Just Forget

This is something I wrote to and for my mother.


The door blocks you,
From the truth.
The number cuts you,
From the youth.

Your time was then,
My time is now.
You won't always be here,
To tell me how.

The barrier is there,
The wall is built;
Our relationship is tinged,
With pain and guilt.

I love you, Mom,
I really, truly do.
I just wish you'd stop trying,
To make this about you.

This is mine alone to deal with,
This is my load to bear.
Leave this to me,
No matter how much you care.

Just leave me alone.
Just let me be.
I am the only one,
That can set me free.

I don't deserve your love.
I don't deserve your touch.
And what I ask of you,
Really isn't that much:

Just forget about me.
Move on with your life.
I don't want to cause you,
Any more fearful strife.

Please forgive me,
If I seem rushed.
But I am a song,
That cannot be hushed.

I am leaving today,
For the good of you all.
No, you love me too much.
You won't let me fall.

Your zeal is unfailing--
An ever-ringing chime.
But, please, I assure you,
I'm not worth your time.

Please, I'm begging you:
Just let me go.
I won't hold you back.
I must let you grow.

I love you, Mom,
And that will never change.
But please take the time,
Your priorities, rearrange.

I'm selfish and thoughtless,
Stupid as can be.
And it kills me to know,
You're crying for me.

So just please move on.
Forget about this.
There are things going on,
You can't afford to miss.

I'm sorry for everything.
It's all my fault.
I'm sorry for bringing,
Your life to a halt.

So now just forget.
And I'll just get going.
I'm already running;
With no chance of slowing.

WOW! that was good.you placed the words perfectly.And also good riming. I get the part that you are leaving your mom.But why?
You did a very good job.But it confuses me a little bit.Explain why you are leaving your mom.
I can't find any fault but i am not good at criticism .But it was good enough for me.

Thanks!

Well, it's not so much that either of us are physically leaving, so much as we're parting emotionally.

Hey there! I'm gonna review this. First, I think it's really sweet to write a poem to your mother (even if it's begging to let you alone ). This seems like you have some kind of problem, and that you're hurting your mom with it? And you want her to leave it alone, right? If I got it right, then good work on explaining what you wanted to transmit. If I'm wrong, then you'll need to work on that But you also seemed a bit hesitating. 'Cause of the repetition of the love declaration. that's good, it shows an insecure character. So, this is really nice.
I didn't find any grammar mistakes (but something could have slipped). The rhyming was pretty good. Ah, the structure, right. You should watch it, 'cause the point of the poem is to catch the readers attention and make then read and understand, but in a poem with this length and always with the same scheme, it can make a reader "turn the page" (in this situation, click on the button return to the forum). Anyway, that's all I have to say. Crappy review, isn't it? At least it is one!
Keep writing!

Thanks for a review, no matter how crappy! Haha.

coolness. good ryhming and what-not. but i think your mom loves you too uch to leave you alone. she knows you need comforting or whatever and wants to help.

--markus the bard--

Hello there Game, I'm June and I'm your critic for the moment.


This is a great poem, no doubt. You have a perfect rhyme scheme (A,B,A,C) going here throughout the poem and I love it.

There are some lines in here that stumbled when read aloud, but that doesn't matter. If you read it properly, it flows nice and smooth.


I like the message you have behind this. It's sad-- and I just realized you said it's an emotion -- not physical-- parting.

I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this. If you polish this poem over a few times, you should really look into getting some recognition for this poem, perhaps have it published somewhere (that is, unless you don't want to publish this type of work).


Like *writewatiwant* said, the repetition of "love" and "please" show the reader that the character is almost insecure. You conveyed that point very well through your words--- absolutely amazing job.


You did an amazingly well job here. Most of the time rhyming poems with such a strong message lose their rhythm after a few stanzas .

Star for you!

Perfect

June

hey.. this was really good. i'm not much of a poet myself. I just write stories. this is really really good.... i love it... i get why she is running away from home/her mum. but i don't know why. did she have a fight with her mum? did she get kicked out of home?


overall great poem

kiwi

J. It's not your fault. Don't think that. Cause it's not.

Beautiful poem, conveyed what you feel perfectly. But don't ever, ever, think it was your fault.

This is a really great poem. You're rhyming flows so easily and smoothly and the emotions you portrayed were powerful. Keep up the great work. You're writing will influence many others as it has influenced me

Thanks everyone.

wow!!amazing
i love writing poems too
but i cant write anything
as great as your work
i hope you can teach me how you do
this.....

Aw. Thanks, Madel.

I just wanted to let you know that this was so poignant of a poem when I first read it that I marked it down in my blog to remember to come back and review it later! ^_^ It's really good and really leaves an impression on the reader, because I think we all have different relationships with our mothers and your poem makes us consider what other ways the relationship might have gone.

The number cuts you,

From the youth.

This is one of my favorite lines in the poem because at first it seems awkward, but then you realize the meaning of it and it really represents the largest rift that can pop up between mother and daughter! ^_^ So, good work~

Our relationship is tinged,

With pain and guilt.

I don't think you need the comma after 'tinged' here. ^_^

I just wish you'd stop trying,

To make this about you.

Same thing here after 'trying'. =D

I don't deserve your love.

I don't deserve your touch.

And what I ask of you,

Really isn't that much:

I think that using 'and' in the third line here kind of ruins the flow because the following sentence isn't actually parallel to the negativity in the first two lines. You can just take it out, if you want! ^_^

Any more fearful strife.

This adjective doesn't really make sense here. >_< Perhaps try something else?

I'm already running;

With no chance of slowing.

This is also one of my favorite lines because it does such a good job of ending the poem! I don't think, however, that you need to use that semi-colon there. ^_^

Overall, it's a great piece, and I hope things stay okay for you. <3

-Hannah-

Thanks. Punctuation isn't really my thing. It kind of confuses me sometimes. I just slam it in there.
Haha.