The Tale Of The Tree Child

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There once was a young girl that lived in a world called Threa. Threa was a very large and beautiful world. There were trees that touched the clouds, rivers that could speak, and magick people that through their will could alter anything. The young girls name was Anamartix Sentarangano, and she grew up in a farming family, in the biggest kingdom in Threa, The Clicoux Treetop-Kingdom. The people there lived in peace and harmony with one another and nature. A place where the wind was always blowing, and the sun and moon were seen always.
One day, however Anamartix noticed early in the morning as she was tilling the fields that the sun would not rise. It was early morning, and she always had the sun rise as she did. Anamartix became very uneasy, and ran to the castle through moonlight to tell the Elders.
As she entered the castle chamber, she became puzzled to find no one there, only Dean-Fang The Apprentice stood on one of the thirteen pedastels.

Anamartix yells while out of breath "By the moon that change be done..., and by the sun that life be won. But when the moon...exceeds the sun, it is then the world they will shun!"

Dean is knocked out of concentration. His hands were held high as energy flowed between them. The power zips and whirls in a fiery light, and then becomes dark and disappears. He speaks to himself "This is the day...The day when there is no sun, only moonlight."

"What does that mean?" said Anamartix Puzzled.

The apprentice looks toward Anamartix with tears in his eyes. "The Lord and Lady are in conflict, and now we will all perish as the prophecy foretold."

"Where are the Elders? They were here yesterday singing in the courtyard, weren't they?"

"Yes they were child, but they only sang in hopes to calm them. But it was no use. Now the Elders have fled with the Priest-King Azkarron and Priestess-Queen Zarilya"

The room became darker, until blackness consumed them. Anamartix was done of her three years of school, and knew some magick. She tried to summon firelight into the dark chamber but it failed.

"This, my dear one, is the Goddess's might befalling us" Dean-Fang said sadly.

"Bu...Why, why would our Mother do this to us?" Anamartix spoke loudly.

"I don't know, I am sorr..." Dean-Fang said before being interuppted.

"Where did they go? The elders and the King and Queen, where?" she ordered.

"They went to The Great Mountain Shrinery." Dean said nervously. "But do not venture there, it is guarded by castle witches and the village people around it. Only those with a royal connection can go there" he said lastly as Anamartix ran out the door.

Anamartix ran to her home, and went to her father.

"Papa, get mama and Keithor out of this place, the Lord and Lady are in conflict and the Lord has descended and refuses to come up!" she runs over to the table and wraps some bread, cheese, and a small bottle of wine in a cloth and puts it in a bag.

Fraro, Anamartix's father, believes her and gathers up his family. They head for the mountain, as did all the people who believed. The moon shone down on the entire world, and lit the way for all as they journeyed toward the mountains. Anamartix ran from her home, but before she fled from the small village an old woman began crying her name.

"Anamartix! Anamart... Anamartix!" the old woman yelled.

Aanmartix turns around, and goes toward her. The old lady was a widdow, and an old protector of the Wiccan Order.

"My name is Avilya, and I know all about you. I have seen you in the stones, and I know how to help you." she says putting her arm on Anamartix. "You are the child that will save us from the Frozen Era. The tree child that will sustain the warmth of the world. You see the Lord and Lady, through no fault of their own, have disrupted the balance. This id due to the firey religion to the east that is headed our way, the Lord lights over them, in the hopes to stop them..." she pauses "But they cannot be harmed by the light of the sun, for their skin acts as a barrier to the God's power."

Anamartix asks nervously "Then why are they fighting?"

"Oh, my dear, they aren't. They can never fight, they are the completion of eachother. Neither can exist without it's opposite, and so they are infinitley in debt to one another. They, however, need to protect us and our people from the fiery religion from the east. The sun did not ascend, because he is in the east using his might to stop them. The Goddess, our Mother, protects us with her darkness. They cannot see in the dark like we can, and with their white skin they are easy to see." Avilya finishes with a light cough.

"This whole time, I thought we had done something wrong. That we deserved something horrible" said Anamartix shockingly.

"No. Panic is everywhere, but the main thing is to keep our wits in a time like this...especially yours. It is almost time; time when you will stop them, and tame them in the name of nature" Avilya says pointing to the moon. "Take this" she says handing her a broom "Fly towatd the moon and it will lead you to the mountain. The Elders and King and Queen will be there, with a bonfire as bright as the sun. You will see." She smiles "Go!"

The broom flies inderneath Anamartix, and takes her toward the moon. The fire on the mountain is very bright, and keeps the mountain lit. Anamartix is dropped off at the trail near the top of the mountain. A river flows nearby, and flowers cover the entire mountain. She walks up the grassy path, and finds the elders formed into a circle. They are all standing hands spread open, and chanting. The Priest-King and Priestess-Queen are talking amoungst themselves. She walks right up into the sacred area and is repelled from entering the circle. The Priestess anxiously walks over to her.

"Oh, My daughter, I have seen you in my dreams. You are the one who can lead us all from this danger." Zarilya speaks softly.

"I am no savior. I am just a farm-girl!" Anamartix yells frightened.

The moon turns and faces the mountain. The plants, and trees bow and the rivers rejoice. The Elders fall and bow on their hands and knees. The Priest bows as well, but mot the Priestess nor Anamartix. The Goddess begins to speak in a powerful voice like the swell of the ocean.

"Blessings to all my childeren. I am she who has giveth all the gift of life. But now, your lives and our teachings are at threat from the loom of a destructive faith that worships nothing but power, and ignorance. You have called me, and here I came in the light of the Full Moon to speak. Here now, for the one who will save you all is Anamartix. She is my child, as you all are. However, her spirit is the rebirthed one, the First Woman in the Beginning. She holds the power to stop these forces within her womb!" the ground lightly shakes as she finishes.

Anamartix feels her belly, and it is rounded and bright like a star. She becomes very silent and still. After a moment she speaks through the cold night "Yes Lady, I am she. I am the one who will summon the sun, and keep these contagious forces at bay."

The Goddess nods and in a great act says "Merry Meet my children, and Merry Part, and Merry Meet again." Her hair of stars flow outward, and return to their place, as her face turns.

One of the Elders sees something coming from the horizon. White people carrying X's on flags, and weapons of steel as they charge toward the mountain. Anamartix is blown down the mountain with a guiding wind, and lands very near to the leading general of the army. She tries to stand, but she pains in labor. The army stands puzzled, watching the young girl about to give birth. They expect a child, but they were not so imaginable.
Anamartix cries loudly as her bright belly is no more, and she pushes out her carriage. A great circle forms around her, and lights the ground. A line of priests and a large man with an execution axe begin to loom upon her. The sun hits the horizon and the darkness is broken, and the moon becomes very bright. A beam of moonlight encircles her as a single seed is brought forth from her. The earth shifts and pulls the seed within it.

A priest becomes irritated and slaps Anamartix so hard that he flinched himself. "Witch! Nothing but a worthless hag! Working demonic powers in front of our feet, you disgusting worm!"
The rest do the same. Another screams "Let's bring her back and see what we can do with her".
"No!" the general yells "She dies here. Let her blood spill on her land not ours". The general nods to the executioner with a smile.
The executioner walks closer with the axe and is about to strike when a rumbling below the earth is heard. A loud chant is heard from the Mountain, and lightning crackles with white light. The ground breaks, and out shoots strong and twisting trees; they intertwine with the priests and executioner putting an end to their being. For each life that died by the trees another tree would sprout. A giant circle of trees began to encompass the Cricoux Kingdom. So thick, that not even a hair could slip through.
Anamartix with her eyes closed rocks her self back and forth, but when she feels the sunlight on her back she feels peace and protection. She stands and with her arms held high looks toward the sun and moon as they pass by eachother in a great eclipse. All the people cheer, and as they do Anamartix roots her feet into the ground and stretches into a tree. Her Leaves burst and unfurl in the God's and Goddess's union. Her face is visible in the wood, and she smiles...forever. Her branches grow a new fruit that gives one the gift of future sight. Her roots extend all over the land, and even serves as a fence to her father's farm.

Frarro walks over to the tree that once was his dauhter, his wife clutching his arm "Why Goddess? Why?"

So the Goddess explained everything. How Anamartix from birth had a single purpose: to save the Cricoux people. How she kept a diary, and spoke to the Goddess for guidance when the day came. That she was aware and understood what would happen.

"Your daughter ran through a series of incarnations. This was her last. Everyone, my son, goes through this. To learn and experience all the secrets of life until they know all and can be with us." said the Goddess with love. "She died. But her spirit takes the form of this tree. It is her to be part of the earth now, and to be with her Mother and Father."

"I see now Goddess, but can you tell her..." Frarro speaks sadly.

"Do not cry my son, for she can communicate through her spirit. Just eat a fruit from her tree and for an entire day she can visit you. Always." the Goddess smiles. She reaches in the heavens and grabs stars. "Here, so we all may remember what she has done for Us and my children." Her hands form the stars into a tree, and ignite them to twinkle in the night forever. She smiles and disappears to be with her Lord.

"Thank you oh Great Goddess! Thank you oh Great God!" Frarro said and the Kingdom repeated.

The Kingdom walked toward the Castle Temple to celebrate their day. Frarro and his wife began to walk from the Tree of Anamartix, to the feast. Keithor, their son lays his hand on the tree and says "Thanks sis." and as he walked away he was sure, in all the comotion of the people, she replied "Blessed Be My Family!".





SOL




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Ok first off, is this the whole story? It seems like a short story though I just want to be sure.

I can't really give a good review on this though I have to say it felt extremely rushed and confusing. There's all this information you dumped either in narration or in dialogue that you obviously put there for a reason to show the reader what is happening. It didn't really work in my case because I still have no idea what happened. Show don't tell.

There's a few grammatical and spelling errors that I'm sure if you look over it again, you will find them :D


The Lord and Lady are in conflict


You must say this a million times...

Overall:
1. Slow Down (setting? characters?)
2. Show don't tell
3. Grammar/spelling

I have a feeling if this is to become a book of some sort, you need a prologue.

- JC
Oh yeah, welcome to YWS! feel free to PM me if you have any q's or help or to say hi.
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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I definitely have to agree with thefireinmeisJC on this one. It's too fast-paced, should be "stretched" out. But it was still an overall good plot.

Pros-
1. Good Plot!
2. Great names for the characters!
3. Good use of dialogue!
4. Not a lot of grammar mistakes

Cons-
1. Biggest grammar problem I seen were commas
2. Some cliché, but overall good.
3. It could use more description and detail to clarify location and unconfuse the reader.
4. Show, don't tell--more description

Your main things to work on are description and clarification/confusion. I totally agree, the bold part could be easily turned into a great prologue. PM me if you want help with that. I think you did a great job with this piece! I look forward to reading more of your writing! Keep up the good work!




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My comments are in bold following each paragraph

There once was a young girl that lived in a world called Threa. Threa was a very large and beautiful world. There were trees that touched the clouds, rivers that could speak, and magick people that through their will could alter anything. The young girls name was Anamartix Sentarangano, and she grew up in a farming family, in the biggest kingdom in Threa, The Clicoux Treetop-Kingdom. The people there lived in peace and harmony with one another and nature. A place where the wind was always blowing, and the sun and moon were seen always.

This is all tell and no show. Try to open with something a bit more gripping. There's the ever popular setting start, but if i were you, I'd go with an opening showing character, as there isn't really a lot of character in this peice that I saw. Ana seems more robotic than anything, and I don't really feel any sympathy for her.

One day, however Anamartix noticed early in the morning as she was tilling the fields that the sun would not rise. It was early morning, and she always had the sun rise as she did. Anamartix became very uneasy, and ran to the castle through moonlight to tell the Elders.

Again, show. Show us Ana's anxiety, don't just tell us "She was uneasy." How does her unease feel? What does she do about it? Does she control it? Does she give into it? Does she try to reassure herself? Also, second sentence is awkward "she always had the sun rise as she did." How exactly does one have the sun rise? perhaps "always rose with the sun" or "saw the sun rise as she did".

As she entered the castle chamber, she became puzzled to find no one there, only Dean-Fang The Apprentice stood on one of the thirteen pedastels.

Between this paragraph and the next, you inexplicably change into present tense.

Anamartix yells while out of breath "By the moon that change be done..., and by the sun that life be won. But when the moon...exceeds the sun, it is then the world they will shun!"

Mmmkay, not sure about the prophetic poetry here. It's a bit cliche, and besides, why would she just decide to yell it out? I'm not getting a real feel for your characters. Also, inexplicable ellipses are a no-no.

Dean is knocked out of concentration. His hands were held high as energy flowed between them. The power zips and whirls in a fiery light, and then becomes dark and disappears. He speaks to himself "This is the day...The day when there is no sun, only moonlight."

"is knocked" - try to avoid passive voice. Yes, there are times when it is appropriate, but here, it's so easy to say "her shouts broke his concentration." Plus you use "were held" the next sentence, and two passives in a row just doesn't read well.

"What does that mean?" said Anamartix Puzzled.

See, she just yelled out the prophecy, so why is she the one puzzled?

The apprentice looks toward Anamartix with tears in his eyes. "The Lord and Lady are in conflict, and now we will all perish as the prophecy foretold."

"Where are the Elders? They were here yesterday singing in the courtyard, weren't they?"

"Yes they were child, but they only sang in hopes to calm them. But it was no use. Now the Elders have fled with the Priest-King Azkarron and Priestess-Queen Zarilya"

tense switch

The room became darker, until blackness consumed them. Anamartix was done of her three years of school, and knew some magick. She tried to summon firelight into the dark chamber but it failed.

"This, my dear one, is the Goddess's might befalling us" Dean-Fang said sadly.

"Bu...Why, why would our Mother do this to us?" Anamartix spoke loudly.

"I don't know, I am sorr..." Dean-Fang said before being interuppted.

"Where did they go? The elders and the King and Queen, where?" she ordered.

"They went to The Great Mountain Shrinery." Dean said nervously. "But do not venture there, it is guarded by castle witches and the village people around it. Only those with a royal connection can go there" he said lastly as Anamartix ran out the door.

This last part was very info-dumpy. Also, watch your dialogue tags. You don't need one every time someone speaks, and try to avoid using -ly adjectives with the tags. I'm a supporter of -ly adjectives everywhere else, but dialogue tags should be next to invisible: let the dialogue speak for itself.


Anamartix ran to her home, and went to her father.]

Another tense switch.

"Papa, get mama and Keithor out of this place, the Lord and Lady are in conflict and the Lord has descended and refuses to come up!" she runs over to the table and wraps some bread, cheese, and a small bottle of wine in a cloth and puts it in a bag.

Fraro, Anamartix's father, believes her and gathers up his family. They head for the mountain, as did all the people who believed. The moon shone down on the entire world, and lit the way for all as they journeyed toward the mountains. Anamartix ran from her home, but before she fled from the small village an old woman began crying her name.

This has the potential to be such a visual and emotional passage. What is it like for the people to leave their homes and everything they've ever known behind? Also, another tense switch, this time in the same paragraph.


"Anamartix! Anamart... Anamartix!" the old woman yelled.

Aanmartix turns around, and goes toward her. The old lady was a widdow, and an old protector of the Wiccan Order.

same paragrpah tense switch

"My name is Avilya, and I know all about you. I have seen you in the stones, and I know how to help you." she says putting her arm on Anamartix. "You are the child that will save us from the Frozen Era. The tree child that will sustain the warmth of the world. You see the Lord and Lady, through no fault of their own, have disrupted the balance. This id due to the firey religion to the east that is headed our way, the Lord lights over them, in the hopes to stop them..." she pauses "But they cannot be harmed by the light of the sun, for their skin acts as a barrier to the God's power."

Anamartix asks nervously "Then why are they fighting?"

"Oh, my dear, they aren't. They can never fight, they are the completion of eachother. Neither can exist without it's opposite, and so they are infinitley in debt to one another. They, however, need to protect us and our people from the fiery religion from the east. The sun did not ascend, because he is in the east using his might to stop them. The Goddess, our Mother, protects us with her darkness. They cannot see in the dark like we can, and with their white skin they are easy to see." Avilya finishes with a light cough.

Again, info-dumping and tags. Watch for it. I really like the direction of the plot at this point - the idea that the sun and moon are conscious entities able to control thier movements intrigues me.

"This whole time, I thought we had done something wrong. That we deserved something horrible" said Anamartix shockingly.

tags

"No. Panic is everywhere, but the main thing is to keep our wits in a time like this...especially yours. It is almost time; time when you will stop them, and tame them in the name of nature" Avilya says pointing to the moon. "Take this" she says handing her a broom "Fly towatd the moon and it will lead you to the mountain. The Elders and King and Queen will be there, with a bonfire as bright as the sun. You will see." She smiles "Go!"

The broom flies inderneath Anamartix, and takes her toward the moon. The fire on the mountain is very bright, and keeps the mountain lit. Anamartix is dropped off at the trail near the top of the mountain. A river flows nearby, and flowers cover the entire mountain. She walks up the grassy path, and finds the elders formed into a circle. They are all standing hands spread open, and chanting. The Priest-King and Priestess-Queen are talking amoungst themselves. She walks right up into the sacred area and is repelled from entering the circle. The Priestess anxiously walks over to her.

"Oh, My daughter, I have seen you in my dreams. You are the one who can lead us all from this danger." Zarilya speaks softly.

"I am no savior. I am just a farm-girl!" Anamartix yells frightened.

The moon turns and faces the mountain. The plants, and trees bow and the rivers rejoice. The Elders fall and bow on their hands and knees. The Priest bows as well, but mot the Priestess nor Anamartix. The Goddess begins to speak in a powerful voice like the swell of the ocean.

"like the swell of the ocean" - Wonderfully vivid description. I love that.

"Blessings to all my childeren. I am she who has giveth all the gift of life. But now, your lives and our teachings are at threat from the loom of a destructive faith that worships nothing but power, and ignorance. You have called me, and here I came in the light of the Full Moon to speak. Here now, for the one who will save you all is Anamartix. She is my child, as you all are. However, her spirit is the rebirthed one, the First Woman in the Beginning. She holds the power to stop these forces within her womb!" the ground lightly shakes as she finishes.

Anamartix feels her belly, and it is rounded and bright like a star. She becomes very silent and still. After a moment she speaks through the cold night "Yes Lady, I am she. I am the one who will summon the sun, and keep these contagious forces at bay."

okay, some bipolar form Ana. Just moments ago, she was frightened and yelling that she couldn't be a savior. I think one thing you need to make this plot truly effective is some understanding of your MC's character. what does she want? What does she love? What scares her? What makes her angry? I'm not seeing any of this in here - she's just going through the motions, saying the words she's supposed to say. She doesn't feel _alive_

The Goddess nods and in a great act says "Merry Meet my children, and Merry Part, and Merry Meet again." Her hair of stars flow outward, and return to their place, as her face turns.

One of the Elders sees something coming from the horizon. White people carrying X's on flags, and weapons of steel as they charge toward the mountain. Anamartix is blown down the mountain with a guiding wind, and lands very near to the leading general of the army. She tries to stand, but she pains in labor. The army stands puzzled, watching the young girl about to give birth. They expect a child, but they were not so imaginable.

"Were not so imaginable" I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean. Also, how old is Ana? Depending on her age, you might want to be careful about your subtext.

Anamartix cries loudly as her bright belly is no more, and she pushes out her carriage. A great circle forms around her, and lights the ground. A line of priests and a large man with an execution axe begin to loom upon her. The sun hits the horizon and the darkness is broken, and the moon becomes very bright. A beam of moonlight encircles her as a single seed is brought forth from her. The earth shifts and pulls the seed within it.

good imagery, though it still could use a little more vividness. "begin to loom upon her" is awkward. Also, the sentences in this paragraph all had very similar structure and rhythm, making it a bit dull to read.

A priest becomes irritated and slaps Anamartix so hard that he flinched himself. "Witch! Nothing but a worthless hag! Working demonic powers in front of our feet, you disgusting worm!"


The rest do the same. Another screams "Let's bring her back and see what we can do with her".

"No!" the general yells "She dies here. Let her blood spill on her land not ours". The general nods to the executioner with a smile.

The executioner walks closer with the axe and is about to strike when a rumbling below the earth is heard. A loud chant is heard from the Mountain, and lightning crackles with white light. The ground breaks, and out shoots strong and twisting trees; they intertwine with the priests and executioner putting an end to their being. For each life that died by the trees another tree would sprout. A giant circle of trees began to encompass the Cricoux Kingdom. So thick, that not even a hair could slip through.

Language is a bit indirect "Putting an end to their being." How is this any more effective than simply "Killed"? If you want something that's more euphamistic, then at least try to go with something visual or emotionally charged.

Anamartix with her eyes closed rocks her self back and forth, but when she feels the sunlight on her back she feels peace and protection. She stands and with her arms held high looks toward the sun and moon as they pass by eachother in a great eclipse. All the people cheer, and as they do Anamartix roots her feet into the ground and stretches into a tree. Her Leaves burst and unfurl in the God's and Goddess's union. Her face is visible in the wood, and she smiles...forever. Her branches grow a new fruit that gives one the gift of future sight. Her roots extend all over the land, and even serves as a fence to her father's farm.

Frarro walks over to the tree that once was his dauhter, his wife clutching his arm "Why Goddess? Why?"

So the Goddess explained everything. How Anamartix from birth had a single purpose: to save the Cricoux people. How she kept a diary, and spoke to the Goddess for guidance when the day came. That she was aware and understood what would happen.

Again, doesn't jive with what we've seen of Ana throughout the piece. And for this to really be effective, we need to know more about Ana's character. How does being destined from birth to do something and knowing that she's going to have to affect her? Again, the most important thing to know about your characters is what they want. Does Ana want to sacrifice herself?

"Your daughter ran through a series of incarnations. This was her last. Everyone, my son, goes through this. To learn and experience all the secrets of life until they know all and can be with us." said the Goddess with love. "She died. But her spirit takes the form of this tree. It is her to be part of the earth now, and to be with her Mother and Father."

"I see now Goddess, but can you tell her..." Frarro speaks sadly.

Tags

"Do not cry my son, for she can communicate through her spirit. Just eat a fruit from her tree and for an entire day she can visit you. Always." the Goddess smiles. She reaches in the heavens and grabs stars. "Here, so we all may remember what she has done for Us and my children." Her hands form the stars into a tree, and ignite them to twinkle in the night forever. She smiles and disappears to be with her Lord.

"Thank you oh Great Goddess! Thank you oh Great God!" Frarro said and the Kingdom repeated.

The Kingdom walked toward the Castle Temple to celebrate their day. Frarro and his wife began to walk from the Tree of Anamartix, to the feast. Keithor, their son lays his hand on the tree and says "Thanks sis." and as he walked away he was sure, in all the comotion of the people, she replied "Blessed Be My Family!".

Keithor has never been mentioned before. And his words seem to break with your lofty tone.

Overall comments:

You've got some lovely language here, but I'm really feeling a lack of substance - characterwise, at least. Plot is solid. As for theme, message, subtext, whatever, I feel that the idea is a bit skewed, but that's more my opinion than anything else. More concentration on character might help make your theme clearer, no matter what it may be. Try not to info-dump. Background, backstory, and setting should be revealed slowly and naturally, growing, as it were, from the actions of the characters and the direction of the story. It needs a lot of work, but there's a lot of potential in here, and a lot for you to work with.

If you have any questions, comments, or quibbles with anything I've said, please feel free to pm me. I hope to see more of your work, and maybe read a revised version of this piece.

~Annie




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I liked it, you've already been corrected on other things so I'll just praise it. I thought it gave a very insightful view into the traditions and views of Wicca. I do agree that if this isn't a short story, the characters and settings need more details. But I really do like you're story.
How do ya like that box of papers?!



To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics