pain....

Hey! Welcome to YWS. I see your new here. I'm midnightvampie we a rule to do two reviews before posting. (2:1), so get reviewing. Also, it helps you get more reviews. Lets get started:

child_of_death wrote:can i break tha heart?
would you jump if i asked
you to?could you pull the
trigger?should you cut the
skin so deep?

I would suggest capatalizing things correctly...thoughout the poem, you don't capatalize anything, and it makes any work look a little sloppy, no matter how good the poem.

does it cause you pain?
does sleep come hard?
does it bleed too much?

The last line is confusing. It took me a while to see that you were talking about someone cutting themselves (at least, that's what I'm sure its talking about). I think the part that threw me off was the 'does sleep come hard?' because it was talking about two different things. Pain, and sleep. Do you see what I'm saying?

break tha chain
break tha heart
break thou body

I'm curious why you've used 'tha' instead of 'the' in the poem. I'm not saying to get rid of it, I was just curious as to why.

cover that cuts. hide
tha gun. step away
from tha edge.dont
let me cause pain

I think you meant 'cover those cuts' instead of 'that cuts'. I like this stanza the most. Especially 'hide the gun. step away from the edge.' The very last line says 'don't let me cause you pain'. Overall, I love the ending, it ties it up very well.
I would suggest using proper capatalization. (I'm just one of those people).
Good job,
~MidnightVampire

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