Six Days

Okay, so I wrote the first part to mock a friend who is always missing his girlfriend as she lives in a different part of the province. Then, though I tried to get away from what happened, I couldn't...

Six Days

Six days ago, you told me you loved me, told me you wouldn't leave. You said I was your love and you needed me. I smiled and said the same. Our eyes locked, the reflection of the sunset glistening off your eyes. You leaned in to kiss me, to make my day. The soft grass on the fairy-tale hill swayed in time with my heart. This day was perfect. I never wanted to leave.

Five days ago, we sat on your couch. A chick-flick played on the screen. Though our eyes were locked on it, neither of us was watching. Well, at least not watching the film. My eyes glanced in repetitive movements from the glowing television set to your perfect body. The feminine features were standing out on your face. I leaned away when I saw the expression. Why were you so scared? We got to be together.

Four days ago, we sat on your bed. The look had never left, you had not slept. I wished the expression would leave already. Why did you think of me as a monster? Was it not obvious that I loved you? Didn't you love me back? I shuddered because I knew the answer. If only that look had left. If only I hadn't been so desperate to stay in the moment of the perfect sunset.

Three days ago, we were driving in my old car. We approached a bridge and stopped. I sighed and opened the door. Worry flooded over me. Were you too hot? Did you have enough air? Did the rope chafe? Silently, I walked over to my rusty trunk and pulled it open. My heart skipped a beat. How could someone so perfect be so wrong about me. I could see it in your eyes, the constant fear which had never left. And now, no matter how small it was, you were judging me. In a panic so much greater than I had ever experienced, I lifted you and rested you gently on my shoulder. Something wet hit my back. You were crying. I hated to cause you pain. I couldn't bare it. This would be the last time I ever did.

Two days ago, they called me. I was a primary suspect. I sat, crying on my bed as they searched my small house. Didn't they feel my pain. I would never see you again. Why couldn't you have loved me? I opened up my closet and slipped inside. I have to admit, it did help to be surrounded by your loving face. The one that would never leave. I looked at all of the happy faces. Back then, you thought it was just a crush. You were wrong. I loved you. I needed you. I was more in love than all of the other people on Earth combined. Unfortunately, you didn't love me. Why couldn't you love me? If I couldn't have you, no one could. They wouldn't love you enough.

Yesterday, they came for me. They had it so wrong. Apparently, they found some of your hairs in my trunk. I saw them through my window as they came up the driveway with handcuffs. I couldn't allow this. They were going to arrest me for loving you? No, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to be here, hugging me, loving me. Why couldn't you love me? You were my life. Two days ago, my life had ended. It had been washed away with you. Why couldn't you love me? This question echoed through me as I started to run out my back door.

Today, they found you. You had accepted my love. They said they found it in your lungs, said it was your cause of death. I had loved you too much. That was why you died. I realized that I couldn't do that to anyone. I would end it before I could hurt anyone else. I sprinted onto the bridge, the sirens close behind. Why had I loved you? I closed my eyes and plunged into darkness. I quickly released the air from my lungs. Within seconds, I would be dead. Weeping, I took a deep breath in and sunk away into nothingness.
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All comments and suggestions are encouraged. This is a first draft though. Generally, I am pleased with the first draft of my writing. Trying to fix it makes it worse, except in novels.

Hello, Fadingdream. I hope I am of some help to you today =]

Three days since I last saw you.

Okay, this sentence isn't needed in your paragraph. The reader can comprehend as much without you saying that he hasn't seen her in three days. So I would just nix this whole sentence.

Why did you think of me as a monster? Was it not obvious that I loved you? Didn't you love me back? I shuddered because I knew the answer. If only that look had left. If only I hadn't been so desperate to stay in the moment of the perfect sunset.

I don't quite understand what you are trying to convey here...? Why is your MC the monster? Why? Make this more clear.

Three days ago, we were driving in my old car. We approached a bridge and stopped. I sighed and opened the door. Worry flooded over me. Were you too hot? Did you have enough air? Did the rope chafe? Silently, I walked over to my rusty trunk and pulled it open. My heart skipped a beat. How could someone so perfect be so wrong about me. I could see it in your eyes, the constant fear which had never left. And now, no matter how small it was, you were judging me. In a panic so much greater than I had ever experienced, I lifted you and rested you gently on my shoulder. Something wet hit my back. You were crying. I hated to cause you pain. I couldn't bare it. This would be the last time I ever did.

Whoa... he killed her?? My god, this is totally different than what I thought it was going to be... But different is good =] So this is totally about a crazy stalker boyfriend gone murderer, huh?

~ ~ ~ ~

This was super good. I thought you protrayed the thoughts of him very well. He was just some insane guy obssesed with this girl who didn't like him back, so he murders her. I especially like the scene with him and her in the trunk. Very well written there.

My only concern was that you started out on day three and then jumped back to day five. That was super confusing. My advice would to to just start on day six and work backwards, but if you must keep day three and such, make sure you make clear on what is going on.

Otherwise, this was really good. Something totally different and new.

Nice work =]

Hello there, dear!

I don't think we've met before but I'm Angel of Death, but please call me Angel.

Well, my, I think...I can't stop crying. This was really good! And it is so nice to see a guy in this forum because they're a dying species when it comes to Romantic Fiction so kudos to you. This was beautiful and really different and your words were so powerful. And yes, I agree that if you try to fix this it'll lose it's spell. So keep this first draft and think of it as contemporary, I suppose.


Favorite Paragraph:

Today, they found you. You had accepted my love. They said they found it in your lungs, said it was your cause of death. I had loved you too much. That was why you died. I realized that I couldn't do that to anyone. I would end it before I could hurt anyone else. I sprinted onto the bridge, the sirens close behind. Why had I loved you? I closed my eyes and plunged into darkness. I quickly released the air from my lungs. Within seconds, I would be dead. Weeping, I took a deep breath in and sunk away into nothingness.

That was really what struck me in my heart. This was a really enjoyable read and you write really well. Continue to write.

Ta,

~Angel

*clicks gold star*

Hey! I don't recognize your username. I'm MidnightVampire. You can call me Midnight, Vamp, MV, I really don't care.

It's been three days. Three days since I saw your smile. Three days since I touched your warm hands. Three days since I last saw you. Three days since your world was flipped around. Three days too long.

Here, you start saying it's been three days. And then you go to six. You could say something like 'its been a while since I've seen you. Since I saw your smile. Since I touched your warm hands. Since I last saw you. Since your world flipped around. A while's been to long.' or something like that. Or, you could just completely take away that part and start with six.

Why were you so scared? We got to be together.

This is where I really started liking this piece. The second sentence gives it a hint of creepy, stalker ish feel to it.

Was it not obvious that I loved you? Didn't you love me back?

'Was it not obvious' sounds a little odd. I suggest changing it to 'Wasn't it obvious'. But its up to you.

Three days ago, we were driving in my old car. We approached a bridge and stopped. I sighed and opened the door. Worry flooded over me. Were you too hot? Did you have enough air? Did the rope chafe? Silently, I walked over to my rusty trunk and pulled it open. My heart skipped a beat. How could someone so perfect be so wrong about me. I could see it in your eyes, the constant fear which had never left. And now, no matter how small it was, you were judging me. In a panic so much greater than I had ever experienced, I lifted you and rested you gently on my shoulder. Something wet hit my back. You were crying. I hated to cause you pain. I couldn't bare it. This would be the last time I ever did.

Wow...*shock* I liked it though.

This was really good. It especially good because its hard to write in the mind frame of a stalkerish boyfriend who murdered/kidnapped his girlfriend, and you did quite well. You showed small things that proved him to be stalkerish, gave questions that it seemed like he would want to know. Wonderful. Also, you did well on your imagery. Some small parts that were odd with the way you worded things. But other than tha tyo were good.

Whoah. This was really good! It kept me captivated the entire time, and it was creepy and sad in just the right proportions. I only have a couple little grammar problems to point out, because most of the other stuff is covered. I especially agree that the time frame doesn't quite make sense to me, since you start off with three days and then switch to six.

How could someone so perfect be so wrong about me?

Didn't they feel my pain?

Both needed question marks.

I have to admit, it did help to be surrounded by your loving face. The one that would never leave. I looked at all of the happy faces.

If I understand it right, he has a closet full of pictures of her? Wow, what a creep.

I look forward to reading more from you. I really loved this piece and it was refreshing to read a "romance" from the male point of view.

I loved how different this was. It was very repetitive in some places, but it worked because your main character was thinking like that.

The feminine features were standing out on your face. I leaned away when I saw the expression. Why were you so scared? We got to be together.

This part was when the reader first realized something was wrong. I like the way you build back like that.

Our eyes locked, the reflection of the sunset glistening off your eyes.

I would reword that sentence. It doesn't have a good flow to it.

Six days ago, you told me you loved me, told me you wouldn't leave. You said I was your love and you needed me. I smiled and said the same.

I'm a little bit confused why she said she loved him first and then he thought she didn't love him? I would try to make that a little more clear.

But overall, very good job. (:

Thanks for all of the suggestions and replies I've gotten. I honestly didn't expect this kind of reaction. I didn't expect people to like it this much. I'll be sure to write another story soon!
I'd also like to address some of the questions posted.

I'm a little bit confused why she said she loved him first and then he thought she didn't love him?

She became afraid of him. It is sort of apparent why in the line ", you had not slept." Originally, this sentence hadn't much more meaning than that she was too scared to sleep but reading it over, I implied one of the ideas of why and decided to keep it as that. I'll let you use your imaginations.

If I understand it right, he has a closet full of pictures of her?

That was exactly what I was going for. I was thinking of expanding on this but I wanted the reader to possibly think he "destroyed" her and hung parts of her on his walls... I am so sadistic...

Also, I honestly wasn't planning on killing anyone. I wrote the first part hoping no one would die... It's a real problem... All of my main characters die...

I'm not going to review this, all the other people above me already help you so much. I just have one question. What did they find in her lungs? I don't understand the last paragraph, can you make it more clearer?

I thought this was a great piece. At first it just seemed like your ordinary romance story but then you threw in a creepy stalkerish feel. It was great I wasn't expecting it at all.
Like when you said "If I couldn't have you, no one could. They wouldn't love you enough." I really like how you put this in there, it makes the main character seem stalkerish (if that's even a word). haha but you know what i mean.
Also, i like how you repeatedly used phrases throughout the piece. It usually makes it sound repetative and boring but it works here! Good job and keep going with this, i would love to hear more.

-balletbabe12

I really liked this. It was different, something I had never really read before. It was different for someone to write in the point of view of the creepy, stalker guy, when usually they write in the POV of the person who is being stalked. So that was cool.

Also, I honestly wasn't planning on killing anyone. I wrote the first part hoping no one would die... It's a real problem... All of my main characters die...

^I laughed when I read that. I always have to remind myself not to kill the main characters because I always regret it.

fading-dream wrote: It's been three days. Three days since I saw your smile. Three days since I touched your warm hands. Three days since I last saw you. Three days since your world was flipped around. Three days too long.

I am new at this, so forgive me if you don't agree with my criticisms anyone. I do argee that the "Three days since I last saw you", doesn't belong where you have placed it, but I do feel it belongs in the paragraph. Maybe right before "Three days too long."

Also, I was a bit confused on where you got the fact that his love thought he was a monster. It just didn't make sense to me. Why was he the moster?

Other than that I believe your writing was beautifully written. Even though I didn't fully understand why she thought of him as a monster in the beginning, I could feel the pain that the stalker-like boyfriend felt. It was very descriptive.

(I hope I wasn't completely repetitve on criticism, and I hope you can help me with my writings? )

This reminded me of an episode of CSI. It was a really great, unexpected love story. I agree with the posts above me; they took the words from my keyboard.

Good job