Guardian Angel (I will change title later)

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Hope you enjoy it! :D

Chapter 1

What: The small mutterings of someone heard by Willow Reed.
When: The time was not recorded and isn’t entirely relevant to the story anyway. There’s no real time in Reverie, though for convenience, we shall say it was midnight.
Where: Outside the Time-Out Center on Grace Street.
Why: No particular reason.
How: Mrs. Reed was on her way to Dr. Henry’s Bakery also on Grace St. and happened to walk by the center. That’s when she heard the sound.
Who: Michael Randall

Well, that’s basically the beginning. Dr. Hathaway told me to write the what, the when, the where, the how, the who, and the why on every event in the Randall case. As such, I will start at the beginning. I found Ms. Reed in her small cottage right by Lucid River. Her cottage is always so pretty almost like a rose centered perfectly in a porcelain vase. Vines consumed the outside of the cottage though a flower or two could be seen poking out of the tangles. I breathed in the sweet honeysuckle infested air and smiled. Ms. Reed was always a wonderful person to talk to. When I walked through the door, I could see the works of Ms. Reed’s organization skills. Her living room, the roomiest spot in the house, was clean as a whistle. Her spirit orb was bobbing up and down in her rocking chair in the corner. Her orb was a deep blue color and lit up the whole room when she saw me coming up to her. My orb is orange, so our two radiating colors made the walls an icky brownish gray color. Her eyes, the only humanly part other than the brain of the spirit orb left behind, were the color of the vast oceans. The twinkle in her eye was the ocean spray. She mindpatted hello and asked how I was. I patted hello back and told her I was fine. I paused a moment and then told her the reason of my visit.

Ms. Reed was hesitant to talk at first and my first instinct was to think she didn’t remember the incident. Though, I quickly bashed that idea. Spirit walkers remember everything though depending on how long ago the incident happened it may take awhile for it to come back. Of the many differences between Earth and Reverie, that is one I’ve always had trouble with.

Ms. Reed finally mindpatted me.
***********************************************
I wasn’t in the best of moods that night, dearie so I was going to get some pastries from the Bakery to make myself happier. It’s a bad habit I know, but I can’t get fat now so why not? It was dark outside on Grace St. that night so I naturally moved a little faster and kept my eyes peeled for any movements. Though, it wasn’t my eyes that gave away anything suspicious. My mind told me that there was a sound coming from the bushes lining the golden pavement. I was standing in front of the Time Out Center. Then I heard the most peculiar sound. It was a voice. Someone muttering. Though it wasn’t in the form of a mind pat, dearie. I actually heard a human voice! I was stunned and terrified at the same time. Who could have gotten into Reverie without having a Circle ceremony? I looked over to the bushes again to see if I could see someone of flesh. I did. I hadn’t seen it before though it was a boy. He was coming out of bushes outside a window of the Time Out Center. His hands kept on moving all over his body as if surprised to feel his own flesh under them. I then heard him yell and he disappeared. Just like that. Drew, believe me, I thought I was crazy. I forgot about my pastries and hurried back here to regain my composure. I must have been a light green then and still at that color, fright like that is not healthiest thing in Reverie. It was only when I saw Michael a few months ago that I knew I wasn’t delirious at all.
**********************************************
She paused. I could see that tears were forming in her eyes when I looked up at her from my notebook. I had been taking copious notes.
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Hmm. Quite interesting. I liked the plot. Though it does need some more info. A prologue would be nice. I need to know more about these people in order to get the story. A better foundation to lay this story on would be great. For example; are these things glowing orbs or humans? I got confused. Here are some basic grammatical errors that I fixed in bold-

Well, that’s basically the beginning. Dr. Hathaway told me to write; the what, the when, the where, the how, the who, and the why on every event of the Randall case. As such, I will start at the beginning. I found Ms. Reed in her small cottage right by Lucid River. Her cottage is always so pretty. It's almost like a rose centered perfectly in a porcelain vase. Vines consumed the outside of the cottage though, and a flower or two could be seen poking out of the tangles. I breathed in the sweet honeysuckle infested air and smiled. Ms. Reed was always a wonderful person to talk to. When I walked through the door I could see the works of Ms. Reed’s organization skills. Her living room, the roomiest spot in the house, was clean as a whistle. Her spirit orb was bobbing up and down in her rocking chair by (in has been repeated to many times. Use a different word. It doesn't have to be "by" the corner. Her orb was a deep blue color and it lit up the whole room when she saw me coming up to her. My orb is orange, so our two radiating colors made the walls an icky brownish gray (don't add color. It doesn't sound right.). Her eyes, the only humanly part other than the brain of the spirit orb left behind, were the color of the vast oceans. The twinkle in her eye was the ocean spray. She mindpatted hello and asked how I was. I patted hello back and told her I was fine. I paused a moment and then told her the reason of my visit.
Ms. Reed was hesitant to talk at first and my first instinct was to think she didn’t remember the incident, though I quickly bashed that idea. Spirit walkers remember everything depending on how long ago the incident (don't use incident. It's so repetitive) happened. However, the recollection of memories may take awhile to remember. Of the many differences between Earth and Reverie, that is one I’ve always had trouble with.
Ms. Reed finally mindpatted me.
***********************************************
"I wasn’t in the best of moods that night dearie. So I was going to get some pastries from the Bakery to make myself happier. It’s a bad habit, I know, but I can’t get fat now so why not? It was dark outside on Grace St. that night so I naturally moved a little faster and kept my eyes peeled for any movements. Though, it wasn’t my eyes that gave away anything suspicious. My mind told me that there was a sound coming from the bushes lining the golden pavement. I was standing in front of the Time Out Center. Then I heard the most peculiar sound. It was a voice. Someone muttering. Though it wasn’t in the form of a mind pat, dearie. I actually heard a human voice! I was stunned and terrified at the same time. Who could have gotten into Reverie without having a Circle ceremony? I looked over to the bushes again to see if I could see someone of flesh. I did. I hadn’t seen him before though it was a boy. He was coming out of bushes outside a window of the Time Out Center. His hands kept on moving all over his body as if surprised to feel his own flesh under them. I then heard him yell and he disappeared. Just like that! Drew, believe me, I thought I was crazy. I forgot about my pastries and hurried back here to regain my composure. I must have been a light green then, and still at that color, fright like that is not healthiest thing in Reverie. It was only when I saw Michael a few months ago that I knew I wasn’t delirious at all.
**********************************************
She paused. I could see that tears were forming in her eyes when I looked up at her from my notebook. I had been taking copious notes.

Again, this story was a bit confusing but just give the reader some background knowledge.
Nice idea so keep writing!
Hope to see you around,
Xx Forever Threnody
P.S. PM me if you have any questions.
“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes”
~ The Little Prince~




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Wow! That was different. Impressive though
can't wait till chapter 2!
When the world explodes, I won't panic. I'll lay down and watch the sky. The last word to leave my lips will be "Boom"
Love you Mary-boo




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Hiya JC! Here as requested!

What: The small mutterings of someone heard by Willow Reed.
When: The time was not recorded and isn’t entirely relevant to the story anyway. There’s no real time in Reverie, though for convenience, we shall say it was midnight.
Where: Outside the Time-Out Center on Grace Street.
Why: No particular reason.
How: Mrs. Reed was on her way to Dr. Henry’s Bakery also on Grace St. and happened to walk by the center. That’s when she heard the sound.
Who: Michael Randall


This looks like an author's note to me. You're basically telling us everything in one shot, without taking the time to introduce everything little by little so readers don't get confused.

Well, that’s basically the beginning. Dr. Hathaway told me to write the what, the when, the where, the how, the who, and the why on every event in the Randall case.


We need some who, what, when, where, how, who and why here too! Again, you're throwing us right into everything without any explenation.

Her cottage is always so pretty almost like a rose centered perfectly in a porcelain vase. Vines consumed the outside of the cottage though a flower or two could be seen poking out of the tangles. I breathed in the sweet honeysuckle infested air and smiled. Ms. Reed was always a wonderful person to talk to.


Other then a few missing commas, I really liked this description.

Her living room, the roomiest spot in the house, was clean as a whistle.


"Room" and "roomiest" are very close sound-wise. Replace one of them so it's not so repetitive.

Her eyes, the only humanly part other than the brain of the spirit orb left behind, were the color of the vast oceans.


Okay, what exactly is a spirit orb? At first I thought it was just a floating ball of light, but now it's part human? Please clarify.

She mindpatted hello and asked how I was. I patted hello back and told her I was fine. I paused a moment and then told her the reason of my visit.


You shouldn't tell for such a short bit of dialogue. Itlaics are the way to show mind-speak, usually. And, you're missing the reason for the visit in your dialogue. It makes the paragraphs below this (in your prose) detached.

I wasn’t in the best of moods that night, dearie so I was going to get some pastries from the Bakery to make myself happier. It’s a bad habit I know, but I can’t get fat now so why not?


So very confused. A good rule of thumb is that your readers will assume your characters are human, unless given a description that shows otherwise. And the "dearie" bit throws me. I have a hard time getting the rest of the stuff after that.

Who could have gotten into Reverie without having a Circle ceremony?


Where is Reverie (possibly what is Reverie), what is a Circle ceremony and what does a Circle ceremony do?

Drew, believe me, I thought I was crazy.


Who is Drew?

t was only when I saw Michael a few months ago that I knew I wasn’t delirious at all.


Wait, I thought she was telling this right after she got home.

She paused. I could see that tears were forming in her eyes when I looked up at her from my notebook. I had been taking copious notes.


These lines do not fit anywhere. Put some reason to them.

Atmosphere- You do a pretty good job with atmosphere here. The first person accounts are done well and the description is pretty good, but there are some things that make it confusing:

Missing Commas- Commas are used to show breaks in sentences. Right now the sentences are rather hard to read and confusing because they are seriously lacking in pauses.

Missing explenation- You throw us right into the action without giving us any backstory. Like, why is seeing somebody of the flesh so unusual? Had I not picked up that the narator was a spirit orb (and that was only said after she saw the boy) I wouldn't have cared that she saw a human.

Overall- Rather curious as to where things are going, I must admit. Some backstory is needed here, so we don't get thrown into the middle of an unknown fantasy world without a map.

Keep it up!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Your story is quite intriguing. I agree with previous reviewers however, a prologue would probably be a good idea to introduce a little of what's going on. You might start with a quiet chapter with just the narrator and what the narrator is about to do, to set up your story. A question, for example, which could be explained in this chapter: who is Dr. Hathaway and what does he/she have to do with the narrator and the story?

So, you've got a two worlds theory where only the privileged are somehow allowed into this "Reverie" and suddenly...a flesh and blood human appears in their midst? Wow, intriguing. Great story idea.

A few things I noticed: The "Orb" takes notes?
thefireinmeisJC wrote: Dr. Hathaway told me to write the what, the when, the where, the how, the who, and the why on every event in the Randall case.

thefireinmeisJC wrote: I could see that tears were forming in her eyes when I looked up at her from my notebook.


Also, if they're taking notes, then they must be humanoid, right? So why then is it so strange for a human to be sighted?
You might want to get a handle on what these characters, these "spirit walkers" really look like.

By the way, why was Mrs. Reed going to the bakery at midnight? I know it says that time is different in Reverie, but still...was the bakery even open?

And if Mrs. Reed saw this Michael in the human world months later, then it would probably be good to clarify earlier in the narrator's investigation that Mrs. Reed's sighting occurred quite awhile ago from the time of the interview.

Oh, and a little NitPick: The "Honeysuckle infested air" is kind of an unpleasant way to write about something pleasant. You might try "infused" or "filled" or "scented" or some other synonym that doesn't bring Hay Fever instantly to mind. ;-)

Otherwise, you've got a fascinating plot idea. I'm curious as to what your orb characters look like in more physical detail. Keep up the good work!
And if you wanna find me, I'll be out in the sandbox... -BNL




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Wow I feel really stupid now...ok:

Reverie is basically Heaven...though I had to do some background research on what people think what you look like when you go to Heaven....Initially, on my own I've always imagined that since your body is left here on Earth...you just have your spirit, which I thought to be a shining spherical type thing...

Though, I had some problems with that because I'm so used to describing the characters that I found myself typing about the color of Ms. Reed's eyes...so I was lazy and made Spirit walkers be floating balls with eyes glued to them. Which is the freakiest thing I've ever imagined...

(Sorry to make this soooo long) So, I've resorted to make it that "spirit walkers" are humanoid (they look human) though they do glow. And they are not made of "flesh", they can disappear, and can move to places instantly. I'm sorry for being confusing, I already knew that I probably would have to rewrite this.

SecretWolf: This is what made me feel really stupid. Haha orbs aren't supposed to be able to take notes!!

Thanks everyone for taking a look (of course if you are reading this, you are more than welcome to take a look as well :D )

- JC
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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to be honest, i find the story a bit confusing...

first of all, if Reverie is different from earth, how is it different. I know that each people have orbs but what is the description of the setting. IS the palce like a utopia, is the place very clean with a green sky which makes it different from earth.


another things is that i am confuse with the plot... if the guy name Michael be included in the plot and if he is...how is it describe by the main character or any person in Reverie.

that is all i have to comment and oh, i wonder if this is located in heaven, could you put some angels on it.

that would be sweet




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Hey! Here as requested!

I don't want to repeat what everyone already said, but it is kind of confusing how you put the "when/what..." information at the top. Major, major info dump. Give some background information.

Her cottage is always so pretty almost like a rose centered perfectly in a porcelain vase.


Comma before almost. If you don't add the comma, it's a run-on sentence.

Vines consumed the outside of the cottage though a flower or two could be seen poking out of the tangles.


Comma after cottage. Other than that, very nice description.

Her living room, the roomiest spot in the house, was clean as a whistle.


Saying roomiest right after room sounds repetitive.

the Bakery


Bakery shouldn't be capitalized unless its a specific bakery.

Example:

I went to Super Bakery for some pastries.

as compared to...

I went to the bakery.

night, dearie


Comma after dearie. Rosie covered my confusion over the part where the old woman thing (I assume she isn't human?) talked.

All in All

-Good description, interesting.

-Very, very confusing. Definitely give some background information. I know starting stories can be hard. A lot of times the author knows half their plot already. However, we the readers are strangers to this story. We need to know what a spirit orb is, not just have it mentioned several times without explanation.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85



The author of my life has some ambitious ideas for me to become a super villain
— FireEyes