The way

The Way's aways away from tomorrow but we're a step closer today
The Way's aways away from tomorrow but closer than yesterday
The Way's aways away form forever but forever is found be in today
The Way's aways away from forever but i saw forever yesterday
The Way's aways away from death but death came for me anyways

The Way's aways away from tomorrow but we're a step closer today

The Way's aways away from tomorrow but closer than yesterday

The Way's aways away form forever but forever is found be in today

The Way's aways away from forever but i saw forever yesterday

The Way's aways away from death but death came for me anyways

Let me just say that the redundancy kills it.
It becomes very hard and tedious to read. The 'Way's' is what exactly? You are saying the Way's are far away from something. Way's = way is. If that's even a word. I think to clean up this mess you have here, put 'far' in the place of the third word in every stanza. Change each 'Way's' into a seperate words or something that makes sense.

Truthfully, I don't know where to begin, I'm sorry. This 'poem' is just too gone if you will. Try to do what I said and I'll be back to look at it. Right now it's, well, you know.


I don't mean to be harsh but this poem needs help. Yes, I probably could have sugar-coated it, but why do that? It's the truth.


Please take that advice into consideration and I'll be back. (And glad to improve it more. )
Like I said before, Evan, take the criticism and build on it.


---Jon---

I think that the redundancy is the style of this poem. So I didn't mind it. But, something does bother me...

Way's aways away

Okay, I'm not sure if it's just me or if I am reading and seeing this all wrong. But this seems incorrect to me. Unless I'm reading it wrong of course. If Way's is possesive it's wrong. If Way's is a condensed form of Way is then it's still wrong. Perhaps that should be The Way's away? Or The Way aways away? Correct me if I'm wrong please, this is the major thing that bothered me about this.

And

anyways

is also wrong.

Anyway, those are just grammar stuff. The real essense of poetry is the message which in this particular poem is very well-delivered.

The Way's aways away from tomorrow but we're a step closer today

The Way's aways away from tomorrow but closer than yesterday

The Way's aways away form forever but forever is found be in today

The Way's aways away from forever but i saw forever yesterday

The Way's aways away from death but death came for me anyway

The whole way's away thing didn't bother me. I think your trying out something different. I don't think it completely worked out, but good job for trying. I can't tell you for sure but there has to be something grammatically wrong with "The Way's aways away", and as for the second part of each sentence, I thought they were interesting. I liked the last verse. It was a good ending. Overall, i think it was weak, but a good try and an interesting idea.

Quite frankly I liked your idea behind this poem; however, you might want to try writing it a different way.

Saayyy perhaps:

Always away from tomorrow but we're a step closer today
Always away from tomorrow but closer than yesterday
Always away from forever but forever is found in today
Always away from forever but i saw forever yesterday
Always away from death but death came for me anways
Always away from the Way but the Way will find its way any day

The Way's aways away from tomorrow but we're a step closer today
The Way's aways away from tomorrow but closer than yesterday
The Way's aways away form forever but forever is found be in today
The Way's aways away from forever but i saw forever yesterday
The Way's aways away from death but death came for me anyways

There are actually many ways to interpret and phrase your poem.
It just depends on what type of outlook and affect your trying to have on the reader.

other then that i have to admit i really loved the meaning in your poem!

-Ciao
--Bo_0ts