the ballad of Hannibal

all gather close
all gather near
i have a great story
i want you to hear

this tale is of Hannibal
a great general was he
with eyes like a torch
and a soul like the sea

his home in Carthage
his father at war
he swore to make
the empire no more

he rounded up an army
50,000 strong
with spears and swords
short and long

with man and beast
he crossed the straight
quickly he went
for Rome wouldn't wait

he fought his way
cross barbarian-ridden Gaul
striving onward
he refused to fall

he climbed the Alps
with bravery, he did
losing more lives
than he thought he'd bid

reaching Italy
with 38,000 men
the war on Rome
had finally began

slowly but steadily
he took over the land
not by words
but by swords and hands

18 years
he destroyed Rome
but for 18 years
he had no home

2 times
he was forced to flee
to the toe of Italy
surrounded by sea

at the last moment
when hope was lost
he took his life
at a great cost

Carthage fell
the people killed
or some slaves
if the lord willed

as for Hannibal
he died a hero's death
fought for a great cause
may now he rest

Nice job. Mostly flowing, very set rhyme scheme, looks like you did pretty thorough research, and nice transitions. Unlike most poems, you didn't leave any empty spaces. Just a few editing changes;

all gather close,
all gather near,
i have a great story,
i want you to hear;

Punctuation.

this tale is of Hannibal;
a great general was he,
with eyes like a torch,
and a soul like the sea,

Punctuation.

his home in Carthage,
his (?) father at war,
he swore to make
the empire no more.

he father at war? Punctuation.

he rounded up an army,
50,000 strong,
with spears and swords,
short and long.

Erm. Punctuation.

with man and beast,
he crossed the straight,
quickly he went,
for Rome wouldn't wait.

Went is an understatement. Try flew, or ran or something more dramatic than merrily went.
And Punctuation.

he fought his way,
cross barbarian-ridden Gaul,
striving onward,
he refused to fall.

Punctuation...

he climbed the Alps
with bravery; he did,
losing more lives
than he thought he'd bid.

Nice line. Punctuation.

reaching Italy
with 38,000 men,
the war on Rome,
had finally began.

Doesn't quite rhyme. And just add punctuation in the following stanzas too, I'm not going to correct it all.

Two times
he was forced to flee
to the toe of Italy
surrounded by sea

This stanza needs work. Write out two. Always do that from numbers one through ten. And the last line seems crammed into that stanza.

Carthage fell
the people killed
or some made slaves
if the lord willed

Made makes the poem more flowing.

Again, good job with this.
Keep writing!
Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

thanks. fixed the he to his. and to any one else, i never punctuate or capitalize, so please dont say anything.

Darn. Forever Threnody beat me to the full bod crit, but maybe i can add something...


this tale is of Hannibal
a great general was he
with eyes like a torch
and a soul like the sea


good description. soul like the sea somehow draws me in. but...(now for the negativity) read if out loud to yourself. i'm not sure how, and where to put the rhythm. OHH WAIITTT! i read it again. it makes sense. dont mind me.


he rounded up an army
50,000 strong
with spears and swords
short and long


the "short and long" part of this sounds like you didn't have any other ideas so you stuck with this one. its just...kiddish sounding. if you can find another rhyme to go along with this that isn't so...obvious...? it will do a lot for this stanza.


he fought his way
cross barbarian-ridden Gaul
striving onward
he refused to fall


"barbarian ridden Gaul". hmm. this one is hard. you barely get away with sustaining the rhythm here. but...i really like the description. if you can possibly think of anything this good that fits better, go for it, but if not, keep it. im pretty sure it works. barely.


losing more lives
than he thought he'd bid

beautiful. genius. marvelous.



2 times
he was forced to flee
to the toe of Italy
surrounded by sea


i know you dont like punctuation, but in this stanza it is critical. "to the toe of italy" throws off the rhythm unless you read it with a pause between "toe" and "italy". but when you read it the first time, you read it like you would a regular line, not inserting the pause until you realize it's wrong and you figure out why the line sounds bad.




All in all, good poem. (As with all of yours.) good job.

ahha, but you do capitalize the names of places, Gaul, Italy, and people, as well, Hannibal.

I assume this kind of history interests, me as well,

yeah, I was voting for hannibal too, when I first learned about it. so sad what happened.

anyhow, this was a good poem.

Peace,
God

thanks peoples