good. I liked the bit of internal struggle in the verses, you should expand on it.

thank you, I was really going for that inner mind battle between the good and evil and him recognizing he was evil. It is a little morbid =P I tried to make sure I did not over do it how a lot of bands would have over done the lyrics. I appreciate the feedback and am going to make it longer add more to it. Thanks again =]

Kinda evil and morbid, but hey I quite like the evil and morbid. It flows really well and I love the choice of words you've used. Basically it was very well written! Do you still plan on continuing it as a song? P.S thanks for reviewing my entry

Good job. It shows a scary theme, yet the scariest thing is not the murderer. The only problems that I found were that it was pretty short, and seemed a bit out of order. But still a great song.

wow. This is a very dark and kind of depressing song.
although I believe you should write what is good for you this would be not be very commercial. I am not one of those people that only thinks something is worth writing but it is just something to take into account.
You are from the point of view of a killer. Going from the point of view of a morally corrupt person can be a blessing or a curse. You pulled it of OK but it could be better. The person seems very cold.
Also the chores are all different

Vera