Wounded.

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*The introduction and chapter one were originally one but I felt it better to split it into two.

Focusing on the bright lights above her head, Nichole blinked at least twenty times before keeping her eyes open. She didn’t move - didn’t want to move. She was scared, shocked, and in pain. She sat still and just looked around, not knowing where she was, not knowing what to do, afraid to open her mouth. She heard a door slide open then closed, some shuffling to her left. Nichole wanted to call out, see who was there and who could help her but in the back of her mind she was scared. So, she just kept quiet and waited. Part of a women’s pony tail came into view in the corner of her eye and Nichole’s body stiffened, terrified of making any movement.

“All right, let’s see here-” when the woman’s brown eyes met Nichole’s blue ones, her face was in total astonishment. “Doctor!” She called out into the hallway. ‘Doctor’ remained in Nichole’s head and it clicked to her: she was in a hospital, one of Nichole‘s biggest fears. “Doctor, she’s awake!” More people entered the room and Nichole wanted to jump out of the bed and escape. There were three women and two men. The two men were obviously doctors since they were the only ones not in green jumpsuits and had on long, white cloaks.

“Nichole? Nichole, hunny, can you hear me?” One of the pretty nurses called out, her green eyes big with anticipation. ‘What do I do? Can I even talk?’ it felt like forever to Nichole since she’s used her voice, ‘It probably has been forever.

“How long have I been here?” Were the first words croaked out of Nichole’s mouth. Her voice hurt and was very mute. The nurses in the room looked around at each other before the green eyed nurse looked back down to answer her.
“Sweetie, you’ve been unconscious for two weeks. You’re in the University of Pennsylvania Health System hospital in Philadelphia. Do you remember anything that happened at all?” She asked, placing a hand on Nichole’s cold arm.

“Remember anything of what?” Nichole’s brows burrowed together. The nice nurse once again looked around, unsure about something before one of the doctors nodded.

“You were in a car accident.” When she spoke the words ‘car accident’, memories came flooding back into Nichole’s mind. The slippery roads, the storm dark skies, the smell of alcohol in the air, the bright lights, screaming out her mothers name. When Nichole thought of her mother, she instantly sat up and looked frantically around.

“Where’s my mother?” She demanded, trying to get out of the bed. One of the doctors made his way around the bed and gently pushed Nichole back down.

“You cannot get up yet, Nichole. Your legs are too weak, you need rest.” He reassured her, pulling the covers back up over her shoulders.

“But my mother! Where is she? Is she okay?” She asked, raising her voice as loud as it would go. The nurses looked hesitant and the doctors looked worried.

“Nichole, do you remember anything that happened two weeks ago?” One of the doctors asked, removing his glasses.

“I remember being in the car with my mother and she was drinking and bright lights, but that’s it.” By this point, Nichole was annoyed. “Just answer my damn question!” Her command didn’t sound as threatening as she wish it could have, her voice was weak.

“Well, as you can see you made out with a few broken ribs… nothing that won’t be healed within a few weeks. You’re mother, on the other hand, made out worse.” Nichole didn’t even come to think of any injuries she might have before, but now as she was told of her breaks she couldn’t help but to feel for them. Her stomach was swollen and it ached to move her torso.

“What happened to her?” Nichole looked wearily up at the doctors, her eyes filled with fright.

“Your mother at the moment is still in a coma, we expect a wakening in a few days. Her right arm and wrist are broken as well as both her ankles and right leg.” The doctor informed.

“Are you her doctor?” Nichole recalled seeing two doctors in the room.

“No, I’m Doctor Michaels - you’re doctor. Doctor Grea over here is your mothers.” Dr. Michaels introduced the other doctor, a much younger looking one.

“Good evening, Nichole.” Dr. Grea greeted, “Your mother is in good hands.” He reassured her with kind words.

“Thank you…” Nichole rested, placing a hand to her head.

“Are you okay, Nichole?” Dr. Michaels asked, hovering over her instantly.

“I’m just a bit tired.” Nichole closed her eyes. “I feel like sleeping.”

“Well, it is two in the morning.” One of the nurses commented. “It would be a good idea for her to rest.
“Of course.” Dr. Michaels rose from Nichole’s bed. “We’ll check up on you when you’re awake.” Nichole was already asleep before they were gone.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




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"She was scared, shocked, and in pain."

Maybe you should find a way to show us that she was scared, shocked and in pain. For example, If your scared, some people shake, sweat, scream,ect. Shocked: stiffness, bewildered expression,ect. and so forth.

"She sat still and just looked around, not knowing where she was, not knowing what to do, afraid to open her mouth."

What did she she? What was the area around her like, was it cold, warm, hott? Was there a lot of noise or was it silent?

You say she was scared and shocked and was in pain, try showing that more throughout the dialoge. Ex:
She drew in a deep sigh which cost a stabbing pain to shoot through her body.

"Where's my mother?" Said Nichole through clenched teeth, too concerned about her mother to speak of the pain.

Something of the sorts.

Good Job of setting the tone. just follow through. I get that this scene is suppose to be intense so try to come up with diffrent ways to intensify her feelings.

Also, when she has flashbacks, I would describe them more. But thats just me, let the reader on a little more about why she is in the hospital unless you intend that mystery to be a major part of the book.

Otherwise, great beginning. Good Luck.




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Molto Grazie, bella!
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




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Heyy, daytripper, can't wait to get started on the next chapter!! :D...

day tripper wrote:*The introduction and chapter one were originally one but I felt it better to split it into two. [Good idea :wink: =P ]

Focusing on the bright lights above her head, Nichole blinked at least twenty times before keeping her eyes open. She didn’t move - didn’t want to move. She was scared, shocked, and in pain. She sat still and just looked around, not knowing where she was, not knowing what to do, afraid to open her mouth. She heard a door slide open then close[s]d[/s], some shuffling to her left. Nichole wanted to call out, see who was there and who could help her but in the back of her mind she was scared. So, she just kept quiet and waited.
[NP >>]Part of a women’s pony tail came into view in the corner of her eye and Nichole’s body stiffened, terrified of making any movement.

“All right, let’s see here-” when the woman’s brown eyes met Nichole’s blue ones, her face was in total astonishment. “Doctor!” she called out into the hallway. ‘Doctor’ remained in Nichole’s head and it clicked to her [I would try rephrasing this - it doesn't sound quite right]: she was in a hospital, one of Nichole‘s biggest fears. “Doctor, she’s awake!” More people entered the room and Nichole wanted to jump out of the bed and escape. There were three women and two men. The two men were obviously doctors since they were the only ones not in green jumpsuits and had on long, white cloaks.[Describe these people just a little more? Obviously, you don't need to go into great detail but maybe hair colour and an estimate of an age may be good? It will also help to differ them all from one another (: ]

“Nichole? Nichole, honey, can you hear me?” One of the pretty nurses [now if you refer in the previous paragrpah who the pretty nurse is, maybe even give her a nickname? It will help the flow a bit better] called out, her green eyes big with anticipation. ‘What do I do? Can I even talk?’ It felt like forever to Nichole since she[s]’s[/s] had used her voice, ‘It probably has been forever.

“How long have I been here?” Were the first words to croak[s]ed[/s] out of Nichole’s mouth. Her voice hurt and was very mute. The nurses in the room looked around at each other before the green eyed nurse looked back down to answer her.
“Sweetie, you’ve been unconscious for two weeks. You’re in the University of Pennsylvania Health System Hospital in Philadelphia. Do you remember anything that happened at all?” she asked, placing a hand on Nichole’s cold arm.

“Remember anything of what?” Nichole’s brows burrowed together. The nice nurse once again looked around, unsure about something before one of the doctors nodded.

“You were in a car accident.” When she spoke the words ‘car accident’, memories came flooding back into Nichole’s mind. The slippery roads, the stormy dark skies, the smell of alcohol in the air, the bright lights, screaming out her mother[apostrophe]s name. When Nichole thought of her mother, she instantly sat up and looked frantically around. [Great paragraph - I love the way you've connected her memory back to the car crash, it flows really well; awesome stuff!! (: ]

“Where’s my mother?” she demanded, trying to get out of the bed. One of the doctors [define this doctor: is he young, old, dark haired, light haired, bald...?] made his way around the bed and gently pushed Nichole back down.

“You cannot get up yet, Nichole. Your legs are too weak, you need rest.” He reassured her, pulling the covers back up over her shoulders.

“But my mother! Where is she? Is she okay?” She [be careful you don't overuse the pronoun - I would use Nichloe's name here] asked, raising her voice as loud as it would go. The nurses looked hesitant and the doctors [s]looked[/s] worried.

“Nichole, do you remember anything that happened two weeks ago?” One of the doctors asked, removing his glasses.

“I remember being in the car with my mother and she was drinking and bright lights, but that’s it.” By this point, Nichole was annoyed. “Just answer my damn question!” Her command didn’t sound as threatening as she wish it could have [this is very awkward sounding - try rephrasing, her voice was weak.

“Well, as you can see you made out with a few broken ribs… nothing that won’t be healed within a few weeks. Your[s]’re[/s] mother, on the other hand, made out worse.” Nichole didn’t even come to think of any injuries she might have before, but now as she was told of her breaks she couldn’t help but to feel for them. Her stomach was swollen and it ached to move her torso.

“What happened to her?” Nichole looked wearily up at the doctors, her eyes filled with fright.

“Your mother at the moment is still in a coma, we expect a wakening in a few days. Her right arm and wrist are broken as well as both her ankles and right leg.” The doctor informed.

“Are you her doctor?” Nichole recalled seeing two doctors in the room.

“No, I’m Doctor Michaels - your[s]’re[/s] doctor. Doctor Grea over here is your mother[apostrophe]s.” Dr. Michaels introduced the other doctor, a much younger looking one.

“Good evening, Nichole.” Dr. Grea greeted, “Your mother is in good hands.” He reassured her with kind words.

“Thank you…” Nichole rested, placing a hand to her head.

“Are you okay, Nichole?” Dr. Michaels asked, hovering over her instantly.

“I’m just a bit tired.” Nichole closed her eyes. “I feel like sleeping.”

“Well, it is two in the morning.” One of the nurses commented. “It would be a good idea for her to rest.
“Of course.” Dr. Michaels rose from Nichole’s bed [I didn't realise he was sitting on it?]. “We’ll check up on you when you’re awake.” Nichole was already asleep before they were gone.


Overall Thoughts
A great chapter daytripper, it definitely made a lot of impact - I can't wait to read on about what happens and if her mother comes out of her coma or not... Ooh, I can't wait!! Great job, and I can't wait for the next installment!! :D I really hope this review helps you out.

Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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She sat still and just looked around, not

I don't think you need "just" in there

Ok, I think it's a good premise and it's pretty interesting, but it goes by a little too fast. Slow it down a bit and fill in more detail with little dialougue and more of what your character is feeling etc.
R.I.P. MJ. Gone too soon.




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“Your mother at the moment is still in a coma, we expect a wakening in a few days." awakening is one word. You did really good, but im still not sure how it fits into the category of romantic fiction. I think you should use nichole's senses to describe things a little bit better. Really good tho, it can definatly go places =].



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