The Wolf and the Rabbit

Run, rabbit, run,
You know not who he is.
With his wicked smile
And midnight hair,
You know not what he thinks.
Just like a startled rabbit,
Bolting when the wolf comes.
You love him
And yet you fear him.
Why?

Yes, his wicked smile
And light teasing tone.
I know exactly who he is.
Now the rabbit can run,
And the wolf is just left
With the memory of her
Wide eyes.
He can't hear her heart,
Beating like a drumb,
A metronome of her new hatred.

Naive as you were,
I don't suppose you noticed
How the wolf looked at you,
Like you were just snack food.
No rabbit, but you grew a spine.
Will you run again,
Or stand your ground?
You don't love him anymore.
He has the eyes of a predator.
So you've noticed.

One look at his eyes,
And I could see
What he really wanted.
How much did he ever
Really care for me?
Not at all.
It's time for the wolf
To fear the rabbit.
There's no more running.
I'm not his prey.

Hey, Explosive! I'm Evi, and I shall be your reviewer today. In fact! You have reviewed two of my pieces, so I'm just returning the favor!

Run, rabbit, run,
You know not who he is. I like the formality here. It will be great as long as you keep it up the entire poem.
With his wicked smile
And midnight hair,
You know not what he thinks.
Just like a startled rabbit, The 'just' seems a litte...off? For the style, that is. Am I making sense?
Bolting when the wolf comes.
You love him
And yet you fear him.
Why? I like this last line. Simple, yet very, very effective.

Yes, his wicked smile You've already said this. Perhaps a new description?
And light teasing tone.
I know exactly who he is.
Now the rabbit can run,
And the wolf is just left
With the memory of her As I was reading this, I wanted to stop right here and end the sentence. Maybe, on one line, you could do 'With the memory of her eyes' then on the next, 'Wide as ______' whatever analogy you'd like to use. Perhaps?
Wide eyes.
He can't hear her heart,
Beating like a drumb, Drum. No 'b'.
A metronome of her new hatred. I think you should add another word for the last line in this stanza. Something one-syllable, like 'Why?' in the first. It would complete the effect.

Naive as you were,
I don't suppose you noticed
How the wolf looked at you,
Like you were just snack food. 'Snack food'? Can you come up with something a bit more...eloquent?
No rabbit, but you grew a spine. 'But you found your spine' maybe.
Will you run again,
Or stand your ground?
You don't love him anymore.
He has the eyes of a predator.
So you've noticed. 'As you've noticed now' seems right to me.

One look at his eyes,
And I could see
What he really wanted.
How much did he ever
Really care for me?
Not at all.
It's time for the wolf
To fear the rabbit.
There's no more running.
I'm not his prey. Good, strong ending.

So, I like this a lot. The double meaning behind the rabit and the whole 'wicked love' undertones comes across nicely and clearly. My main problem is the POV. First stanza, it's a narrator talking directly to the prey. Second stanza, it's the narrator using third person, saying 'she' instead of 'you'. Third stanza goes back to 'you', and fourth it goes into first person, with 'I' and such.

I think, if you'd like to have your characters be a bit clearer, that you should pick one POV and stick to it. I liked the narrator talking directly to the rabit, as in the first and third stanzas. Just my opinion, though. I was appalled that you hadn't gotten any reviews! This was very good.

PM for anything you need!

~Evi

Aww, Evi covered all the nitpicks!!! ...Guess I'll have to go with the concept-ish stuff now...

Theme - Whoa, I loved it! It came out really well...I guess, by Em's standards it's kinda sappy. But, I really liked it...

Rhythm - It's awkward at spots. It seems a little forced and the lines aren't too equal. Like,
Now the rabbit can run,

And the wolf is just left

With the memory of her

Wide eyes.
The last line is a little too short...But, some parts it came out really well...

Mechanics - Being the grammar Nazi that you are, I didn't find any mistakes except the ones that Evi covered...so good job

Mood - the mood in the poem kept fluctuating. At parts it seemed like it was extremely formal. Like,
Run, rabbit, run,

You know not who he is.
Then, parts like
Like you were just snack food.
just didn't seem to fit...

The second stanza was my favorite by far! I loved the line "the metronome of her new hatred". It seemed to fit really well.
Overall, good job on this twin! I read it a while ago, but I was feeling lazy then, so here's your promised review

I read this and really liked it!

Okay, here's some of the problems:

Mood:

Personification: I liked your symbolism with the rabbit and the wolf. It made quite a lot of sense, but since I want to make this longer, I'm going to get a little nitpicky. First of all, you made it sound as if the rabbit didn't know what the wolf exactly was, when actually rabbits are probably brought up from a very young rabbit age to stay away from wolves. Also, and I say this again for no particular reason, but who or what exactly is it your talking about? Who or what does the rabbit and wolf represent? It just sort of makes me curious, it's not really a problem, and neither is the "rabbit knowing a wolf from a young age" thing, either.

Rhythm: Like fluteluvr77 said, it seemed a bit forced in places, so unless you had a really od beat goin' on in your head and it sounds perfectly fine to you, you might want to do something about that. But that's probably the most common mistake in poetry, and is often the reason that I completely rewrite an entire poem. So don't worry, it's not that bad.

Theme: I really liked it! But...are you talking about a personal relationship that you experianced or one that you heard had happened or was happening to someone else? Just curious, there's really nothing wrong with it.

Grammer: Other than the ones Evi picked out, I can't really find any, except maybe the fact that you could have written some sentences differently, but that's not really grammer.


Other than all those nitpicky and not very important things, there's really nothing wrong with your poem. I think the biggest problem your having is rhythm which can easily be fixed with a few music lessons or something.

Toodle-loo!

Meow