Shiyru Tournament: Chapter One

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As soon as I turned, I saw someone who I never expected to see. My first thought was "are you a friend or foe to me" but I instantly shook the thought away. I wanted to say something, but I was too shocked at the moment to think of what to ask.

"It's okay, Lyra. I know that you're afraid. You don't know if you should either fear me or to accept that I'm here. But you don't have to say a word." a tenor voice said calmly.

I was still in shock from the words spoken; my mouth seemed to be glued shut. I didn't even blink, either. I was nervous of what would happen if I were to say something. All I did was stand there in complete silence; pondering over what I should say. Suddenly, I opened my mouth and words came out.

"I don't want to fear you, but I'm afraid we'll be fighting against each other eventually. That's what I'm afraid of, I do not wish to fight you but I will if I must. Although I've been trained hard, I still have areas to improve on. Such as agility, you are faster than I ever will be. It would be a good experience to fight against you, but I don't want to hurt you and inflict damage."

I could hear the tall figure laugh to himself. I knew this kind of expression would come out, but I didn't expect to hear laughter in such a calm way.

"You haven't changed a bit, Lyra. You've never wanted to hurt me! Maybe because I never hurt you, I don't know. It's okay, if you hurt me, it will show how strong you are! You're good enough at agility too, so don't worry about that little setback!"

It was funny how similar he sounded as he did several years ago; always calm and full of laughter. Although it had been a while of seeing him, it was good to hear him laugh and communicate with me. Even if he was acting more like himself than he normally did; usually he would give a smile or a glare to get a point across.

"You always have to be the big brother type, don't you?" I was starting to laugh at my very own comment.

"Well, of coarse Lyra! After all, I am your big brother!" Quile was snickering now; just like every other big brother in the world. Like always, he also laughed just before the "crying affect".

This is when I completely wanted to just laugh, Quile would never hurt me. Of coarse, I am a few years younger than him. But now, it didn't matter. It was officially a possibility of family versus family and we yet had to wait for the first group to fight. We only had ten minutes before the first group would be chosen and I didn't want to hear my name.

After a few minutes passed, my Master came out and told me it was time to go into the arena. It was time for the names to be called. I slowly walked behind him, while looking around at the other fighters walk through the huge wooden doors. Every fighter and Master sat on the arena ground and looked up to see the scoreboard; which had several names but no order. I sighed deeply, wanting to know who was also here. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to look and everybody had to listen to the announcer.

"First battle is to take place tonight at seven thirty. Only four fighters will be fighting today and each round will last thirty minutes. If needed, more time will be allowed but not much. The first fighter to win their match will go onto the next round. In order to win, you simply need to knock out the opponent or tire them out. And now, the first four fighters and who they will fight!" a voice bellowed throughout the arena; every one around me covered their ears from the annoying sound.

"FIRST! You two fighters will be fighting at seven thirty, by the way. Ursali Gona versus Niquia Harlok! Good luck to you both and please practice if you wish before competing. Your Masters will show you where each practice room is and I bid you both luck. SECOND! The next duet will be fighting at eight thirty but this can change at any given moment; like everything else that happens. Lyra Merin versus....."

I could slowly feel my nerves tense up and my hands become sweaty; more adrenaline went through my bloodstream then ever before. I didn't want to hear who I would fight against, I wanted to wait just a little bit longer. But the moment had come, I was fighting someone at eight thirty. Even though I wanted to know who, I was afraid of the name that would be called next.
Last edited by ocean_soul13 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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OMG, kim! that is intense....write chapter 2 soon!




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"It's okay, Lyra. I know that you're afraid. You don't know if you should either fear me or to accept that I'm here. But you don't have to say a word." a tenor voice said calmly.
Add an increased amount of detail that would identify the speaker, even though it may be obvious who it is.

I was still in shock from the words spoken; my mouth seemed to be glued shut. I didn't even blink, either. I was nervous of what would happen if I were to say something. All I did was stand there in complete silence; pondering over what I should say. Suddenly, I opened my mouth and words came out.
He shook the fact of who he was fighting away, I thought......

Also, really make sure that the characters' dialogue really matches up with their own personnality, and that multiple people don't share a personnality. Make him and his friends attitudes differents, but not too different. I'm not doing a good job of explaining myself, but I hope you get the general idea.

This piece is a work in progress, Kim, keep it up, and don't stop brainstorming until the battles are won, the climax concluded, and all that jazz. POST CHAPTER TWO OR ELSE I MIGHT JUST STARTING USING THE WORD HELL IN A PROFANE MANNER 0.0
Kendall- The best writer is never done improving his novels.




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Hello. Thought I might review something of yours today. ^_^ Just a quickie--be sure to do two reviews for every submission you make! Then you can guilt people into reviewing your stuff for you. :)

Well, I have a slight phobia of nitpicks and I really don't think they're necessary here, since it's rough, no? Anyhow, onto the meat:

As soon as I turned, I saw someone who I never expected to see. My first thought was "are you a friend or foe to me" but I instantly shook the thought away. I wanted to say something, but I was too shocked at the moment to think of what to ask.

I'm completely perplexed by this. Your grammar and such is fine, so no troubles there, but I can't quite grasp the colours here. So, this person sees someone who they never expected to see, then wondered if they were friend or foe, then was shocked? Alright, get rid of the first line. It's not necessary, as the last line supports it, and it "shows" it. Particularly important in grasping attention, at the start of Chapter One. And if it was instantly shaken off, how do they remember the thought? It's little nitpicks like that that you will find important to note. Really, it's just a chain of contradictions. They're shocked, but then suddenly the realisation is gone and they don't know who the person is, then are too shocked to speak again? I think you get the idea, be careful with things like this.

You don't know if you should either fear me or to accept that I'm here.

Surely, to fear someone, you must accept that they are there? Also, you've got a few issues with dialogue punctuation. Go here for info on that:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic3746.html By our all-famous Snoink. :)

"I don't want to fear you, but I'm afraid we'll be fighting against each other eventually. That's what I'm afraid of, I do not wish to fight you but I will if I must. Although I've been trained hard, I still have areas to improve on. Such as agility, you are faster than I ever will be. It would be a good experience to fight against you, but I don't want to hurt you and inflict damage."

That really hurt to read. I mean, it doesn't flow well; would anyone speak like this? Also, that first line is a bit weird, doesn't really go with anything and the "but" has no real relevance. The characterisation here is all over the place. "I've been trained hard" (clear accent) goes to "I don't want to hurt you and inflict damage". Feels more like an essay, no? In other words, too forced, let your dialogue flow and don't think about what you write, because the word will just be the wrong one.

I also counted far too many repetitions of "laugh". I'd find some other way to show humour and happiness and such. I'm kind of unsure about your character--how does she feel about all this? And I find that, again, the dialogue goes from really pointy and jaggy to typical and easily-flowing. It disrupts the readers view on the character. There's definitely some good writing here, and I'd recommend reading some kind of conflict stories and descriptions and such, so we can communicate with the character. Make sure that we care, so that that way, we'll be thinking about Lyra and hoping she does well. That's the key to suspense.

Clean it up and keep writing! I'm interested to see where it goes. Interested in the sense that I need more details on your character, so I can understand her some more. :)

Hope I helped!

Mark
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde



There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley