Charlotte of the Pulverized Caterpillars; V

x

And, to dive straight in!

“Charlotte,” called the voice. I knew that voice. His voice. (Put 'his' in italics, maybe?) At first, it was like any other voice. It's really quite amazing how something so commonplace, something that doesn't stick out to you at all when you first hear it, can evolve into something so cherished and noticeable. I was sure I could pick it out from a line up if it was played alongside any other voice samples. But why was he calling my name? I turned quickly (I'm sure too quickly) and faced him, hoping my body language formed an acceptable response because I was certainly too surprised to form any sort of vocal reply.

Hmm? Wonder why the mysterious 'he' is calling her name? I shall discover momentarily!

“Charl. Hey! How are you? I haven't seen you in a while!”

*At this point, Evi tries to restrain herself from breaking her promise to Hannah and rambling about time passing, plot, names, and other things that Hannah has not included*

So, I see some time has passed?

*Evi grumbles about how abrupt this is, but muffles herself by sticking a pillow in her face before anything rude reacher Hannah's eyes or ears*

Now, now that some extraordinary affection had worked its way into my system, I couldn't get him out of my head.

Two 'nows'?

Perhaps he'd come back just to make sure that I was the idiot he thought I was. If that was the case, my dull conversation would have confirmed his suspicions.

Ha. I love those lines.

What was up with the world?

Can you possibly rephrase this to make it more Charlotte-esque? More formal, again?

His smile was a beam of sun. I can't over exaggerate the effect his smile had on me.

You say 'His smile' twice, very close together. Perhaps change the second one to either 'it' or 'that'?

[s]I mean[/s], I'm sure that no person

Again with the 'I mean'. I just think it doesn't sound like something Charlotte would say. You know, Charlotte and I are becoming homies. We're really getting to know each other.

What did I want?

I like this, for some reason. It's nice. Self-revealing. Keep it.

But I barely knew him. But I didn't care.

'But' is used twice. Cut the first one.

I really liked this boy. A lot.

Way to state the obvious. But, I like this ending. Short and sweet. Very effective.

So, I'll keep this conclusion short so I can get to the final installment! You, my dear, work wonders for my review count. That's six in two days! Not to mention everyone else's.

This was a nice little conversation. Good way to get Charlotte's hope back up, make her believe that she might have a chance with this nameless boy.

Wait, though-- what happened to the caterpillars? They disappeared off the face of the planet. Maye you should find a way to work caterpillars, ever so subtley, into every chapter. Just a casual mention would do it. Really tie them together. Maybe?

Moving on to the finale!

~Evi

=D Yay~ Evi's still here~ I haven't killed her with horrible writing yet!

*At this point, Evi tries to restrain herself from breaking her promise to Hannah and rambling about time passing, plot, names, and other things that Hannah has not included*

So, I see some time has passed?

*Evi grumbles about how abrupt this is, but muffles herself by sticking a pillow in her face before anything rude reacher Hannah's eyes or ears*

Hannah sees this as;

So, I see some time has passed?

Yes. ;D

I just think it doesn't sound like something Charlotte would say. You know, Charlotte and I are becoming homies. We're really getting to know each other.

Charlotte is, in fact, quite happy that someone understands her! She'd love to get together with you so she could talk about that boy to someone that would listen. >_> I just write down whatever she says. Teehee~~

I will fix all your mentions of repeated words {eck} and un-Charlotte-y phrases! ^_^ <3 <3 <3

-Hannah-