I Made a fool of myself, again.

I live in a small shitty apartment. It gets so cold in the winter that I avoid showering for fear my testicles might freeze to the side of my leg. I've called my landlord like, a billion times, and he still hasn't come to fix the god damn heater. I hate feeling cold.
When I was younger my grandmother would always bother me because I wasn't wearing a heavy enough jacket. It could be the middle of summer and she'd ask me, "Aren't you freezing without a jacket?" I'd say, "Mom-mom, your old, shut up." Just joking. I would always say no, and wonder to myself why exactly was it that no matter the season, no matter how many layers I had on, whether I had gloves on, or a hat, it didn't matter. She would still ask me whether or not I was cold. After living in the apartment from hell (frozen over), I've come to understand why it was that she would always ask me if I was warm enough, its because the cold sucks. It seems like after all of her years on this earth, after experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotion, and even living to talk about, she has concluded that nothing is worse than feeling cold. Maybe old people aren't that stupid after all.
Why is it that when I walk down the street to go to class, or the library, or to go buy some pot, I pass so many beautiful girls. It doesn't make any sense. God invented college so that he could put a bunch of hormonally driven young adults in one area and see all the stupid shit they can do. I think he most likely suprised himself. Sometimes I'll picture myself going up to one of those girls and saying, "Hi, my names Ethan. I think I have a decent heart, and thats more than I can say for most the people in this city. We should get to know each other" But that would be crazy. Sometimes I'll imagine one of those pretty girls stopping to tell me she's in my Lectures in Literature class and would really like to get to know me. She likes my comments from class. Then I see us together drinking coffee and doing all the cliche 'getting to know each other' bullshit, eventually she will start hanging out with my friends. They actually like her, can you believe that. She's so sensitive and intelligent, and beautiful, and beautiful. I can smell her perfume on my jacket after she hugs me. Alright, I'll cut the crap. Fuck that. This is how it will probably happen...
I'm at a party and as I'm walking to the keg to get myself another beer, I see the most stunning Indian girl I've ever seen. The cup reflecting off her eyes makes it look like there is a fire burning behind them. We catch each others glances and walk towards one another like magnets, this is beyond our control. I say, "Your beautiful." She says, "No, you are." We begin to kiss and before I know it I am following her up the stairs in a complete strangers house. She says she has to pee, but the line to the bathroom is too long. She walks to the closest door, which happens to be a storage room, asks me to wait and minute, and pees right on the fucking floor.
We get to the room. She's so fine, so sexy, a real women. I try to forget the fact that she just pissed in some dude's closet because this girl is like nothing I've ever seen before. I've never been with an Indian girl. She asks if I have protection, I say no, I wasn't planning on this. She says that its okay because she's on birth control. She asks me if I'm clean, I say yes. Then I think to myself.... this girl just kissed me after no more than 4 words, asked me to come upstairs with her, she pissed in the closet, and now she wants to have unprotected sex. She doesn't even know my name, I don't think this is such a good idea. I know I'm clean, but this girl was probably as clean as that floor in the closet.
It could happen like that. Or it could happen like this....
My friend tells me that the girl from psych class that I sit next to everyday and smoke a cigarette before and after the class with wants to sleep with me. She just wants it. No strings attached. Well, instead of studying at her place together like we had planned, we end up drinking a bottle of wine, then going to a party down the hall hosted by the football team, and before I knew it we were in bed together naked. Problem was, my tools were not working. There was no cooperation happening between me and my tools. I was panicing, this normally doesn't happen, maybe shes not hot enough, maybe I'm just loosing my ability to get boners. Maybe it's because of that Aderoel i took to help me study. Fuck. After I can't get my junk to function, she asks me to leave. We don't sit next to each other next class. I wonder why. I blame it on the Aderoel.
This is how the story really goes....
New at college, freshman year. Sitting in a small seminar for first year students. I see a girl across the table from me, I feel like I know her already. Her eyes are so big. Her name is Maya. We talk after class because she was in Israel for a year, and my friend is there now and is doing the same program she did. I cannot stop thinking about her. I call her to hang out, and we become best friends. She will never kiss me. She finally does once, but just because I helped clean up her roommates vomit from carpet after we were all drinking heavily at the hooka bar. She kisses me again while dancing at a party a month later. I kiss her in my room after drinking too much together sometime during the winter. She didn't remember walking home that night. I tell her I love her, I think I really do. Its not the right time for her. She is the most perfect girl for me, and I know it. The year ends, and she decides to go back to israel, this time indefinatly. I haven't seen her since.
I still think about her as I sit in my fucking freezing apartment and think about why I'm still alone. I blame the cold. The cold sucks.

Negative:
I'm not really sure on how to comment on this. Most of it is just kind of confusing and I wouldn't know where to start. Maybe you should read this over several times and then re-word some of the paragraphs. Some of the paragraphs were bland and it wasn't quite what I thought it would be. How you go into on how it would be when they'd have sex was a bit too much information at once. It didn't seem as if each idea was flowing into each other.

Positive:
Otherwise I think it was a nice planned out thing. The way he goes in describing the coldness of his house and then when he relates that to his grandmother's worry. It's a good comparison. Some of your descriptions were laid out nicely as well and this one, despite the small grammatical error, was very good.

The cup reflecting off her eyes makes it look like there is a fire burning behind them.

You already have reflecting so you want to change makes to making; if I'm not mistaken.


Overall I see potential, but you might need to word things differently and read this over a few times. Otherwise, keep writing. All good stories need a little revision now and then.

-Chenka

why exactly was it that no matter the season, no matter how many layers I had on, whether I had gloves on, or a hat, it didn't matter

You can reword this to sound less confusing by saying something like: "why exactly it was that it didn't matter the season, how many layers I had on, what I had on..."
But that whole sentence is kind of confusing.

We talk after class because she was in Israel for a year, and my friend is there now and is doing the same program she did

That's confusing as well. Even though I understand what you're trying to say you can add more detail to it, instead of just trying to say it all at once, because at first glance that looks like "what the heck". You can say something like "We started talking because she has something in common with my friend..." or something along those lines.

Overall your story is just kind of confusing. I like that it's from a different perspective, but maybe you can try to get to know your characters more as well, so it doesn't seem like you're just writing a bunch of stuff and trying to pull it together.

Frankly, I already have a sort of prejudice against this kind of storyline. So feel free to ignore what I might say about the plot. Also, you have to review at least TWO other works before posting your own. Keep the 2:1 ratio, and people will be more willing to critique your work. It's the rule.

"Mom-mom, your old, shut up."
Mom-mom. Heh. "you're", not "your".

I would always say no, and wonder to myself why exactly was it that no matter the season, no matter how many layers I had on, whether I had gloves on, or a hat, it didn't matter. She would still ask me whether or not I was cold.
This sounds dubious. It doesn't flow very well. Maybe it should be, "...had gloves on, or a hat, she would still ask if I was cold."

I've come to understand why it was that she would always ask me if I was warm enough, its because the cold sucks.
"..if I was warm enough - it's because the cold sucks."

It seems like after all of her years on this earth, after experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotion, and even living to talk about, she has concluded that nothing is worse than feeling cold.
I believe you were referring to a different sort of cold? A feeling rather than an emotion, perhaps?

Why is it that when I walk down the street to go to class, or the library, or to go buy some pot, I pass so many beautiful girls.
Question mark at the end.

"Hi, my names Ethan. I think I have a decent heart, and thats more than I can say for most the people in this city. We should get to know each other"
"name's", "that's", "most of the people", and "each other."".

We catch each others glances and walk towards one another like magnets, this is beyond our control.
"each other's". "..like magnets - this is beyond our control."

"Your beautiful."
"You're".

She walks to the closest door, which happens to be a storage room, asks me to wait and minute, and pees right on the fucking floor.
"wait a minute".

Its not the right time for her.
"It's".

My friend tells me that the girl from psych class that I sit next to everyday and smoke a cigarette before and after the class with wants to sleep with me. She just wants it. No strings attached.
The tense here is different from thereafter. Here it's present, but after this sentence it's past. Pick one and stick with it.

I was panicing, this normally doesn't happen, maybe shes not hot enough, maybe I'm just loosing my ability to get boners.
"I was panicking. This normally doesn't happen. Maybe she's not hot enough, maybe I'm just losing my ability to get boners."

Maybe it's because of that Aderoel i took to help me study.
"I"

She finally does once, but just because I helped clean up her roommates vomit from carpet after we were all drinking heavily at the hooka bar.
"her roomate's". "after the heavy drinks we had.."

She is the most perfect girl for me, and I know it. The year ends, and she decides to go back to israel, this time indefinatly.
"..go back to Israel, this time indefinately."

Oookay, since it already happened, or is happening, why is everything referred to in simple present? Like:
This is how it will probably happen...
Or it could happen like this....

But in the end it says:
This is how the story really goes....

I hope you read the review thoroughly, because while it looks long and boring, if your essay is full of grammatical errors, nobody will like it. It's rather jumbled up, too.



Overall: It sounds rather disconnected, but I hope that's how it's intended to be. A 6/10 rating.

Hope I helped!

Cheers,
Lily.

Positive: You were really real and blunt with what was going on instead of beating around the bush. Alot of writers struggle with that. It was funny, partly because my house is so damn freezing all the time too, but also because of the voice you used. In the end, where he realizes he loves Maya, it's very sweet, but a bit more of background on their relationship would make this so much better :]

Negative: I want to know WHY he's thinking he's going to try to have sex with these random girls, and just imagines the problems instead of how good it would be like I would think a guy would. You could have put this together in a less confusing way, but it's a good idea.

Altogether, keep writing, it sounds good so far :]

I live in a small, shitty apartment. It gets so cold in the winter that I avoid showering for fear my testicles might freeze to the side of my leg. I've called my landlord like, a billion times, and he still hasn't come to fix the god damn heater. I hate feeling cold.

I know this is a piece where you're expressing yourself, and how your really feeling, and how your life really is, and so I hate reviewing this. I'm going to concentrate on grammar and structure and plot, but I don't want to criticize something that isn't fiction, and is actually based on the authors life. Why are you doing this to me?

The landlords don't fix heaters - electricians do. Maybe you should call an electrician. And in this paragraph you are very blunt, and very vague. "I hate feeling the cold." So do I - I despise the cold, but why don't you tell us about the cold? "Dude, it's fucking cold air. It sucks and it's annoying." That's all well and good mind you, but does it have chills roll up your back, or the hair on your arms stand straight up? Are your hands red and numb, and are you simply frozen when you tuck yourself into bed?

When I was younger, my grandmother would always bother me because I wasn't wearing a heavy enough jacket. It could be the middle of summer and she'd ask me, "Aren't you freezing without a jacket?" I'd say, "Mom-mom, your you're old, shut up." Just joking. I would just omit those last two lines. I would always say no, and wonder to myself why exactly was it that no matter the season, no matter how many layers I had on, whether I had gloves on, or a hat, it didn't matter. She would still ask me whether or not I was cold. After living in the apartment from hell (frozen over), I've come to understand why it was that she would always ask me if I was warm enough, put a colon here its it's because the cold sucks. It seems like after all of her years on this earth, after experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotion, and even living to talk about talk about what?, she has concluded that nothing is worse than feeling cold. Maybe old people aren't that stupid after all.

This paragraph sort of isn't very relevant to anything. I truly doubt your grandmother actually did such a thing, and if she did so it was only because she didn't wish for you to get sick. Your way of thinking is nice too, but the paragraph is sloppy and introduces and unnecessary character (your grandmother). I would suggest cutting it.

Why is it that when I walk down the street to go to class, or the library, or to go buy some pot, I pass so many beautiful girls. question mark, not a period It doesn't make any sense. God invented college so that he could put a bunch of hormonally driven young adults in one area and see all the stupid shit they can do. I think he most likely suprised surprised himself. Sometimes I'll picture myself going up to one of those girls and saying, "Hi, my names Ethan. I think I have a decent heart, and thats that's more than I can say for most the people in this city. We should get to know each other," But that would be crazy. Sometimes I'll imagine one of those pretty girls stopping to tell me she's in my Lectures in Literature class and would really like to get to know me. She likes my comments from class. Then I see us together drinking coffee and doing all the cliche 'getting to know each other' bullshit, and eventually she will start hanging out with my friends. They actually like her, can you believe that. question mark, not a period She's so sensitive and intelligent, and beautiful, and beautiful did you notice you repeated beautiful twice?. I can smell her perfume on my jacket after she hugs me. Alright, I'll cut the crap. Fuck that. This is how it will probably happen...

Why is it that you just totally jumped into a new topic without any transition whatsoever? We know you like to rant and complain about life, but give us fair warning about when you're going to start hating on the cold and when you're going to start hating on your love life.

I think you should shorten this paragraph to one that gets to the point. Get into detail about your fantasy, but make it short and sweet. And you have to read over what you write! "I pass so many beautiful girls, and it doesn't make any sense." What doesn't make any sense? The fact that the sentence ended indicates your thought is completed, therefore the fact that you pass so many beautiful girls doesn't many any sense? Are you surprised that the world contains attractive women or something? I like the God and the hormonally driven young adult bit, though =] That made me laugh. Anyway, shorten the paragraph. You should be able to see what's needed and what's too much.

I'm at a party, and as I'm walking to the keg to get myself another beer, I see the most stunning Indian girl I've ever seen. The cup reflecting off her eyes makes it look like there is a fire burning behind them. We catch each others glances and walk towards one another like magnets, and this is beyond our control. I say, "Your beautiful." She says, "No, you are." We begin to kiss, and before I know it I am following her up the stairs in a complete strangers house. She says she has to pee, but the line to the bathroom is too long. She walks to the closest door, which happens to be a storage room, asks me to wait and minute, and pees right on the fucking floor.

Interesting. Why Indian? And why did you make her pee on the floor? No sensible, hygienic female would never do anything like that, trust me. This scenario is an imaginary one, but you give your readers false hope and make us wonder, "Who is this Indian girl? She seems so interesting. What's her name? What's she like?" I would recommend not ending this story with your sad story about Maya and going on about these other girls you've invented. Isn't this what fiction is all about?

I'm New at college, freshman year. Sitting in a small seminar for first year students. comma, no period I see a girl across the table from me, try a dash here (-) I feel like I know her already. Her eyes are so big. Her name is Maya. We talk after class because she was in Israel for a year, and my friend is there now and is doing the same program she did. I cannot stop thinking about her. I call her to hang out, and we become best friends. She will never kiss me. She finally does once, but just because I helped clean up her roommates vomit from carpet after we were all drinking heavily at the hooka bar. She kisses me again while dancing at a party a month later. I kiss her in my room after drinking too much together sometime during the winter. She didn't remember walking home that night. I tell her I love her, I think I really do. Its not the right time for her. She is the most perfect girl for me, and I know it. The year ends, and she decides to go back to israel capitalize Israel, this time indefinatly indefinitely. I haven't seen her since.

I still think about her as I sit in my fucking freezing apartment and think about why I'm still alone. I blame the cold. The cold sucks.

Aw, that's sad.
I would go into further detail, but my mom wants me to get off the computer.
I enjoyed it, I did, but I would like you to go further without telling us about Maya. It was the entire point of the story, but it would seem so much more intriguing if you even just told us more about Maya.
If you don't want to, then just edit this =]
Keep writing!
~*Sara*~

Surprisingly I actually get this
Sure mi brain is messed up and has a weird logic
but hey wat can i do?

Ok most people went through the nitpicks
my major thing is that at the beginning wen u start with ur first relationship story
u need to makee it clearer that it isnt the truth.
well i liked this and it has some major potential
this was good cause its a different take on a love story
and I <3 any sort of weird offbeat romance story
so good job
improve it cause its got some major potential!

L8r

K A M A S

Wow. Uhm. It's a nice idea and all, but the way you wrote is is a tad past the line of confusing. "This is how I want it to go." "This is how it should go." "This is how it really goes." No. Just no. It's very, VERY, confusing, to say the least.

But like I said, very nice idea, good plot, nice beginning. You should use italics for his thoughts and have "the way I wish it would go" in his thoughts instead of spillnig it all out in confusing worded paragraphs.

First of all, I'd just like to make this clear, i thoroughly enjoyed it. I can see why some may have thought it to be confusing, but i understood it throughout. To me it came across as a guy who had a very vivid imagination and was possibly trying to get Maya out of his head, oh and the cold! The other thing i enjoyed was the fact that you DID use swear words but didn't make the mistake of overusing them as others do. The only negative that comes to mind is that the girl pissed on a closet door? Now i don't want to speak for all the females out there, but i know I wouldn't do something like that, but then others might, so you could possibly do some research on that :L
The only thing that sort of confused me was how you went from remembering a memory of his grandmother to how he wanted to date this attractive girl from his college? I think that you could develop on the grandmother memories, because i thought you did a great job on that, and if you decide to keep the other "dreams" (that's what I'll call them) then i would advise you to also elaborate on them, but also make sure the reader knows that they are in fact just "dreams". Apart from that, i really enjoyed it and was laughing throughout (i hope you want the reader to laugh). That's all really(:

eman315151 wrote:I live in a small Comma here shitty apartment. It gets so cold in the winter that I avoid showering for fear that my testicles might freeze to the side of my leg. I've called my landlord like, a billion times, and he still hasn't come to fix the god damn Normally its spelt in a single word: goddamn, but I guess there's no proper word for this heater. I hate feeling cold.

When I was younger my grandmother would always bother me because I wasn't wearing a heavy Shouldn't it be 'thick' not 'heavy'? enough jacket. It could be the middle of summer and she'd ask me, "Aren't you freezing without a jacket?" I'd say, "Mom-mom, your old, shut up." Haha, mom-mom. 'Your' should be 'you're' Just joking. I would always say no, and wonder to myself why exactly was it that no matter the season, no matter how many layers I had on, whether I had gloves on, or a hat, it didn't matter. She would still ask me whether or not I was cold. After living in the apartment from hell (frozen over) I don't think that the brackets are necessary here, I've come to understand why it was that she would always ask me if I was warm enough, its because the cold sucks. It seems You're switching tense. It 'seemed'. like after all of her years on this earth, after experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotion, and even living to talk about it, she has concluded that nothing is worse than feeling cold Stick to past tense: 'had concluded that nothing was worse'. Maybe old people aren't that stupid after all. <---Well, this is an opinion, but it is disrespectful nonetheless.

Why is it that when I walk down the street to go to class I think you mean school. You don't exactly walk down streets, but school hallways instead, to ge to class. Unless you mean something like an outside Art class, or the library, or to go buy some pot, I pass so many beautiful girls. It doesn't make any sense. God invented college so that he could put a bunch of hormonally driven Put a hyphen between the hormonally driven part. young adults in one area and see all the stupid shit they can do. I think he most likely suprised himself Well, this is 'God' we are talking about so it would be best if you capitalised 'He' and 'Himself', but this is just my opinion. Sometimes I'll Past tense: I'd picture myself going up to one of those girls and saying, "Hi, my names Apostrophe 's' Ethan. I think I have a decent heart, and thats Again, apostrophe 's' more than I can say for most the people in this city. We should get to know each other Comma here" But that would be crazy. Sometimes I'll imagine one of those pretty girls stopping to tell me she's in my Lectures in Literature class and would really like to get to know me. Join this sentence with one before it by removing the full-stop and replace with 'as' She likes my comments from class. Then I see Picture, not see. See implies that it is truly happening us together drinking coffee and doing all the cliche Past tense: clichéd, and the 'e' is special. 'getting to know each other' bullshit, <--This seems to contradict your 'decent heart' and right now, the impression you have given me about the MC (which seems to be referring to yourself somewhat) is that he is a very coarse person. eventually she will Would start hanging out with my friends. They actually like her They would actually like her (remember, this is all figurative. It is not really happening and it should furthermore, be in past tense. I'd suggest, if you plan to edit this, read it over again and watch out for any tense errors.), can you believe that. She's so sensitive and intelligent, and beautiful, and beautiful. I can smell her perfume on my jacket after she hugs me. Alright, I'll cut the crap. Fuck that. This is how it will probably happen... <--Well, this whole paragraph about the MC's imagination gets rather confusing, and easy to mess up the tenses.

I'm at a party and as I'm walking to the keg to get myself another beer, I see the most stunning Indian girl I've ever seen. The cup reflecting off her eyes makes it look like there is a fire burning behind them. We catch each others glances and walk towards one another like magnets, this is beyond our control. I say, "Your beautiful." She says, "No, you are." We begin to kiss and before I know it I am following her up the stairs in a complete strangers Apostrophe! house. She says she has to pee, but the line to the bathroom is too long. She walks to the closest door, which happens to be a storage room, asks me to wait and minute, and pees right on the fucking floor. <--strange paragraph, wrong tense again, and the last bit of this paragraph..is disturbing and in my opinion, that strong use of cursing isn't really needed for emphasis. Something lighter word would do the trick just as well.

We get to the room. She's so fine, so sexy, a real women One woman, many women. Use singular, not plural. This sentence is just plain weird. I try to forget the fact that she had just pissed in some dude's closet because this girl is like nothing I've ever seen before. I've never been with an Indian girl <---Sounds...a tad offensive/shallow? . She asks if I have protection, I say no, I wasn't planning on this. She says that its okay because she's on birth control. She asks me if I'm clean, I say yes. Then I think to myself.... this girl just kissed me and after no more than 4 spell out the number words, asked me to come upstairs with her, she pissed in the closet, and now she wants to have unprotected sex. She doesn't even know my name, I don't think this is such a good idea. I know I'm clean, but this girl was probably as clean as that floor in the closet.
It could happen like that. Or it could happen like this.... Tenses again.

Eh, how many 'fantasies' are you going to cough up? It starts to get boring and draggy after a while, as if you're beating around the bush, especially if you're just going to get even more explicit with his thoughts My friend tells me that the girl from psych Capitalise and spell in full if you mean Psychology class that I sit next to everyday and smoke a cigarette before and after the class with wants to sleep with me. She just wants it. No strings attached. Well, instead of studying at her place together like we had planned, we end up drinking a bottle of wine <--where? At her place? It would be inconsistent. And they have not reached the party yet. Walking and drinking wine would be weird. If it was at the party where they drank, beer would be more appropriate. Wine is expensive and parties usually include booze, not wine, then going to a party down the hall hosted by the football team, and before I knew it we were in bed together comma naked. Problem was, my tools were not working. There was no cooperation happening between me and my tools. I was panicing Panicking, this normally doesn't happen, maybe shes Apostrophe!! not hot enough, maybe I'm just loosing my ability to get boners. Maybe it's because of that Aderoel i Capitalise the 'i' took to help me study. Fuck. After I can't get my junk to function, she asks me to leave. We don't sit next to each other next class Repetitive term is used in once sentence. Try to avoid that and replace it with a synonym of 'next'. I wonder why. I blame it on the Aderoel.
This is how the story really goes.... <---What? You lead us through a series of too-much-information fantasies and now you tell us what really happened? Like I've mentioned, beating around the bush is only good when done tastefully, which in this case, is not.

New at college, freshman year. Sitting in a small seminar for first year students. I see a girl across the table from me, I feel like I know her already. Her eyes are so big. Her name is Maya. We talk after class because she was in Israel for a year, and my friend is there now and is <--remove 'and is' and substitue with a comma doing the same program she did. I cannot stop thinking about her. I call her to hang out, and we become best friends. She will never kiss me. She finally does once, but just because I helped clean up her roommates Apostrophe!!! vomit from carpet after we were all drinking heavily at the hooka bar <--rephrase: I helped clean up her classmate's/classmates'(plural) vomit from the carpet after all that heavy drinking at the hooka[not sure what this is, but of its a name, then it should be capitalised] bar. She kisses me again <--hold up a minute: First you say she will never kiss you, then you say once, then another and now a third time you're kissing. Inconsistent while dancing at a party a month later. I kiss her <--again. in my room after drinking too much together sometime during the winter. She didn't remember walking home that night. I tell her I love her, Separate into 2 sentences I think I really do. Its not the right time for her. She is the most perfect girl for me, and I know it <--previously you used 'think' to imply a hint of doubt, uncertainty but now you're sure of it?. The year ends, and she decides to go back to israel Always capitalise any country's name, this time indefinatly Indefinitely. I haven't seen her since. <--vague ending to your relationship. Ever kept in touch?

I still think about her as I sit in my fucking freezing apartment and think about why I'm still alone. I blame the cold. The cold sucks. <--Uhh, it is an interesting and somewhat 'artistic' way to end off, but I don't entirely comprehend it.

Three things to look out for especially:
1) Tense. You like to switch.
2) Capitalise properly.
3) Add in the necessary apostrophies.
4) Don't beat around the bush unecessarily. There should be some meaning and significance behind it, or else it would just become superfluous.
You seem to have a particular, fairly interesting writing style here,
But nothing really conveys real romance here.
I don't normally fancy these kinds of explicit, vulgar-languaged stories so I cannot make much of a detailed review of the plot.
Keep working on your writing and you'll improve!

~Meep(: