A Secret Place

Give me your hand and I'll give you mine,
and we'll run to a place they will never find.
Once open for one is now welcoming two,
a secret place for just me and you.
Rest here together 'till this all dies down,
then slip away separate without a sound.
Say nothing to others about this rendez-vous,
about this secret place just for us two.
A secret place,
for me and you.

This is very good! I found a tune to match the words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDkPFWzYlEo

I really don't have anything to critique here. Like I said, it's good.

This is very good, i have to agree! i love the rhyming of the words, the way it flows.
Welcome to YWS! i just have one suggestion, maybe instead of they will never find, maybe put they'll never find. Just a suggestion but i really liked it!

This is a decent attempt at rhyming poetry; well done!

Now you could focus on more imaginative imagery and more unusual rhymes that captivate the reader's attention. Describe for us what this secret place is. You mention the speaker's feelings about what this sanctuary might be like, but you need to show it to us in much more inventive detail. Use all of the senses! Something like:

"The smell of summer drips from your skin
and will never die: it eats into my heart within."

I'm not great at rhyming poetry (I prefer free verse), but you get the idea. Use detail, sensory language and unusual images to transform this piece from a good one into a great one!

Good luck!

Gahks

7/10

Hey Ameria, and welcome to YWS! Stella here!

We have a rule here, two reviews for every one piece of your own work you put up. Would you mind fulfilling that for us? Thanks .

and we'll run to a place they will never find.

For some reason the word order is annoying me. I don't know...

Rest here together 'till this all dies down,

I think it's either till or 'til. I prefer 'til, but it's up to you.

Say nothing to others about this rendez-vous,

The rhythm's a little weird. Maybe something like "Say not a word of this rendezvous." Is it hyphenated? I'm not really sure...

Overall I really liked it. It's a pretty idea, and you don't feel the need to explain anything which, in some cases, is really good. Your rhyming isn't forced and it flows really well.

Nice job.

Hope I helped, and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

I really liked this

it rhymed and it told a good enough story

however

you left out way too much story

who is chasing the two?

why are the too being chased?

are they criminals
rebels
trespassers?

where are they harding
what is like

I would really like a lot more detail and imageray on this safe haven that the characters have hid in.
you did well on describing what the place was to the charcters hiding there
but what should it be seen as by the reader.
is it clean, is it dirty
comfy or bleak
details are always a must unless them being left out is relevent to the effect the writer is trying to coax out the reader.

I'd like to know more about the the two characters
are they in love
I mean really in love?
where did they come from?
where are they going?
one thing I love about poetry is the since of mystery you always get.
but sometimes the lack of information on a situation can discourage a reader.

so always pay close attention to details on what you want to elicit from your audience.

I liked this poem! Very well written I must say! To me, it seems a little mysterious. That is what I like in a poem. A dramatic, mysterious, cautious type of poem always gets me! Nice work and keep writing!

Thanks so much!!

Bailey

I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first I though it was going to be another stupid little teen poem about wanting to spend forever with a guy you like, but I changed my mind at the third line.

Good work!

KEEP ON WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This poem reminds me of a really good book, I can't remember which one, that was about secret lovers that could never be seen together or anything and I love the story about forbidden love
Forbidden love is almost always followed by secrecy and mystery, so I like how you gave the reader something to grab onto but kept some stuff to keep them wondering
I absolutly love this

it was a simple yet a romantic poem
where two lovers become one

hope you do better