Charlotte of the Pulverized Caterpillars; III

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Hey again, Hannah! I have come faithfully to finish what I started. First of all, I'd like to clarify something: I like this 'patchwork' series. After re-reading my critiques, I discovered that I failed to come out and say that. I don't want to seem discouraging or evil. (If you add a 'L' to the end of my username, you get 'evil'. Ironic, huh? )

Secondly, I have come to completely accept the randomness. Completely. So, not a peep out of me concerning names, jumping around, pulverized caterpillars or lack thereof!

That said, we may begin.

He coasted up to me like the most graceful wraith through the smoothest buttery fog. I reveled at (in, surely?) the fact that he approached me, while I retained the ability to sit stationary on the couch, though my body was screaming at me to jump up and meet him half(no space between half and way)way. The way his footsteps carried a rhythm that matched my heart beat, even as it sped with his arrival, was uncanny. Any other girl might have flinched, giggled, or revealed her emotion, but not I. I was trained. I was strong. My face remained as though it were cast in marble and viewed in a photograph – lifeless and absolutely still. He was going to pay for his little slip at the concert.

“Charl!”

Nice start. I'm growing to love the formal style of writing that Charlotte uses; it really helps characterize her for us. However (I've noticed that I use that word a lot ) the first installment doesn't quite have that same air of formality and...I don't really know the correct word. Forgive me?

“Charl!”

He cheered my name as if it were his reason for living. No, I exaggerate, but I would have shivered at the joy that his voice contained if I were willing to shatter the facade of nonchalance I'd so carefully constructed.

Love this paragraph. It's beautifully constructed.

Silence. It was fun pretending to ignore him. I knew it was petty, but what little revenge I could inflict on him was good enough for me. I loved to watchhim out of the corner of my eye with my nose upturned, hair a muss (you mean mess, I believe?) around my haughty face. His brow furrowed and the corners of his beautiful lips turned towards the floor – just what I had expected. Well, no, I hadn't truly expected it, actually. What was with this guy?

The last sentence seems a bit out of tone. Less formal, less of that word that I can't quite remember.

Aha! I've got an idea. So, whenever something seems out of place, whenever something seems like it doesn't fit the tone of Charlotte, I shall underline it.

So, I'm going to go back and underline that last line.

Ya. Moving on!

The sight of his expression was very nearly physically painful for me to deal with.

That is three adverbs in a row right there. Three! You might consider reconsidering.

“Oh,” the word slipped out between my lips before I had the chance to catch it and shove it back into the net that hung behind my tongue.

Perhaps: ...before I had the chance to catch it and shove it back inside of me. The 'net behind the tongue' is a little...ugh. My vocabulary is failing me today. I'm sorry for my lack of coherency. (If that's a word?)

My lips trembled with anticipation of the departing words that were inevitably not going to make sense.

Love that line!

[s]I mean, [/s]he'd taken my silent treatment, my pout and returned it with charming ease.

No need for the 'I mean'. The point exists without it.

“You could have come found when I was done,” he said, voice lowered a bit as he took one huge step towards me.

Put what I bolded in italics, so that the stress in your reader's inner voice lands on the right syllables. If that makes sense?

I couldn't talk. I could hardly breathe. Why did this infuriating boy not realize that his very presence left me incapacitated? He sincerely needed to stop placing such high expectations on my function.

I love this. It's hilarious how seriously she takes herself. Well done! But, as with all wonderful line (or a good number of them, at least) I have a suggestion. Replace 'sincerely' with either 'honestly'. I think it would work even better.

“Ah, so you were going to ask me on a date then, [s]hmmm[/s]?”

So, I could find nothing the matter with the last sentences, except perhaps the fact that they were a it rushed. She accepts the fact that he'll never want to see her again immediately; I'd think, if she was that infatuated with him, she'd fight a bit more? Unless she's that self-conscious and insecure (which is a definate possibility). she doesn't seem to give herself enough credit. But that's just me, musing aloud.

So! I likes this installment. I will say, you've probably spent a good time looking over this critique. I didn't mean for it to be so long, sorry! But, I shall continue to part for! Up up and away I go!

~Evi

Eeeee, yay, Evi! Haha, I read all of your reviews on each piece before coming back to respond and edit {well, before I plugged in my laptop so I'd feel comfortable taking the time to edit and respond!}, and you're amazing. Hahah~ I will giggle at each part when it comes back up! xD !!

So, not a peep out of me concerning names, jumping around, pulverized caterpillars or lack thereof!

-giggles at because she knows what's coming in further critiques- xDD

However (I've noticed that I use that word a lot Smile ) the first installment doesn't quite have that same air of formality and...I don't really know the correct word. Forgive me?

:O

I completely understand what you're talking about! I wrote the caterpillar segment at a different period in time than the rest, so that probably accounts for the differences in style! I will go back to edit that for sure. ^_^

Replace 'sincerely' with either 'honestly'. I think it would work even better.

That does sound better!! I'm glad you liked that line though. ^_^ -teehee-

She accepts the fact that he'll never want to see her again immediately; I'd think, if she was that infatuated with him, she'd fight a bit more?

Yeah, I meant it as kind of denial sort of thing. Like, she accepts that she just completely trashed the relationship / possibility of a relationship and is in denial that what she did wasn't so horrible. >_> A little Charlotte-y quirk. -gigglefits-

I'll go through and make those little edits you suggested as well.

Thanks so much, Evi~~ <3

-Hannah-