Night visitor

Pippiedooda · 2009-01-15T20:24:31Z

I'm thinking of using this as the start to a story and would really appreciate any coments on how to improve and whether i should carry on with it. Thanks in advance! :D “I can hear you, I know you're there.” She kept her voice steady; she wouldn’t allow her fear to show. “I’m not scared of you, you know.” Surely they couldn’t see her hands shaking through the darkness? “You better stop hiding, or...” Her voice broke but she pushed on, attempting to bury her trembling tenor with menace. “Or there’ll be serious consequences.” A creak of floorboards- Holly spun to face the noise, eyes stretching wide to try and perceive a figure in the gloom. Was that laughter? She crouched, frozen, waiting for another sign of movement- but there was nothing. The steady tick-tock of the clock on the mantle piece was surely drowned out by her thumping heart. “I-I’m telling you.” She swallowed and clenched her hands into fists to still them, forcing them down by her sides. “I’m telling you to stop this.” Her voice was clear, it rang out into the blackened room. She waited. There was no answer. They can’t have gone, they’re waiting like me, waiting for something… “What do you want? Why are you here?” A brush of wind made Holly swivel to her right, she’d definitely seen something, as dark as it was she was sure there was a figure. Why won’t they answer? Despite the panic that ripped through her veins, she was going to have to move. To stay statuesque all night was ridiculous. She hadn’t done anything wrong so she had nothing to fear. She lifted her leg, the answering groan from the wood beneath her sent spasms throughout her body. Keeping a constant watch of her surroundings, eyes flickering back and forth, she hesitantly placed her foot down a few inches from its previous position. No response. “I’m leaving this room now; I’m going back to bed and I’m going to lock the door behind me. When I wake up tomorrow I’ll realise how silly I’ve been and I’ll laugh.” She tried to speak firmly, with conviction but such thoughts in the small hours held little comfort. Still, there was nothing. Feeling a little more sure of herself she moved the other leg, this time a bit further than the last step. “Do you really think I’ll allow that?” The whisper was from right behind her, she could feel the breath tickle her ear. Her whole body screamed, yet no noise escaped her lips. She hadn’t imagined that; someone was here. Someone was beside her- they were right next to her. This wasn’t some figment of her imagination that her mind had created to torment her. This was real. Run. She forced herself to pull every muscle into action. The door wasn’t far; she could make it. She had to make it. Run. Her legs pumped up and down, her arms pushed the air as she hurled every ounce of strength into propelling herself forwards. Run. Nearly there, the door handle was before her she could reach out and… “Got you.”

ZakkuAlpha

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Points 890

Reviews 17

Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:24 am

ZakkuAlpha says... · Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:24 am

Oh-oh! Nice, I loved how you built up the tension and displayed mystery. Overall this is very good, and I like it. Keep up the good work,

.

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WrittenSoul

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Points 608

Reviews 29

Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:42 pm

WrittenSoul says... · Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:42 pm

Oh. My. GOSH! That was incredibly well written! I'd offer to show you some punctuation mistakes but it looks like everyone else beat me to it! Like everyone else I was on the edge of my seat...but I hate cliches so how about I say that...I was eating a chocolate sundae with all the toppings-whipped cream and hot fudge paramount! *cough in other words: SUPERCALAFRAGILISTICEXPEALADOCIOUSLY GOOD! cough* So yes, I'm going to go read the other parts now, but I hope (no offense if you're a Twilight lover) that it doesn't have the same sort of thing going on as Twilight...and if you do make it have close to the same idea, at least make the non-human characters have flaws! (And everyone else too!) Other than that, you're good to go.

This short (possibly non-helpful) review was brought to you in part by...
~SOUL~ :smt059

"What you learn for yourself, you will know forever."
- Eugenides, A Conspiracy of Kings

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Dark Eyed Pixie

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Points 3540

Reviews 25

Sun May 24, 2009 9:17 am

Dark Eyed Pixie says... · Sun May 24, 2009 9:17 am

I really hope you continue this!
this is really good,
PM me when you have the next bit posted!
xxxx

Meet me here beneath the burning skies....

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Mandronette De Khyre

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Points 1190

Reviews 6

Sun May 24, 2009 4:20 pm

Mandronette De Khyre says... · Sun May 24, 2009 4:20 pm

Well...Like others i'd rather not give repitition to the other critiques of this peice but..
WOW
This litteraly got my heart pumping
I was ingulfedin the suspense and such vivid imagry of Holly's emotions.

This was just great! It is rae that a peice i reads gets as much of my attention as this did.

Please pm me if you plan on writing somemore.

Thank you.

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