Sick Puppy part 3

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I don't know how to make the previous works go up the top..So hopefully you can find them somehow or have already read them...

By the way, these aren't separate chapters. I just wanted them in bite sized parts for you. So this one ends a little abruptly.




“Oy, wake up”
Someone was roughly shaking my arm. I cracked open an eyelid to see my feckless mate, Mitch, looking way too awake.
“Piss off, you stupid prick.” I mumbled into my pillow.
“Nah, you got to get up, mate, I’ve got a very lucrative proposition for you.”
I turned over, rubbing my eyes.
“What’s the time?”
“Quarter to seven. I need to get some shit off you, quick sharp.” He glanced over at my couch. “By the way, who’s the babe?”
Maria. She was still here, and she was sleeping quietly on my couch. I was hoping we’d wake up late and go to the cafe down the street and talk over eggs and bacon. She’d look so pretty with her sleepy smile and the sun glinting off her hair.
“Why don’t we go into the kitchen?” I said, lowering my voice. “Don’t want to wake her up.”

Mitch ambled off into the kitchen while I climb out of bed. Pulling on some track pants, I followed him and shut the door behind me.
“Greg, I need some blow. I got cash with me.”
“Who the hell wants coke at seven in the bloody morning?”
“Business people. You know I’m a clerk at a law firm. Some people can’t wait until their after work drinks, alright? They want it to be all organised. Probably got it all programmed in their electronic organiser. There’s a big case going on at the moment, really high stress levels, so I’m running a bit short. If I turn up this morning with nothing, they’ll skin me.”
Mitch was a weird bloke. He had these really popping out eyes, which made him look wired all the time, even when he wasn’t. We went to school together, and he always used to say to suspicious teachers that he was just high on life.
I reached up the kitchen cupboard and pulled out a battered Arnott’s cookie tin. I cracked open the lid and pulled out a couple of baggies and tossed them on the counter.
“That enough?”
“Yeah, thanks.” He handed me the cash and grabbed the coke while I quickly counted it.
“Right, well you can leave now. Next time try knocking before you pick the lock okay? I might decide to get some attack dogs.”
Mitch turned and opened the kitchen door, slowing as he walked pass Maria, checking her out. I bumped into the back of him, forcing him gently out the door. I closed the door and lent against it.

“What was that about?” A soft voice came from the sofa and I found her staring at me, still in the same position, but wide awake.
“Nothing. How long have you been awake?”
“Not long. I woke and saw that you weren’t in your bed and then I heard voices coming from the kitchen, so I figured you’d be there. I didn’t think you’d run out on your own place.” Her voice was so in contrast to her situation. She sounded a lot more confident than I thought she would’ve.
“How you feeling this morning? Bit of a stomach ache?”
“I’m a bit hungry actually.”
“Must’ve chucked up a whole days worth of food last night, so it’s not surprising.” I said, crudely. Her face looked hurt at the mention of what happened last night.
I sat down on the couch next to her, sitting awkwardly so as to avoid her feet. I could see the outline of her legs through the blanket, shifting up to protect her body.
“I’m not moralising here, I’ve done more than my fair share of eckies in my time. Every once in a while you get a bad trip.”
“In your time? You aren’t a day over twenty-five.”
“I’m twenty-four and you’re probably only sixteen or something ridiculous. People grow up fast in this town.”
“I’m seventeen, eighteen in two months. I’m old enough to do what ever I want.” She sounded like a kid then. I remember the feeling, still had it, in fact. Wanting to tell the world to go to hell; I’m going to do what ever I want.
“Well what do you want to do right now?” I said, hoping it would involve food and a large coffee.
She flushed and lent in closer to me. She ran her hand along my chin as I sat there, puzzled. She pressed her lips to mine gently and I closed my eyes, concentrating on the feel of her warm sour lips. She pulled away much, much too soon. I couldn’t believe I’d just sat there as she kissed me so gently. I’d been as unresponsive as a dried up old prune. I opened my eyes and saw her leaning back, smiling at me.
“I’d like some breakfast now.”
She looked down at her bare shoulders.
“I could use some clothes too, if it’s not too much trouble.”
“Do you do this often? Rely on the hospitality of people you just met? It’s not really the smartest thing to do around here. Girl like you could get into trouble if she’s not careful.”
“I went out last night not knowing what would happen, and not caring either. It could’ve turned out worse. I’m not like this usually.” She looked embarrassed now; belatedly, I thought.
“Why you don’t you just call your parents, okay? I’m sure they’ll get over you spending the night with some stranger eventually.” I got up, grabbed the phone and tossed it over to her. “I’ll see if I can find some clothes for you, but I want them back, okay?”
I walked over to my dresser and opened up the drawer that had my tracksuits in it. I pulled out a matching Adidas hoodie and track pants. They would be too big on her, but the pants had a drawstring waist band, so they wouldn’t fall down. As I listened to her talk to the parents on the phone, I thought about how she kissed me. It was so sweet. I hadn’t been kissed like since school; softly, like there was no hurry, no urgency. It wasn’t passionless though. It was definitely different. I guess it was more of a thank you kiss than a let’s make wild love kiss, but I liked it none the less.
Last edited by Ducati on Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




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Okay, first of all, this sounds very British. The other chapters didn't sound that way to me, so you need to either change the other chapters to sound British, or get rid of the British in this one. Secondly, (and please don't be offended by this) this would be a much more pleasant and much better story without the cuss words. I don't believe in saying that kind of stuff, and it's very uncomfortable for me to read. I would really like to read more of this, but I really don't want to read that kind of language. I'm sure there are some other people who agree with me. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't say them, just please don't put them in your stories.
Keep writing! This is totally different than anything else that I've read, and I'd love to read more of it. Hopefully reading more soon, S.C.




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It's not british!!! It's Australian. And sorry you're offended, but my character needs to swear, I need to swear, it's part of our youth culture here. I'm sorry to alienate any readers, I will promise not to use too bad words, but they are just words and they mean a lot to who my character is and where he comes from.
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




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Oh, two days later....

Some parts in here confused me because you put them speaking on the next line, and you didn't say that they were. For example:
I sat down on the couch next to her, sitting awkwardly so as to avoid her feet. I could see the outline of her legs through the blanket, shifting up to protect her body.
“I’m not moralising here, I’ve done more than my fair share of eckies in my time. Every once in a while you get a bad trip.”
“In your time? You aren’t a day over twenty-five.”
“I’m twenty-four and you’re probably only sixteen or something ridiculous. People grow up fast in this town."


I got confused in this part. I couldn't tell who was speaking. Maybe clearing that up will help.

Good job again! I really like this! :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

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I'll be honest, I don't think there is much I can say. This is just not the stuff that I normally read...so I'll do my best to point out stuff that I see.

She was still here, and she was sleeping quietly on my couch.

She was still here, sleeping quietly on my couch.

Her voice was so in contrast to her situation. She sounded a lot more confident than I thought she would’ve.

Her voice was so in contrast to her situation, sounding more confident that I thought she would've been.
Eh. think about taking the 'so' out, it just sounds...wrong.

Her face looked hurt at the mention of what happened last night.

Show, don't tell. This would be a great place to explain what she looked like. I assumed that you did that in the previous two sections, but you can point out new stuff here.

I sat down on the couch next to her, sitting awkwardly so as to avoid her feet.

Those so close to each other sound awkward.

She flushed and lent in closer to me.

Wouldn't it be 'leaned in'?
Also, in that paragraph, a whole lot of the sentences start with 'she', try and change that. And, if it doesn't start with she, than it starts with I. Try some variety :)

She pulled away much, much too soon.


I walked over to my dresser and opened up the drawer that had my tracksuits in it. I pulled out a matching Adidas hoodie and track pants.

I walked over to my dresser, opened the drawer that had my tracksuits in it, and pulled out a matching hoddie and track pants.
Eh. Hm. I don't like the way I did it, but think about combining them.

The last paragraph was a bit choppy. 'It was different'. 'It wasn’t passionless'. Try and combine, and add description.

Overall? It flowed very well, wasn't very choppy. Also, the dialogue gave the reader a good sense of the characters. Good job:)



GET YER EYES AWAY FROM MY EYE SOCKETS >.>
— herbalhour