The Strangest Hero EDIT: more added

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I rated this R just to be on the safe side... I'm pretty sure that there will be material in here worth an R rating but I'm not quite sure yet. Please read and review! There will be many twists and turns to the story so please give it a chance! Thanks guys! :)

September 8th, 2006, the first time I walked down the hallways as a senior. I had my two best friends by my side, Heather and Ashley. We have been inseparable since 2nd grade. We ran our group of friends, we ran our grade, and now that we were seniors, we ran the entire school. Its moments like these that kids wait for their entire lives. Walking through the doors of Glowdin High School as a freshman there was so much that was unknown. So much ahead of me but now I was right where I wanted to be and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I had the best boyfriend in the world (and the cutest at that). He was Parker Redwood and he was the star basketball player, and of course he would be, he was 6’ 2’’ and fast! I walk up to my usual group of friends and we mingle with each other. We talk about how we spent our last few days of summer and show off tan lines and our new back-to-school designer bags. Of course I got mine in the heart of designer bag world, New York City. My family took our usual summer trip there to get my brother and I new clothes for school. I’m talking with everyone and showing off my new shoes when I feel arms grab me from behind. I smile because I know exactly who it is.
“Parker!” I give him a big kiss just to remind any other girl who had their eye on him that he is indeed still mine. Despite all the rumors that while I was in NYC I found some hot upper-east sider and we had a quickie in the bathroom of the Ritz I was staying at, we were still together and going strong.
“Hey baby, I missed you while you were gone.” He smiled that irresistible smile and his white teeth glowed through his freshly tanned skin. I ran my fingers through his short curly brown hair and noticed some golden highlights in it. He looked ultra sexy.
“Mmm I miss you too! So much, but now I’m home and I’m all yours!”
“Good ‘cause I have something special planned for you and I tonight to celebrate your homecoming.”
“Parker I was gone a week.”
“A week too long. Be at my house at seven ok? I gotta get to homeroom, see you at lunch?”
“Of course.” He gave me a quick kiss and walked off. I saw his cute perfect butt in his new jeans and couldn’t help but smile. Heather waved her hand in front of my face to snap me out of my trance.
“Kelly, hello! You ready to go to homeroom? I don’t wanna be stuck with a front row seat.”
“Heather, we’re in homeroom for 5 minutes, does it really matter what seat we have?”
“Yes now let’s go.” She took me by my arm and dragged me into our new homeroom. Mr. Watercraft was just as much of a tool as his name made him sound. He wore a different color plaid suit everyday, until he ran out and started all over again. He called off name after name but all I could think about was my night with Parker. I could only imagine what he had planned for us.
As the day drew to a close I walked out to my locker to gather my things. Parker was there waiting for me with a huge smile on his face. I knew he was up to something but I wasn’t sure yet. He didn’t say a word to me; he just stood there staring with a goofy look on his face. We walked out to the parking lot hand-in-hand and still hadn’t said a word to each other.
“OK Parker, what’s going on? You’re being really weird.”
“I’m still planning” He looked at me with a smirk on his face, “and you know me with multi-tasking. Look tonight is going to be awesome OK? Just trust me, be at my house at 7 sharp and you’ll understand. I love you, drive safe.” He gave me a quick kiss and went off to his car. I stood there bewildered at his very odd behavior. In the three years we’d been dating not once has he been this distant but yet so excited. If he was going to propose I’d lose it. No way was I getting engaged at 18, this was crazy. I waited impatiently for my brother to get out of class before I went to go home and prepare for tonight. As soon as I arrived home I looked for something to wear. My closet was full of designer clothes, nice dresses, cute shirts and nice pants but nothing seemed good enough for this supposed “amazing” night. I needed major BFF help.
“Heather, call Ashley for me and please, please, please come over. I have wardrobe issues and this is a major 911.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes babe!”
“Ahh thank you so much. I love you, you’re my life saver.”
I figured I should narrow my choices down a bit before Heather and Ashley got here. I laid out my best pair of jeans and my new black top with an attached necklace, a small black dress, a plaid skirt with red lines in it with a cute red top to match. I wasn’t sure how casual this night was going to be, hence not being able to find the perfect outfit. Just like clock work I hear Heather and Ashley walking up the steps to my room.
“Guys! Oh my goodness, thank you so much! OK so Parker has this huge amazing night planned for us, I have no idea what he has planned but he’s being really weird about it. After school he couldn’t even talk to me because he said he was ‘planning things in his mind.’ I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean! I’m totally freaking out and on top of that I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear!”
“OK girl relax here! Me and Heather are here to help.”
“Yeah, Kel relax a minute. Now no girl can go wrong with a simple black dress. I mean jeans seem to simple and a skirt too provocative. So since you have one of the most fashionable closets in all of Palm Beach and probably in all of Florida, this shouldn’t be too hard.” She rummaged through my closet until she pulled out a small, short sleeve, tight fitting black dress. It was perfect and I knew as soon as she showed it to me that it was what I needed to wear.
Seven o’clock came way to soon! I was not prepared for what was ahead of me. Maybe I was just over reacting and being dramatic, I have a tendency to do that. The drive over to Parker’s house seemed to take forever. When I finally arrived I slowly brought myself up to the door and knocked on it lightly. The door opened and there stood Parker, his hair gelled into perfect short curls, wearing a dress shirt and black pants. He looked amazing.
“Wow Kelly, you look beautiful, absolutely stunning.”
“Thanks Park, you look pretty nifty too.” He smiled at me and welcomed me into his house. As I looked around I saw candles lit around his dining room. His house is so nice, it’s even bigger and better than mine. There was dinner made and set at the table which had two small candles lit on it as well.
“Parker, this is incredible.”
“You deserve incredible.”
“You’re not proposing to me Parker, are you?”
“Wow, you really know how to ruin a moment, but no, I’m not crazy! I just want to have a nice night with my girlfriend is that so hard to ask?”
“Not at all.” I leaned up and gave him a sweet passionate kiss.
“Let’s eat.” We sat down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner and talked about my New York trip and he talked about his rising surfing career and the upcoming basketball season. Things were perfect, just how I imagined it. OK well not just how, I figured by now he’d be down on his knee begging for me to say yes. I must say though, this was better. After dinner we went to his room to watch a movie, he rented all kinds of cheesy romantic chick-flicks but in the end we decided on Top Gun, always a classic. We sat in each other’s arms and laughed along to Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. I had the best boyfriend ever and there was nothing in the world that could change that. After the movie was over Parker turned off the TV and laid next to me.
“You are the most beautiful girl in the world, you know that?”
“It’s been mentioned before.” Parker looked at me with shock. "I’m just kidding babe, you know you’re the only man for me.” He smiled and gave me a passionate kiss. This kiss slowly turned into more and before I knew it we were taking each other’s clothes off. We shared a sweet intimate moment together, but unlike other times this time felt special. I could truly feel the love he had for me.
“I love you Parker Jonathan Redwood.”
“Mmm and I love you Kelly Brianne Foster, with all my heart.”
“What was the deal with tonight?”
“I told you I just wanted a romantic evening with my lovely girlfriend.”
“No, that’s not it, there’s more, I can tell.”
“What makes you think that.”
“I don’t know you just seem weird, different or something. I can’t put my finger on it.”
“OK, truth is, Connor told me something.”
“Connor? And you believed something Connor said?”
“I don’t know, he told me that if your girlfriend cheated on you that you’d be able to tell because, well, the sex would be different.”
“Woah, wait a minute, you had me come over here because you believed all the stupid rumors going around about me that I cheated on you in New York? So you tried to swoon me with romance so I’d have sex with you so you could use some sex test idea that you got from Connor?? A guy that hasn’t matured since 5th grade?”
“No, Kel, it’s not like that!”
“No Parker, it’s exactly like that! I thought you were better than that. I thought you’d trust me and have faith in me that I love you and only you and that I would never cheat on you. Apparently I thought wrong.” I got up and quickly dressed myself and ran for the door. I could hear Parker running behind me.
“Kelly wait, can we talk about this?”
“No Parker we can’t. It’s too late for that; we should have talked about how you didn’t believe me and we should have talked about how you felt when I got home, instead of you playing mind games with me. But it’s too late now Parker, you had all night to talk to me about this but you chose not to.” I left his house and sped off in my car. I was so furious with him. How could he use me like that?? Why didn’t he believe me?? I mean yeah, I’ll admit, I’m skinny and I’m pretty, I have long blonde hair and big blue eyes. That might make me attractive to other guys but I would NEVER cheat on Parker! I love him, or at least I thought I did.




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Points 1057
Reviews 9
I liked this, it was good, you kept the storyline progressing well and it was well written.
I have a few issues though, the last dramatic speech bit didn't really do it for me, i think you need to add in some more actions instead of just dialogue, it would have a better impact in my view.
Secondly, the tittle isn't really reflecting the plot of the story though, but i am guessing that it will make sense later on right?

anyway, i'm not very good with grammer so i will leave it to someone else to do more throughly then i could, so overall a good piece, a few things here and there which need checking on but other than that good job, keep up the good work!

much love
ichigo
xx




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Just a heads up. bold is my own personal comments and red is my corrections
September 8th 2006 was the first time I walked down the hallways as a senior. I had my two best friends by my side, Heather and Ashley. We have been inseparable since 2nd grade. We ran our group of friends, we ran our grade, and now that we were seniors, we ran the entire school. Its moments like these that kids wait for their entire lives. Walking through the doors of Glowdin High School as a freshman there was so much that was unknown. So much ahead of me but now I was right where I wanted to be and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I had the best boyfriend in the world (and the cutest at that). He was Parker Redwood and he was the star basketball player, and of course he would be, he was 6’ 2’’ and fast! I walk up to my usual group of friends and we mingle with each other. We talk about how we spent our last few days of summer and show off tan lines and our new back-to-school designer bags. Of course I got mine in the heart of designer bag world, New York City. My family took our usual summer trip there to get my brother and I new clothes for school. I’m talking with everyone and showing off my new shoes when I feel arms grab me from behind. I smile because I know exactly who it is. Try not to unload all of that information in the beginning. Try to show not tell and explain all that gradually when it is important to know. Otherwise good paragraph. There is no identifiable mistakes made except for one. I am interested to read more.

“Parker!” I give him a big kiss just to remind any other girl who had their eye on him that he is indeed still mine. Despite all the rumors that while I was in NYC I found some hot upper-east sider and we had a quickie in the bathroom of the Ritz I was staying at, we were still together and going strong. Again a lot of explaining but I did get a kick out of this. It made me chuckle. I think you might be able to explain what Parker looks like a bit more because I am indeed curious in what he looks like. All I know is that he is 6'2" and he is apart of the basketball team. And I do not know NYC very well, but I know for sure there is a hotel called the Ritz in Paris. I'm not sure if this is location mess up or there is indeed a hotel in NYC named the Ritz. Also, I have no idea if the Ritz is an expensive hotel like the one in Paris, because if indeed, people can infer that she is apart of a more well off family if they think as critically as me. You might want to explain more about the wealth of her family.

“Hey baby, I missed you while you were gone.” He smiled that irresistible smile and his white teeth glowed through his freshly tanned skin. This part bugs me a bit because when you say how it glowed through his tanned skin, I think of the glowing coming through his lips. I think you meant to explain about the contrast with the teeth and the skin. I ran my fingers through his short curly brown hair and noticed some golden highlights in it. He looked ultra sexy. Now this satisfies my thirst for description. I can see him in my minds eye perfectly now. You description is certainly improving.

“Mmm I miss you too! So much, but now I’m home and I’m all yours!”

“Good ‘cause I have something special planned for you (I took away the 'and I' just to let you know) tonight to celebrate your homecoming.”

“Parker I was only gone a week.”

“A week too long. Be at my house at seven okay Sorry, it is just a pet peeve of mine when people right 'ok' instead of the whole word. ? I gotta get to homeroom. See you at lunch?” With this dialogue, you could have given the reader a bit more detail of the expression in the voices or something like that. I would do that personally. It is good either way.

“Of course.” He gave me a quick kiss and walked off. I saw his cute perfect butt in his new jeans and couldn’t help but smile. Heather waved her hand in front of my face to snap me out of my trance.

“Kelly, hello! You ready to go to homeroom? I don’t wanna be stuck with a front row seat.”

“Heather, we’re in homeroom for 5 minutes, does it really matter what seat we have?”

“Yes! Now let’s go.” She took me by my arm and dragged me into our new homeroom. Mr. Watercraft was just as much of a tool as his name made him sound. He wore a different color plaid suit everyday, until he ran out and started all over again. He called off name after name but all I could think about was my night with Parker. I could only imagine what he had planned for us. Not bad. This part make you want to read on and gives the reader that sense of wanting to know what will happen with the night with Parker. It also gives them a chance to build their own suspicions about the follow up.

As the day drew to a close I walked out to my locker to gather my things. Parker was there waiting for me with a huge smile on his face. I knew he was up to something but I wasn’t sure yet. He didn’t say a word to me; he just stood there staring with a goofy look on his face. We walked out to the parking lot hand-in-hand and still hadn’t said a word to each other.

Okay Parker, what’s going on? You’re being really weird.”

“I’m still planning,” He looked at me with a smirk on his face, “And you know me with multi-tasking. Look tonight is going to be awesome Okay? Just trust me, be at my house at 7 sharp and you’ll understand. I love you, drive safe.” He gave me a quick kiss and went off to his car. I stood there bewildered at his very odd behavior. In the three years we’d been dating not once has he been this distant but yet so excited. If he was going to propose I’d lose it. No way was I getting engaged at 18, this was crazy. I waited impatiently for my brother to get out of class before I went to go home and prepare for tonight. As soon as I arrived home I looked for something to wear. My closet was full of designer clothes, nice dresses, cute shirts and nice pants but nothing seemed good enough for this supposed “amazing” night. I needed major BFF help. I'm not really, so you say, this type of girl, so I can't really connect with the 'major BFF help'. Not to be harsh or anything, but that just reminds me of Bratz dolls. Don't know why though. Otherwise, you got some information out without being to overbearing. I liked that paragraph.

“Heather, call Ashley for me and please, please, please come over. I have wardrobe issues and this is a major 911.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes babe!”

“Ahh thank you so much. I love you, you’re my life saver.”

I figured I should narrow my choices down a bit before Heather and Ashley got here. I laid out my best pair of jeans and my new black top with an attached necklace, a small black dress, a plaid skirt with red lines in it with a cute red top to match. I wasn’t sure how casual this night was going to be, hence not being able to find the perfect outfit. Just like clock work I hear Heather and Ashley walking up the steps to my room.

“Guys! Oh my goodness, thank you so much! Okay, so Parker has this huge amazing night planned for us; I have no idea what he has planned but he’s being really weird about it. After school he couldn’t even talk to me because he said he was ‘planning things in his mind.’ I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean! I’m totally freaking out and on top of that I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear!” Here you could describe her movements or her voice tone. To me, I personally hear it as frustrated or flustered.

Okay girl, please relax. Me and Heather are here to help.” It should be 'Heather and I' but nobody actually talks like that these days so I forgive you.

“Yeah, Kel relax a minute. Now no girl can go wrong with a simple black dress. I mean jeans seem to simple and a skirt too provocative. So since you have one of the most fashionable closets in all of Palm Beach and probably in all of Florida, this shouldn’t be too hard.” You probably should have mentioned the location earlier to make the setting more easier to imagine. She rummaged through my closet until she pulled out a small, short sleeve, tight fitting black dress. It was perfect and I knew as soon as she showed it to me that it was what I needed to wear. Personally, I would find the little black dress more provocative then a skirt. That's just my opinion.

Seven o’clock came way to soon! I was not prepared for what was ahead of me. Maybe I was just over reacting and being dramatic, I have a tendency to do that. I could tell that certainly by this point. The drive over to Parker’s house seemed to take forever. When I finally arrived, I slowly brought myself up to the door and knocked on it lightly. The door opened and there stood Parker, his hair gelled into perfect short curls, wearing a dress shirt and black pants. He looked amazing. With this paragraph, I think you could have added a little bit of more description to make it more interesting and to make sure you get it across what she is feeling and thinking.

“Wow Kelly, you look beautiful, absolutely stunning.”

“Thanks Park, you look pretty nifty too.” He smiled at me and welcomed me into his house. As I looked around I saw candles lit around his dining room. His house is so nice, it’s even bigger and better than mine. There was dinner made and set at the table which had two small candles lit on it as well. Does Parker live alone? You might want to mention this.

“Parker, this is incredible.”

“You deserve incredible.”

“You’re not proposing to me Parker, are you?”

“Wow, you really know how to ruin a moment, but no, I’m not crazy! I just want to have a nice night with my girlfriend is that so hard to ask?”

“Not at all.” I leaned up and gave him a sweet passionate kiss. You need to make it more obvious how she is feeling. Her heart is probably beating rapidly. She probably is incredibly nervous. But you need to mention this. She could be disappointed for all we know.

“Let’s eat.” We sat down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner What did they have? and talked about my New York trip and he talked about his rising surfing career and the upcoming basketball season. Things were perfect, just how I imagined it. Okay, well not just how, I figured by now he’d be down on his knee begging for me to say yes. I must say though, this was better. After dinner we went to his room to watch a movie, he rented all kinds of cheesy romantic chick-flicks but in the end we decided on Top Gun, always a classic. We sat in each other’s arms and laughed along to Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. I had the best boyfriend ever and there was nothing in the world that could change that. This is just adorable. I can connect with her there. After the movie was over Parker turned off the TV and laid next to me.

“You are the most beautiful girl in the world, you know that?”

“It’s been mentioned before.” Parker looked at me with shock. "I’m just kidding babe, you know you’re the only man for me.” He smiled and gave me a passionate kiss. This kiss slowly turned into more and before I knew it we were taking each other’s clothes off. We shared a sweet intimate moment together, but unlike other times this time felt special. I could truly feel the love he had for me. Interesting but predictable. You again could be more descriptive.

“I love you Parker Jonathan Redwood.” That is an epic name.

“Mmm and I love you Kelly Brianne Foster, with all my heart.”

“What was the deal with tonight?”

“I told you I just wanted a romantic evening with my lovely girlfriend.”

“No, that’s not it, there’s more, I can tell.”

“What makes you think that.”

“I don’t know you just seem weird, different or something. I can’t put my finger on it.”

“OK, truth is, Connor told me something.”

“Connor? And you believed something Connor said?” This has caught my attention. I have a sense of foreboding about this.

“I don’t know, he told me that if your girlfriend cheated on you that you’d be able to tell because, well, the sex would be different.”

“Woah, wait a minute, you had me come over here because you believed all the stupid rumors going around about me that I cheated on you in New York? So you tried to swoon me with romance so I’d have sex with you so you could use some sex test idea that you got from Connor? A guy that hasn’t matured since 5th grade?” OH THE DRAMA! Describe the frustration in her thoughts a bit more. Make sure that you can tell the ferocity coming from her.

“No, Kel, it’s not like that!”

“No Parker, it’s exactly like that! I thought you were better than that. I thought you’d trust me and have faith in me that I love you and only you and that I would never cheat on you. Apparently I thought wrong.” I got up and quickly dressed myself and ran for the door. I could hear Parker running behind me.

“Kelly wait, can we talk about this?”

“No Parker we can’t. It’s too late for that; we should have talked about how you didn’t believe me and we should have talked about how you felt when I got home, instead of you playing mind games with me. But it’s too late now Parker, you had all night to talk to me about this but you chose not to.” I left his house and sped off in my car. I was so furious with him. How could he use me like that? Why didn’t he believe me? I mean yeah, I’ll admit, I’m skinny and I’m pretty, I have long blonde hair and big blue eyes. That might make me attractive to other guys but I would NEVER cheat on Parker! I loved him, or at least I thought I did. There was an occurring problem of doubling your question marks. You developed a bit more on her thoughts here at the end.


Overall the piece was alright. I don't really feel compelled to read on. The ending too was a bit rushed I felt. I think you could have made it better by adding more description and more insight to her thoughts. That would make this piece fairly better. This story was fairly predictable and I found it a tiny bit cliche at some parts but I liked the ending sentence. I am a sap for angsty stories. I was really impressed with your grammar. Even though there was some tiny punctuation things wrong, there wasn't really and spelling mistakes. I was actually surprised. I am not much of a fan of the girl talk lingo that you used, but that is just me. Otherwise it was a good story. Just work on your description and you'll end up really good.

Sincerely
~Incognito Temptation
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'




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Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 34
September 8th, 2006, the first time I walked down the hallways as a senior. I had my two best friends by my side, Heather and Ashley. We have been inseparable since 2nd grade. We ran our group of friends, we ran our grade, and now that we were seniors, we ran the entire school. Its moments like these that kids wait for their entire lives. Walking through the doors of Glowdin High School as a freshman, there was so much that was unknown. So much ahead of me, but now I was right where I wanted to be and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I had the best boyfriend in the world (and the cutest at that). He was Parker Redwood and he was the star basketball player, and of course he would be, he was 6’ 2’’ and fast! I walk up to my usual group of friends and we mingle with each other. We talk about how we spent our last few days of summer and show off tan lines and our new back-to-school designer bags. Of course I got mine in the heart of designer bag world, New York City. My family took our usual summer trip there to get my brother and I new clothes for school. it should be: me new clothes for school. I’m talking with everyone and showing off my new shoes, when I feel arms grab me from behind. I smile because I know exactly who it is.

“Parker!” I give him a big kiss just to remind any other girl who had their eye on him that he is indeed still mine. Despite all the rumors that while I was in NYC I found some hot upper-east sider and we had a quickie in the bathroom of the Ritz I was staying at, we were still together and going strong.

“Hey baby, I missed you while you were gone.” He smiled that irresistible smile and his white teeth glowed through his freshly tanned skin. I ran my fingers through his short curly brown hair and noticed some golden highlights in it. He looked ultra sexy.

“Mmm I miss you too! So much, but now I’m home and I’m all yours!”

“Good ‘cause I have something special planned for you and I tonight to celebrate your homecoming.”

“Parker, I was gone a week.”

“A week too long. Be at my house at seven ok? OK I gotta get to homeroom, see you at lunch?”

“Of course.” He gave me a quick kiss and walked off. I saw his cute perfect butt in his new jeans and couldn’t help, but smile. Heather waved her hand in front of my face to snap me out of my trance.

“Kelly, hello! You ready to go to homeroom? I don’t wanna be stuck with a front row seat.”

“Heather, we’re in homeroom for 5 five should be spelled out minutes, does it really matter what seat we have?”

“Yes, now let’s go.” She took me by my arm and dragged me into our new homeroom. Mr. Watercraft was just as much of a tool as his name made him sound. He wore a different color plaid suit everyday, until he ran out and started all over again. He called off name after name, but all I could think about was my night with Parker. I could only imagine what he had planned for us.

As the day drew to a close, I walked out to my locker to gather my things. Parker was there waiting for me with a huge smile on his face. I knew he was up to something, but I wasn’t sure yet. He didn’t say a word to me; he just stood there staring with a goofy look on his face. We walked out to the parking lot hand-in-hand and still hadn’t said a word to each other.

“OK Parker, what’s going on? You’re being really weird.”

“I’m still planning” He looked at me with a smirk on his face, “and you know me with multi-tasking. Look tonight is going to be awesome, OK? Just trust me, be at my house at 7 spell out 7 sharp and you’ll understand. I love you, drive safe.” He gave me a quick kiss and went off to his car. I stood there, bewildered at his very odd behavior. In the three years we’d been dating, not once has he been this distant, but yet so excited. If he was going to propose I’d lose it. No way was I getting engaged at 18, eighteen this was crazy. I waited impatiently for my brother to get out of class before I went to go home and prepare for tonight. As soon as I arrived home, I looked for something to wear. My closet was full of designer clothes, nice dresses, cute shirts and nice pants, but nothing seemed good enough for this supposed “amazing” night. I needed major BFF help.

“Heather, call Ashley for me and please, please, please come over. I have wardrobe issues and this is a major 911.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes, babe!”

“Ahh thank you so much. I love you, you’re my life saver.”

I figured I should narrow my choices down a bit before Heather and Ashley got here. I laid out my best pair of jeans and my new black top with an attached necklace, a small black dress, a plaid skirt with red lines in it with a cute red top to match. I wasn’t sure how casual this night was going to be, hence not being able to find the perfect outfit. Just like clock work, I hear Heather and Ashley walking up the steps to my room.

“Guys! Oh my goodness, thank you so much! OK, so Parker has this huge amazing night planned for us, I have no idea what he has planned, but he’s being really weird about it. After school, he couldn’t even talk to me because he said he was ‘planning things in his mind.’ I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean! I’m totally freaking out and on top of that I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear!”

“OK girl, relax here! Me and Heather Heather and me are here to help.”

“Yeah, Kel relax a minute. Now no girl can go wrong with a simple black dress. I mean jeans seem to simple and a skirt too provocative. So since you have one of the most fashionable closets in all of Palm Beach and probably in all of Florida, this shouldn’t be too hard.” She rummaged through my closet until she pulled out a small, short sleeve, tight fitting black dress. It was perfect and I knew as soon as she showed it to me that it was what I needed to wear.

Seven o’clock came way to soon! I was not prepared for what was ahead of me. Maybe I was just over reacting and being dramatic, I have a tendency to do that. The drive over to Parker’s house seemed to take forever. When I finally arrived, I slowly brought myself up to the door and knocked on it lightly. The door opened and there stood Parker, his hair gelled into perfect short curls, wearing a dress shirt and black pants. He looked amazing.

“Wow Kelly, you look beautiful, absolutely stunning.”

“Thanks Park, you look pretty nifty too.” He smiled at me and welcomed me into his house. As I looked around, I saw candles lit around his dining room. His house is so nice, it’s even bigger and better than mine. There was dinner made and set at the table which had two small candles lit on it as well.

“Parker, this is incredible.”

“You deserve incredible.”

“You’re not proposing to me Parker, are you?”

“Wow, you really know how to ruin a moment, but no, I’m not crazy! I just want to have a nice night with my girlfriend is that so hard to ask?”

“Not at all.” I leaned up and gave him a sweet passionate kiss.

“Let’s eat.” We sat down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner and talked about my New York trip and he talked about his rising surfing career and the upcoming basketball season. Things were perfect, just how I imagined it. OK well not just how, I figured by now he’d be down on his knee begging for me to say yes. I must say though, this was better. After dinner, we went to his room to watch a movie, he rented all kinds of cheesy romantic chick-flicks but in the end we decided on Top Gun, always a classic. We sat in each other’s arms and laughed along to Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. I had the best boyfriend ever and there was nothing in the world that could change that. After the movie was over, Parker turned off the TV and laid next to me.

“You are the most beautiful girl in the world, you know that?”

“It’s been mentioned before.” Parker looked at me with shock. "I’m just kidding babe, you know you’re the only man for me.” He smiled and gave me a passionate kiss. This kiss slowly turned into more and before I knew it we were taking each other’s clothes off. We shared a sweet intimate moment together, but unlike other times this time felt special. I could truly feel the love he had for me.

“I love you Parker Jonathan Redwood.”

“Mmm and I love you Kelly Brianne Foster, with all my heart.”

“What was the deal with tonight?”

“I told you I just wanted a romantic evening with my lovely girlfriend.”

“No, that’s not it, there’s more, I can tell.”

“What makes you think that.”

“I don’t know you just seem weird, different or something. I can’t put my finger on it.”

“OK, truth is, Connor told me something.”

“Connor? And you believed something Connor said?”

“I don’t know, he told me that if your girlfriend cheated on you that you’d be able to tell because, well, the sex would be different.”

“Woah, wait a minute, you had me come over here because you believed all the stupid rumors going around about me that I cheated on you in New York? So you tried to swoon me with romance so I’d have sex with you so you could use some sex test idea that you got from Connor?? A guy that hasn’t matured since 5th grade?”

“No, Kel, it’s not like that!”

“No Parker, it’s exactly like that! I thought you were better than that. I thought you’d trust me and have faith in me that I love you and only you and that I would never cheat on you. Apparently I thought wrong.” I got up and quickly dressed myself and ran for the door. I could hear Parker running behind me.

“Kelly wait, can we talk about this?”

“No Parker, we can’t. It’s too late for that; we should have talked about how you didn’t believe me and we should have talked about how you felt when I got home, instead of you playing mind games with me. But it’s too late now Parker, you had all night to talk to me about this but, you chose not to.” I left his house and sped off in my car. I was so furious with him. How could he use me like that?? Why didn’t he believe me?? I mean yeah, I’ll admit, I’m skinny and I’m pretty, I have long blonde hair and big blue eyes. That might make me attractive to other guys, but I would NEVER cheat on Parker! I love him, or at least I thought I did.


OK, besides the large amount of missing comas I found, this is prety good. I liked the story and the interesting character. Good plot and detail. You just really need to work on the grammar. I place the missing comas in bold so u can fix it, but most of it I think you might of been in a rush to post your story and didn't care much to look it over. Ha ha, been there. So the most I can tell you to improve is read this outloud to yourself and fix all the grammar mistakes. Best of luck,

AJ :D
I'm going to La Push Jacob off a cliff,
and stab him with Forks!



Yewis superiority!
— Several authors from the auspicious site.