Abandoned {Chapter One}

Not sure where I am going with this, I just was bored so I started writing. I may write more, not sure yet.

Abandoned
Chapter One




“I am so nervous…” I admitted, as Cali brushed one more layer of bronzer across my face,
"Ash, acting is a natural talent you have. And don’t worry, and everybody gets nervous! Just get out there rock that audience, I know you will,” she assured me.
“But I saw out there, there are tons of people! I’ve never performed in front of this many, I think I should have practiced my lines more… I could-” Cali interrupted me with a snort of laughter,
“Ashley, honestly, how many hours did you spend saying your lines?” she asked, now fixing loose strands of hair my dark curls,
“Um, I guess…like, a total of like 15 hours…”
She smiled, “Exactly, you will be absolutely perfect. Just remember to breathe deeply and speak loudly!”
Mrs. Louise was all the sudden in front of me, making sure I looked perfect.
“Fantastic, you look gorgeous darling! You are on in 2 minutes!” She put her hands on the sides of my face and her smile looked almost as radiant as her personality. Mrs. Louise was probably the most excellent performing arts teacher on the face of the earth; she was so always constructive and helpful. She had so much energy that made everyone do their absolute best.
“Hey, don’t touch the artwork, please,” Cali teased.
Finally, I heard my queue from out on the stage, “Here we are, Mr. Scrooge, at your dear nephew’s house!”
Ashley pushed me towards the curtain,
“Break a leg!”
* * *
The moment I came out from backstage, I was surrounded by a mass amount of people, all yelling my name and telling me how great I was. Smiling, I said thank you, but I was really only looking for one person. I scanned the room, but I didn’t see Trent. Where was he?
“ASH!!” I heard familiar voices squeal. I spun around and saw my best friends, Haley, Caitlin, and Mandy rushing towards me.
“You. Were. Amazing!” Haley cried, throwing her arms around me.
“Seriously, you were the best actress in the whole play! Ashley, are you a freakin’ star!” Caitlin said,
“Actually, she is the best actress in the world!” corrected Mandy,
“Thank you guys so much!” I said, smiling, “but have you seen Trent?” Haley finally let go of me, and Mandy hugged me, wasting no time.
“I haven’t, no,” Haley answered,
“Me either,” Caitlin said,
“Nope.” Mandy replied.
Not wanting them to think all I cared about was Trent, I ignored the topic and all of us went around the room saying hi to everyone. My hands were full of bundles of roses and tulips – every single type of flower you can imagine. I tried to not think about Trent not being anywhere in the room and instead enjoying all of the compliments. Though I could not ignore the fact that I hadn’t seen Trent at all a half an hour later when we were saying our goodbyes to all our friends from school. He had promised to come. I bet he did come, why wouldn’t he have? Trent knew how important this was to me. He probably just had to leave early or something. Plus, he was the perfect boyfriend. I knew he wouldn’t let something this huge slip.

Hi! The edits in this piece are in caps...

mateeah3 wrote:Not sure where I am going with this, I just was bored so I started writing. I may write more, not sure yet.

Abandoned
Chapter One




“I am so nervous…” I admitted, as Cali brushed one more layer of bronzer across my face, COMMA SHOULD BE A PERIOD
"Ash, acting is a natural talent you have. And don’t worry, and everybody gets nervous! Just get out there rock that audience, I know you will,” she assured me. NATURAL TALENT YOU HAVE IS A BIT AWKWARD...MAYBE NATURAL TALENT OF YOURS?
“But I saw out there, there are tons of people! I’ve never performed in front of this many, I think I should have practiced my lines more… I could-” Cali interrupted me with a snort of laughter, COMMA SHOULD BE A PERIOD
“Ashley, honestly, how many hours did you spend saying your lines?” she asked, now fixing loose strands of hair my dark curls, IT'S A BIT REPETITIVE, MAYBE DITCH THE LOOSE STRANDS OF HAIR PART?
“Um, I guess…like, a total of like 15 hours…”
She smiled, “Exactly, you will be absolutely perfect. Just remember to breathe deeply and speak loudly!”
Mrs. Louise was all the sudden in front of me, making sure I looked perfect. IT'S PHRASED AWKWARDLY. PUT SUDDENLY IN THE BEGINNING AND DITCH THE ALL THE SUDDEN?
“Fantastic, you look gorgeous darling! You are on in 2 minutes!” She put her hands on the sides of my face and her CHANGE THE HER TO A WITH A? smile looked DITCH THE LOOKED ALMOST AS...? almost as radiant as her personality. Mrs. Louise was probably the most excellent MOST EXCELLENT SOUNDS A BIT AWKWARD performing arts teacher on the face of the earth; she was so always constructive and helpful. She had so much energy that made everyone do their absolute best. THIS SENTENCE IS PHRASED A LITTLE AWKWARDLY
“Hey, don’t touch the artwork, please,” Cali teased.
Finally, I heard my queue I THINK YOU MEANT CUE, NOT QUEUE from out on the stage, “Here we are, Mr. Scrooge, at your dear nephew’s house!”
Ashley pushed me towards the curtain,
“Break a leg!”
* * *
The moment I came out from backstage, I was surrounded by a mass amount MASS AMOUNT DOESN'T REALLY FIT... of people, all yelling my name and telling me how great I was. Smiling, I said thank you, but I was really only looking for one person. I scanned the room, but I didn’t see Trent. Where was he?
“ASH!!” I heard familiar voices squeal. I spun around and saw my best friends, Haley, Caitlin, and Mandy rushing towards me.
“You. Were. Amazing!” Haley cried, throwing her arms around me.
“Seriously, you were the best actress in the whole play! Ashley, are you a freakin’ star!” Caitlin said COMMA SHOULD BE A PERIOD,
“Actually, she is the best actress in the world!” corrected Mandy,
“Thank you guys so much!” I said, smiling, “but have you seen Trent?” Haley finally let go of me, and Mandy hugged me, wasting no time.
“I haven’t, no,” Haley answered,
“Me either,” Caitlin said,
“Nope.” Mandy replied.
Not wanting them to think all I cared about was Trent, I ignored the topic and all of us went around the room saying hi to everyone. My hands were full of bundles of roses and tulips – every single type of flower you can imagine. I tried to not think about Trent not being anywhere in the room and instead enjoying all of the compliments. Though BUT SOUNDS BETTER THAN THOUGH HERE I could not ignore the fact that I hadn’t seen Trent at all a half an hour later when we were saying our goodbyes to all our friends from school. He had promised to come. I bet he did come TRY CAME INSTEAD OF DID COME, why wouldn’t he have? Trent knew how important this was to me. He probably just had to leave early or something. Plus, he was the perfect boyfriend. I knew he wouldn’t let something this huge slip.

Nice story, overall. I liked the way you developed your MC and showed her personality really well. It would be a really good story to continue...
PM me if you want to talk about it...

fluteluvr77<3

“I am so nervous…” I admitted, as Cali brushed one more layer of bronzer across my face.
"Ash, acting is a natural talent you have. [s]And[/s] Don’t worry, [s]and[/s] everybody gets nervous! Just get out there and rock that audience. You'll be fine, I know you will,” she assured me.
“[s]I saw out there, there are tons of people![/s] But there are tons of people out there! I’ve never performed in front of this many. I think I should have practiced my lines more… I could-” Cali interrupted me with a snort of laughter.
“Ashley, honestly, how many hours did you spend saying your lines?” she asked, now fixing loose strands of hair my dark curls,
“Um, I guess…like, a total of like [s]15[/s] fifteen hours…”
She smiled, “Exactly, you will be absolutely perfect. Just remember to breathe deeply and speak loudly!”
Mrs. Louise was all the sudden in front of me, making sure I looked perfect.
“Fantastic, you look gorgeous darling! You are on in [s]2[/s] two minutes!” She put her hands on the sides of my face and her smile looked almost as radiant as her personality. Mrs. Louise was probably the most excellent ("Most excellent" doesn't really work here. Maybe "best" or something?) performing arts teacher on the face of the earth; she was so always constructive and helpful. She had so much energy that made everyone do their absolute best.
“Hey, don’t touch the artwork, please,” Cali teased.
Finally, I heard my queue from out on the stage, “Here we are, Mr. Scrooge, at your dear nephew’s house!”
Ashley pushed me towards the curtain,
“Break a leg!”
* * *
The moment I came out from backstage, I was surrounded by a mass amount of people, all yelling my name and telling me how great I was. Smiling, I said thank you, but I was really only looking for one person. I scanned the room, but I didn’t see Trent. Where was he?
“ASH!!” I heard familiar voices squeal. I spun around and saw my best friends, Haley, Caitlin, and Mandy rushing towards me.
“You. Were. Amazing!” Haley cried, throwing her arms around me.
“Seriously, you were the best actress in the whole play! Ashley, are you a freakin’ star!” Caitlin said,
“Actually, she is the best actress in the world!” corrected Mandy.
“Thank you guys so much!” I said, smiling, “but have you seen Trent?” Haley finally let go of me, and Mandy hugged me, wasting no time.
“I haven’t, no,” Haley answered,
“Me either,” Caitlin said,
“Nope.” Mandy replied.
Not wanting them to think all I cared about was Trent, I ignored the topic and all of us went around the room [s]saying hi to[/s] greeting everyone. My hands were full of bundles of roses and tulips – [s]every single[/s] and every other type of flower you can imagine.
NP>> I tried to not think about Trent not being anywhere in the room and instead [s]enjoying[/s] enjoyed all [s]of[/s] the compliments. Though I could not ignore the fact that I hadn’t seen Trent at all a half an hour later when we were saying our goodbyes to all our friends from school. He had promised to come. I bet he did come, why wouldn’t he have? Trent knew how important this was to me. He probably just had to leave early or something. Plus, he was the perfect boyfriend. I knew he wouldn’t let something this huge slip.

OVERALL: I liked this. Your wording is sometimes awkward, so watch that. And you need a little more description of her surroundings to make it more interesting. Other than that, it was mostly just punctuation.

PM me for any questions.

~Sunny