Untitled

A/N: I had a word limit on this. It's supposed to be a short essay for school, dramatically reflecting a real, recent, horrifying event. (I totally know how to make stuff a lot less scarier than it really is!)


It was quiet. Tension danced in the air, raising the hairs on the necks of those who hid, huddled in the corners. They knew it was coming. They knew there was no escape. But they hoped. For escape. For anything.

Then it came, ripping through the air, loud and merciless. Screams followed, remaining unheard in the screech of the flying missile. Debris rained down, burying them in dust and rubble.

A single explosion followed, and then another. Silence.

The cries of wounded survivors break the silence, but there's no one to hear them.

Why?

Across the barren rubble-sprinkled fields, the tanks sat. And behind their metal walls, the predators wait for the fires to die to steal the remnants of possessions that belonged to the ones they've murdered.

^_^ Hello. I don't know how much you'll be able to expand this, as I don't know your word count limit or how much this current piece is shy of it, but I'll just make suggestions as if you could expand anywhere and you can take what you will. ^_^ I also don't know if it was required for the essay to be clear about what it was describing, but I have no clear idea about yours, as it seems it has probably happened many times throughout history.

It was quiet. Tension danced in the air, raising the hairs on the necks of those who hid, huddled in the corners. They knew it was coming. They knew there was no escape. But they hoped. For escape. For anything.

The use of short sentences can definitely heighten tension, but I think they are a bit over-used in this passage. For example, you might say 'They knew there was no escape, but still they hoped -- for escape. For anything.' I like the image of tension dancing and raising the hairs on individuals' necks, though! That is very well-written.

Then it came, ripping through the air, loud and merciless. Screams followed, remaining unheard in the screech of the flying missile. Debris rained down, burying them in dust and rubble.

What is 'it'? I know that vague descriptions build tension because you're always thirsting to know what the heck it's about in the end, but I think you could be afford to be a bit more specific, or at least more descriptive, here. I don't think that you need the word 'remaining' and you might want to replace 'in the screech' with 'over the screech'? Also, the 'them' in the third line seems to refer to the 'screams' that you were just speaking about, so you might want to clarify.

A single explosion followed, and then another. Silence.

Wasn't the first explosion the 'single explosion'? I mean, if any of the explosions were to be called 'single', it would be the first, not knowing that more were coming. I do, however, love your use of the single word at the end of this line. ^_^ It's very powerful!

Across the barren rubble-sprinkled fields, the tanks sat. And behind their metal walls, the predators wait for the fires to die to steal the remnants of possessions that belonged to the ones they've murdered.

Most glaring in this sentence is the tense change between the present tense of the rest of the story and the 'sat' {past tense} of the first sentence in this passage. I would take out 'and', begin the second sentence with 'Behind', and also ponder upon why anyone would expend so much energy for only 'remnants' of possessions?

A great start! The things you might want to elaborate on for creative purposes might be: the possessions which the 'murderers' are stealing, the sequence of events/explosion, and a bit more about the first explosion -- what 'it' is.

Good work though! ^_^ Good luck~

Hey June!

It was quiet

.
This line is EPIC no. XD Just kidding, Maybe you could say, "Silence lived in the air, no one dared breath." Maybe?

Tension [s]danced[/s] in the air

Filled? Floated? Exploded? Just a Nit-pick, sorry.


,

raising the hairs on the necks of those who hid, huddled in the corners.

This line doesn't flow. Maybe, "raising the hairs on the back of people's necks as they crowded in a dark corner."

They knew it was coming. They knew there was no escape. But they hoped. For escape

.
Feeling poetic June? XD Your repititon of 'They' was no good here? Yeah, you only used it twice, but the lines were short. I'm probably guilty of it myself though. (Nit pick.)

Then it came, ripping through the air, loud and merciless. Screams followed, remaining unheard in the screech of the flying missile. Debris rained down, burying them in dust and rubble.

All of a sudden they hear a missle? Maybe you should say in the beginning that they hear a low whizzing noise, and throughout make it louder until BAM!

A single explosion followed, and then another. Silence.

I don't think a perfect silence would be swept over. More groans would be in there. Things would be burning. Crackling. But i see this was budgeted on words. (For the Grade) But maybe you could expand now?





I liked this June! It was nothing phenomonal, but I liked it none the less. ^^
I think you should really expand on this, make it a short story?


My pleasure,


---Jon---

Hey June,

thought I'd review something of yours. =)

This was rather short, even for a short piece, however you managed to create a constant air of fear and not explicit violence, but danger and threat in the undercurrent. -- Good job for creating the mood.

I rather liked your imagery and the dancing of the tension, although it is somewhat of an antithesis, for dancing is happy and tension is not. I personally liked it, though.

Some small Stuff

But they hoped. For escape. For anything.

Judging by the italics, I assume that this is supposed to create a climax. However, I think it would be a lot more effective, if you'd add another sentence. I'd make it parallel to the other two and climax the desperation, for escape is still somewhat rational and anything is desperate. Your parallelism would add more to the desired effect and your climax would build up more tension of the dramatic sort you're looking for.

A single explosion followed, and then another. Silence.

I'd think about whether the italics are necessary. They do their job well, but perhaps your sentence is strong enough to go without. That's up to you though.

The other thing is that I am absolutely allergic to "and then"s. Here it somewhat kills your dramatic effect in my eyes. However, they make me shudder in general, so maybe I'm biased.


That's all I have to complain. This is a neat short piece and I enjoyed your style.

All the best, keep going,

~Kalli

I'm assuming this is about Hamas? Very good. Nice emotion, but I think you could have really emphasized the fear factor.

[quote=]Tension danced in the air[/quote]

Nice! I really love this line.


[quote=]The cries of wounded survivors break the silence, but there's no one to hear them. [/quote]

You mix up your tenses hear. The story's in past tense, but here, you switch to present. You've got to stay consistent.


[quote=]And behind their metal walls, the predators wait for the fires to die to steal the remnants of possessions that belonged to the ones they've murdered.[/quote]

First of all, comma between die and to. And again, you switch up your tenses.


Where you use italics, you don't need them, except perhaps when you ask "Why?"

Overall, it was really good.

Hey June,

I haven't talked to you in like forever. I liked this peice alot. I didn't find anything wrong with it---keep writing. I felt scared every second I was reading it. Great Job.

springrain2693 wrote:A/N: I had a word limit on this. It's supposed to be a short essay for school, dramatically reflecting a real, recent, horrifying event. (I totally know how to make stuff a lot less scarier than it really is!)


It was quiet. Tension danced in the air, raising the hairs on the necks of those who hid, huddled in the corners. They knew it was coming. They knew there was no escape. But they hoped. For escape. For anything.

Then it came, ripping through the air, loud and merciless. Screams followed, remaining unheard in the screech of the flying missile. Debris rained down, burying them in dust and rubble.

A single explosion followed, and then another. Silence.

The cries of wounded survivors break the silence, but there's no one to hear them.

Why?

Across the barren rubble-sprinkled fields, the tanks sat. And behind their metal walls, the predators wait for the fires to die to steal the remnants of possessions that belonged to the ones they've murdered.

I thought it was about a war? What is the Hamas?

I'm assuming this is about Hamas? Very good. Nice emotion, but I think you could have really emphasized the fear factor.

When I say 'What is the Hamas?", I'm talking about what this person said.