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Hey, this is only the second story I've posted on here, so be nice. Also, PM me if you want me to put more of it.




Chapter One

“Three, two, four.” Ashleigh Jones murmured the fingerings for the song she was playing as her hands skipped lightly across the piano keys. She had written the song, and she was very proud of it. But while she murmured to herself and played the melody, the back of her mind wondered how long it was until she had to leave.
“Leigh, baby! The bus is here!” called a voice from downstairs. Well, that answers that question, Ashleigh thought to herself.
“Coming, Mom!” she shouted. She sighed, and sliding the lid on her precious baby grand piano closed, she grabbed her backpack and slid off the bench. Shoving her favorite baseball cap onto her head backwards, she pulled her purse over her arm, and trotted down the steps out of her nearly empty bedroom. Ashleigh Jones was 14 years old, lived in Ohio, had a best friend who had moved to Florida, went to a boarding school, and thought, like most teenagers, that her life was one of the most boring ones ever to be lived on the face of the earth. However, that was definitely not the case. Leigh, as most people called her, went to one of the most prestigious schools in the country. The problem was that it was a just “an ordinary learning school, that’s all”, as Leigh put it. She was very gifted in music, and would have loved to go to Mrs. Wizowski’s School of Fine Arts, which was one of the best music schools that you could find—plus, all of her friends went there. At her current boarding school, she wasn’t exactly friendless, but the people there were just friendly. She didn’t have very many actual friends. As she grabbed her sack lunch off the counter, her young, stylish, mother bustled into the kitchen, her tall, handsome father—Phillip–not far behind. He had circles under his eyes, but he smiled when saw her. He pulled her into a tight hug.
“Good-bye, Leigh,” he said, brushing a stray blond hair away from her face, back towards her ponytail. Her mother, Lucille, gave her a short, firm hug, her bangles clinking against her wrists, and her perfume filling Leigh’s nose.
“Love you, Leigh,” she said briskly. The thing was, Leigh knew her mother meant well, but Lucille had grown up with 5 sisters, and even though Ashleigh’s grandparents hadn’t had a lot of time to spend with all of the girls, Lucille had been fine. She was independent and bold, and didn’t mind being by herself, or talking to her friends all day long on her cell phone. She seemed to think that Leigh could find things to do without her, and that she wouldn’t mind if she had “too many meetings”, or “too many papers to do tonight, sweetie. Maybe tomorrow…” whenever Leigh asked to do something with her—Lucille and Phil were both doctors, and worked hard to give her anything she might want. Unfortunately, Lucille didn’t listen when Leigh told her that all she wanted to do was spend time with her. Her father was better about it, but he had sleep problems, and was always so exhausted that Leigh felt bad about bothering him with it. She had completely given up telling her mother that the kids in their rich neighborhood weren’t very friendly—it was because she wore old jeans, football jerseys, and didn’t talk on the phone every hour of the day on weekends (that’s what it seemed like they did to Leigh, anyways). Leigh wasn’t exactly a tomboy, but when mostly she only wore earrings and the occasional necklace. She wasn’t that into fancy clothes. Leigh recalled times that she had told her mother about how the kids at her school already knew each other and didn’t want or need any more friends. Lucille had brushed it off.
Leigh shuddered at the memory of one of the rare times that they had gone to church; all of the girls were wearing heels, makeup, the latest styles, carrying tiny purses, and they were all bunched into inseparable little groups.
“Now, Ashleigh, are you sure you have everything?” Her mother asked anxiously, bringing Leigh back to the present.
“Yes, Mom,” Leigh said patiently. Lucille sighed, and kissed her daughter.
“Now, have fun, learn lots, send me a bunch of emails, and call me when you get there.” The three of them moved out into the driveway. The driver and Phillip loaded her bags, and then after one last good-bye, Leigh flopped with her backpack onto the bus; it was a long-distance bus. In other words, that’s how she got to the school. She waved as her parents became tiny dots on the driveway, and then pulled out her iPod. With a yawn, she settled in for the ride.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thud. Leigh dropped her backpack on the floor of her dorm room. The room consisted of 5 bunk beds, 5 dressers, and a bathroom through a door off to the side. There also was a sink and a mirror that was on one of the walls beside a dresser. The bathroom had 2 showers on its left wall, each with a curtain. There were 5 connected sinks set off against the wall that you faced when you came into the bathroom, and the 5 toilets were in small stalls on the right side.
“Hello.” She turned in surprise. Her bunkmate of last year—Amanda Willis—was sitting on the bottom of one of the beds, hidden in the shadows. Mandie rose from the bed.
“It’s fantastic to see you again. The school can use more students that are enthusiastic like you, Lily.” Leigh forced a smile, and replied, “It’s Ashleigh—and it’s, um, excellent, to see you too.” Quickly tossing her backpack on bottom bunk, she walked over to one of the dressers where her bags had already been brought up, and put her purse in one of the top drawers. Then, she snagged her jacket out of a suitcase, and hurried quickly out into the hall. Once outside, she jogged down the steps and out into the garden. She breathed in the fresh air, and looked around at all of the gorgeous plants and trees. There were hanging vines, stone walkways, benches, fountains, and even a couple stone picnic tables you could use to do your work on.
“Leigh!” She turned in surprise. There, on one of the stone benches, was Jake Willoughby, a 10th grader—he was one grade and one year older than she was. She smiled, and waved. He patted the bench beside him.
“Pull up some stone.” Leigh ran over, and sat down beside him. “So?” he said, running his ice-blue eyes over her. Leigh shivered: it felt and looked like he could see right through her.
“So what?” She questioned, tossing back her thick blonde hair.
“So how was your summer?” he replied, running a hand through his own blonde locks.
“Okay,” she said with a sigh. “Not great though.”
He nodded. “Same here.” Then, “I’ll teach you some more cello this year. Hey, we should do some lessons during free time like last year.”
Leigh smiled happily. “Sure! That’d be awesome.” She played piano, violin, and a little bit of flute and cello—Jake had started teaching her cello—his main instrument—the previous year.
Then, she remembered that she had promised to call her parents as soon as she got to school. “I’ll be right back, okay? I’ve gotta go call my mom.” Jumping up, she hurried toward a secluded area of the garden, drawing her cell phone out of her pocket as she went. After the call, she started back down the path, thinking that maybe this year might not be so bad after all. But as she drew nearer to the place where she had left Jake, she heard a voice she knew all too well: that of her archrival, Mark Smith. He was in Jake’s grade, and Leigh and Mark had despised each other for years. Quickly, she darted behind a tree and listened to Jake and Mark talking.
“I can’t you believe you still hang out with that girl. If it was me, I would dump her,” Mark said.
“Maybe you would do that, but I wouldn’t. Why don’t you like her?” Jake replied calmly.
“Never mind that,” Mark said roughly. “Why do you actually spend time her?” “Because—she’s nice, and funny. She’s also helped me a lot in my music. I’ve gotten a lot better at playing songs with other people because of her. If I’m going to get into good orchestras and a good college, that’s something I need to be good at.”
“Well, as I’m not a music freak like you and can’t relate to this conversation anymore, I think I’ll leave now,” Mark said acidly. He turned and walked away down one of the paths. As he disappeared, Leigh stepped out from behind the tree, and sat down beside Jake.
“Did you hear him?” Jake asked quietly. Leigh nodded somberly.
“Why do you think he hates me so much? I never did anything to him. I mean, I never did anything to him before he started making fun of me and everything.”
Jake frowned. “ I’m not sure, but I think maybe he’s jealous.”
“Jealous?” Leigh said incredulously. “Of what?”
“Well, you know—his parents are divorced, and yours aren’t. Your parents come to the concerts and drama performances that you’re in, and all that stuff. His parents have a bunch of money, but they barely ever write to him, or see him at all.” Ashleigh considered this idea for a minute.
“But why does he pick on me?” she pointed out. “There’s tons of other people in the school that are just like me.”
Jake scuffed the ground with his toe thoughtfully. “Maybe he likes you.”
“Ha, ha, so funny I forgot to laugh,” she shot back. “Seriously, what could it be?”
“I was serious,” Jake said quietly. She stared at him. “You have got to be joking. I mean, why would he like me?”
Jake turned and swung his legs up onto the bench, drawing them up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He then pushed his hair out of his eyes, a slightly amused expression on his face. “You’re not exactly ugly, you know.”
Leigh blushed. “But what else? I mean, Mark’s not the kinda guy that likes a girl just because they’re pretty,” she said quickly, trying to get over her embarrassment.
“Well, you’re funny, nice, and a good student—when you actually study,” he added, grinning. “Plus, everybody loves a blonde,” he said with a mischievous grin on his face. She frowned at him. But at that minute, the dinner bell rang.
“Come on,” Jake said with a smile. He pulled her off the bench, and they walked inside to the dining hall.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Leigh yawned, and rolled over. It was ten o’clock, and the whole school was—at least was supposed to be—in bed. She had gotten a good bed with a window, through which she could see the gardens, and for the first time she had an interesting bunkie—a new girl named Christina. There was also another new girl in their room named Natalie who had made almost immediate friends with Amanda. She smiled happily. She had a good feeling about this year.




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Good start! You have a nice way of describing things and that is definitely your strong suit when it comes to writing. However, a lot of the description needs to be broken up into more than one sentence, so that it flows together.

For example:

1stViolinS.C. wrote: Ashleigh Jones was 14 years old, lived in Ohio, had a best friend who had moved to Florida, went to a boarding school, and thought, like most teenagers, that her life was one of the most boring ones ever to be lived on the face of the earth.


This is too much info for one sentence. I think it would be better if you cut our the middle part so that it reads...

1stViolinS.C. wrote: Ashleigh Jones was 14 years old, lived in Ohio, and thought, like most teenagers, that her life was one of the most boring ones ever to be lived on the face of the earth.


You start to go into background detail and set up the family dynamic but you need to make it more clear that today is the first day of school. It got lost in the other details and I thought she was somehow just a day-tripper? Maybe you could weave the family details into their good-byes.

On a more random comment, when Jake is first introduced, he appears to be doing a lot of "running." He is "running" his eyes over her and "running" his hands through his hair, and Leigh "ran" over to him...it sounds like a marathon!

And lastly, Mark's dialogue with Jake seem unrealistic, especially his last speech--it's too rude and abrupt. It doesn't even seem like Jake and Mark are friends, so why would Mark bother talking to him? Or is he only making fun of him? If he is, would Jake want to defend Leigh or just choose to ignore Mark?

Keep going!!! You're doing fine! Can't wait to see what happens next.




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Now this is pretty long, and I don't have enough time to do it all right now, and I don't really just want to do half and half (because knowing me, I'll get too into the story =P), so what I'll do is copy it onto my computer and send you the review by mail instead, is that okay?
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."



Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White