Night of the Vampires

'Lets go,'whispered Adria. She gripped her katana in its sheath and walked slowly down the quiet lane. A bus streamed past the lane's opening, rattling and roaring, but it didnt disturb Adria or her friends Fuscienne and Jakken. They continued to creep stealthily down the lane until they reached the turn. Fuscienne firmly held her long, lethal whip and Jakken kept her pistol pointed out directly in fron of her. They turned the corner and Jakken suddenly fell to the ground. Adria turned around and saw that a lycan was now draining Jakken of her blood. Adria felt her eye-teeth sharpen and get longer. She flipped over the werewolf with her katana outstretched. As she flipped over the werewolf, her katana sliced it right across its back. Fuscienne lashed at it with her whip, and caught the beast right across his chest. He roared angrily, and slashed Fuscienne across her face with his huge claws. He then turned to Adria, and.....

Ah a newbie.

Welcome, there is a few things I see in this story that concern me.

The first is the number of weapons. They have a Katana, Whip, and a Pistol.

Presumably the three characters are Vampires, creatures of the night with fangs and superhuman powers.

Yet, they need weapons? What is the point of having these creatures as characters if they don't use their abilities? For all we know, this could be a couple kids on a werewolf hunt.

The second object of concern is the lack of any cohesive plot. The only plot, so far as I can tell, is that Vampires and Werewolves are killing each other. (You also mention Lycan and Werewolves, which are presumably the same. Decide on one term and stick with it.) No reasons are given, nothing. When a plot is this predictable, no matter how many DPM's, it has, it is still boring.

Now, for some grammar.

'Lets go,'whispered Adria.

Use double quotations. (")

Fuscienne lashed at it with her whip, and caught the beast right across his chest. He roared angrily, and slashed Fuscienne across her face with his huge claws. He then turned to Adria, and.....

Don't put a comma before "and" unless you are combining more than two things. Ex. J,K, and L. When you are combining two objects like you did in the quote, you can drop the comma. Ex. J and K. Also, when using the (...) you only use three periods. No more.

Once again, enjoy your stay.

This needs a little work.

This either needs more of a begining - you've introduced lots of characters, in a very short space, right at the beinging. As such, I neither know who these characters are, nor do I care.
The sheer amount of characters makes this hard to follow, as well.

Spelling and grammar errors:

'Lets go,'whispered Adria.

Needs a space before ‘whispered’.


but it didnt disturb Adria or her friends Fuscienne and Jakken.

1) ‘Didnt’ should be ‘didn’t’
2) You need a comma after ‘friends’.


pistol pointed out directly in fron of her

‘Fron’ should be ‘front’.



Other things:

Adria turned around and saw that a lycan was now draining Jakken of her blood.

I thought it was the vampires that did the draining? Not the wolves? Or do your lycans drink blood?


Adria felt her eye-teeth sharpen and get longer.

Eye-teeth? Is that a mistake, or is it something you have created?


She flipped over the werewolf with her katana outstretched. As she flipped over the werewolf, her katana sliced it right across its back.

The word ‘flipped’ is over used (how did she flip it anyway?), as it the word ‘katana’.

Other words for flipped:
‘Threw’

Other words for katana:
‘Sword’
‘Blade’
‘Steel’


He roared angrily, and slashed Fuscienne across her face with his huge claws. He then turned to Adria, and.....

Both of the last sentences started with ‘He’, which seems a little distracting. Perhaps change one of them.

Other words for he:
‘It’
‘The beast/wolf/lycan/whatever’




None the less, I assume there will be more to this story? If you flesh it out more and make us really care for the characters, then this could be an interessting story .

Well, there's a nice welcome from Griffin. However, I do feel inclined to agree with him on just about everything he said. But vampires are allowed to use weapons. They tend to be much stronger than humans, but not necessarily stronger than other supernatural beings. Besides, sometimes they use weapons just because they like than.

I agree if she wants to give her characters weapons let her give her characters weapons.

Griffinkeeper wrote:Ah a newbie.

Welcome, there is a few things I see in this story that concern me.

The first is the number of weapons. They have a Katana, Whip, and a Pistol.

Presumably the three characters are Vampires, creatures of the night with fangs and superhuman powers.

Yet, they need weapons? What is the point of having these creatures as characters if they don't use their abilities? For all we know, this could be a couple kids on a werewolf hunt.

If you take a look at books, the books that I have read on vampires, nearly all of the vampires in the books have weapons. To fight they can't just use their teeth, yes they are faster than humans and are stronger in all stories, but that still can't help when a vampire is fighting. A vampire is only special human, they aren't invincible.

And cool work WiccanVampyre!! Just next time you need to tell more about whats going on in the story, or is that going to be told in the next chapter? O.o

I don't thing the weapons are really appropriate either. Werewolves can only be killed by shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet. A katana or a whip are stupid when confronted on this. The katana might pass if it was made of silver, but this was not mentioned.

Welcome to YWS! I think you're going to like it here. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need any of you work commented on or criticized.

This was interesting... very short to be posted here, but still interesting.
Okay, I will begin with the things I did like

Firstly, I really enjoyed your names. They were creative and very cool. Secondly, some of your verbs were very good. Verbs such as 'lash' and 'streaming' for the bus.

Now the things that I didn't like

A bus streamed past the lane's opening, rattling and roaring,

As I have said, I liked your verb 'streamed', but I didn't like your placement of the adjectives, especially two of them. It sounded choppy, as if you were trying too hard to add description. I suggest changing it to 'A bus roared past, rattling the lane's opening' or something like that.

They continued to creep stealthily down the lane until they reached the turn

Firstly, I didn't like how you used both 'continued' and 'creep' here. I suggest you just say 'They crept stealthily etc.' Also, I didn't like your word stealthily because the 'creep' already implies that they are being stealthy. If you have to have the word however, you could say 'They crept down the lane stealthily' so the two words are not so close together.

Fuscienne firmly held her long, lethal whip and Jakken kept her pistol pointed out directly in fron of her

I didn't like your double L adjectives. I'm sorry, but 'long' and 'lethal' sound strange together. You could just say 'her lethal whip' and state that it was long later on like when she lashes out. Also, I think you meant 'front' instead of 'fron'

They turned the corner and Jakken suddenly fell to the ground. Adria turned around and saw that a lycan was now draining Jakken of her blood

I think 'fell' is a little too small for a word to describe Jakken falling to the lycan. Perhaps 'collapse' or something more extreme would be better. Also, do you really think Adria would simply 'turn around' if a lycan was sucking her friend's blood. No, she would 'whirl' around in horror. You need more powerful words.

As said above, you repeated 'flipped' and that took the feeling of the action away. I also don't like the word 'flip' for that action, but I guess it works

I am also wondering what eye-teeth are... could you explain that?

and caught the beast right across his chest

This sounds awkward. 'slashed (just don't use this and the 'slashed' used afterwards) the beast across the chest' or 'caught the beast in the chest' would sound good but 'caught the beast right across the chest' sounds strange.


Lastly, for the end, if you want to be a cliffhanger, I suggest that you omit the 'and' at the end and just end it with 'and then he turned to Adria' I think that would be more suspenseful. This is not really that suspenseful because we don't know much about the past of the characters or their connection or what these 'lycans' are, but if you explained it more, this is a good start.

My utmost suggestion in this is to use more powerful words, not words like 'huge claws' or 'turned around' Use words like 'enormous claws' or 'brutal claws' to catch the reader and get them interested.
This is a good start.
Please keep writing

Whew, that was long

I'm not sure if anyone has answered the 'eye-teeth' question, as I can't be bothered reading the rest of the posts right now, so... the eye-teeth, or the k9 teeth, are the 2 teeth close to the front of your mouth that are slightly longer, and more pointed than the rest, these are the teeth that extend into fangs with vampires. So you may want to learn the proper term for these teeth, though I myself can't remember it at the present time.

SK, I'm pretty sure the proper term for them IS canine teeth...

Griffinkeeper wrote:I don't thing the weapons are really appropriate either. Werewolves can only be killed by shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet. A katana or a whip are stupid when confronted on this. The katana might pass if it was made of silver, but this was not mentioned.

Well, now, Griffenkeeper, a writer doesn't have to follow those rules. A Werewolf is a mythical beasts so how to kill it is compleatly up to the person who is talking/writing about it. A silver bullet through the heart is the traditional way of killing a Werewolf, but I just recently read a book that had Vampires and Werewolfs in it and the author compleatly bent the traditional 'rules'. So it makes sense to have Vampires carrying wepons, and like, Rei said Vampires aren't supernaturl supreme or anything, sometimes they are but proably she doesn't want them to be. But I agree with everything else Griffenkeeper said. I can't really tell what this story is about since its only about a paragraph long so far but it looks pretty good.

Welcome BTW!

hekategirl wrote:

Griffinkeeper wrote:I don't thing the weapons are really appropriate either. Werewolves can only be killed by shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet. A katana or a whip are stupid when confronted on this. The katana might pass if it was made of silver, but this was not mentioned.

Well, now, Griffenkeeper, a writer doesn't have to follow those rules. A Werewolf is a mythical beasts so how to kill it is compleatly up to the person who is talking/writing about it. A silver bullet through the heart is the traditional way of killing a Werewolf, but I just recently read a book that had Vampires and Werewolfs in it and the author compleatly bent the traditional 'rules'. So it makes sense to have Vampires carrying wepons, and like, Rei said Vampires aren't supernaturl supreme or anything, sometimes they are but proably she doesn't want them to be. But I agree with everything else Griffenkeeper said. I can't really tell what this story is about since its only about a paragraph long so far but it looks pretty good.

Naturally the rules can be bent. I know this. I also know that if you don't specify that the Werewolves are different from the common perception of them (including the idea that they can only be killed with a silver bullet) the reader goes to that default. If these Werewolves are different, for the love of god, say so!