Charlotte of the Pulverized Caterpillars; I

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First of all: Hi Hannah, I'm Evi, and I shall be your reviewer today. I've seen you around before, and thought I'd like to see your writing.

Secondly: EEK! Holy guacamole, you posted a bazillion things all at once! I'm just going to let you know that it might be to your advantage not to do this; let your series gain attention, gain readers, and hold out the next chapters for dramatic effect. Also, this floods the forums and pushes everyone else's work off the front page. This can be irritating to them.

Sorry for the lecture. Just thought I'd let you know that its not such a brilliant idea.

On to the critique!

The caterpillars squirmed and stumbled over the rug like a small pond of yellow and black stripes. Nice opening sentence! Some gathered at the [s]very[/s] edge of the rug, lining up perfectly as if they knew what my intention was. A few others lay crooked at the edge (You use 'edge' twice in one paragraph, very closely together. Consider a synonym?) of the couch as if they wanted to explore the shadows beneath the fabric comma here but were to frightened to leave the comfort of the rug that they called home. As I counted, numbers falling out beneath my breath (nice abstract phrase), I noted with pleasure how the caterpillars' colors contrasted beautifully with the flowing but dull floral designs of the red and blue rug.

This is nice. However, I can't find much meaning behind it. What's going on? As long as you explain soon enough, this doesn't necessarily need to be edited drastically; but, if you don't, it will.

Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. for some reason, I love the idea of counting. However, why don't you start with one, two thre...?

Thirty two in all, my beloved caterpillars. Then my bed called. I left the room in darkness, caterpillars still live on the floor. I hoped they'd be safe until morning. Something about the bolded sentence is off. 'Then' isn't a pretty word, and you can do better.

The clock on my shelf read 3;07 the next time I opened my eyes. Too early. Too early to function, but the bathroom called (This is the second time a room is calling you. Consider rephrasind?)my name like nothing else ever had. The small porcelain room (porclain room?) lay just across the rug (Do you meal across the hall? 'Cuz I don't see how it can be across the rug if you have a wall there, which most houses do.). Light blinded me the moment I flicked the switch, but momentary optical pain was worth the relief that was coming.

Okay. I liked this. It was different, definately; I still have no idea what's going on. Your character is playing with bugs on a rug, then the bed is calling, then she has to pee. You have no plot as of the moment; but, oddly, that doesn't bother me too much. It bothers me, but not a huge amount. As long as you clarify in the next segment. And soon, okay?

The whole 'I have to go to the bathroom' thing seems a little...ugh. Like, why elaborate on such a trivial fact? It's not exactly something most people love to read about. But, I don't know. You're choice, I guess. Just saying.

Business done, I headed back across the rug.

The caterpillars!

Had I stepped on my babies? Had I killed the growing bugs? I hadn't felt anything on my feet as I'd traveled to the bathroom, but I probably hadn't been paying to much besides the bloated feeling in my kidneys. (Unless this is important, please scratch this. TMI, my friend. TMI)I lifted one foot up to examine the heel and saw one of my jewels dead on my heel. (Heel twice)One of his companions had met a similar fate on the other foot. I was so startled to see their bodies lifeless and dry that I let out two small squeaky screams into the darkness.

"Get off get off get off. Exclamation point perhaps? Ewww.

I grabbed the closest piece of paper I could find and scraped the flakes of caterpillar from my heel before waking up in my warm bed.

The clock read 8;04 and I could hear rustling in the next room. Fifteen more minutes before I really had to wake up. Stupid dream caterpillars.

Okay...I don't really know what to make of this. I liked it, but it has no meaning. So far. We'll wait and see.

Hope this was helpful. I'll try to get around to the other parts soon!

~Evi

Hey Hannah! This title certainly is an attention grabber. I would say though that perhaps it did not receive reviews because you posted so many items simultaneously. The best method of posting on YWS (unfortunately) is to gradually post your work, posting part II, for instance, once part I receives some reviews.

The caterpillars squirmed and stumbled over the rug like a small pond of yellow and black stripes

I can't really picture a caterpillar stumbling - their legs are just little stubs. Not even legs, really. Maybe a different word choice, but the more pressing issue about this sentence is: the simile doesn't make sense! Alas, because it would be such a cool simile! The problem is created because you're comparing the action of squirming and stumbling to a small pond. That comparison isn't very clear. Ponds don't really squirm or stumble, so the simile falls short of accomplishing the visuals it was going for. You need to rearrange the words a bit for the simile to be successful: "The caterpillars squirmed, the rug like a small pond of yellow and black strikes" or you have the creative judgment to phrase it however you want to.

but were to frightened to leave the comfort of the rug that they called home

Too.

The clock on my shelf read 3;07 the next time I opened my eyes.

Comma instead of semi-colon in the time.

Too early. Too early to function, but the bathroom called my name like nothing else ever had

Oh, she's waking up already? Try to write a transition between her being going to bed and waking up -- it all sort of blurred together here. I didn't even realize she had been sleeping when suddenly she's waking up.

but I probably hadn't been paying to much besides the bloated feeling in my kidneys.

Technically, it would be the bladder.

I lifted one foot up to examine the heel and saw one of my jewels dead on my heel.

Try not to say the same noun twice in a sentence. Change one of them to something else.

Get off get off get off. Ewww.

After she had seemed to adore the caterpillars, it's odd that suddenly she's saying "ew", a term of revulsion and not horror. You need to expand on what exactly she feels seeing her caterpillars dead--- I don't think "ew" is apt though.

I grabbed the closest piece of paper I could find and scraped the flakes of caterpillar from my heel before waking up in my warm bed.

The clock read 8;04 and I could hear rustling in the next room. Fifteen more minutes before I really had to wake up. Stupid dream caterpillars.

Ohhh.... I don't like the ending here.

She accepts the fact that she was dreaming way too quickly for the reader to really care much. She should linger on the fact that she was dreaming -- have her express some emotion about it beyond "stupid caterpillars". Also, dreams tend to be more surreal, so put more detail into that part. Since it's all in her head, the dream, add some mental process, thoughts and feelings, in that part. The end just seems so devoid of all expression.

Also, when people wake up from a dream they don't immediately know it's a dream. She'll need some more convincing than just looking at a clock. I know, for myself, the clock would just confuse me more after just waking up.

I hope this was helpful! PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo

Yeahh, I found out after I'd flooded that it wasn't such a good idea. I think excitement and eagerness to spend the points I'd saved up sent my good judgment to the very back of my brain. >_< Sorry, guys, but it won't happen again. ^_^

Evi;

Do you meal across the hall? 'Cuz I don't see how it can be across the rug if you have a wall there, which most houses do.

Well, the set up in my mind is that the narrator is in a room which is adjacent to the 'rug room', and across the rug, also adjacent to the 'rug room', is a bathroom, so she has to cross the rug to get there. ^_^ I will try to clarify this!

Unless this is important, please scratch this. TMI, my friend. TMI

Hahaha! Will do, love. I'll try to smooth the whole 'bathroom' thing over. >_< It's just natural, I suppose, that people have to use the facilities in the middle of the night sometimes! -gigglefits-

I will also make all the little corrections that you pointed out! Thanks, Evi.

Clo;

Ponds don't really squirm or stumble, so the simile falls short of accomplishing the visuals it was going for.

Ahhh! You are so right! Thank you for pointing this out~ It will be fixed right away. Hehehe. ^_^

Too.

Blech. Yes. =D

After she had seemed to adore the caterpillars, it's odd that suddenly she's saying "ew", a term of revulsion and not horror.

Ahhh, interesting! I just thought, should I have stepped on my own caterpillars, that shock and disgust would be the first thoughts through my head, since I'd be hit with the sensation of it before the disappointment/sadness caught up with me.

Since it's all in her head, the dream, add some mental process, thoughts and feelings, in that part. The end just seems so devoid of all expression.

^_^ No problem! I will add a bit more to that last paragraph and make the other little changes you pointed out as well.

Thank you both for your excellent critiques! ^_^