Unzipped; III

x

Ahaha! Here are some other conflicts that I was looking for. Try not to let all of them circle around Aiden, though.

Okay, about the party thing; where are the parents? As far as I can judge, she still lives at home. Most parents would want to know where she was and where she was going- and possibly, confrontation could ensue. Also, it would be normal for her to have some interaction with them if they are home, and if they aren't, maybe use notes?

And if she isn't still at home...well, she seems a little innocent and young to be at tertiary education, and she'll need a job, and will have a lot of responsibilities- things that take the place of her parents, funnily enough. Bills, rent, college bills, food, etc.

I didn't see any real errors that stuck out to me, but then it is half midnight.

From what I've read, I'm intrigued. But again, I encourage you to give us more background on her life, and more description on her surroundings. Think of your story as a movie, except the audience has the ability to taste, feel, and smell as well as see and hear. Put your reader in the scene; let them visualise the scene around them.

You have a very nice writing style, I might add. With a little added description, and a slightly broader plot, with more attention to detail, I can see this story going places.

Also, try to bring something other romances don't. Make your story different, somehow. This will make it exciting and memorable.

Well done, I apologise for not being of more help. These critiques are too short, for my liking, but I can't think of much else to add.

-Nutty

Hey Hannah,

I really liked this part. Conflict! Yay!

Nutty already pointed out the college/party/parents/home thing. I suppose she's old enough to not have to ask her parents "Can I go out?" and all, but it seems odd that she's all alone, for I, too, got the impression she still lived at home. I think you can get rid of this by just putting in a sentence about her living situation.

The other thing is something small and may just be my personal opinion, but I think her thoughts when the phone rings are way too formal.

Just like a psychic. What a creeper.

I don't know, it's the "just like a" part that seems too long-winded for a quick thought to me, but yeah, maybe it's a personal thing.

Oh! One more (just remembered):

“Yeah, sure, I can.” A pause ensued; Georgia could not find the courage to break it as questionable thoughts were dancing precariously on the tip of her tongue.

Maybe you should share some of her thoughts with us here. We know how she feels about him, so it really wouldn't give away anything and I think it would be awesome to add something she really wouldn't want to say as a thought. Just to make the reader understand her holding her tongue a little better and let us feel with her a little more.

Other than that: Yaay! Love the embarrassment in the car and how it feels like she's going to burst and she just has to spill the beans, but then again, what if it goes wrong?? Great job at building up tension and making me want to read more, right now.

(How dare you leave us hanging right there and take part IV down? Just kidding, but please PM me when it's up.)

All the best,
~Kalli

P.S. You know what to do when you have questions ^_~

I like it, it really shows what goes through a girl's mind when she hasn't done anything like that before. I would've liked to see how she evaded her parents though, and maybe a better physical description of the two characters. Is Aiden cute, hot, or just average? Body language speaks VOLUMES and it would be better to see more from Aiden to show if he was comfortable with her or not. And also, why did she wake up at 7 pm?

You have a very nice writing style, I might add. With a little added description, and a slightly broader plot, with more attention to detail, I can see this story going places.

Also, try to bring something other romances don't. Make your story different, somehow. This will make it exciting and memorable.

WOW! Thank you so much. ^_^ Hehe~ I think I kind of tried to keep the full potential of this story boxed in so as not to make it too long for class, and I'm not gonna let that ruin Georgia and Aiden's little story anymore. :C

I'm hoping chapter four will bring a little bit more that other romances don't have, and some more uniqueness will come through in more Georgia-description too, I think. ^_^ Thanks so much for taking the time to read my work, Nutty!! ^_^ I really appreciate every little thing you've said, and everything helps me better my work. <33

I don't know, it's the "just like a" part that seems too long-winded for a quick thought to me, but yeah, maybe it's a personal thing.

Huhh, I try to think about it in my head and can't see where you're coming from YET, but I will keep trying as I edit.

I won't let you guys down! More Georgia-ness will be added and, if you'd like, I can PM you to at least READ the fixed up sections? ^_^

Also, thank YOU for reading, forgiving.is.easy! I understand what you're saying about body language and I'll try to slip some mentions of it in JUST for you! She didn't wake up at seven, she was just at home after school and thinking when the story began. ^_^ I guess that wasn't clear. >_< I could try to clarify that, too.

Thank you all SO much for reading!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

I'll get edited portions up soon. C:

I won't let you guys down! More Georgia-ness will be added and, if you'd like, I can PM you to at least READ the fixed up sections? ^_^

Sure! I'll love to keep reading these- and I will read part four when I get a chance. Possibly later tonight, unless I drop in exhaustion :p so do PM me when you continue or edit. I would love to see what you do with this. It's a sweet little story so far.

And you're very welcome. I enjoyed these, so no worries.

I shall be incredibly unhelpful and say that I loved the conflict, like Kalliope and Nutty. You do have a wonderful style, and I like this little story a lot.

I shall also second Nutty and suggest throwing in some other characters, just for good measure. Melanie is good, and so is Victoria; I assume she'll meet more at the party?

Aid, the screen read. Aiden was calling her. What a creeper. Fucking psychic. Even in her thoughts, only fond, forgiving tones were associated with Aiden. She joked off the coincidence and picked up the phone, flipping it open.

*raises eyebrow* Saying the 'f' word about him doesn't exactly mean fond, forgiving tones to me. I'm confused by this. How does she feel about him calling?

“Alright, go do whatever girly-get-ready-stuff you do, George.

Eureka! This is perfect male-characterization. Voila. Love it.

The thing about living with Victoria is wonderful. It would be the perfect oppurtunity to throw in some hint of a father-- dead, divorced, loser, loving, or otherwise. The perfect oppurtunity, love. Consider enlightening us about him.

Shit. If I tell him about it, he’ll wonder why I was even looking there. There… beneath the jeans… boxers… Georgia’s mind wandered to regions of thought she’d never even considered before.

That's exactly the perfect reasoning. Exactly the excuse many girls would come up with not to mention it.

Encouraged by the heat of discomforting subjects

She's encourage by discomfort? Wouldn't it be 'Discouraged by the heat of uncomfortable subjects'? Or 'encouraged by the heat of unexplored subjects'. That sentence, as it is, is rather contradictive.

So! That was quick, painless, and most likely unhelpful. I shall attempt to wrap things up in part four, but don't place too much trust on my critiquing skills.

~Evi

Hi again, Hannah! June here

Because this is so flawlessly written, I am going to be as nitpick-y as possible!

Bzzzt. Bzzzt. Bzzzt. The purple cell phone vibrating on her desk, volume intensified by its echoes through the wood, startled Georgia from her attempt at calm; she rolled off her bed to her hands and knees, righted herself, and rushed to retrieve the call.

This! The tenses are jumpy. I think this should be: The purple cell phone vibrated on her desk, the volume intensified as it echoed through the wood, startled Georgia from her...

See, what I mean? It sound present tense-ish at first, you see?

Aid, the screen read.

Also! I don't think that you need to have "Aid" bolded. Just italicize it! When writing and doing all that technical formatting stuff, think about books you find in a library! Often you don't find bolded words in them, do you?


I absolutely adore how you've brought conflict into this chapter. As I read the first two, I was hoping that you would introduce some type into this story, and you did! Not only did you introduce it, but you brought it on smoothly, and you made it an internal conflict; not one that involves characters conflicting with one another in the same way.


I know these reviews that I am dishing right now are rather on the lame side, but I'm trying to rush this. I promise in the future to give better ones-- that is, unless your work is too good for criticism!

June