Broken, destroyed, and defeated.

I think this is sort of free form? This was how I was feeling the other day because I sort of, doubted myself and my friends indirectly made me feel wrong.

Do you know how angry I feel?
How much it pains me to laugh?
I’m dying here, but no one knows
The sadness I feel inside.
Even I, my own self,
Am hidden from these true feelings.

Seriously, who the heck do I want to be?
The old person I was once perfectly
Content with is no longer suiting to my needs.
I need to find,
This new me.
This me I wish to be.
The one I really am inside
The one I’m dying to become.
I must find her,
Or I shall fail.
I shall, just fade away.
Nothing more than failure will become of me.
Failure and a broken heart.
That’s how I feel right now.
Broken, but just not sure how to fix all the pieces.
Maybe I have been broken for a while now.
But I just haven’t noticed long enough to
Realize I need to put back all the pieces.

Your beginning was very plain. It was a question that just wasn't effective. It sounded like a rant but a very not-vivid rant. Sorry, that didn't make sense. It just isn't effective as a prelude to the rest of the poem.

Do you know how angry I feel?
How much it pains me to laugh?

Seriously, who the heck to I want to be? to should be do
The old person I was once perfectly The line break here is a little messy.
Content with is no longer suiting to my needs.

This part of your poem was the best. First because it was vivid and really filled with feeling. However, maybe you should describe this new 'me' more. Although I think that it really is good as it is.

I need to find,
This new me.
This me I wish to be.
The one I really am inside
The one I’m dying to become.
I must find her,
Or I shall fail.
I shall, just fade away.
Nothing more than failure will become of me.

This threw off the lines above. It was just bland. Too cliched and so plain.

Failure and a broken heart.
That’s how I feel right now.

Okay I kind of like this poem because of it's middle part which was really good but I think it needs a little more work so anyway, good job.

I'm all for free verse, but this just sounds like a rant, even worse...a coherent rant.

angels-symphony wrote:
Do you know how angry I feel? No, I don't. And you just made me not care by asking that childishly. Draw in the reader, don't shout at them!
How much it pains me to laugh?
I’m dying here, but no one knows
The sadness I feel inside.
Overused much? You're dying, and no-one knows how sad you are inside? Throw in a reference to cutting and you've got an MCR song.
Even I, my own self, Kind of awkwardly worded, but good attempt at rhythm.
Am hidden from these true feelings.

Seriously, who the heck to I want to be? Do I want to be? And heck? Must be a country thing, I've never heard anyone say heck before
The old person I was once perfectly When I read this, I literally thought of you with an old person..maybe old incarnation? Some different, anyway.
Content with is no longer suiting to my needs.
I need to find,
This new me.
This me I wish to be.
The one I really am inside
The one I’m dying to become.
I must find her,
Or I shall fail.
I shall, just fade away.
Nothing more than failure will become of me.
Failure and a broken heart.
That’s how I feel right now. We already know that's how you feel, cause you've been banging on about it for the entire poem! Give us a reason to care.
Broken, but just not sure how to fix all the pieces.
Maybe I have been broken for a while now.
But I just haven’t noticed long enough to
Realize I need to put back all the pieces.Repetiton, Repetiton, Repetition, Repetition. See how boring that is?

Poetry can serve many purposes: Getting your thoughts and feelings out, touching readers and making them feel, flexing your word muscles, creating something catchy that keeps people thinking...But your poem only serves one. Getting your feelings out. I suggest writing it in your diary first, then thinking about how your feelings can relate to others, and using beautiful words and phrase to express them.

Heya, angels-symphony! I've seen you around YWS quite a bit lately. Glad to see some new faces joining our little community.

This poem really struck me as... familiar. But, not because I've read it before, but because it makes the same point as a lot of poems that I've seen lately. It strikes me as more of a rant than anything really, but that's okay. I tend to rant in free-verse poem form as well. xD Most times, I don't post those on YWS for fear of being ridiculed or yelled at for clogging up the boards with my poem/rants. Ha ha. But, I'm an Instructor, I should know better, blah blah blah. xxD

Anyhoo, really, you can post whatever your heart desires here on YWS. Which I find very comforting. And most people will try their hardest not to tear your pieces to shreds, although some of us find it harder than others.

Now, on to the critique. You're probably wondering when I'll shut up and stop babbling. You'll soon see, I tend to do that as well. It's one of my hobbies. xD

So, this poem to me kind of seems to do more showing than telling, and the main goal of writing is to create a vivid picture in the mind of the reader so that it's not even like they're reading, but more like seeing. Although, in some poem, telling suits the writing/writer better than showing, so in your case, I think you can let that one slide. You did very well on that note.

On to another note, your description was fantastic. You didn't just say, "I'm upset." You let us know why, how you feel about that, and what's really going on. That's what we need to know, because we weren't there throughout the whole conflict obviously, and this poem/rant is the result of the conflict, so you really gave us as much information as we needed. Awesome job with that.

The only thing that really bugged me was the word "heck". No, no, silly! It doesn't offend me (or probably anyone else)! It just... doesn't seem very poetic to me, and if I recall correctly, you're trying to make this fit the bill as a poem? Yes, yes, I remember. So, maybe change the wording up a bit? Try to make something else fit? "Heck" just seems to ruin the mood and feel for this very strong, powerful, emotional piece, and ruining this is like... a crime.

If you'd like anything else reviewed, or need anything else for that matter, just contact me via PM.

-Melissa

Hey there Shiney! (Yeah, I am totally going to call you that o.o or maybe not?) June here; your critic for the moment!

This is perfect. When people are upset, depressed, angry-- whatever, I tell them to go rant in a poem. They often ask me why am I telling them to do that, and I don't answer them. I tell them to just go do it, and if they don't they'll be in trouble. To make sure they did it, I make them show me the poem. I do the same thing with people who write music-- tell them to go rant their feelings in a new song.

Why? Because it's the perfect way to get rid of your feelings. No, they're never going to jump up and leave you on a moments notice with a poem, but after writing, you can make some sense of it. You can't write it into a story, because that's going to be a story about what you're going through, and that's boring to the reader, unless you provide an interesing scenario.

But with poetry and music, everything has to fit. It has to come together, flow, sound right-- and it all makes you think about what you're composing and forget about your feelings as you compose. Once you're finished, you can easily listen to it, or read over it and say, "Hey, maybe what I'm going through isn't so hard for me to overcome."

It isn't, dear. Especially not if you write. People who don't write have trouble. They need psychiatrists.


Let me quit ranting and get on with the poem xD.

Okay, now I can name seven people who will verbally torture me over what I'm about to say. I'm sorry! I know it's a poetic rant, but my inner editor won't let me get away with leaving it untorn xD.

Here we go:

• Structure - You're going free verse. Beautiful -- I like that alot, it gives you the freedom to show your inner feelings without the limitations of a stanzaic poem.


• Form - Yes, dear, form and structure are different xD. Your form is free form. However, it's not working for me. Go over this, and wrestle it into something more... concise.

• Repetition - You repeat "the one". That doesn't bother me. It's the repetition of thought that repeats in this poem that's taking away from this. Give us a new idea when you begin a new part.

• Message - It's not an entirely clear message. We're getting half of the bottom line here, you feel betrayed, and like forced to be someone new. But, in your authors note you had to tell us that your friends (I pray I'm not one of those evil ones xD) made you feel like you needed a change. You should imply this with your words.

(I could go on with my annoying rules, but I won't XD.)


So! All of that to say, dear, this needs to be revised. There's more to the revision that I'm talking about. I don't just mean, revise, revise, revise because of structure, grammar, and verse length or whatever.

I'm saying that this needs to be perfect, dear. This has to be one of your perfectly written poems that you can look back on 15 or more years later and say, "Wow, I don't feel like this anymore." You're probably going to miss the person who wrote, even if you are so proud that you moved on.

You have every right to. In a music/poetic rant, I always, always think that you should make it perfect.

You're ranting/venting your feelings-- fine. But, even though you don't want to remember feeling this way, you really should make it a masterpiece.


So! Sorry for ranting excessively (you know me... xD) And sorry if I wasn't much help, dear.

I hope you feel better soon.

Much love and hot chocolate. Or tea.

June

Hey! I love free verse and, like many, it is a great way to just get out your feelings. I think this is really good in showing what you are feeling though it could use a bit more description of what the feeling is; what it is you are really looking for?
Most everything else has already been mentioned... but as someone who also gets things out through free verse I'm surprised there's not more detail, really! It makes it much easier to relaz afterwards.
This is really good, though! Keep it up!

Hmmm. . .so very true. I tend to repeat this poem in my mind almost everyday. "Who am I?" It's a repeating theme seen often in every day life.

I liked the idea of this poem. Even though it's used a lot, I thought that you seemed show a lot of feeling in this poem. That very characteristic made it different. In the future, I suggest you try to find a subject that is a little out of your comfort zone. I know sometimes that helps me improve my writing.

Here is my critique:

The old person I was once perfectly

Content with is no longer suiting to my needs.

For some reason, the transition from "perfectly" to "Content" seems awkward. If possible, try rewriting it to make it flow better for the reader.

I shall, just fade away.

The comma after "shall" tells the reader to pause. When reading this particular part, the comma is a bit out of place

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Content: The idea isn't really original, but it has potential. Like others have said, try workin on your descriptions. This is very important in writing, especially in poetry.

Flow: I think this area could be approved on. Spacing and punctuation are important. Try looking over your poem and making it have a better over-all tempo. Also, rewriting and editing is important. Look over each line and try to improve it. It really helps, trust me. :]

Overall: Good work. If you keep my reivew and the others' review in mind, I hope you'll grow as a writer.

If you have any questions, PM me. I'd love to read your work!

-dd9