Guardian Angel (EDIT)

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Ok, for all people who looked at my previous post...you can throw most of that away : - )

Prologue

The air was warm. The soft grass twinkled with morning dew clinging on to it like a million diamonds being spread out on the ground. The crescent moon stared down from the sky with gleaming eyes. It was a perfect night to escape.
Scccrrrreeeeeccccchhhhh. A window of Reverie’s own Time Out Center opened. The sound couldn’t have been more than a whisper in the winds—a skill learned of a true con artist. Though this was no skill—this was pure instinct. A white sheet bunched together with rubber bands was thrown out of the window and was slowly lowered towards the ground. A classic get away. The shape of a head poked out of the window and looked around like a vulture scanning his territory. The coast was clear and all was ready to make the escape that would go down in history. Escaping The Big Guy. As a ghostly shadow was nearly half way down the rope on the side of the building, a yelp and a grunt could be heard. A scarlet red line made its way down the rope as if someone took a petite paint brush and stroked the white sheet with a shaky hand. The shadow made its first mistake.

When the shadow met the last of its rope, it jumped down onto the ground. And at that, he ran into the distance. His now stained white rope was left dangling out of the window, swinging gently back in forth like how a mother rocks her child to sleep. The shadow trekked through the front lawn of the Time Out Center and didn’t dare look back. With each step onto the golden pavement lined with rubies, its gait became more and more filled with pride.
The shadow stopped walking. Little circles of dirt where spinning around at his feet. The air went cold. Suddenly, a tornado seemed to enclose the shadow in itself. A scream could be heard. But just as the shadow was about to let out another blood-curdling yell, it stopped. The wind died down and the dirt fell back in place. But, the shadow was no where to be seen. It was gone.
On the other far end of the street, someone slowly appeared in thin air. It was a woman with long frizzy dreadlocks wearing flowing purple robe with exquisite patterns. Her skin was a very dark tan yet radiated with this magnificent light all around her. Her eyes were brown and shined even more brightly almost like a cat’s. Though, there something about her eyes that was captivating. There was something almost heavenly.

Chapter 1

I shuddered as my mother’s depressed face slowly transformed into that you-know-what-so-don’t-even-ask type of look. I felt warm tears trickle out of my eye sockets.
“I-I thought w-we were staying h-here.” I stammered between sniffs. I could feel the anger and sadness building up in both us.
“R-right?”
“It depends.” She grunted and turned the heels of her shoes towards the front door and walked out. The door made the usual screeching noise and then made a head on collision with the entryway sending an earthquake throughout the house. And at that, I was alone in the house again.
I wanted to scream at her sometimes. I love my Mom but sometimes she didn’t seem like a Mom at all. She acted more like my friends like when we play around with make up and our cell phones. Usually, I think that having your mother as your best friend is a blessing though now it’s just being childish. Young and foolish. I wipe the tears off my face with my sleeve. I hate crying though the Beatles usually cheer me up. “Help” has been my favorite song lately but that would mean I would have to walk by the cabinet. The cabinet filled with the millions of vinyl records that Dad collected.
I sigh and walk over to the kitchen table to rest my legs after a long screaming-and-crying-my-anger-out-at-mom sessions. The table is horribly messy with newspapers, applications, and obituaries that there isn’t a clear space to rest my elbows and think. Thinking used to be my favorite past time though now I wish I would get out of the habit. A long thinking session is now notorious for ending in tears. So, instead of letting my thoughts roll into my mind like a conveyor belt, I try to limit my thoughts to those of what I can do next.
The house is abnormally quiet so it is almost sweet to just sit and listen to the noises you are usually oblivious to. The vent is making a whistling sound and I can hear the distant humming of my computer. Though, the silence was short-lived. Unfortunately.
Riiiinnnnnngggggg. I jump at the sound of the phone and hurry to the other side on the room where the counter is.
RRiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggg. I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.
RRRRiiiiiiin-. Gotcha.
“Hello?” I said.
“Are you alone?” It was him again. His deep husky voice seemed to sink into my skin with sharp rabid teeth.
“Can anyone hear you?” He sounded annoyed. I could feel a cold line of sweat tear down my back. My palms suddenly were barely clasping around the phone.
“I…I don’t know.” I stammered.
“Look, Jesse, when you’re ready to talk,” His voice changed to almost parental.
“I’ll be here. Waiting.”
“Ok.” I said.
Click.
I slowly put the phone down as if my slow motion would make it that the phone call never happened. This is the third time he’s called. I don’t know his name. But he knows mine.


Hope this isn't as confusing!
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Hi!

I haven't read you're previous one, so I'm going to comment only on this.

Scccrrrreeeeeccccchhhhh. A window of Reverie’s own Time Out Center opened. The sound couldn’t have been more than a whisper in the winds


The screeeech gives the impression of something majorly loud. Doesn't do well here.
A white sheet bunched together with rubber bands was thrown out of the window and was slowly lowered towards the ground.
Thrown and lowered?? I don't get it.

I could feel the anger and sadness building up in both us.
Should be in both of us.
I wanted to scream at her sometimes.
It just doesn;t sound ok. You could do with I felt like screaming at her or something like that.

I hate crying though the Beatles usually cheer me up. “Help” has been my favorite song lately but that would mean I would have to walk by the cabinet.
You should try rephrasing it, I get what you're trying to say but it isn't quite right.

Thinking used to be my favorite past time though now I wish I would get out of the habit. A long thinking session is now notorious for ending in tears. So, instead of letting my thoughts roll into my mind like a conveyor belt, I try to limit my thoughts to those of what I can do next.
I like this! Nice insight!

The house is abnormally quiet so it is almost sweet
I 'm thinking it should be comma so.

The house is abnormally quiet so
I think it should be The house is abnormally quiet , so...

I really didn't get the prologue, But I guess it isn't meant to.

One thing, for word describing sounds (What are these things called again? Onomatopoeia or something right?? Can someone tell me? Thanks) it would be (and look) better if you italicize them.


Nice work on the whole, I liked it! Waiting to read more of it!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Consider everything forgotten!

Scccrrrreeeeeccccchhhhh.


It's not a good idea to draw out sounds, or even write the actual sound's name down as it's own sentence.

The sound couldn’t have been more than a whisper in the winds—a skill learned of a true con artist.


How does sentence 2 fit in with sentence 1? Because right now they feel like they don't fit together.

A classic get away.


Hmm, Since you haven't mentioned that the sheet has anything, this line can be confusing.

Escaping The Big Guy.


Uncapitalize "the"; put a colon ( : ) before "Escape" and uncapitalize it if you do that.

As a ghostly shadow was nearly half way down the rope on the side of the building, a yelp and a grunt could be heard.


I'd flip this around to make it clearer. Ie- the stuff after the comma goes first, the stuff before, second.

A scarlet red line made its way down the rope as if someone took a petite paint brush and stroked the white sheet with a shaky hand.


"Petite" in french means small. I'm wondering what you mean with that.

The shadow made its first mistake.


Why is that a mistake? Btw- You can tell us that later.

swinging gently back in forth like how a mother rocks her child to sleep.


There is such a thing as too many similes. This one here is pushing it.

you-know-what-so-don’t-even-ask type of look.


Long connected strings of words in prose (even dialogue) tend to get skimmed. I think it'd be possible to break this up into something that will get read.

I felt warm tears trickle out of my eye sockets.


You don't need "sockets" here. End with "eyes."

“R-right?”


Keep this in the paragraph above, since it's the same person speaking.

She grunted and turned the heels of her shoes towards the front door and walked out.


The way this is written now, it can read that only her heels walked out. Try adding "on" before heels to fix that.

I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.


Put thoughts in italics. Same note about the sounds for the phone ringing.

Look, Jesse, when you’re ready to talk,


I consider Jesse to be a guy's name, when it seems your MC is a girl.

Atmosphere- Pretty nice! You could stand to have a little less telling (the sounds, for instance) but who couldn't? And I find some stuff is missing about her family. Are her parents divorced? Did her dad die? Just fill in a handful of details and this will really shine.

Overall- Much better then the first draft. There is something to grab us now, and we are no longer thrown into things head on. I am rather curious as to how the prologue fits into this, but I'm sure that will be revealed in time.

Keep it up!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Yeah, i know. Though I like the name Jesse, so I made it a girl anyway. :D
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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I'm not really good with editing stories. ^_^;
That's why I get a beta person to edit for me at fanfiction.net.
The only thing I can find wrong, what's left to find wrong anyways, is...

The house is abnormally quiet so it is almost sweet to just sit and listen to the noises you are usually oblivious to.


I'd change the you to I.
I do want to read more, it's very interesting ^_^ Especially since the prologue.




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This will be my first review, and I hope it doesn't offend. I also hope that I don't nitpick too much. Well, here goes nothing.

As a ghostly shadow was nearly half way down the rope on the side of the building, a yelp and a grunt could be heard.

Before a yelp, try using a semicolon instead of a comma.

His now stained white rope was left dangling out of the window, swinging gently back in forth like how a mother rocks her child to sleep.

I think it should be like a mother rocking her child to sleep.

Little circles of dirt where spinning around at his feet.

I think you meant were instead of where.

On the other far end of the street, someone slowly appeared in thin air. It was a woman with long frizzy dreadlocks wearing flowing purple robe with exquisite patterns.

Wearing a flowing purple robe...

Her skin was a very dark tan yet radiated with this magnificent light all around her.

Yet it radiated with this...


She acted more like my friends like when we play around with make up and our cell phones.


The second like over there sounds awkward and is, in fact, very confusing.

“Look, Jesse, when you’re ready to talk,” His voice changed to almost parental.

Changed to almost parental is somewhat awkward too. Try his tone changed to an almost parental one.

My palms suddenly were barely clasping around the phone.

The word suddenly is misplaced in the sentence.

Your verb tenses are inconsistent. One moment you're using the present tense, the next you're using past tense.

The story itself has plenty of potential. It's still the first chapter, so I can't really say much about the plot yet.

Sincerely,

Black Halo




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And at that, he ran into the distance.

At first you were calling this shadow an it and now you are calling it a he.

The shadow stopped walking.

I thought it was running?

I love my Mom but sometimes she didn’t seem like a Mom at all.

The second mom isn't being addressed to anyone particular, I think it doesn't need to be capitalized.

It seems like everybody else got all of the other things!
I like how you keep the chapters really short!

I really liked! keep writing!

La!




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Hey there, JC
I was requested, so here I come ;)

'Kay, I shall not critique grammar etc, 'cuz you said you didn't want me to. xD

I'm afraid this is just going to be a short review because I don't have much time :(

The grammar did need some work, but I don't really care about that, I'm more for the content of the story. I want to delve deep inside it and see what you really mean, what you want to convey to the reader. I don't care about things on the surface. Grammar can go to hell ;)
I absolutely love the ending, you made it very suspenseful, and encouraged the reader to read more, so as to find out what is going on. I liked that; I want to know who the speaker on the phone is, why he's phoning up this person, and who this person is. I want to search within these characters and remove from them their souls. I want to know...

So, let's see...
The characters interest me. They're not very well developed yet, but I do want to know more about them, which is encouraging ;) They interest me.

Hmmm... what do I think about the characters? This is the point where I really want to find their meanings. The reasons they are in this story, what their point is in it and why. First we have Jesse, so, let's start very basic:
I get the feeling Jesse is a child, as she refers to her mother as mum, and worries about something family related? I'm not exactly sure what she's worrying about, but it is something. Yet... there's something very sad about Jesse, it's almost as if she signifies losing innocence. Yes, indeed:

The death of innocence.

Sad, but interesting subject matter. That said, I could be looking into this story too deeply, maybe I got the wrong message, meh... I tend to go way too deep into things :)

The man on the phone is intriguing. He's probably the main reason your readers will read on so far, he is luring us into a trap, that if you create properly, will be great. We don't really care for Jesse so far, 'cuz we've got nothing to empathise with. Without empathy we won't really care what happens to your characters. That said, you must be very subtle when trying to do this. Don't give us long passages about how sad and alone she is; just little glimpses, fragments.

Be careful also, about telling instead of showing. You have much too many cases of telling in this story, and a lack of showing. Just be careful with that, 'kay? :D

Overall:
This was a good piece. I enjoyed it. You created good suspense, and I look forward to reading more.

Sorry for a kinda short review
^^
___


Hope I helpeddd ;)


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~Kirsten
xxx
for what are we without words and stories?



I can factcheck ur flashback outfits
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