Sick Puppy

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 42
I don’t know why I was staring at her. Usually, I didn’t look at anyone in particular as I lent against the bar; I just unfocused my eyes and let my gaze shift over all the beauty around me. All these women were like silhouettes in a James Bond title sequence. It was hard to think of them as real people and if I didn’t look too closely, it was easy to forget that they had parents and wore jeans just like me.
But this girl caught my interest. She was facing with her back to me, the light glancing off her pale shoulders. They were slightly hunched, almost apologetically. Though she was not too thin, I could see her shoulder blades moving slowly and almost mechanically under her skin as she swayed to the rhythm of the slow trance beat. I imagined dirty hands sliding along the blades, leaving brown stains on her fair skin.

The music changed, turning into some hyperactive electro rubbish. Tony, the DJ, really knew how to get the drugged up crowd even more elated. He was good for business, and we were good for his. The girl turned around, dancing by herself along with the music. Her dress was a pale blue, halter necked and ruffled, reaching to just above her knee. She had big hips and small breasts. She looked very fit and healthy, unlike most of the other people in this joint. She had long brown curly hair, kind of eighties style, I guess. It only took one glance at her over made-up face for me to know she had popped an e recently. Her eyes were red rimmed and her face held and expression of pure, well, ecstasy. Shit. I hadn’t sold it to her, and that prick Ian was here dealing too. I knew his suppliers cut some of his stuff with whatever they could find and he didn’t care.

I didn’t know why I was worried about her. Maybe it was because, as ludicrous as it sounds, I was the designated driver and was stone cold sober. Maybe it was because I’d seen too many bad trips; this girl looked so healthy and so vibrant that I didn’t want anything to damage her. I didn’t even know her name and I wanted to help her. I strode over casually, and asked her if she would like a drink. Before she had time to reply, I grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the dance floor. She put up no resistance and stared at me with a blank gaze as I pulled her to lean against the bar.

“What’s your name, sweetheart?”
It took her a moment to reply.
“Maria.”
Perfect. I wondered if her parents had named her after the Virgin Mary.
“You having a good night?” Her eyes swung around the room, trying to see everything at once.
“Mm. I think I need some air, maybe.”

I suddenly had this image of taking this girl back to my apartment. Putting her in my shower and watching the water run down her face, taking off all that horrid make-up with it. Watching her sleep on my couch, a thin blanket covering her naked body.

But then I thought of her waking up and not knowing where the hell she was and why she was naked and beating me with that heavy lamp on my coffee table. Maybe I should just put her in a cab home. I took her hand once again, waiting till she was steady on her feet before I started walking her out. She practically ran out the door, her feet moving like she was on a treadmill. It was an effort to keep up, but the movement seemed to be a bit too much for her too. When we got outside, she knelt over onto the concrete and started throwing up. Like some utterly whipped boyfriend, I grabbed her long hair and pulled it out of the way of the oncoming spew. Shit, I was going to have to stay with her for a while now. If she choked on her own vomit, I knew it’d be my fault. Maybe I could get one of her friends to pick her up. I waited until there was a break in the vomiting.

“Hey, Maria, you got a phone on you?”
“Nuh-uh, Just money. I was going to go to my friend Lissie’s place.”
“How old are you?” Now that I could see her properly, under the street lights, it was hard to imagine she was old enough to get into that club.
“Twenty-five.”
“Bullshit.”
“Okay, twenty-one.”
“Why would you lie about being twenty-five if you were twenty-one, huh? You’re under eighteen, aren’t you?”
“It’s none of your bloody business, is it? I don’t even know your name! How do I know you’re not some cop or something?”
She’s getting irritable, I thought, laughing to myself.
“My name’s Greg, if you must know. Can you walk to your friends place from here?”
“I’ll catch the bus.” Her face turned a little green as she said it. I jerked away, just in time as she threw up all over her cheap-looking heels.
“Not in this state you won’t. Come on, my place if just round the corner. I’ll get you cleaned up.”
I grabbed her by the waist when she was done, knowing if I didn’t get her home soon she’d probably pass out. It wasn’t the most romantic meeting, but while most drugged up, puking girls disgusted and bored me, I instinctively wanted to take care of her. I thought now that she was about seventeen and probably rebelling against something. Maybe I could think of a more constructive way for her to do that.
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 2
Hmmmm. Interesting! How old is Greg, though? And is that a sexual innuendo in the very last sentence? o_O

But yeah, I reeeeeeeeeeeally like this. PLEASE PM me when there's more!!!! :D

Thanks for the entertainment.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 42
Maybe just a little innuendo. I try to repress my inner sleaze but this story calls for it.
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 1
Ducati wrote:Usually, I didn’t look at anyone in particular as I lent against the bar; I just unfocused my eyes and let my gaze shift over all the beauty around me.


To me this is akwardly phrased. I would have written : Usually, I dont look at anyone in particular when I lean against the bar ; I just unfocus my eyes and let my gaze shift over all the beauty around me.

It was hard to think of them as real people and if I didn’t look too closely, it was easy to forget that they had parents and wore jeans just like me.


I like this alot. I sometimes also forget that beautiful women are simular to me. Have the same fears, and doubts as me. Espeically when talking to beautiful ones you dont know, its hard to keep cool. I think everyone can relate to this. Its universal.

I really really liked the description of her, on his couch under a light sheet naked. Seems like a classic scene with a mixture of danger/romance involved. If you decide to go this route, i am looking forward to see how she reacts in the morning, and what thoughts go through his head as he puts her to bed.


Some thoughts as i ended the story. How old is Greg? I assume he is much older (24+) because of his confidence when he approaches the girl, and how he speaks to her. He seems very experienced and upfront. I like that type of male character lead. I want to read more of the story. Let me know when you post more of it. Also, my suggestion is, when you write, be honest. If you want him to have a sleezy edge or be thinking something strange, put it in. I feel like it makes the character human, and especially if he is a drug dealer at a bar. He must have some interesting thoughts.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6517
Reviews 402
Hey Ducati--

I didn’t look at anyone in particular as I lent against the bar;

You say he usually doesn't look at anyone, past tense, describing habit, and then you use "as I" in a present setting sort of way, so this sentence reads weird. It would be more consistent to say: "Usually I didn't look at anyone in particular when leaning against the bar" or some such.

I imagined dirty hands sliding along the blades, leaving brown stains on her fair skin.

Wait, what? That's unsettling imagery. Perhaps you meant it to be.

The girl turned around, dancing by herself along with the music. Her dress was a pale blue, halter necked and ruffled, reaching to just above her knee. She had big hips and small breasts. She looked very fit and healthy, unlike most of the other people in this joint. // She had long brown curly hair, kind of eighties style, I guess.

You're forming a list here of characteristics -- I know it's hard but try to not list features like this. It was fine until the bolded brackets I added, and then it started to feel list-y. Perhaps rephrase that line to rid the list feel, without the she had: "Her long hair was curly and brown, kind of eighties style, I guess."

Perfect. I wondered if her parents had named her after the Virgin Mary.

This sounds creepy. Perhaps add another line to show the irony, other than that it seems to focus too much on the concept of her virginity in a bad way -- strange, since he seems to be wanting to help her.

It was an effort to keep up, but the movement seemed to be a bit too much for her too.

Too too! The first too isn't very necessary.

“My name’s Greg, if you must know. Can you walk to your friends place from here?”

If you must know sounds hostile. If you added a smile or something it won't sound too bad, but as it is -- sounds too hostile.

Maybe I could think of a more constructive way for her to do that.

This sounds like a creepy sexual innuendo -- especially if she is seventeen.

I think you have a good thing going with this story. You write well, and I'm intrigued with where you're going to go with this, if the girl needs more help then it seems she does, and so forth. I feel like I could like this Greg guy, but--

The situation, at a club, with a drugged girl, is very tenuous. You don't want to make it sound like a date rape, or like this guy is scum and trying to take advantage - most evidence point to Greg being a good guy, but you have some sentences in there that alter the tone and can change the message to something more sinister. You need to work on those sentences, and also, possible clarify an age group. Men of many ages go to clubs, and this guy seems a lot more mature than the drugged girl, obviously because she's drugged and acting like an idiot, so you might need to specificy an age range for him to help tone down any creepiness that might come up.

Other than that, good. PM me with questions!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1081
Reviews 42
I was trying to get a mix of creepy and non-creepy. Did I take it too far? I'm in this guys head so it's hard to look at it objectively lol.
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6517
Reviews 402
Well, I do think you took it too far in the way that in some places you created a tone I'm pretty sure you didn't really didn't want the reader to pick up on. For instance, near the end, though I know these aren't your intentions, questions of statuatory rape come to mind. Most of the signs point to Greg being a good guy, but you have sentences that make us question this, most of which I believe I pointed out before. It's a little too creepy, and I don't believe this is the way you wanted it to be creepy -- I could be wrong--

I think it would be best here to start off with a creepy atmosphere, and focus all of it in the beginning, gradually fading out of it. Make us come to a realization: "Oh, I see Greg isn't that bad, he's helping her", instead of leaving us still mildly uncomfortable when he's picking her off the sidewalk.

Other than that, this is good. I hope this helps. :)

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 368
Reviews 456
Love the story line; you'll have to pm with more!

Ok so you're missing a few comas, and tense phrasing, but with a quick self editing you could fix that.

Greg seems alittle umm how do I say creey... checking out the place then takin a 17 year old or so home so maybe he could get some if she didn't wake up and beat him with a lap. How old is this guy? ahah

If this young girl had just popped some E wouldn't she be a little more out of it? and not just le a strange man lead her away some where?

Just some things to think about, hope the review helped

Tiff
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
This was a really different story line. At first, I was like freaking out because I totally did not want Maria going with this guy. He sounds like a rapist or something.

But the more I read, the more I realized that Greg was just being an overly helpful drug-dealer... or something of the sort :P

My only concern was at the end, with the last sentence. Rapist popped up again so I'm not sure if that was what you were aiming for or not.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this and liked the flow of it. It was easy to follow and it made me want to read on.

Great job =]
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



i think. i want to become. something.
— chrysanthemumcentury