The end of the pier

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The sleek black Mercedes sped down the highway, dodging in between other vehicles. Behind the wheel sat the thin frame of Jessica Hughes. Her fingers where tapping along with the rhyme of the song blasting through the speakers. With her large sunglasses on her nose and straight blonde hair; Jessica was the envy of all girls at her college.

With rich parents and superstar friends Jessica could easily bag any guy on campus; but her heart belonged to the school nerd, Matt. They had met her senior year in high school. Immediately Jessica felt drawn to him. When the socially awkward young man finally got up the courage to ask Jessica out, she said yes. 2 years later their relationship was still going strong.

Rolling down the windows, Jessica let the warm summer air of North Carolina blow through her long hair. Her blue eyes stayed trained on the road ahead, waiting for exit 65. Matt had written a list of instructions that she was to “follow strictly” in his words. Jessica smiled at the thought of Matt planning a romantic date.

Half an hour later the smell of salt water filled Jessica’s nose as she stepped out of her car. A light breeze played with her hair while Jessica slipped off her sandals. She tugged at the bottom of her cut-off shorts before taking her instruction paper out of her pocket.

Advance to the end of the pier

The paper read in Matt’s scribble he called handwriting. “The end of what pier?” Jessica whispered softly to herself. She looked up, shielding her eyes from the scorching sun that beat down on her bear legs.

The sand felt warm and smooth as it shifted beneath Jessica’s weight. The color of the crashing waves matched the soft blue of her eyes. The cries of laughing children filled Jessica’s ears as her thought wondered. Far above her head a seagull squawked loudly before diving towards the surface of the waves.

The heat of the subsiding day made drops of sweat appear on her tan forehead. “Why did I park so far away?” Jessica groaned as she sank into the temperate sand. She wriggled her feet around, loving the feeling of the grains slipping between toes. Falling onto her back, Jessica closed her eyes; allowing the warmth of the sun to soak into her smooth skin.

“Wow,” his slightly high-pitched voice said. Jessica’s eyes flew open. The dark blue sky above her as scattered with glowing stars. The beach around her was silent except for the roar of the waves. With a shiver Jessica realized the sand beneath her body had cooled immensely. “I thought you might have been able to make it. But I guess not.”

“Matt?” Jessica mumbled, cuddling closer to his warm body that was stretched out beside her. “I fell asleep?”

“Yes,” Matt chuckled. Moonlight illuminated his face, making his green eyes sparkle. “You’re less than 100 yards from the pier.” Jessica felt him wiggle uncomfortably.

“What’s wrong?” Jessica whispered, sitting up and staring into Matt’s nervous face. “You’re sweating.” She fretted, placing her cool hand on his flushed cheek. Matt leaned into her grip, inhaling deeply. “Matty,” Jessica breathed as she crawled into his lap.

Matt tightened his grip on her thin frame and placed his moist lips on her cheek. “Will you marry me?” He murmured into her golden hair. Jessica turned, her blue eyes locking with his green ones. She searched his face before nodding slowly. Then the smile Matt loved so much split across her face.




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I thought this was a good story, really sweet ending! :D There were a couple of things i thought could be improved on but overall i enjoyed reading it- to me it was the type of story that leaves you smiling once you've finished.

Her fingers where tapping along with the rhyme of the song blasting through the speakers. With her large sunglasses on her nose and straight blonde hair; Jessica was the envy of all girls at her college.


Where you wrote rhyme do you mean rythm? I think that would make more sense. Also i think you need something extra in 'her large sunglasses on her nose' like perched on her nose. I'm not sure about 'Jessica was the envy of all girls at her college.' either, i think every girl at her college would fit instead of all girls. Where should be were.

“Wow,” his slightly high-pitched voice said.


I think said could be replaced with something like woke her, or broke through her sleep or even 'Jessica heard his slightly high pitched voice from somewhere beside her'.

There were also a couple of little mistakes that can be easily corrected, like thoughts instead of thought and tanned instead of tan.

Other than that i'd say it was a great story! :)




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This was a really good short story I liked the beginning with all the detail about the beach and the happy ending. the only thing that I saw that you used some numbers that should be spelled out.

Also you need to make two reviews before you post something new. people will get on your case about that trust me and they have to be long enough that it says your review counted and how much points you've earned.

the best of luck :wink:

Aly :D




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Hello, Katie!

First things first, I am one huge sucker for romances like this so thumbs-up to you for making me smile.

However, there were many, and might I add more empasis on many cliches! Too many to count to be exact. Really broaden your characters. Don't make her the school princess and him the nerdy prince. That has been overused way too much. Make them different, unique! Make them your own :wink:

Next, why did she suddenly pass out on the beach? That was the only confusing part for me... Make that more clear.

Otherwise, I thought it was cute. You have a good idea. Just tweak it a little here and there and you'll be good :wink:

~ashley
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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This is a good start, but I want to hear more of their backstory. How they met, or how she feels about him, what their relationship is like...

I like the idea of this note--very romantic--but is it part of a scavenger hunt? How did she get the note? Was she nervous/excited/worried? You're gonna to want to widen the scope of the story a bit, just so we can get a clearer picture.

It also seems like you rushed the ending a bit, you should build up the tension a little more--was he angry? Or worried?

Your description of the setting is great and I can start to get a sense of the type of girl Jessica is, but go more into her background, and make Matt and their relationship real to us.

Nice job, keep writing!!!




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It was really nice readin it. I liked it except that it was kind of very cliche. Try something different next time
Though, I did like the style of your writing, it's nice!

katiexnoway wrote:The sleek black Mercedes sped down the highway, dodging in between other vehicles. Behind the wheel sat the thin frame of Jessica Hughes. Her fingers whereshould be were tapping along with the rhyme of the song blasting through the speakers. With her large sunglasses on her nose and straight blonde hair; I'm not sure but shouldn't it be a comma here?


Jessica’s ears as her thought wondered

Her thought wondered? Wondered about what? Or should it read her thoughts wandered

~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.




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