Young Writers Society


Beauty

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*This is just a short story I decided to write. Its not exactly a romance, its more about have love for life or not having life at all. Enjoy, and please review.




Waiting in line is often a dull and mind numbing task. Especially waiting in line at a bank. And yet at some point we all have to do it, because whether any of us like it or not money is a very essential need in this day and age.
And so I found myself doing the very thing mentioned above, expecting nothing exciting to happen except for maybe the line to move a little faster than normal. Little did I know that my life was about to change, forever.
She walked through the door, and she was beautiful. And I say beautiful in a way that strips away all the preconceived notions of what beauty truly is. Who says that beauty is one thing, one look, one face? No, this woman was exquisitely unique in a way that captivated my senses and made my eyes move her in slow motion so that they might capture every detail.
I suppose that a reader would like me to describe this uncanny beauty, and I will try, but I am sure that I will not get it right. For me, it is too great to describe in the whole. She had long black hair that looked like Mother Nature had plucked raven feathers and placed them gently upon her head. He face was small, heart-shaped, with all the perfect and sharp angles. Her eyebrows arched high, and just below sat her eyes so dark that they almost matched her hair. He nose was long, sculpted, and pointed matching the rest of her features. Her lips were oddly mesmerizing. They were both thin and full, and I imagined them curling into the most breath taking smile. Her limbs were long thin and graceful, like a dancer.
“John?”
My accountant’s voice pulled me back into the dull reality of my life. I walked up to his desk and sat down. I explained to him that I needed to move some money around for my dying mother. Then I heard her voice at the front desk, the voice of an angel. A sad angel.
I turned my head and saw her gliding away from the counter towards the door. I pushed my chair away ignoring Frank, my accountants, confused questions. I followed her out.
She walked quickly down the sidewalk, her shining hair feathering out behind her. I had to know her, discover her name, where she was from, what were her hobbies. She captivated me in a way I didn’t understand. I had never felt this before.
“Miss!” I yelled, frantic.
She spun around, my heart pounding. This was not like me, my character was boring, proper.
“Yes?” She asked in her singsong voice.
“What is your name?” I asked in my breathy voice, taking a step closer to her.
“Well, what do you think it is?”
“Beauty.” I said without hesitation.
She just smiled and turned to walk into the street. She had frozen me, opened my eyes, allowed me to see for the first time what the world really looked like. My whole life I had been floating, not daring to dance as she did. I felt as if I were a new man, alive for the first time. All because she had spoken to me.
I heard the sound of screeching brakes and a gasp that sounded more like a bow being guided lightly over the string of a violin. Pulled from the spell she had casted over me I ran. I saw her crumpled form in the middle of the street and felt hot tears spill from my newly open eyes. I knelt beside her and whispered in her ear.
“beauty”
She smiled and said in reply “John, keep those eyes wide open.”
I was surprised, I had never had to chance to tell her my name, and yet she said it as if she had known me for years.And then she was gone. Just like that, she had come into my life and then she was gone. Those few minutes I was with her were the most important of my entire life. I am convinced that she was not human, she was an angel sent from heaven to save me from my half life. She taught me to live, even in death. I am not sad that she is gone, I am happy that she came. She is my angel, she is Beauty.
Last edited by knFrance on Sat Jan 24, 2009 6:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hola, my name is Evi and I shall be your reviewer today. :D If you add an 'L' to my name you get 'Evil'.

There's a reason for that.

Waiting in line is often a dull and mind numbing task. Especially waiting in line at a bank. And yet at some point we all have to do it, because whether any of us like it or not money is a very essential need in this day and age.


This is all very well, but darling, we know this. Your character doesn't need to tell us that money is essential for everyday life. We're living it with you.

It would be a fabulous oppurtunity to insert some personal touch here. Like so, for a bitter MC:

"And, yet, at some point in our lives we'll all have to endure it, because money doesn't grow on trees and I ain't gonna do something stupid to mess it all up. Freakin' lines."

Or for a Mary-Sue (which should be avoided, although it makes a fun example :) ):

"Oh dear, althought lines are quite essential, I do find myself slightly inconvenienced. It's such a bother, don't you agree? Goodness gracious, what a bore!"

Or so.

And so I found myself doing the very thing mentioned above, expecting nothing exciting to happen except for maybe the line to move a little faster than normal. Little did I know that my life was about to change, forever.


I love the first line majorly. But the 'life changing forever' bit is a bit...well...done. Give us some credit; if you hint at it a bit more subtley, we should manage to figure out that you're life is changing. Tell us what he's doing right before this life-changing event occurs. Thinking about what's for dinner? Trying to remember the bank teller's name? Checking his watch?

No, this woman was exquisitely unique in a way that captivated my senses and made my eyes move over her in slow motion so that they might capture every detail.


This next paragraph is nice. The description of his beautiful is well-written, but you forgot a word. No worries. That's what i'm here for. :D

Her nose was long, sculpted, and pointed matching the rest of her features. Her lips were oddly mesmerizing. They were both thin and full, and I imagined them curling into the most breathtaking smile no space between breath and taking.


Ah, descriptions! They are the end of us as writers. I get the image of this beautiful lady, really I do. It's a quite lovely mental picture, actually. But surely there's a way for you to describe her without starting every sentence with 'her', isn't there? Talk about her throwing her raven-hair over her shoulders like a goddess, or elegant fingers reaching in a purse for a credit card. Whatever. Just vary your description so that not every sentence begins with 'her'.

I turned my head and saw her gliding away from the counter towards the door. I pushed my chair away ignoring Frank, my accountants, confused questions. I followed her out.


The bolded makes no sense. Isn't Frank his accountant? So, clarify por favor.

Alright, the last paragraphs have no glaring errors. I commend you for this story. It is nice and sweet. The last bit seems a little rushed, with her sudden accident. I felt like it popped out of nowhere. But a little more emotions, a little more description-- that's easily remedied.

Good job on this. I thought it was nice. Just to tell you, though, the title should be 'Beauty', not 'Beautry' like you put. You might want to fix that before anyone else notices.

Good luck in the dreaded editing process, and I hope I wasn't evil!

P.S. Oh, yeah. And I like your character's way of thinking. It's all very proper, without contractions and a lofty, sophisticated air to it. Very nice.
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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This was beautiful! If I really like something, then I find myself absorbed into the story and unable to take a step back and find mistakes, so, none found here :).

The only one little thing is that when he whispers "beauty," it's not capitalized, unless it wasn't supposed to be, in that case leave it!

Anywhoot, this was really enjoyable! I'll have to read more of your stuff when I get a chance.

Drugs are bad,
Shannon
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"Live every week like it's shark week." -Tracy Jordan
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My first review in forever! I feel so guilty. But it's Chinese New Year, so.. what the hey.
knFrance wrote: Waiting in line is often a dull and mind numbing task. Especially waiting in line at a bank. And yet at some point we all have to do it, because whether any of us like it or not money is a very essential need in this day and age.
And so I found myself doing the very thing mentioned above, expecting nothing exciting to happen except for maybe the line to move a little faster than normal. Little did I know that my life was about to change, forever. Cliche, cliche, cliche.
She walked through the door, and she was beautiful. And I say beautiful in a way that strips away all the preconceived notions of what beauty truly is. I love this sentence. Who says that beauty is one thing, one look, one face? No, this woman was exquisitely unique in a way that captivated my senses and made my eyes move her in slow motion so that they might capture every detail.
I suppose that a reader would like me to describe this uncanny beauty, and I will try, but I am sure that I will not get it right. For me, it is too great to describe in the whole. She had long black hair that looked like Mother Nature had plucked raven feathers and placed them gently upon her head. Ew. Raven feathers. Trying to get rid of mental image!! Her face was small, heart-shaped, with all the perfect and sharp angles. Her eyebrows arched high, and just below sat her eyes, so dark that they almost matched her hair. Her nose was long, sculpted, and pointed matching the rest of her features. Her lips were oddly mesmerizing.Redundant. No value added. They were both thin and full, and I imagined them curling into the most breath taking smile. Her limbs were long, thin and graceful, like a dancer. Too many "her"s! And try not to forget your commas and "r"s.
“John?”
My accountant’s voice pulled me back into the dull reality of my life. I walked up to his desk and sat down. I explained to him that I needed to move some money around for my dying mother. Then I heard her voice at the front desk, the voice of an angel. A sad angel. Elaborate. Sad?
I turned my head and saw her gliding away from the counter towards the door. I pushed my chair away ignoring Frank, my accountant's, confused questions. I followed her out.
She walked quickly down the sidewalk, her shining hair feathering out behind her. Feathering? I had to know her, discover her name, where she was from, what were her hobbies. She captivated me in a way I didn’t understand. I had never felt this before.
“Miss!” I yelled, frantic.
She spun around, my heart pounding. This was not like me, my character was boring, proper.
“Yes?” She asked in her singsong voice.
“What is your name?” I asked in my breathy voice, taking a step closer to her.
“Well, what do you think it is?”
“Beauty.” I said without hesitation.
She just smiled and turned to walk into the street. She had frozen me, opened my eyes, allowed me to see for the first time what the world really looked like. My whole life I had been floating, not daring to dance as she did. I felt as if I were a new man, alive for the first time. All because she had spoken to me.
I heard the sound of screeching brakes and a gasp that sounded more like a bow being guided lightly over the string of a violin. She's dying here! What's with the prettiness!? Okay, maybe it's just my need for goriness. Feel free to ignore it. Pulled from the spell she had casted over me, I ran. I saw her crumpled form in the middle of the street and felt hot tears spill from my newly open eyes. I knelt beside her and whispered in her ear. Your commas, darling!
“Beauty.”
She smiled and said in reply, “John, keep those eyes wide open.” Comma.
I was surprised. I had never had to chance to tell her my name, and yet she said it as if she had known me for years. And then she was gone. Just like that, she had come into my life and then she was gone. Those few minutes I was with her were the most important of my entire life. I am convinced that she was not human, she was an angel sent from heaven to save me from my half life. She taught me to live, even in death. I am not sad that she is gone, I am happy that she came. She is my angel, she is Beauty.

Why is the title "Beautry"?

Honestly, I didn't particularly like it. It's probably the grammar and stuff, but really. I'm sure with a lil editing, it'll be fine. :D So go on and edit!

Hope I helped!

Cheers,
Lily.
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Hahah, thanks for the whole Beautry V. Beauty thing. That is sooo something I would do. And thank you to everyone for the reviews. I didn't spend much time one this, so that's probably why there's so many grammar problems, thanks for pointing them out because I probably wouldn't have noticed :D



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