Wounded

So, I am still continuing my other story. Right now, though, this is a book that I wrote two years ago. Still to this date it was my best idea yet. Then last year my mother's computer crashed and I lost it... all. I was on like chapter 24, too ): So I've gotten the idea to re-write it. I was actually not going to post it on YWS because this is so sensitive to my heart since most of it is out of experience, I'm like a mother about it. I pushed away my fears and decided to let you all read it. (:

Introduction.

Nichole McWindle slammed the door shut of her mother’s pearl white Chrysler with all the force in her long arms, trying to calm herself in the leather seat. She could hear the drunken, frustrated sigh escape her mother’s dry lips at her daughter’s over-dramatic actions. The air even smelt of liquor, empty bottles leaving behind a grotesque smell. At this moment Nichole could have cared less, she was too distracted by her redundant anger to even think about reasoning with her mother. After years of the same repetitive habits, Nichole was giving up on her mother. She was giving up on ever finding hope that one day, her mom would stop.

“Next time, you should try huffling.” Her mother slurred the wrong word, pointing to nowhere in particular and barely concentrating on the road. Nichole laughed to herself at her mother’s mistake, crossing her arms after buckling in. Her lacrosse practice had just ended as it started to drizzle on the Pennsylvania grounds; living on the outskirts of Philadelphia meant farms everywhere, which seemed to attract storms lately.

Nichole looked at her reflection in the window. The rain was coming down heavier at this moment and the skies were becoming a grayish-black. When Nichole had to be around her mother when she was drinking made her think. It made her think about her past, about the hurt she’s been through, and how much she wanted to escape it. Unlike many families with an alcoholic parent, Nichole didn’t have another parent to go to. She wasn’t even able to leave the house since she didn’t have a car when her mother would start blaming things on her. So many times her mother would blame her for silly things, like her mother losing her job. Nichole’s mom had been drinking so much in the past few months, it was hard for her to ever picture her mother sober again.

Nichole learned to keep her mother’s drinking a numbness in her life; she never let it get to her as much as it really should. Nichole’s mother had been drinking ever since her father had left them many years ago, having enough with his wife’s drinking habits. He now lived somewhere in Florida with his ’better-than-thou’ wife and their two daughters: Amie and Missy. Nichole couldn’t help but to roll her eyes at the names. Amie was a prissy fourteen year old and her six year old sister wasn’t any different.

“Do you know the next time Amie and Missy are visiting?” Nichole turned to her mother who was singing along with the radio. “Mom?” she repeated after a few seconds of silence.

“What do you want?” she shot quickly, looking glossy eyed at her seventeen year old daughter.

“Do you know next time Amie and Missy are visiting?” Nichole repeated, turning the radio down. Before she could even remove her hand, her mother slapped it and turned the radio back up.

“No, and don’t touch my radio again!” she snapped, murmuring under her breath.

Nichole wanted her mother back, the one who cooked with her and made home-made videos with her. Who looked forward to taking Nichole out with her and making silly jokes.

‘It’s been so long.’

Nichole looked back at her reflection to see a solemn tear travel down her cheek, slowly leaving a black trail line behind it from her makeup. Nichole felt her heart ache, at any second they could come. Nichole never cried. There were times when she wanted to, but she couldn’t bring herself to let the salty tears fall. Her mother’s drinking shouldn’t be anything new, why was it effecting her so much now? She swore to herself that would be the last time she’d cry over her mother’s alcoholism.

“Mom?” Nichole turned, her mother was trying to look at the screen on her buzzing phone. A wall of brown hair fell in between them but Nichole could still see her blue eyes that were not even near fixated on the road. "Watch the road!" Nichole burst, afraid of swerving off the slippery lane.

“Oh, hush!” Her mother spat, flickering her eyes up at the road and back down again. “I think work called me.” The phone buzzed again and this time Nichole’s mom removed her other hand as well to press the ‘talk’ button. The car started to swerve and Nichole, heart racing faster than a cheetah, grabbed the wheel but it was too late.

“Mom!” She screamed, shielding her eyes. The last thing Nichole saw were two bright headlights before everything went black.

Hey, day tripper. Sorry it took me so long to get to this

Nichole McWindle slammed the door of her mothers pearl white Chrysler as hard as she could, trying to calm herself in the leather seat.

It should be "mother's" not "mothers"
Also, when I first read this, I got the impression that she was leaving the car when in reality, she was entering it. Make that more clear, if you can ^_^

She could see the drunken frustration sigh out of her mothers dry lips at her daughters over dramatic actions.

Very confusing here. I know what you are saying but you have a lot of unnecessary stuff. Maybe try to reword it like this: She could hear the drunken, frustrated sigh out of her mother's dry lips at her daughter's over-dramatic actions. or something like that.

Nichole looked at her reflection in the window. At moments like this where she was forced to be in the same area as her mother when she was drunk made her think.

Wouldn't Nichole be slightly concerned that her mother is driving drunk? Just a thought to consider...
Also, why does it make her think when her mother is drunk? Explain more here.

Nichole turned to her mother who was dancing more than she needed to the song playing on the radio.

Dancing? How can she dance in the car? Go into more detail here about that.
The sentence, too, is kind of awkward. Maybe try rewording it a bit.

“Mom?” She repeated after a few seconds of silence.

In dialogue, there is a rule, and I'm not sure you know about it or not, but when you write it, you have to have lowercase letters after the sentence in quotes if it's not the person's name. I know, that was probably super confusing what I just said so I'll show you hehe

"Hey bud, what have you been up to all day?" a kid shot at his friend, leaning against the park bench and pulling a hard drag on his pipe.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," the other kid replied, watcing enviously as his friend took another deep drag, letting the smoke trickle out of his mouth in sort bursts.

All right, you see how the "a" after the first dialogue piece is a lowercase "a". That's one rule. Another is that, in the second piece, there is a comma instead of a period after the second "nothing" and then the lowercase rule. You have to remember that when you write dialogue of any kind.

Now, back to the sentence above, this is how it should look:

"Mom?" she repeated after a few seconds of silence.

If you have any furhter questions on this, feel free to PM me about it or look at other's work. That's what I did when I learned about this and it helps a lot

“What do you want?” She shot quickly, looking glossy eyed at her seventeen year old daughter.

Again, dialogue rule, the "she" after the dialogue should have a lowercase "s" on it. Also, "seventeen year old" should have dashes between each word like so: "seventeen-year-old"

“Do you know next time Amie and Missy are visiting?” She repeated, turning the radio down.

It gets confusing here. What she is talking? I know it's the daughter but be specific by saying her name. It works better that way.

“No and don’t touch my radio again!” She snapped, murmuring under her breath.

Lowercase "s" on "she" here

Nichole looked back at her reflection to see a solemn tear travel down her cheek, slowly leaving a black trail line behind it from her makeup.

You use "slowly" twice in one sentence. Use another word like it just so you don't repeat yourself.

“What?!” Her mom asked annoyed, looking at her daughter.

Lowercase "h" on "Her" here

“MOM!” She screamed before everything went black...

Lowercase "s" on "she" here.

~ ~ ~ ~

All right, this was a good start, day tripper. I liked it My only suggestions are as following:

1) Flesh out your characters more. Right now, they are typical overused ones. What makes this alcoholic mother more special than the others. What makes her daughter more special than the other daughters? Really make them unique, you know?

2) Watch the "she"'s. You overuse the pronouns. Use Nichole's name. It makes it easier to distinguish them between the two.

3) Description is lacking in this piece. What does the air smell like? What does the outside look like? Is it evening? Morning? That stuff is important for the reader to really udnerstand what is happening in the scene.

4) Lastly, work on Nichole's feelings. You really did a nice job with them but you could even go in more depth with them because you want the reader to feel sorry for her and at the end, want to read on to see if they lived or not, you know?

Otherwise, I look forward to this. If you have any other questions or just need help with this, let me know =]

Edited! Thank you, Ashley!

I liked this chapter a lot, but I think it would have been even better if it was longer. So far I don't know the characters, only that Nichole gets into car crash and her mom is an alcoholic. A bit more detail would add extra spice, as well.

Other than my suggestions, I think your really creating an interesting story. What I was wondering while reading was why Nichole becomes so upset even though she's seventeen. Also if there is another reason that her mom drinks besides her husband leaving, because she had been drinking before. I liked your description of Nichole's step-sisters and how Nichole perceives her mother's alcoholism. Your off to a great start and I will be looking for your next chapter.

Thank you(: It's supposed to be short since it's an introduction. The chapters will become much longer; I promise!

I'm sorry I didn't read over this yesterday, but I'm back, and willing to do the most best review ever (hopefully)!! =P
Now, being me I haven't read the other reviews, so I'm sorry if I do repeat anything that's already been said. Soo, I think that's all for now, so on with the review!

day tripper wrote:So, I am still continuing my other story. Right now, though, this is a book that I wrote two years ago. Still to this date it was my best idea yet. Then last year my mother's computer crashed and I lost it... all [Oh nooo!! Poor you!!]. I was on like chapter 24, too ): So I've gotten the idea to re-write it. I was actually not going to post it on YWS because this is so sensitive to my heart since most of it is out of experience, I'm like a mother about it [I promise to be extra nice then (: ]. I pushed away my fears and decided to let you all read it. (:

Introduction.

Nichole McWindle slammed the door shut of her mother’s pearl white Chrysler as hard as she could [you're a very talented writer, so I know you can do better than as hard as she could, so go ahead, be inventive!! (: ], trying to calm herself in the comfort of the leather seat. She could hear the drunken, frustrated sigh escape her mother’s dry lips at her daughter[apostrophe]s over-dramatic actions. The air even smelt of liquor, empty bottles leaving behind a grotesque smell. At this moment Nichole couldn't have cared less, she was too distracted by her [maybe you could use a word like burning here, to show the extent of her anger?] anger to even think about reasoning with her mother. After years of the same repetitive habits, Nichole was giving up on her mother. She was giving up on ever finding hope that one day, her mom would stop.

“Next time, you should try huffling.” Her mother slurred the wrong word, pointing to no[delete gap]where in particular and barely concentrating on the road[they've started driving already - and she's letting her mum drive drunk? Maybe you should be a little clearer on the smaller details?]. Nichole laughed to herself at her mother[apostrophe]s mistake, crossing her arms after buckling in. Her lacrosse practice had just ended as it started to drizzle on the Pennsylvania grounds,with semi colon] living on the outskirts of Philadelphia meant farms everywhere[comma] which seemed to attract storms lately.

Nichole looked at her reflection in the window. The rain was coming down heavier at this moment and the skies were becoming a grayish-black. At moments like this where she was forced to be in the same area as her mother when she was drunk made her think [this here is slightly bordering on the rambling, so I would read it aloud and try and rephrase it?]. It made her think about her past, about the hurt she’s been through, and how much she wanted to escape it. Unlike many families with an alcoholic parent, Nichole didn’t have another parent to go to. She wasn’t even able to leave the house since she didn’t have a car when her mother would start blaming things on her.

So many times her mother would blame her for silly things, [s]or things [/s]like her mother losing her job. A few times she’s been slapped but lately, it just felt like nothing new [this sounds a little random, so try and link it in with the previous sentence so the two sentences flow nicely]. Nichole’s mom had been drinking so much in the past few months, it was hard for her to ever picture her mother sober again. [Be careful with the tense changes in this paragraph]

Nichole learned to keep her mother’s drinking a numbness in her life[s], though[/s]. [replace with semi colon] She never let it get to her as much as it really should. Nichole’s mother had been drinking ever since her father had left them many years ago, having enough with his wife’s drinking habits he now lived somewhere in Florida with his ’better-than-thou’ wife and their two daughters: Amie and Missy. Nichole couldn’t help but to roll her eyes at the names. Amie was a prissy fourteen year old and her six year old sister wasn’t any different.

“Do you know next time Amie and Missy are visiting?” Nichole turned to her mother who was singing along with the radio. “Mom?” she repeated after a few seconds of silence.

“What do you want?” she shot quickly, looking glossy eyed at her seventeen year old daughter.

“Do you know the next time Amie and Missy are visiting?” Nichole repeated, turning the radio down. Before she could even remove her hand, her mother slapped it and turned the radio back up.

“No[comma] and don’t touch my radio again!” she snapped, murmuring under her breath.
[NP>>]Nichole wanted her mother back, the one who cooked with her and made home videos with her. Who looked forward to taking Nichole out with her and making silly jokes.
[I have put this as an NP to add emphasis and italics>>]It’s been so long.
[NP>>]Nichole looked back at her reflection to see a solemn tear travel down her cheek, slowly leaving a black trail line behind it from her makeup. She felt her heart split and like at any moment [this is slightly awkward, so try rephrasing] she could just give up. Nichole never cried, but there were times when she wanted to, but she couldn’t bring herself to let the salty tears fall. Her mother[apostrophe]s drinking shouldn’t be anything new, why was it effecting her so much now? She swore to herself that would be the last time she’d cry over her mother’s alcoholism.

“Mom?” Nichole turned, looking at the brown haired women, so beautiful. She couldn’t understand why her mother did this to herself. Her mother was a great women…when she was sober.

“What?!” Her mom asked annoyed, looking at her daughter. A bright light flashed in Nichole’s eyes and she shielded her face with her arms, looking directly at the two bright headlights coming their way.

“MOM!” she screamed before everything went black...[I would delete the ellipsis, as it's not really ended and great ending, on a real note of suspense - I straightaway want to know more!!]

Last Minute Views
This has certainly captured my attention (as all your pieces do), and I thought that the length of this was just right: it suited it's purpose as an introduction completely. The only thing I would suggest is to improve on Nichole and her father's outstanding relationship, because all I got was that he has two daughters, and what Nichole thought about them, but I didn't get what she thought about her dad. So, if you just elaborated on that smidgen of a detail, there will be nothing else (in my eyes) that needs improving!!
This was another great piece daytripper, you truly are a talented writer (: . I hope this review helped you out, and I can't wait for the next installment!!

Keep writing!! =D
--Lucyy xx

Thank you so much, Lucy!

Also, I just had something to say to one thing that you've both pointed out:
Drinking driving does occur. Nichole can't drive, she only has one parent, there really isn't anything she can do. I've gone through it, also. So, I don't feel I should change it - but that is one reason they got into an accident. If you have any suggestions, though, I'd love to hear!

Really well written, really thought out. However, Wouldn't She try to take control of the wheel if her mother was driving drunk? Perhaps Nichole grabbed the wheel in and effort to control the car and rammed it into a truck or something aloung those lines? Just a little suggeston:

Charcters:

Ms. Drunken Mommy: Ha! the little dancing part was so funny! I done't think people realize that you can "dance" using your arms and head. Please elborate on that, I was able to visualize it very well, as my mother does that ALL the time.
Please describe her more, like how tall she was using something like "Her slender legs legs could hardly reach the brake."

Nichole: Was fine, but beef her up with desribtions a tad more, please?

Plot: Car crash! perfect! Keep on going.

I see why this is your "Baby". You really seemed to convey loads of meaning and thoughts into not very much space.

PM when the next chapter comes out. I really enjoyed this piece.

I see why this is your "Baby". You really seemed to convey loads of meaning and thoughts into not very much space.

Hahaha, same! That's where I got it. I'll be sure to add more detail, thanks!

I see why this is your "Baby". You really seemed to convey loads of meaning and thoughts into not very much space.

Thank you. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not but I appreciate it none the less!

I'll be sure to PM you! Thanks for reviewing!

Ya! My idea was used! I should get a gold sticker!
Anyway, I'll shut up now.
I like the ending more, not just because you used my idea!
It kinda made more sense. I'll go review chapter 1.

Haha(: Okay.
And yay thank you! I
really liked your idea.

I'm new here and seeing that people are very detailed in their reviews. I will have to learn to do that. I just wanted to say that your introduction to this story touched a nerve with me. I have an alcoholic parent, and yes drink driving does happen. I like the description you have but a sense of where the characters are or what time of day it is would be good (as other have suggested).

I really liked the part where you say that Nichole wishes that her mum would come back to her and do all those things she used. That was the part that really got me because that is what I always wished for.

Keep writing I want to see if they survive!

I really liked the part where you say that Nichole wishes that her mum would come back to her and do all those things she used. That was the part that really got me because that is what I always wished for.

/: I use to wish that too. It will change one day, don't you worry. I had to wait twelve years of my life. It can take forever but one day things will click and it will all be better, I promise(: I'm happy that you have some kind of connection to this, it's nice. If you ever want to talk about anything, don't be afraid to PM me.

Also, WELCOME TO THE SITE. HAI.HAI.HAI.
Message me if you have any questions!

And, Chapter One is indeed out!