Town of Dissident

Town of Dissident
Act 1: Scene IV

Characters involved:
Kanen- town affairs supervisor.
Governor- man appointed to supervise the area.

(Scene fades in on the Governor scanning over an array of paperwork. He scribbles ferociously at one particular piece of parchment, then frustrated, thrashes at the many rolls of parchment until his desktop is clear. There is a quick tapping at the door, and Kanen bustles in. He greets the Governor then pulls a chair lying by the room’s fireplace closer to the leader’s desk. He brings a sense of urgency to the seen.)

Governor: Tension clings to you as a mother to her infant, what troubles thee Kanen?

Kanen: What bother me you ask? [He slams his hands on the desk, and leans in towards the calm governor.] Fool, do you think this no more than game?

Governor: If a purpose exists for your intrusion then speak. You, comrade, must know among all others what becomes of them who waste their elder’s seconds in this world.

Kanen: [Pauses, eyeing the governor’s obscured hands.] ‘Tis the matter of the woodcutter.

Governor: [Laughing.] What of him? Does he pose threat to town business?

Kanen: A full cycle of the moon has passed, and even with persistent motivation he still cries tales of knowing Kas.

Governor: [Suddenly completely solemn.] Kas? Daughter of Brindel?

Kanen: Aye, the same. An increased amount of knowledge come I by, and all seems to cry out to me to suppose the worst.

Governor: Letters, does he know the pen?

Kanen: Aye, he could be a scholar if his passion directed him down such a path. I have allowed him seven sheets. Haste, and quality are among the penmanship.

Governor: I car not for the quality, but the information. Did he know the beggar?

Kanen: Proclaim he many a day that his relations were not greater than most with the man. The letters lay clean of code, Governor. The boy is innocent.

Governor: Nothing? Pity. I take pleasure in apprehending the enemy. Brindel surely will mourn no more for this boy, than he does for the death of his tax collector.

(There is a long silence, the Governor seems to think the conversation is over. Kanen watches him, waiting for a reply.)

Kanen: What of the boy then?

Governor: [Laughs.] A woodcutter imprisoned. The boy, reported you, was not of expertise in his skill. He will go unmissed by much. Accuse him of treason, the guillotine will fall before noon tomorrow.

Kanen: What if Brindel proves to desire his bail?

Governor: [Silent.] If the boy proves loved by Kas then she will surely shrivel before sees him beheaded. Brindel’s wrath cannot be kindled. Transfer the boy. Do away with him to the capital, and be sure his containment is of high regard.

Kanen: It is done. [Makes to leave, then he glimpses the paperwork strewn over the floor. His eyes fall on one in particular, he crouches and then begins to read it as he stands up again. The Governor rips it from his hands, his face calm.] Surely, they must_!

Governor: Leave. Now.

(Kanen hesitates, then turns and hurries through the door. Scene fades out.)

^_^ Hiii, I'm Hannah! I stopped by just to offer a few comments. First off: first impressions. I get the feeling there is a LOT of back-story to this scene, which makes some of the inferences hard to understand. If you haven't already, elaborate on this story with a bit of what comes before. Otherwise you'll need to cleverly expand on the description of the situation in this single excerpt. ^_^

There is a quick tapping at the door, and Kanen bustles in. He greets the Governor then pulls a chair lying by the room’s fireplace closer to the leader’s desk. He brings a sense of urgency to the seen.)

A few grammatical errors to fix in this sentence. First of all, I'd suggest making 'Kanen bustles in' into its own sentence. There's no need for eloquence in the stage directions, I don't think. Also, I believe a comma is necessary after 'Governor' and you should take a second look at the spelling of 'scene' at the end of this passage.

Governor: Tension clings to you as a mother to her infant, what troubles thee Kanen?

Kanen: What bother me you ask? [He slams his hands on the desk, and leans in towards the calm governor.] Fool, do you think this no more than game?

I think the Governor's line should be two separate sentences, and I don't think it's quite moving for Kanen to repeat the question -- surely it was clearly posed? Also, you might want to add 'a' between 'than' and 'game'. ^_^

Governor: If a purpose exists for your intrusion then speak. You, comrade, must know among all others what becomes of them who waste their elder’s seconds in this world.

A comma is needed after intrusion, and you should replace 'them' with 'those'.

Kanen: Aye, the same. An increased amount of knowledge come I by, and all seems to cry out to me to suppose the worst.

Many of the lines in this part of the piece seem VERY confusingly built. I understand you're going for a different type of tone and syntax, but you still need to make the meaning clear. Especially in this line, saying 'come I by' just makes a farce of your attempts to make the speakers sound sophisticated.

Kanen: Proclaim he many a day that his relations were not greater than most with the man. The letters lay clean of code, Governor. The boy is innocent.

Though the first part of this line is confusing, I do love the second sentence. It's clear, but keeps the tone you're going for. Good work. ^_^

Governor: [Silent.] If the boy proves loved by Kas then she will surely shrivel before sees him beheaded. Brindel’s wrath cannot be kindled. Transfer the boy. Do away with him to the capital, and be sure his containment is of high regard.

The hesitation and change of the Governor's decision is confusing, because this pivotal sentence does NOT provide the reason for the change clearly enough. Try to rework it. Also, you might have meant 'standard' or 'quality' rather than 'regard'.

It's a confusing piece and needs a lot of work, but the potential definitely shines through! Keep at it!