Especially when you’ve got our dad, who take perfectionism and OCD to new levels.
“Thanks, Miss. Priss.” I said throwing a piece of popcorn at her. She threw back a smile, she had three sisters, she couldn’t really help it.
“Erica, honey,” She called “could you go ask the boys what they want on their pizza?”
“Uumm…I-I” I stuttered like an idiot.
I blinked again, yep, my contacts were working.
“Hey Erica.” Adam said, as if maybe we were just passing in the hallway at school, as if I hadn’t just seen him sucking face with my big brother.
He always so polite,
That, was when I took off.
“Fucking shut up, Erica! Listen to me!” He growled.
This was not my brother. My brother who played violent video games but wrote papers on Gandhi, Mr. Non-violence himself.
“You’re hurting me.” I said, and my voice cracked.
“What’s going on up there? Erica?” my Dad yelled. My brother let go of me.
“I couldn’t resist.” Adam said sounding both sarcastic and angry.
“We, could have told her!” Adam echoed.
Also, I'm having a hard time thinking of a title, so any ideas as to a title are appreciated.
Carter's Secret
sometimes taking a line from the story works as a title... not saying that using the character's name and the word secret doesn't sum up the story well enough, but it's not quite as enticing.
I mean, really I always knock. add another comma after really I guess I always sort of knew. My brother had never been like other boys I knew. He didn’t joke about female actresses, or stare at girls at the pool. this could use some rewording, like boys; joking about actresses (adding female is redundant) or oogling girls at the pool.
Especially in my house, where appearances are everything. Especially, when nothing is more important than those stupid hallmark greeting cards mom sends out every Christmas. Especially when you’ve got our dad, who take perfectionism and OCD to new levels. Especially gets a little repetitive here, unless you're using it to really drive home the point. Also, Hallmark should be capitalized, as it's a proper noun (brand name).
When you’re your older your, not you're
awesome, four teenagers, and a house to themselves, and up until I blew it, privacy. I'd use a colon instead of a comma after awesome
My best friend Kate and me would blow up air mattresses and sleep on the theater floor. comma after friend and Kate. I instead of me (I think).
Carter who was just a bit of a technology geek, who’d rigged a movie projector to play his DVD’S on his bedroom wall. if you leave the first who in, put a comma after Carter, then take out the who'd after geek.
to feed the beast of a car my brother had got for his 18th birthday. here's a good place to describe the car, and if he got to pick it, that would add to his character
“I love Jodi Foster!” she gushed “We have to watch this, you can have next pick, ok?” she said, already popping the DVD in. “And grab that bottle of top coat, your nails suck.” period after gushed if you are using capital for we, or a comma then lowercase. Replace the comma after this with a semicolon.
“Thanks, Miss. Priss.” I said throwing a piece of popcorn at her. She threw back a smile, she had three sisters, she couldn’t really help it. no period after Miss, and comma after said. The comma after smile should be a semicolon.
“Erica, honey,” She called “could..." comma after called Mom had been in a touchy mood all day. Nagging me endlessly about cleaning my room, or walking the dog, or leaving my ipod in the dinning room. the period after day could be a comma, then lowercase n on nagging. Also change ipod to iPod and dining room has one n.
thinking about how Kate and I should get mushroom with ham and diet Pepsi, and threw open my brother’s door. awkward wording, try reading it aloud and rephrasing
“Guys what ... wrong. ...each other face. comma after guys, I'd use a different word than wrong, maybe mistaken or hallucinating, imagining it and it should be each others' faces I think.
“Hey Erica.” ... Carters other friends... That, was when I took off. comma after hey, Carter's and no comma after That.
“Erica, Sssh! ...“Seriously, Carter what... lowercase s, and comma after Carter
my brother. My brother who played violent video games but period could be a comma, and comma before but
pin a scarlet letter on your chest? R for retarded?” The Scarlet Letter was for adultery- granted homosexuality is also considered a sin by the same folks who consider adultery to be one, but R for retarded is demeaning. G for gay would even be insulting, H might work, but think it out.
probably, trying to listen in. delete the comma and the word in
Once the shock of seeing my brother kissing anyone, (let alone Adam) was gone, I realized I’d really always known. I just never really thought about it, because to me it just didn’t matter. Carter was my brother, and Adam was a nice guy. in this part the sentiment is excellent
“You, you could ellipsis (...) would work better here to indicate a longer pause.
“We, could... “He’d kick me out, I’d have no money, I know he’d take my car, the rest of my family probably wouldn’t talk to me either.” this is a long run-on, which may reflect the actual speech pattern but you could take out 'I know he'd take my' and say no car to make it more parallel and shorter.
“You could have knocked.” Adam said sarcastically scolding me, “and I’d like mushrooms and ham on my pizza.” no comma needed
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