The Diary

August 28th

Today is the first day of HIGH SCHOOL! Yay! I am so excited that I couldn’t sleep very long. It’s 4:30 now, so I need to get up in half an hour. But since I have nothing to do for half an hour, I’m going to write about how excited I am! Squeal!

I wonder how it will be. Because I’m in the advanced classes, maybe I’ll be sitting next to cute sophomores and juniors! Maybe one of them will fall in love with me and we’ll go to a drive-in movie! All of my friends will be jealous that an older guy loves ME!

Sigh. Who am I kidding? Why would a sophomore like me? I’m Elizabeth Cooper. My hair is shoulder-length and totally messy. It’s impossible to do anything with it. I hate it. I hate all of me. The only thing that I do love is my eyes. My moss green eyes. They’re like the woods that surround this prison. I can’t do anything. My parents are WAY too protective. Besides, who would notice my eyes with my big poof of hair gets in the way. Well, it’s less poofy now that it’s a bit longer, but that’s it.

Sigh. Now I’m not as excited for school. The only thing that I’m excited for is the new experience. I love new experiences. And maybe I will find someone to love. All I wish for is for this day to go right.

Oh! Before I forget, two weird things happened. The first was, as I was climbing into bed last night, I saw that it was 11:11. The minute when wishes comes true. I was thinking about what to wish for when this popped into my head:

I wish the wish of many dreams,
The dreams of many wishes.
And when my dreams do come true,
So shall my wishes.

I have never written poetry before in my life, so when this came, I was surprised. It’s really weird, I feel as though I have said it before multiple times. And it seems more of a…a prayer than a wish. But, I’m being stupid.

The other weird thing was my dream last night. I dreamed as though I was in Egypt. I was the, I don’t know, I guess the best way to describe it is, the lady-in-waiting for Queen Nefertiti. Not only that, but I was her best friend. It was only a quick flash, but it looked as though we were sitting by a pool in her palace. Our heads were shaved and we only wore thin cotton skits. We were laughing at something…but I woke up.

Once again, sigh. I have to get up now. I’ll tell you what happens when I get home.

* * *

School was…semi okay, I guess. Nothing special happened. I don’t have class with older kids, just kids my age. Out of all my classes (eight) I only have two with my best friend, Lucy, and one with Demitra. But that class only meets once a week.

If I sound sad to you, I guess I kind of am. I expected more out of it. I thought that it would be cooler, and that all my friends would be in my classes, but no. When I tried to make new friends, they all just laughed at me. No one likes to be my friend. I don’t know, but somehow, I’m…different. No matter how I act they hate me. It’s like they can sense it, like wolves can sense who’s out of the pack and abandon him.

I need a nap.


PLEASE! I DESPERATELY NEED REPLIES! FEEL FREE TO TEAR APART!

...Unless there's a part up ahead that explains it, I don't believe this is fantasy fiction...there are other subforums where this would've fit much better.

With that said, I'll say what I can about this. This story does nothing but tell the reader what happened; there's no real imagery, save for the descriptions in the beginning, and there's no real depth to this. The narrator's thoughts are unchallenging, and overall, boring. You need to actually take us to the school in a scene or two, describe the school that way, through the narrator's eyes. Otherwise, this work is going to be largely boring and won't be read.

Seriously, this needs to be rewritten; I'm sorry to say that, but the way you're doing it could work if you actually wrote about what's happening in the narrator's life instead of just her thoughts. There's nothing wrong with writing a main character's thoughts, but that's all you've done here. I'm not an arrogant person, but I'll send you a link of what I've done through first person so you can see what I'm talking about, because I'm sure I'm not completely making sense: topic28872.html

Just click on the link in the box in the first post that says 'download' to get the pages up. Like I said, that'll show you what I'm really talking about. Otherwise, I'm sorry that I seem to be a jerk, but you're never going to improve if people don't tell you how it is. So don't give up.

It seems kind of abrupt to me. You are kind of rushing things along when Elizabeth is describing herself. What do her friends look like? What do her class rooms look like? Is her teacher nice or not?

What I do when I can't decide what to add to a story to make it a little more descriptive, is write it down one paper. That way you can really view it all at once. That's what I find helpful to me,.... all except for right now when I have a major case of writers' block, but that's not the point!

I like what you have written, so run with it essentially!

This is good as far as a person's diary goes, it reminds me of something I would write in my diary. But the thing is, it needs to be more interesting... you don't describe much, and as the person above said, all you read is what the main character is thinking! It should be more captivating... should make the read WANT to go on reading. I'm not too sure on the whole 'sigh' thing... But that's just my opinion Keep working on it!

You sort of rushed te whole thing along, you really need to fill it out and tell us all about your characters

besides, how can Eliabeth know that she won't make any friends? it was only one day of school! on my first day of high school (yes i know im only 13, i skipped 2 grades) i came home feeling just as depressed but then all these new people liked me. she can't have one bad day and it ruin her life.

but go with it. heed the advice given, but dont give up. Also where is the fantasy part?