Pendrop Feather (prolouge)

Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Were was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on the ship called, The Pendrop. Three months exactly. Their necessary supplies like food, fresh water, and medicine, were quickly depleting.

"Land ho!" a sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the boat, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". The fog was thinning now, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive.

Claire nervously edged towards the end of the boat. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they were quickly friends. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such a uncivilized land? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called, "Holy Grail".

Hi Kakali. I noticed that you put something up, so I'm just gonna take a lookie here. Sorry for nitpicking, but that's what I always do.

Were

That should be 'where'.

For three months she had been stuck on the ship called, The Pendrop.

Well, adding the name of the ship seems a bit redundant. Claire already knows that the ship is called The Pendrop, so it's not like she has to repeat it. You already say later on that sailors were swarming about, so it's not like the reader won't get that The Pendrop is a ship.

a sudden

You should capitalize 'a'.

quickly friends.

Hm, maybe 'quick friends' would work better here.

a uncivilized land

It should be an uncivilized land.

That's all that I could find for nitpicking. This was a great piece, albeit a short one. I absolutely loved how you described the fog in the beginning. It was beautiful. However, you could expand on this. How did Claire feel about being stuck on the ship? What did the ship look like? Detail will help a lot.

Well, that's all that I have to say. Great work on this, and I hope to see a continuation. If you have something you want to ask me about this review, go ahead an PM me. Also, if it isn't too much trouble, could you tell me when a new part's up? Hm... nothing else thta I have to say except keep writing!

This is rather short, and I only really noticed one thing:

Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they were quickly friends.

"Friendly" and "friends" are very close together. It makes the sentence redundant.

Atmosphere- I liked the fog simile, but other then that there is hardly any description, and therefore atmosphere, in this piece. Go into a little more detail as to how Claire misses her home, what it's like living on the ship, ect. Use proper ship terms, have her think about how depressing it is to see the same water all around, any loneliness at seeing people die from the lack of supplies, her thoughts on Natives, the like. I think that's really all this needs.

Overall- I am very interested as to where this will go. Keep it up!

Okay, I revised it. It is a little longer.

Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. The wind billowed around her, sending golden locks of hair across her face. The dark gloominess of the sea sent pangs of loneliness deep into her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. The sheep grazing peacefully on the tendrils of overgrown grass. The old couple that lived next door, sitting together in a transfixed state of being. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on this bloody ship. Three months exactly. Three months that felt like three years. Her heart was torn in two, between her new, adventured filled home, and her homeland.


"Land ho!" A sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the vessel, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". Claire's heart sank. She didn't see anything. The fog started thinning, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive. The green seemed strange and foreign to her, like a light among total darkness.


Claire nervously edged towards the end of the ship. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they quickly made allies with them. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such an uncivilized land? Would they give them the supplies that they needed? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called, "Holy Grail".

I liked this actually. It seemed different from the usual. It seems to need a bit more of a point to it though. Explain why theyre on the ship, where theyre headed, and try to describe Claire a little more.

I bolded a few mistkes and suggestion below

Kakali wrote:Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. :you used she quite alot in this.
where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on the ship called, The Pendrop. Three months exactly. Their necessary supplies like food, fresh water, and medicine, were quickly depleting.

"Land ho!" a sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the boat, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". The fog was thinning now, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive.

Claire nervously edged towards the end of the boat. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they were quickly friends. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such a uncivilized land? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called, "Holy Grail".

besides that it was a great story with alot of potential. Can't wait for chapter 2!!

I liked this actually. It seemed different from the usual. It seems to need a bit more of a point to it though. Explain why theyre on the ship, where theyre headed, and try to describe Claire a little more.

I bolded a few mistkes and suggestion below

Kakali wrote:Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. :you used she quite alot in this.
where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on the ship called, The Pendrop. Three months exactly. Their necessary supplies like food, fresh water, and medicine, were quickly depleting.

"Land ho!" a sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the boat, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". The fog was thinning now, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive.

Claire nervously edged towards the end of the boat. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they were quickly friends. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such a uncivilized land? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called, "Holy Grail".

besides that it was a great story with alot of potential. Can't wait for chapter 2!!

Actually its chapter 1. This is the prolouge.

Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. The wind billowed around her, sending golden locks of hair across her face. The dark gloominess of the sea sent pangs of loneliness deep into her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. The sheep grazing peacefully on the tendrils of overgrown grass. The old couple that lived next door, sitting together in a transfixed state of being. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on this bloody ship. Three months exactly. Three months that felt like three years. Her heart was torn in two, between her new, adventured filled home, and her homeland.


"Land ho!" A sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the vessel, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". Claire's heart sank. She didn't see anything. The fog started thinning, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive. The green seemed strange and foreign to her, like a light among total darkness. Claire's stomach gave a lurch. She recalled her ship leaving the harbor, the very day she found that she would be taken along the trip to the "Americas" on a boat called "The Pendrop". She could imagine her mother waving at her from the bay, sobbing miserably into a pearl-white hankerchief. She sighed. The past was behind her now.


Claire nervously edged towards the end of the ship. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they quickly made allies with them. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such an uncivilized land? Would they give them the supplies that they needed? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called "Holy Grail".

A major improvement from the first version!

One thing I noticed as a reader was near the end;

Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such a uncivilized land?

I am thinking that these questions might be to specific especially if this is the Prologue. Clearly Claire is upset and you gave a really good sense of that. When you add in those "practical" questions it distracts me from the general feeling.

I hope this makes sense, but I will say that the books and writers that always catch my attention are the ones that can make me feel the exact thing that their character is feeling! Even though I have only read a few paragraphs I think you are on your way to writing something that I would want to read.

Keep it up!

I'm glad that people are here to show me whats wrong, that could have been embarassing. lol

Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. The wind billowed around her, sending golden locks of hair across her face. The dark gloominess of the sea sent pangs of loneliness deep into her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. The sheep grazing peacefully on the tendrils of overgrown grass. The old couple that lived next door, sitting together in a transfixed state of being. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on this bloody ship. Three months exactly. Three months that felt like three years. Her heart was torn in two, between her new, adventured filled home, and her homeland.


"Land ho!" A sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the vessel, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". Claire's heart sank. She didn't see anything. The fog started thinning, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive. The green seemed strange and foreign to her, like a light among total darkness. Claire's stomach gave a lurch. She recalled her ship leaving the harbor, the very day she found that she would be taken along the trip to the "Americas" on a boat called "The Pendrop". She could imagine her mother waving at her from the bay, sobbing miserably into a pearl-white hankerchief. She sighed. The past was behind her now.


Claire nervously edged towards the end of the ship. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they quickly made allies with them. Claire wondered what they were like. Were they like anyone back in Europe? Would everything be like it was back home, or would she feel even worse here? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called "Holy Grail".

Loved the improvement on the ending! I think you really took her back to her self misery instead of leading her away from that emotion which is great for me as the reader!

I noticed you added some more aspects into this, such as her Mother which we now know she as left at home.

Claire's stomach gave a lurch. She recalled her ship leaving the harbor, the very day she found that she would be taken along the trip to the "Americas" on a boat called "The Pendrop". She could imagine her mother waving at her from the bay, sobbing miserably into a pearl-white hankerchief. She sighed. The past was behind her now.

Honestly I am not sure I LOVE where this section is going. Adding the mother adds a whole can of worms, if you get what I mean by that. Obviously a Mother is a very important aspect in someone's life and I almost feel that you touched on the subject to lightly.

However, my style of reading is Character driven and that is what I connect with first. SO, although this is my opinion please do not feel that you HAVE to change this. But, if you ever feel like some of your writing needs that "character driven" eye, I would be happy to look at anything for you!

I am excited to keep reading your progress!