the sacred ones

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there is a clearing in the woods. Not quite in the center of the clearing stands four rock slabs piled in such a way as to appear as an altar, ancient and mysterious. The druid stone. There are markings on the stone, perhaps left there by magic, perhaps left by nature’s course through time. Six friends stand, their backs against the Stone, as though bracing against it could save them. They’d been to the clearing many times before, but it was not theirs. In it was opened a portal to Hell; and Hell claimed it. This was the last stand, the final face-off. The portal to Hell would be closed now, tonight, or never. And it was up to the six gathered by Fate to close it.

The woods were glowing as if by paranormal fire. There was red and orange, like an evil fire, and the air smelled of smoke. Dark bluish-purple clouds had riddin in, rendering early evening to pitch blackness as blue-white lightning streaked, violently electrical, overhead. The six waited for the demon from Hell. “It’s coming,” Torque looked into Symbol’s eyes. They had seen it before, he and she. Symbol’s eyes swam as she looked at him with tears, with anger and sorrow. She took a breath and closed her eyes. Her eyes snapped back open to meet his. “I know,” she croaked. He nodded. They’d seen it, for better or worse, this, here and now was supposed to happen, to be happening. Whether or not he lived didn’t matter, because Torque knew they would beat it, destroy it, send it back to Hell. He’d seen it. And he could live with that. Or die for that, however it went down. He found Symbol’s hand as it began to rain glass. “I love you Symbol,” He whispered into her ear. Symbol squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her free hand to her mouth to suppress the sobs that threatened to wrack her entire body. She swiped at the tears that streaked across her face and looked pleadingly at him. “Torque…” was all she could manage, as fire erupted in a circle around the clearing. A rush of black shadows swept towards them, Crawling like Hideous Beatles. “Not real, not real.” Declared Red, earning a not from Cam, though the men maneuvered the women between themselves and the Druid stone. The shadows blew past them leaving a black fog and a sulfuric smell in the air. The Flames encroached and seem to take the shape of wolves, a vicious snarling pack. The fiery wolves moved closer with a breath of Hellish heat and their howling and snapping surrounded the six. A wolf of flames snapped at Red’s foot, rendering a shriek from Laura who clutched Red’s shoulder. Cam ripped off his shirt and waved it about his head, brandishing it like a whip, he smashed at a wolf. He shirt caught on fire Red turned and hoisted Laura ontop of the Druid Stone, then stood in front of her, hands ready to defend, eyes watchful on the Receding flames, which swept out like an ocean. There was a sucking, gasping, roaring sound as the wind exploded around them, as the Evil gathered himself. With a whoosh the wind stopped, the fire was gone, and the storm overhead was quiet as, in the center of the clearing, stood a boy. His skin was pale blue and his teeth were like daggers. He grinned at them over his shoulder as he paced before them, his eyes a fiery red. Laughter, dark and horrible, sprang up all around them. The boy lifted an abnormally long arm with a clawed-finger and pointed, as Hell tar and blood bubbled at the corners of his mouth. The laughter rang louder and its vibrations shook the ground. The boy grabbed his sides with the other hand and stood there, laughing. With the ground shaking like an Earthquake, Cam bent and chucked a stone at the boy. He missed. He bent to get another, nearly lost his balance, as the woods trembled. Red and Torque joined him, a stone finally striking home as the demon-boy disappeared in a Puff of blue-black smoke. The fire sprang back around the clearing, the sky erupted in glass, slicing with sharp shards through skin and clothes, the earth shook, and the laughter turned into a roaring.
Penny fell back and clutched the Druid Stone to regain her balance. Laura let out a gasp.
“Penn!” She shrieked over the howling that surrounded them.
“OPenny, touch the Stone again!” Laura fought to be heard.
“Touch it again!” Penny released the back of Cam’s shirt and struggled to lay her hands on the Stone. From the top of the stone, Laura could see lights glimmering inside the stone, like flickering Northern Lights from deep within the Stone. She shoved a hand over the side and helped Penny join her atop the Stone.
The flames around them were Rising and the cackling returned. Cam, Red, and Torque stood side by side as an enormous blackness creeped towards the Druid Stone. It swallowed the forest and then the flames at the edge of the clearing.
“Symbol!” Penn screamed from atop the Druid Stone. “We need her!” she screamed at Laura, who nodded. Three by three. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Laura thought grimly.
“Sym-bol!” she screamed, hoping her words wouldn’t be swallowed by the storm that raged around them.
Torque took the amulet from his pocket. He looked at Symbol, who was Choking back tears as emotion raged across her face.
“Please.” She trembled; both of her hands gripped his.
“It’s time.” He said.
“Don’t let go.” She said. “Don’t you let go.” Her hands crushed his around the amulet. He bent and kissed her, then gently pushed her towards the Druid Stone. He turned and joined Cam and Red in their face-off against evil. With one look back, to Symboll, he strode towards the darkness, and he leapt into the dark.
“No, no, no, no, no” symbol choked as she backed into the Druid Stone, her hands to her face. An explosion erupted from the blackness with a brightness so piercing that the light could almost be felt. Cam and Red were knocked to the ground, and the air rippled as an ear-splitting groan shook the woods.

Torque didn’t know what he was doing; he hadn’t exactly looked before he’d leapt. But he’d seen it this way before, and this was what he always needed to do to end it.
The darkness engulfed him, and all he had was agony. Excruciating agony that didn’t even belong in the category of pain. This is Hell, he thought. And he became dimly aware that he was screaming. On his knees, the amulet melted like lava in his hand as he tried desperately to hold onto it. No, he thought, as the stone was melting. He heard Symbol in his head. Hold on, she said. Don’t you let go. The fire in his arm was unbearable. Hold on, he thought. The fire was moving up his arm, throughout his body. The fire was in him, the amulet in him. blood and fire. There was light all around him. This is it, he thought, smile pretty. There was an unearthly scream, Torque gained his feet. images danced before his eyes. His life. His friends. The pain didn’t matter anymore. He threw his arms out as he realized the Light was coming from him. And he smiled.

The blinding flash of light was gone, and with it Evil. And on the scorched and blackened ground lay Torque, lifeless, his hand clasped around the amulet. Symbol let out a shrieking sob and dashed for him, followed by Cam and Penny, Red and Laura. “No!” She was on her knees, grabbing Torque into her arms. Sobbing, she held him.
Their friends knelt around them. They were saying something, to him, to her, she couldn’t tell. She threw her head back as her grief took her. Her attention was caught by the Druid Stone. The Northern Lights still played on it, but standing next to it, with a soft grin, walked Torque. he glowed with a kind of magic. Love, perhaps. Trust. She took a shaking breath as she looked into his eyes across the clearing.
“Don’t leave me!” She shook with sobs as she clutched his body. The Torque across the clearing inclined his head, acknowledging her.
“No.” She croaked “No you don’t!” She shouted at him.
She grabbed Red’s arm. “Help me!” She shrieked “Help me get him to the Stone!” They lifted him and laid him on top of the Stone as the Northern Lights rose around it. She looked desperately at the Torque standing across from her. “No” she shook her head in despair, “Please come back. Please.” The light from the Stone was dancing around them, and his own light began to disappear. She moaned and dropped her head onto his chest. And he took a breath.
“Torque? He’s breathing! He’s-“ Symbol let out a sobbing laugh as their hands met and clasped.
“We’ve got him” Cam said, letting out a breath of relief.
Sybmol’s lips met Rorque’s as they smiled into each other. “i love you, you idiot.” Symbol sighed.




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Hi there lil' Piggy

Firstly, I'd like to start off by congratulating you on your idea. Imagine, a portal between hell and our world, that would be pretty scary, so kudos for that. I wont lie though, I found the piece really tough to read. I'll explain. The first thing that I notice about your piece is an absence of capitalization in both the title and the first word of your passage. As such I immediately get the impression that you haven't put in the time necessary to make your work readable. Thankfully, I am proved wrong as your capitalization, and punctuation is far better for the rest of the story.

Now onto the concord of your piece. I found this unsettling as well, as many sentences that should be short are in fact long, and visa versa. In an attempt to create an epic fantasy feel, you have compromised the entire piece, and I couldn't help but find the writing style quite "wannabe" if you would. This also resulted in several words being misused, and sentences sounding clumsy.

Another thing that I noticed was that I couldn't relate to either your characters or your world. As soon as possible, we should find out the setting of the story, and to do this you need to show it to us. Now I understand this to be a short piece, and as such it is extremely difficult to build credible characters, or a credible world for that matter. As such, I would suggest that you write this in our world. We are all familiar with it, and therefore you don't need to describe it to us. Use credible people who we all can relate to. Remember that nobody is perfect, and for us to believe them, you need to build their flaws.

So, I would suggest that you rewrite this piece in our world. Try listen to other people talking so that you can get a feel for what credible dialogue sounds like. On that point, remember to start every person's dialogue on a new line. Also write naturally, after you have done this for a while, a natural style will emerge, and you will automatically be writing like a pro, without any inconceivable and incredible concord.

Have a good one, and good luck!
;)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522




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First off, I have to say that the whole portal to hell thing just seems a little overdone in my opinion. It's the main point of the doom video game series, and just overall doesn't capture me as too original. That one may just be me, though, so do what you wish with it.

On to your writing style. In some parts you begin to get into overly complicated sentences with many breaks and commas that disrupt the fluidity. You also need to start new paragraphs every time someone new speaks. Otherwise, your descriptions were pretty good, although you sometimes used words that weren't quite right for the situation, but those were mostly the dialogue tags. I also thought that the dialogue itself and the actions they performed between them seemed unfluid and somewhat out of place.

Now, onto your characters. The problem with this beginning is that you didn't describe what any of them looked like, so I couldn't put a face with the names, making them meaningless. There were also so many of them. I just got lost in all the names that belonged to characters that hadn't given any reason to get me to care about them. I'd suggest taking more time to individually introduce them.

Alright. One last thing. Now, I don't know what you have planned for this story, but when you brought Torque back from the dead, I kind of shook my head. Do you know why? Well, in your story, there will be many times when your characters' lives are in danger, and you've got to make readers truly wonder if they're going to die or not. To do this, you have to make the readers know that the characters aren't immortal (Not literally. You get what I mean, though, right? They have to at least think they could die). As an author, you have to show them that you have no problem with taking out a main character. This will increase the suspense during those fight scenes. Now, I'm not saying you have to kill a character off to do this, but what you should try to avoid, unless you find it completely necessary, is having a character die and then bring him back just like you did. By doing this at the beginning of your story, you've shown me that you'll probably keep all the main characters alive. This will lead me to always know that no matter how tough it gets, there will most likely be something to save them. Even if you do end up killing off a likable character, we may be surprised, but the suspense still wouldn't have been there before the death. It's just best not to have people who will obviously die be brought back to life in a "because I say so" fashion.

Anyway, overall this was interesting. Although I'm not a fan of the portal to hell thing, it was still entertaining enough for me. It was pretty good and you've got a good thing going. It just needs a bit of work.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.



I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights