Save a life.

I finnaly,finnaly wrote a poem.
It's the worst poem in the history of horrid poems.
Go ahead, laugh at it.
And then review it.

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Did you feel anything?
Did you get anything out of this poem?
Should i stick to writng Romanic Fiction and leave poetry to
Poets?
I wasn't really thinking about Imagery when I wrote this.
Last Question-Do you think this would be better if i made it into a song with a chourus and verse instead of a poem. (Because my friend does.)
(I'm starting a band and....well..you know. I want to see if I'm any good at writng lyrics)
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Write her a love letter.
Slip it in her pocket


When her parents fight
She’ll open that
Little, Love note.
And she’ll smile.
Her smile.

Write her a Love letter.
Slip it in her pocket.
When her boyfriend cheats
She’ll open that little love letter.
And She’ll smile
Her smile.

A love note can save a life.
You just have to make it right.
Call her by name.
Tell her what you really mean.



When her life crashes down
When her parents get divorced,
She’ll move away.
But she’ll keep that little love note.
To stop the
Shadow of despair
That leaks from the heart
Out her eyes.

Write a girl a
Little Love note.

You’ll save
A smile, a tear
A shoulder to cry on
A Life.
With that little love note.
Since everyone knows
Unspoken words
Are like daggers,
Thrust deep into the
Fragile fluttering
Of a heart.

Normally I would pick it apart but I like this. It seems really generic and it has this feel of sadness from the narrator even though he is supposedly happy for writing the love letter. Apparently writing it is not good enough to get him what he wants, but it is good enough to keep her content. Really this went pretty deep into how all people feel about having that one constant in their life. It might seem generic and silly at first but really that's because it's a boy talking about a girl and using words like love. I like it, but that's just me. I'm a corny kind of guy myself. But these things are whats important, trust me. Good job and thank you for posting you work. I look forward to reading more.

As a poem, I would have to tear it apart, piece by piece, and break your heart.

But...

As lyrics, I would not. I would think it was very nice, and, assuming it had a good melody, I would very much like it.



I win the World's Least Helpful Review award, right? But, anyway, I think this would do much nicer as lyrics. Good luck with your band!

~Evi

Now if only Ice could sing. We'll just have to get David some emo-hair and some pink skinny jeans so he can sing this, won't we? Our work never ends.

Personally I don't think that there is anything to hate this beautiful poem. And i disagree that this is not a poem. It is wonderful freestyle piece and i think it is great just as a poem. What it needs is a little change in the expression department, it sounds like you are sad that you are giving a girl a love letter. Make it slightly more happy and optimistic. Try listening to pop music if you can't get a happy feeling. And don't be so pessimistic and say that you your poem is bogus. It is good poetry and it is a good piece.

nice very nice you can sit in the big chairs now. I would normal pick things apart and say what I liked and didn't like bu there weren't that many. Althought I do say that you could probably expand on this, make it longer. It was really cute though, I really liked it, but I think you should rename it "love note" or something because you don't really save a life you help it from all crashing down. I think you moved a little fast but time, practice, and emotion. Well, good job for your first one, don't worry you'll get better at it.


-Max

Thank you everyone!
And HarelyQuin: I think David would look better with pink and blue hair. Like cotton candy.
He can wear my star headband.