Murder at Hampton's ~ Four

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Well. Well. Everyone. It's been ages since I sent anything in for this story. Sorry, if it's been so long. I checked the dates for this story and I'm going to keep it in 2008 instead of 2009. (Has to do with Dec. 19 being a Friday) Any who, I need all the help I can get. With grammar and other pointers. Thanks to those who read the other chapters. You know who you are. Well, enjoy reading! And on with this chapter.

This chapter is revised.

Walking into the school, I saw Cece and Andy as I called out for them, “Hey, guys!”
They both turned around to the sound of my voice. “Hey, Kate.” Cece said.
I swiftly walked over to my best friends as we all walked into the cafeteria.
“So what's the drink for today?” I asked.
“Don't know.” Andy replied, “Maybe we can hit the cafe.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“Sure.” I glanced over at Cece and noticed she wasn't paying any attention. “Hey, Cece.” I waved my left hand in her face, “Dude, are you okay?”
Reality hit her instantly, “Yeah.” She snapped her head back and spoke, “I'm okay. Why?”
“We were thinking about hitting the cafe for a drink.”
“My god, Cece. You have got to stop staring at him.” Andy told out loud.
Cece and I both said, “What?”
“Kate, she was staring at Draven McRoy.” As Andy groaned in frustration.
I scanned the cafeteria and spotted Draven. He was with the skaters and rockers and all those in between. “Cece.” I focused my attention back at her, “Stop daydreaming about Draven.” I whispered softly, trying to be quieter than Andy.
Cece stared at the both of us and said, “Hey, I can't help that he's so hot.”
Rolling my hazel eyes, I could tell that Andy did as well, “Come on. Let's go get something to eat.” I suggested.
“'Kay.” Cece said as we all went over to the cafe.
“Okay, let's see.” I went over to the front because there was no one in line, “I'll have the medium Eggnog latte, please.”
The guy behind the counter said, “Sure. With 1 percent or 2 percent milk?”
“Oh, 1 percent.”
“Okay.” He turned his head and called out to his fellow co-workers, “One eggnog latte!” When he looked back he told how much it was, “That'll be $2.75.”
I pulled out my baby blue wallet and handed him the cash, “Here.”
“I didn't know you used cash, Kate.”
“Huh? What Cece?” I moved out of the line and glanced at her while I placed my wallet back into my bag.
“I didn't know you used cash.”
“Oh, that. No my dad would rather me use cash at school then of my debit, so I am.”
Cece nodded, “Gotcha!”
“Where's Andy?”
She pointed to the back of her where Andy was, “He's buying a drink.”
When Andy was done, Cece went in line and bought herself a drink. I turned to Andy and asked, “What's you get?”
“Oh, just a Pumpkin latte.” He pulled his blue shoulder strap closer to him.
“Cool.” Was all I said while we waited for Cece.
When she was done she came to us, “I got my favorite Peppermint latte.”
“For the ones who got the eggnog, pumpkin and peppermint latte. They're ready.”
We all went up, grabbed our drinks and said thanks. “Man, I love the holidays.” As I told my friends. I took a sip of the hot drink and immediately felt the eggnog rush down my throat. “This is so good. How's yours, guys?”
“Really good.” Cece mentioned as we walked down the cafeteria to a table. She had her hands wrapped around her drink, showing how cold she was.
We sat down as Andy expressed his feelings on his drink, “I love it. It's one of my favorite holiday drinks.”
“So Kate. You were talking about the holidays. What are you planning to do over break, besides work?” Cece put forth into words as she took another sip of her peppermint latte.
“Well, Jake's coming home with Lexie on Christmas Eve.”
“Oh, really. How's Jake doing?” Andy asked.
“You mean Lexie Stewart?” Cece added.
I looked at the both of them and laughed, “He's doing great by the way. He still in Lexington University studying to be an archaeologist. And last time I heard, Lexie is doing great also.” My older brother Jake is in the university at the age of twenty-one with his girlfriend since high school, Lexie. “But that's all I know. Maybe dad will have some Christmas day surprise for us.” I said as I smiled with my eyes sparkling in the lights. Every Christmas dad always had some sort of surprise for us. This year, I had no idea what he was planning. I don't even think mom knows what he's planning.
“I'm glad he's doing okay.” As Andy conjectured as he took a sip from his pumpkin latte. Ever since I became friends with Andy, back in elementary school, he always looked up to my older brother, Jake. They were friends for quite some time, until Jake went on to college.
“Me, too.”
“Well the holidays are here and I am so ready for it.” Cece proclaimed, with both Andy and me smiling at her. Out of all three of us, Cece was the most excited for the Christmas holidays. As year after year came, she always decked out in the green and red colors. It was funny watching her decorate everything in those colors. You couldn't even see the Christmas tree because it was filled to the brim with lights, bulbs, popcorn and so on.
Andy broke the silence and said, “So are you guys working on Christmas Eve?”
I thought about what he said, “I don't know. Maybe. Are you guys planning too?”
“It all depends if Ms. Dawson gives us the day off or not.” Cece stated. The three of us works at Payless Shoe Store on 3rd Avenue next to the video store. Ms. Dawson, the store manager, isn't the friendliest of people I know. I was surprised I got the job, even with my two friends.
“You're right, Cece.” I pulled out my cell phone and checked the time, “Well I gotta go guys.” The moment I said that the five minute bell rang and we got up, grabbed our things and said goodbye.
“See you guys in 6th.” Andy said as he went the other direction.
“By Andy!” I called out through the noise of the passing students.
Jogging up to the trash can, I threw in my empty drink, “So Cece are you doing anything tonight?” We had class in the same hallway.
We both walked down the 500th corridor when she said, “Nothing really. Why?”
“Oh, I'm kinda bored tonight. Did you wanna come over and we could watch some horror movie?”
“Sure. Let me ask my parents. And if I can, we are so watching a zombie movie.” She laughed while I joined in on the amusement. “Well, gotta go. See ya later, Kate.”
“Bye.”
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Hey Merry!! Haven!!!

I have all the time in the world to review, so I'm gonna critique everything that's not right or I don't like.

Now, Lets start off with a positive input. (Whoa, that sounded really smart)

*reads it over*
Hmmm. I like the 'are you staring at him again' thing you got going on. It's funny. This is on my top five for uneventful chapters.

Not in a mean way, though. 'Cause you and I both know that this chapter didn't have action lurking in every corner.

Now, for the negative input. (I am LOVING that phrase!!!)

They both turned around to the sound of my voice. “Hey, Kat.” Cece stated.

You can drop around, there. I think it'd be better. You can change if you feel like it. No, fine. Yes, fine.
I don't like 'stated.' Stated is for courtrooms, not for romance. Unless it's romance in a court room. But whatever. It doesn't sound like she's very enthusiastic, so I would seriously consider putting this in.
"Hey, Kat." Cece greeted me bluntly.

That sounds awesome. You can replace bluntly with something else, but that awesome word fits best.

I treaded over to my best friends...

Treaded doesn't sound right. Use walked or jogged. But treaded? Does it sound right to you?

“So what's it today?” I asked.

What's it? What's "it"?
Don't tell anyone, but nobody likes you. Shhh!




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Sorry. Pressed the wrong button.

But as I was saying, I didn't even know what 'it' was. Change it to, Where should we eat today, or where we gonna chow, or something, but not, "what's it" EWWW!! Sorry.

“My god, Cece. You have got to stop staring at him.” Andy voiced out loud.

Haha. I loled. I would put Italics on got. It would be so much funnier. And voiced? Isn't voiced for deaf people? No offense to deaf people, I just always hear 'wanna voice' instead of 'wanna speak?'
And out loud? No duh its out loud. Sorry. Put Andy groaned, or moaned or said in annoyance or something. Not voiced.
Cece and I both said, “What?!”

Drop the exclamation, and maybe said in suprise if you don't want to.
“Kat, she was staring at Draven McRoy.” As Andy pointed out.

I don't know if its supposed to be there, but it doesn't make sense. Read it over. Andy pointed at him? Or Andy stated(here you can use stated.) or even groaned. Drop As though, and it'll sound fine.
“Cece.” I pulled my attention back at her, “Stop daydreaming about Draven.” I whispered out loud, trying to be quieter than Andy.

Put, I focused my attention on her, maybe even add an again at the end. Drop out loud, please. We know. Put, I ordered softly, trying to be....or keep whispered, just drop out loud. Please.
Rolling my hazel eyes, I could tell that Andy did also, “Come on. Let's go get something to eat.” I suggested. “'Kay.” Cece said as we all went over to the cafe.

Andy did as well, or too, or did the same. All of those would be awesome.
When he looked back he asked for the money, “That'll be $2.75.”

Does that make sense? He's not asking, his telling you.
When he looked back, he told us, "Blah, blah, blah"
Better. Much Better.
“I didn't know you used cash, Kat?”

Drop the question mark, put the exclamation. Maybe even, Cece exclaimed. So you don't have to use
"What Cece?" Which I would already have to critique because YOU FORGOT THE COMMA!! Sorry.
“Oh, that. No, dad rather I use cash at school instead of the debit card.”

"Oh, that. No, my dad would rather me use cash at school then my debit, so I am." That. Would. Be. Awesome. But, if you don't like that, well, you have to like that. Never mind.
Cece's lips formed into a perfect, “Oh.”

What? Since when did she pay attention to lips? How about/ Cece nodded. "Got'cha." Yeah, do that. Because you already used Oh and you can tell. It gets annoying no offence intended.
She pointed to the back of her where Andy was, “He's buying a drink.”

Okay. What? Maybe, she pointed that faced my back, where Andy was, "Words."
That'd be awesome.
When Andy was done, Cece went in line and bought herself something, “So what'd you get Andy?”

That makes it sound like Cece's saying it. For-get the comma there.
How about.....
When Andy was done, Cece went in line and bought herself a drink. I turned to Andy and asked, "What'd you get?"

There. Perfect.

That's all I can do. My mouse is messed up.

HOPE I HELPED!!

-Aubree
Don't tell anyone, but nobody likes you. Shhh!




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*Aubree~
Wow. Your pointers are really going to help. And I thank you for that.

And you definitely helped. Thanks again!

*Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<



Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield